In love with another man

[TwoWaters]

I am not sure where to start. I've read a few other posts on this forum, and it kind of makes me nervous to write. I know people will attack me, and I suppose rightfully so, but I can't help what I feel. I don't even know why I am writing this. I've been to a counselor on my own to talk about my issues and she pointed out that I am in the 'power struggle' phase, and that's part of my frustration right now.

 

The thing is I am falling very hard for someone other than my husband. He's someone helping me with an art project and he's married as well. He's told me that he has not been happy in his marriage for a while. He had a two year affair several years ago but ended it at his wife's discovery and request. He hurt the other woman, but he wanted to be honorable to his wife. He scrapped his Facebook page and everything. No contact with the OW. He travels a lot for work (doing exhibits) and I suppose that has led again to the distance between he and his wife. I think he loves her but is not in love with her. That and they have not been able to conceive a child. I have to be honest, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a child with him. I think he'd be a very good dad.

 

I'm not one to judge his past affair because when I met my husband, I was with someone else. But that relationship had really run its course. We had met young and I stayed too long in it. He was a good man too but he wasn't going to be the man I spent the rest of my life with. It was a painful ending, and it hurts to think I could be doing that again.

 

My married friend and I connect in a way that I don't with my husband. My husband is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed, but he has disappointed me a lot over the past year. And I just don't desire him like I used to. We're only intimate once or twice a week, but I know that has a lot do with us raising young children. We're very good as parents together, though I feel like I'm pulling the weight there sometimes.

 

I just feel like my husband gets on my case, he's not handy enough, he's not as motivated as I am. He's an amazing dad and our children adore him, and I fear I could be sabotaging their lives and it's killing me. But I can't not be with this other man. He gives me so much. I'm just pulled into him. We'd been emailing, chatting online, meeting for coffee, and so on. I sensed it getting heavy, and thought about breaking contact off altogether, but I didn't. Or couldn't, I don't know. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I've already crossed the line. Painfully so. We've had sex several times since talking to him about what our relationship should be. Neither of us has figured that out yet.

 

I don't know where this headed and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have one friend who had a brief affair and never told her husband. So she's the only one who can relate. My sister would never condone what I am doing, but she doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors or what it's like to live with my husband.

 

I get angry at myself. I'm a flirt and I know this started because I liked the attention But now I am in it. Is this just a fling like my friend had? It doesn't feel that way.

[Silveron]

Being a good dad? He's cheated already and did it again with you. Do you really want to be that wife walking on eggshells on what he is doing when he's out on those exhibits?

 

 

You are just looking for excuses to justify your behavior towards this other man. The more you lust for this OM the more you take away from your husband. What is your end goal here?

 

 

Grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized in bulls**t. He's disrespecting his wife by playing his cards and you are doing the same. You two should leave your spouses and sulk in each other's arms until you realize that you made a huge mistake. You then lose your loving husband and half the time with your children, along with the feeling that you let your kids down in a way that will affect them the rest of their lives.

 

 

You do what you want, but this is a scenario which will not have a happy ending.

[Apolodor]

Your entire posting sounds like you are trying very hard to find a justification to cheat on your husband. You'll most likely regret it.

[central]

Your husband's faults APPEAR greater because you're comparing him to an illusion you have of this other man. The reality probably doesn't match you image of him.

 

The best thing to do is distance yourself from him, stop romanticizing and fantasizing, and refocus on your marriage. It's probably a lot better than it seems right now.

 

And if you can't rekindle your marriage, leave him, and set you both free to pursue someone better.

[TwoWaters]

When things started heating up emotionally with the other man, I did see the risks. I asked my husband once to go to counseling, but he kind of brushed me off. He was working on something on the computer, and just kind of said "oh we don't need that.. we're just stressed and this is a rough patch".

[TwoWaters]

Your husband's faults APPEAR greater because you're comparing him to an illusion you have of this other man. The reality probably doesn't match you image of him.

 

The best thing to do is distance yourself from him, stop romanticizing and fantasizing, and refocus on your marriage. It's probably a lot better than it seems right now.

 

And if you can't rekindle your marriage, leave him, and set you both free to pursue someone better.

 

It doesn't feel like an illusion. I don't think I would be with this man if I didn't have big doubts about my husband and I. If I loved only my husband, then I would never have done this, right? I know I "punish" him in my mind, but I am also punishing myself. My friend says that I am playing with fire, and she is concerned about my husband. But that she can't be a hypocrite.

 

I did try to spice things up a few months back with my husband. He was into it, and it was good, but I think I know it's because I was afraid of losing that connection with him. And I had to test out how my husband feels about me. I know I am a bit all over the place. There was a period where I wanted him to just take me, then I wanted him to just hold me instead, and now I'm feeling less like I want him to touch me. And it scares me, because I do love him.

