nabelp Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Hi Everyone... I am on the road to recovery after I found out about my wife's affair 114 days ago. My story is in another thread if you need to know it. Over this past weekend my wife and I got into a little spat. It was the first argument we had that actually had nothing to do about the affair and it was over something silly (I dont even remember it now). I got upset with her and she got upset with me. She walked away in a huff and said the dreaded word that I hate hearing from her mouth which was "whatevvvveeeeerrrr". I stood there silent and got angry. Anger like I used to get over the affair itself. My thoughts were...how dare her ever get mad at me because I decided to give her a second chance. I decided to take her back. I decided to work on forgiveness and reconciliation. I decided that my love for her was way more than the affair itself. I decided to continue to love her although she did the ultimate betrayal. I stood there thinking that she thinks she got a free pass over this. I feel like she is not allowed to ever get upset with me over anything silly or even serious again. It was almost like I felt betrayed again. I hope I am explaining myself right. She has changed quite to the better since I found out. She helps around the house more now. She even shovels the driveway now which was something I never saw her do in almost 24 years of marriage. I just feel like she can never ever be upset with me again. Am I the only one that thinks like this after they found out about a betrayal that ruins most marriages?
cozycottagelg Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I haven't dealt with this in my own marriage, but I am guessing this is not a healthy way of dealing with anger and resentment. I don't know how old you are, but are you saying that in 20 years she still isn't allowed to be mad at you because she cheated? I'm not sure that makes sense... 2
Sub Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I don't think that's going to work. You want a normal, healthy relationship that can survive the anger and arguments that we all feel towards our spouses at some point, as none of us are perfect and we all get in our moods. If you want the real, honest version of your wife, anger is part of it. When my WW and I R'd, one of the best moments was actually a blow up we had. She got angry. I got angry. And then we talked it through and got past it. 4
Grumpybutfun Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If You forgave her, it is in the past. If you want to hold it over her head, your marriage will fail because this betrayal will affect you both because without equality, there isn't a balanced relationship. If you need to work out residual feelings you are having about the affair, work it out separately and with the focus being on those feelings, not superiority because she cheated and she owes you complete obeisance for the rest of your marriage. That is a highly toxic view to have. I hate infidelity and think marriages are pretty much over if one occurs, but if you said you forgave her, then forgive her and stop treating her like a criminal. It is normal to have triggering moments, but they need to be treated separately than the affair itself. Good luck, Grumps 6
whatatangledweb Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I understand what you are saying. That does pass with time. I had it also. With me it was due to my resentment of all he had done during his affair. That would cause me to think of his affair so the discussions would turn into that. I say discussions but I would lash out about his affair. On the other hand, I thought I had to be the perfect wife, could never say no, dressed up every day. That passed too The more you heal from the affair, you will see it happen less often. Then one day it will seem to stop. 2
BetrayedH Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You're still in the early days, just being 4 months out. In the short-term, it's understandable to think that if you're not lashing out in anger, then she can't either. But it's also true that the affair can't be your never-ending trump card in every argument either. The right path is somewhere inbetween. 4
Author nabelp Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I understand what you are saying. That does pass with time. I had it also. With me it was due to my resentment of all he had done during his affair. That would cause me to think of his affair so the discussions would turn into that. I say discussions but I would lash out about his affair. On the other hand, I thought I had to be the perfect wife, could never say no, dressed up every day. That passed too The more you heal from the affair, you will see it happen less often. Then one day it will seem to stop. Thanks...This is what I am thinking also. Its only been 114 days since D Day and although I am doing so much better, it still hurts. 1
road Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It is normal to have disagreements and fight about them. It is not ok to use the affair to punish the WS during and after recovery. So fight about which way the toilet paper is hung now. You do not fight that she gave the OM your toilet paper. You fight about now not the past. 1
harrybrown Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 What did you do after you found out about her affair? Did you go to counseling, did she rug sweep or has she shown remorse? (other than scooping snow) It does take more time than a few months to get over an affair. Hopefully time will help you with the pain of the affair. But do try to keep the affair discussions on the affair and the other fights about the current fight.
