freebird31 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Sometimes I feel like maybe me and my past relationship ended pre-maturely. Or does everyone feel this way when they're dumped? It was my first relationship and we were together for 8 months. We both still had feelings when we broke up. I just feel like it ended too soon...we didn't get a chance to really live the relationship out fully..I mean I guess we all can say that about a relationship that didn't last? But I just really think there was great potential still, and the love is still there. It's just really, really dumb how it ended, and why it ended. It would be different if one of us did not have feelings anymore. Idk. It bothers me. It's like unfinished. Or maybe I just feel like this bc there was no peace when we broke it off...so it's unresolved .
Philosoraptor Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 It was too early for you, but most people who end relationships mull over it for awhile. On the other end it often feels like the relationship went on too long. The only difference is that you were blindsided while they had time to think it over. 2
Author freebird31 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Sometimes, im stuck between the idea of holding on a bit longer and waiting to see if he will come back, or just fully moving on. I have prayed time and time again, that if holding on is NOT the right thing for me, to just have some sort of sign sent to me!! The feeling that my ex loves me wont go away, has never went away. Maybe because of the way it ended, the words he left me hanging with.....i just feel it in my heart, hes still there...he still cares about us, and that he will come around. I know, know, KNOW it. BUT even knowing this, I have also thought about how maybe he was taken from my life for a reason. Maybe I deserve better, more. Maybe thats why he was removed from my life. So maybe I should move on...let go... Im stuck between what to do. So what I have been doing, is NOTHING AT ALL. im just in this limbo-kind of state. I feel toyed with. I know I could move on, and forget my ex, and never look back. i Know i can. But I am scared to take that final step on fully letting go. I am scared I am not making the right choice. Maybe i need to be more patient and wait things out. I have prayed and prayed and waited for some sort of sign. And maybe I am not praying right or hard enough, but I am very confused!! I have these feelings like my ex still LOVES ME. Dont ask me how, but i know it. i just do! Something tells me to just be a little more patient, which is really the reason why I havent dated. NOT because im scared to get hurt again, but im scared i will move on, and my ex will come back. and i dont want to be put in that situation. I have been living for ME. and its not like i NEED or want a significant other. Im happy focusing on just myself. BUT i still cant shake this feeling of being in this...limbo-like state. I am not fully free yet. Im scared to let go of my ex. Because I am scared that once i do so, he is going to come back. And we will lose us for good. I would rather hold on and remain a little more patient, before rushing to just move on. Maybe, the universe or God is trying to teach me to be patient. I dont know ! Edited February 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
JDPT Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 It may be perfectly fine to feel as if you still have unfinished business for the first few months post BU, however, as time elapses you start to come to terms on your own with the logistics behind why the relationship ended. You begin to internalize facts and no longer sugar coat reality. Life goes on and nothing remains stagnant, including you. You were meant to live this relationship, now it's up to you to learn from it in order to come out of this a new and improved you.
emi Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 i totally can relate to how you feel. I've been feeling the same for so long. But im afraid that if i keep waitting for him, i will miss out something that gonna make me happy. What if he never come back to me? Thats possible that he wont.
Musing Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I felt we ended too prematurely too but you know what? Had the relationship kept going we probably would have resented each other and more feelings would have been invested and more time wasted. He wasn't ready for what I wanted and knew it so he did the mature thing and left. I came to terms with the BU almost instantly, but not with him leaving. For this, I felt like there was a great chance of us getting together when he's experienced enough. And maybe there is...but I'm not longer betting on it, or waiting, or pining. I felt that he still cared about me, missed me...but those were my feelings I projected onto him. Truthfully, I don't know how he feels. And you don't know how your ex feels. Fact: When you continue on with NC and simply focus on you, your (past) relationship and your (past) boyfriend, you start to peel off the layers of novelty and expose a lot of truths about yourself, about him, and about the dynamic of your relationship that you were subconsciously hiding away when you were with him. You stop idolizing him, taking him off the pedestal and see him for who he really is. And then you'll get small instances of this "what did I even see in him" feeling that come and go.. All of these layers just keep falling off. And they are going to do so for you too. Heartbreak is the greatest learning tool. Your ex might be back or he might not be. There is no unfinished business, he finished it all when he left. Now you have to focus on yourself and what you can do to avoid this situation happening again. You won't see it yet but as the days pass I guarantee it'll all be clear to you. 3
LadyM Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 "There is no unfinished business, he finished it all when he left." What a profound and true line. Great post, Musing.
missliss908 Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 Yup, I feel the same way about my relationship that just ended. It was budding and then for one reason or another, he just ended things. I doubt I will ever know why it really happened, which sucks. We both really liked each other (or so I thought) and we had great potential.
Minneloa Posted February 16, 2014 Posted February 16, 2014 I felt that he still cared about me, missed me...but those were my feelings I projected onto him. Truthfully, I don't know how he feels. And you don't know how your ex feels. Musing, I loved your entire post, but this part is particularly crucial. Ain't projection a b*tch? OP, I am sorry you are hurting. I hope it helps you to hear from others who are going through similar experiences. Sending good thoughts. 1
Author freebird31 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 My question. How could you break it off with someone who treated you genuinely well, who you STILL had feelings for at the time of the break up, AND who you ALSO treated pretty harshly in your last conversation with them becuase you got upset that they refused to be "friends" with you (seriously? you cant be friends with your ex, duh! COMMON SENSE 101) ...how could you live with all of that without letting it eat you inside? If I was in my ex shoes, I would be living in a world of DOUBT. and GUILT. CONFUSION and feeling like a complete jerk. How can people live with all of that? Do they just avoid it and push it to the back of their mind? Thats a lot to carry around.