 

This isn't all about sex. I'm not a loose woman. I've just always followed my heart in life. This is a very serious thing I am dealing with because someone else is really capturing my heart. I just feel he's really got it together, about who he is, and that we somehow 'match'. But I love and cherish my family, and in a way I just want to want my husband more. So it's like I wish I never met this man, but I have.

[TwoWaters]

Yeah, I knew this girl who dreamt of being a surgeon when she grew up. I told her, "you won't succeed", and she gave up on her dreams and is now serving tacos at Magdalenos.

 

Well, real funny. Why do post on here if it's not to help?

 

My point is that it was indicative of his types of responses.

 

If he had suggested to me that we should go to counseling, I would want to know specifically why. He didn't even ask. It's as if he recognizes there are some issues but doesn't take initiative. He thinks things are overall okay.

[Sub]

You are just looking for excuses to justify your behavior towards this other man. The more you lust for this OM the more you take away from your husband.

 

I would agree with this. Honestly, being intimate once or twice a week when you have young children could be seen by some as a miracle. I think the issues have more to do with you than him.

 

If you're doing any sort of comparison, it has to be apples to apples. What would the OM be like if he(and not your H) was the one dealing with the reality and stresses of your home life while trying to maintain an emotionally and physically rewarding dynamic between the two of you?

[tired girl]

This isn't about your husband being or not being the man that you need. This is about you having a great big gaping hole that you are looking for somebody to fill. And if your husband can't fill it the right way then you go off looking for someone else to do it.

 

The problem is, it will never be full. And you will keep doing it until your children's lives are messed up completely. So stop now. Figure out how to fix it yourself. Fix that gaping hole inside of yourself, and quit going whichever way the wind blows. You have responsibilities now, you don't get to just jet off and follow your heart. Unless you want to live with what it will do to your kids. I can tell you all about that if you want. My dad was just like that.

[TwoWaters]

I would agree with this. Honestly, being intimate once or twice a week when you have young children could be seen by some as a miracle. I think the issues have more to do with you than him.

 

If you're doing any sort of comparison, it has to be apples to apples. What would the OM be like if he(and not your H) was the one dealing with the reality and stresses of your home life while trying to maintain an emotionally and physically rewarding dynamic between the two of you?

 

I was satisfied with once or twice a week, but now that I am with the other man that all has changed. He's much more exploratory than my husband is. My husband used to be a little wilder and now I feel he's more gentle. My friend is rougher, and takes control in a way my husband doesn't. Yes, it's hot. I'm not going to lie about it. They're just different in bed, but it's not all about that. I wouldn't throw my life away for a sexual relationship. I cheated on my long term boyfriend with someone else and that was just because of the sexual chemistry. This is different. There's something much more mature to it, something I wasn't expecting. He just makes me feel like I can truly be myself. My husband does not. And I need that in my life. My children need a mom who can truly be herself.

 

I have no idea what day to day life would be like with the other man. I know in a way he showing his best sides, but his best sides are really. The whole idea of leaving for him still seems insane, so I just keep tumbling along, not able to end it. Not wanting to end it. I tried before but when he contacted me again, I just got weak.

[Sofie2013]

Listen to me DO NOT CONTUINE TO SPEAK TO THAT MAN.

 

I know exactly you’re going through right now I was you not the long ago. My ExAP did the same thing your MM is doing he’s playing you. He’s making himself out to a victim to win over your sympathy to get what he wants. Paint a picture of his wife that probably isn’t true. If anyone is a victim it’s his wife. He already told he cheated once I can grantee that’s another lie. My ExAP did the same thin don’t buy it.

 

 

You said it yourself you have a wonderful husband at home and a young child. I had the same thing and I decided to throw it away now am trying my hardest to get it back. Do not make the same mistake I did and don’t cross that line because the pain that follows and the amount of people you will hurt with your actions just isn’t worth it.

 

 

Stop before it’s too late. Find ways to rebuild your marriage, go out on dates take art class together. Do something anything that can help you two find each other again. The road you are walking down now will only lead to more pain for everyone involved and I’m living proof of that

[harrybrown]

You magnify your husband's faults to justify your cheating with the OM.

 

The OM cheated in the past. He is cheating with you. If you get with him, he will cheat on you.

 

The POSOM is a player. He also has other APs that he sees. You are in love with a fantasy, not reality. You do not see the POSOM for what he does and is doing to his family, let alone yours.

 

You do not want your H, because you want to be loyal to POSOM, who is perfect. He lies to his wife and he is lying to you. You are being played.