Owl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Two words for ya... marriage counseling You both are very likely to need this to make sure you both deal with all the various aspects of the changes in your relationship as a result of her affair. This is one aspect. 3
BetrayedH Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Two words for ya... marriage counseling You both are very likely to need this to make sure you both deal with all the various aspects of the changes in your relationship as a result of her affair. This is one aspect. Yep. Learning how to fight fair is kinda MC101. 2
gettingstronger Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I totally understand! I did that too. It's basically a trigger. For a long time any anger I had reminded me of the situation we were in. It will start to happen less frequently and you will be able to have fights that don't trigger you. Until then cut yourself a break, if she needs to be a little more understanding and if you find yourself a little less so, it's ok, you are recovering from a very traumatic event. 1
Fluttershy Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Oh I have been there. But I realized very quickly that I didn't want a marriage where i would win every arguement by default based purely on the A card. I never wanted to be married to someone who did everything I said or never challenged me. I want an equal partnership. So I chose to swallow it and I chose no to throw rhe A in his face during a completely unrelated arguement whether I was winning or losing. It was damn hard but it got easier and then the desire to do so stopped. So in answer To your question. Yes she is allowed. She is an imperfect human veing with failings and weaknesses not related to her affair only. And you are an imperfect human being with failings and weakness too. Do you want to be married to a doormat? I don't. 2
jnel921 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I was doing that too. Every argument I would find a way to tie it back to the A and make my H feel not only angry about the topic but worse than he ever felt about hurting me. Then one day early last year he called me out on this behavior. He told me that our arguments needed to be about topics at hand. He got very emotional and started crying. He told me he knows what he did was wrong and he feels badly everyday. But using it to add more flames to the fire of our arguments wasn't right. He was right and I have stopped. I haven't felt the need to "go there" again in our arguments. It's been over 16 months since DDay. He doesn't deserve that from me as he is paying his dues.
Ap22 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm only 3 months out from dday and right now I feel that way too. I think she feels that way as well. Prior to dday, I would easily get sucked into an argument with her when she was in a pissy mood (which was frequent). Now, if she gets in a pissy mood and gives me attitude, I shut her down by shutting myself down. I simply dont take her crap anymore. I dont argue with her, I dont get mad, I simply tell her I'm not taking her ***** and walk away. So far it has always ended in her apologizing to me for her behavior...something she never did before. 1
oldshirt Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Yes many others have felt the way you have.....but no, it's not appropriate to hold her A over her head and expect her to cater to your every whim and be your indentured servant to pay for her sins. Even in the absence of affairs people are callable, imperfect and have conflicts. Just because you agreed to take her back doesn't mean you get to cherry-pick what parts of her you take back. It's fair to say you won't accept any more infidelities. It not fair, realistic or even reasonable to say you won't accept any conflicts or irritations. 2
DasPope Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I am only 2 weeks out and I feel exactly that way sometimes, but I never let it show. It's normal for couples to argue over a myriad of often very minor things so if your aim is to get back to a normal relationship then you have to allow a normal relationship to develop. 1
central Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 You are wrong, OP. You can't hold your reconciliation over her head about other issues unrelated to the affair. If you are unreasonable or an ***hole, she does get to call you on it. She does have the right to disagree with you, even on things relating to her affair - if and when you are wrong or out of line. 1
Fluttershy Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm only 3 months out from dday and right now I feel that way too. I think she feels that way as well. Prior to dday, I would easily get sucked into an argument with her when she was in a pissy mood (which was frequent). Now, if she gets in a pissy mood and gives me attitude, I shut her down by shutting myself down. I simply dont take her crap anymore. I dont argue with her, I dont get mad, I simply tell her I'm not taking her ***** and walk away. So far it has always ended in her apologizing to me for her behavior...something she never did before. So, she is a doormat and you do no wrong? I don't mean to pick on you but you may need to take a look inside again. Your posts here always have reflected how imperfect your fWW is and how perfect you are. You may not meant that but saying "I am not perfect" is easy. Actually admitting where you have been wrong is harder.
Ap22 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 So, she is a doormat and you do no wrong? I don't mean to pick on you but you may need to take a look inside again. Your posts here always have reflected how imperfect your fWW is and how perfect you are. You may not meant that but saying "I am not perfect" is easy. Actually admitting where you have been wrong is harder. Dont know how you came to those conclusions as you are way off base. I know what I need to improve on. The difference between my wife and I is that she chose to put her family on the brink of destruction by sleeping with another guy. Since dday shes been on her best behavior. There have been a couple of times where she snapped at me because she was frustrated with something. Instead of snapping back at her I simply withdraw. I dont snap back at her or get drawn into an argument like I used to. Again, I dont know where you read that I implied I was perfect. All i've ever said is I was a good husband and father, never a perfect one. 1
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