picnicinthepark Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) My question. How could you break it off with someone who treated you genuinely well, who you STILL had feelings for at the time of the break up, AND who you ALSO treated pretty harshly in your last conversation with them becuase you got upset that they refused to be "friends" with you (seriously? you cant be friends with your ex, duh! COMMON SENSE 101) ...how could you live with all of that without letting it eat you inside? If I was in my ex shoes, I would be living in a world of DOUBT. and GUILT. CONFUSION and feeling like a complete jerk. How can people live with all of that? Do they just avoid it and push it to the back of their mind? Thats a lot to carry around. I wonder about these things as well. My ex left me too. You have to understand that their decision was premeditated and that they may have already gone through these initial stages of grief so they are ahead of us in terms of coping. Our BU was pretty clean although she decided to end it. I respected her decision because ultimately as a dumpee there is very little you can do to change the dumpers' mind (which is probably why your ex acted negatively to your reaction of her plea for friendship). Its been exactly 5 weeks today since the BU and almost 2 weeks NC. I've begun to ignore these urges to question "why" and "what if" because in the end you're only going to prolong your healing. Things will get better I promise you. Please take my advice and try to focus on improving yourself and being happy on your own. If it makes you feel any better I'm positive our ex's are feeling just as if not worse than how we are feeling. That's just my opinion but who knows? Like you said, things ended amicably so both of you are just dealing with the BU in your own way. Try not to concern yourself with her life, she is the one who decided she didn't want you in hers. Take care of yourself, keep your head up, and look forward not back. Everything is going to be okay! Edited February 20, 2014 by picnicinthepark
Author freebird31 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I wonder about these things as well. My ex left me too. You have to understand that their decision was premeditated and that they may have already gone through these initial stages of grief so they are ahead of us in terms of coping. Our BU was pretty clean although she decided to end it. I respected her decision because ultimately as a dumpee there is very little you can do to change the dumpers' mind (which is probably why your ex acted negatively to your reaction of her plea for friendship). Its been exactly 5 weeks today since the BU and almost 2 weeks NC. I've begun to ignore these urges to question "why" and "what if" because in the end you're only going to prolong your healing. Things will get better I promise you. Please take my advice and try to focus on improving yourself and being happy on your own. If it makes you feel any better I'm positive our ex's are feeling just as if not worse than how we are feeling. That's just my opinion but who knows? Like you said, things ended amicably so both of you are just dealing with the BU in your own way. Try not to concern yourself with her life, she is the one who decided she didn't want you in hers. Take care of yourself, keep your head up, and look forward not back. Everything is going to be okay! Well, we had a pretty happy relationship. things did not start getting rocky until the last month of it all. Can one month of premeditated coping really be enough time for them to cope? If i was in my ex shoes, I would feel really dumb for how i handled things. I think, in my opinion, my ex was scared. I was genuine to him and I have no regrets and i have left no really bad memories of myself. Overall, I did a lot for that guy. He even met my family and they loved him and vice versa. I really think he got scared, maybe of committing to me...maybe because things were getting serious. I think maybe becuase he realized that things were going to change. becuase I was asking for a little bit more from him. To just simpply balance his free time between his friends and myself. Thats it. And maybe, that freaked him out. I just dont think he was ready. He seemed really confused when he broke things off. And it was really confusing for me, still is. Its been many months and I still think of him. i just wish we could have some sort of peace between us at the very least.
firefly2613 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 This is normal. You want closure, but the sad fact is you really won't get it from anyone but yourself. Trust me. Who knows why people dump people? I can't imagine why they do it. I know if I ever did, I would take all the steps to communicate my unhappiness and try to work things out and then if we couldn't I would break things off. Why blindside someone?
Author freebird31 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 This is normal. You want closure, but the sad fact is you really won't get it from anyone but yourself. Trust me. Who knows why people dump people? I can't imagine why they do it. I know if I ever did, I would take all the steps to communicate my unhappiness and try to work things out and then if we couldn't I would break things off. Why blindside someone? Its not closure that I want. Its peace. i hate knowing that my ex hates me or feels bitter for me. And i hate feeling bitter for my ex from time to time becuase of how he ended things. i simply wish he could reach out with a peace offerring. maybe not yet, but one day. Maybe in time, i should be the bigger person and do it myself. offer peace.
firefly2613 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It's really not worth it. It's awful, but best to leave things as they are. All sorts of things could come from trying to offer peace. What happens if your ex is so vindictive that they don't want peace, or they don't want to talk to you? Maybe if you can do it without setting yourself back. I did the same thing. Her response was so cold and indifferent that it set me back in my healing and, looking back, I wish I had just left everything alone. 2
Author freebird31 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 It's really not worth it. It's awful, but best to leave things as they are. All sorts of things could come from trying to offer peace. What happens if your ex is so vindictive that they don't want peace, or they don't want to talk to you? Maybe if you can do it without setting yourself back. I did the same thing. Her response was so cold and indifferent that it set me back in my healing and, looking back, I wish I had just left everything alone. Very, very true. I could see that happening.
ayudorama Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 One of the greatest mysteries in the world. I don't know how they do it either. Live with the guilt. Suspect I'd never know. Mine kept trying to avoid me each time he sees me out in the streets. It's sad really. I can never understand a person's heart. How can people be so.. Cruel. But hey, doesn't mean we treat people right, the same treatment is meted out to us in reciprocation. Sad truth. (:
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