 

But you can fix this. Go to your H. Tell him you have had sex with the POSOM, you need to get tested for stds, and you want to leave your children and your H to go be with Mr. Perfect.

 

You like the affair because of the dark. Shine the light of day on your affair. Tell the OM's wife about the affair. Your OM will not mind. He wants you and only you. He does not have any other APs. You can trust him not to give you stds. I am sure that you are using protection when you have sex with Mr. Perfect.

 

The OM does not care about your kids. Many have molested their stepkids.

Hopefully, you are thinking about your kids, so you will give full custody to their dad.

 

I hope you start making some adult decisions and get out of the fantasy and into reality.

[whichwayisup]

What's sad is, your marriage isn't that bad and it's fixable if only you had been open and honest with your husband instead of turning to another man to fulfill your needs. So much effort into someone else who is also married and not leaving his wife. If his marriage was so bad, he would have left a long time ago. He seems like you, happy enough to stay married and just wants someone on the side to meet needs that aren't being met at home.

[whichwayisup]

Well, real funny. Why do post on here if it's not to help?

 

My point is that it was indicative of his types of responses.

 

If he had suggested to me that we should go to counseling, I would want to know specifically why. He didn't even ask. It's as if he recognizes there are some issues but doesn't take initiative. He thinks things are overall okay.

 

He thinks things are overall okay because you've not spoken up about how YOU feel and why you're not happy much in your marriage anymore. Stop putting this on your husband. This isn't his fault. How he is to know how you feel inside if you don't speak up?

[TwoWaters]

Listen to me DO NOT CONTUINE TO SPEAK TO THAT MAN.

 

I know exactly you’re going through right now I was you not the long ago. My ExAP did the same thing your MM is doing he’s playing you. He’s making himself out to a victim to win over your sympathy to get what he wants. Paint a picture of his wife that probably isn’t true. If anyone is a victim it’s his wife. He already told he cheated once I can grantee that’s another lie. My ExAP did the same thin don’t buy it.

 

 

You said it yourself you have a wonderful husband at home and a young child. I had the same thing and I decided to throw it away now am trying my hardest to get it back. Do not make the same mistake I did and don’t cross that line because the pain that follows and the amount of people you will hurt with your actions just isn’t worth it.

 

 

Stop before it’s too late. Find ways to rebuild your marriage, go out on dates take art class together. Do something anything that can help you two find each other again. The road you are walking down now will only lead to more pain for everyone involved and I’m living proof of that

 

Thank you Sofie and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are able to work it out with your husband. I started to tear up thinking about my family.

 

I do know other couples whose relationships started as affairs and they are in love with one another. I don't think it's always doomed to fail. I'm trying to be real about this, but also true to my feelings.

[Sub]

I was satisfied with once or twice a week, but now that I am with the other man that all has changed. He's much more exploratory than my husband is. My husband used to be a little wilder and now I feel he's more gentle.

Has it changed since you had kids? It may be because he sees you as the mother of his children now, and not just his wife/lover.

 

 

I cheated on my long term boyfriend with someone else and that was just because of the sexual chemistry.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this definitely leads me to believe the issue lies within you. You said you were with someone else when you met your H, and you've now cheated on him and another long-term BF. To place it at your H's feet rings hollow with such a history.

 

 

He just makes me feel like I can truly be myself. My husband does not. And I need that in my life. My children need a mom who can truly be herself.

You feel that way because he has a common history of cheating, IMO. You feel he understands you, which is reasonable in a way. But again, your H won't be able to connect with you in that way if he's been the faithful one. Nobody's responsible for you being yourself except you.

[TwoWaters]

Why does everyone assume my friend is a "player"? I haven't even heard that term in a long time.

 

He's a good man, you don't know him. He tried to work things out with his wife. I think he met me and has realized what is missing. I sort of feel the same way.

 

I can't go up to my husband and tell him I'm having an affair. He'd be outraged. He might even be violent.

 

I admit I am not good about telling my husband what my needs are. I just feel like when I do, he doesn't "get it". I'm not direct, and that's part of the issue. But I don't want to tell him everything.. I want him to tell me, too, to ask me. The problem now is I feel a little smothered by him. He wants more family time and I just want my breathing space. I need him to start doing more things on his own and not be so dependent on me.

[whichwayisup]

Why does everyone assume my friend is a "player"? I haven't even heard that term in a long time.

 

He's a good man, you don't know him. He tried to work things out with his wife. I think he met me and has realized what is missing. I sort of feel the same way.

 

I can't go up to my husband and tell him I'm having an affair. He'd be outraged. He might even be violent.

 

I admit I am not good about telling my husband what my needs are. I just feel like when I do, he doesn't "get it". I'm not direct, and that's part of the issue. But I don't want to tell him everything.. I want him to tell me, too, to ask me. The problem now is I feel a little smothered by him. He wants more family time and I just want my breathing space. I need him to start doing more things on his own and not be so dependent on me.

 

See you have major and I mean major communication problems. Again, you expect your husband to read your mind. instead of dealing with your issues at home, you chose to go outside of your marriage and bring MORE issues into your marriage.

 

And so what if your husband gets enraged (rightfully so) about your A? he has every right to feel that way since you're cheating on him and having an affair. Better he hears the truth from you rather than stumbling on it on his own and finding out that way or from someone else. You're putting all this on your innocent husband, justifying yourself too.

[Sub]

You sound so much like my WW when it comes to your H. It's scary.

[thummper]

Just go and do what you want. Break your husband's heart and destroy your family. You won't be happy until you do. I'm not sure what you're doing on this site, but if you're looking for a sympathetic ear, you're NOT going to find it here. Go on. I'm sure your POSOM is waiting for you.

[TwoWaters]

Has it changed since you had kids? It may be because he sees you as the mother of his children now, and not just his wife/lover.

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this definitely leads me to believe the issue lies within you. You said you were with someone else when you met your H, and you've now cheated on him and another long-term BF. To place it at your H's feet rings hollow with such a history.

 

 

 

You feel that way because he has a common history of cheating, IMO. You feel he understands you, which is reasonable in a way. But again, your H won't be able to connect with you in that way if he's been the faithful one. Nobody's responsible for you being yourself except you.

 

Hmm.. I had not thought about the part of him seeing me more as the mother than a lover. In a way, I guess I see him more as the father than a lover, too. He is a good lover, but my head is not in it so much anymore. I know he has noticed me freezing up a bit, and I just told him I am depressed and tired from work. He's supportive of me, which makes me feel worse inside.

 

Yes, there is that understanding between my friend and I. But also, my husband had a couple of liaisons when I was considering breaking up with my boyfriend, and it really hurt me. He hid that from me, and said it was just because he had needs and he didn't know if I was leaving for him or what. We're from different areas of the country so it was complicated, but in a way I thought he was saving himself for me.

 

I'm no angel, but when I love I do give a lot. I'm just not courageous when things are not going well for me. I've loved two men in my life and now there is a third who may be "the one".

[whichwayisup]

But also, my husband had a couple of liaisons when I was considering breaking up with my boyfriend, and it really hurt me. He hid that from me, and said it was just because he had needs and he didn't know if I was leaving for him or what.

 

Are you using something that happened so long ago to justify what you're doing now?

[Darren Steez]

When things started heating up emotionally with the other man, I did see the risks. I asked my husband once to go to counseling, but he kind of brushed me off. He was working on something on the computer, and just kind of said "oh we don't need that.. we're just stressed and this is a rough patch".

 

Why does your husband need to go to counseling, does he have a crush on OM too?

 

You met your husband through cheating, now you're cheating on him with someone who cheated on his wife. Very apt. Notice how many times the word cheat comes in that sentence.

[excusememister]

Why does everyone assume my friend is a "player"?

 

Because he is leading a double life; duplicity between two women. He is not being honest, so he is PLAYING!!!

 

You’ve gotten yourself into a mess - I hope you can come to realize that this isn’t worth all the destruction that you are about to cause. Your OM is a POS – he is married; he is lying to you and lying to his wife. How can you glorify him? He is a deceiver, a cheater and a betrayal. He is playing you! By his own admission, he has hurt other women. Do you really think you are better than any of them?

 

You say, “I think he loves his wife but is not in love with her”. Most all WS’s give their AP’s this same line. My WS told his OM the same thing.

 

Please wake up before it is you late. Listen to Sofie; learn from her story. You are getting some great advice here. Take heed – you are headed for “Armageddon”!!

 

 

He's a good man, you don't know him.

Yes, I do know him and 1,000's others like him, who lie to the wife and the OW, telling them both what they respectively want to hear. And you say he "is a good man"?

[Owl]

I'm going to dissent a bit here.

 

There's a bit of a pattern going on here.

 

You were with someone else when you started cheating WITH your husband.

 

You're not cheating ON your husband...with someone else who has ALSO cheated in the past.

 

Your husband cheated with you, and on you.

 

From my perspective, there isn't a healthy relationship anywhere in this mix. They all need to end.

 

Then you need to get some counseling on why you've cheated with your husband and on your husband, and why you're attracted to men who cheat.

 

Get your own relationship skills fixed and figured out...THEN see where things are at as far as a relationship with someone.

 

Right now...none of you are good relationship material.