Serious communication problems, three years might be long enough.

[freethought]

I have been in a long distance relationship now for three years with my boyfriend...with whom, I have discussed marriage with for quite some time now. Not just discussed, but it was announced rather early, and our relationship has always been quite passionate and expressive of our love for eachother even throughout or managing to make up after the fighting and frustrations.

 

Here is the issue. Both of our living circumstances (in relationship to work and family issues) have been rather difficult...so this has taken a toll on our management of eachother....and things have been hard at times, very hard.

 

Also, he is devoted in his faith, as his parents are as well. They were not happy that I didnt share this faith with them, and in fact his parents first accepted happily then shortly after went birzirk and then calmed to a present state of indifference.

Over time, and many arguements where communication on his part is horrible...he would regularly (and still does) allow things to fester and he resents it..then eventually out of the blue when I notice him being withdrawn he will let out something like 'we arent going to work'

 

Over the three years, I have heard this so many times that I began to emotionally feel that I was walking on eggshells.

We have been on the verge of breaking up within the past few days ...I felt it, he has become strange and withdrwan and doestnt want to talk about the future. This is the thing, he has always rejected my pressing for making plans to make things work and happen ..he comes up with big arguements that stop us from beginning our life together.

..but back to the past few days...it has been noticabley worse since he said to me that he wanted me to continue my life here and we would wait and see. What??? I have realized over the days that he just cant say goodbye. He doesnt want to hurt me he thinks so this longtime torture is a better alternative?

 

Tonight I explained to him that I am sorry for my part in contributing to the pain over the years, that I acknowledge that I have said and responded to things in a bad fashion on many occasions and that I want us to speak candidly on our future and clear the air.

He explained that I am not like the person I was when we fell in love (which is true, I have been though many difficult circumstances in that time and did not always make the right decisions and reactions to him were not ideal when discussing matters of our relationship with him)

We ended up having a very lengthy discussion where I opened up with him and explained the changes I had gone through personally during this long distance relationship, and that I am sorry he had to endure some of the more difficult times where I wasnt clear in my own life, let alone sharing it with him.

He sat quiet for some time and then said softly that he was sitting there in shock. That everything I said made perfect sense and that I am speaking like the first year were were together.

 

He then began talking, telling me that his mother offered to give him a heirloom wedding ring the first year when he told her that he wanted to marry me. (this was before they started with the religion issue)

He told me this by beginning with "I havent told you this but..." Which is a phrase I am getting used to hearing from him.

 

We continued talking and he , out of the blue, after so many years, was making all these statements that sounded like I had renewed his faith in our compatibility for the first time in years. I sat, feeling centered but strange because of his flip flop...that I had been thinking over the days that it is inevitable that this time has destroyed our relationship because of his lack of committment and refusal to communicate to me WHY we arent moving forward, WHY we kept talking about it and he would come up with excuses that make things 'not work'

 

I dont know what to do....well....I sort of do......I feel like I am not ready now, after all of this. I explained to him in total clarity that I am sorry for the past, but I feel like he has not taken responsibility for his lack of communication. I cant spend my future trying to read his mind or dealing with his mood swings because he becomes angry with me or upset about something and will not tell me...he will jsut quietly and coldly withdrawal...its a terrible feeling long distance let alone when we are sharing a life.

 

I know this is a complex situation, and its hard to be specific in all situations of our troubled past and present without writing a novel ha...

 

If anyone has any advice or thoughts, or can even share a similar experience to help me understand clearer what I need to do from here, or else how to muster the courage to do it.....I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks sincerely

[Merin]

IMHO, 3 Years is entirely to long to maintain a LDR.

 

It seems there isn't really any resolve or solutions as to when it will be that the 2 of you will make a life TOGETHER.. while I can understand that there are circumstances that have prevented the 2 of you from bridging the gap so to speak.. I really do believe that in all LDR there needs to be a time frame that both parties agree to, that they will make things work and begin a life together.

 

This relationship again IMO seems to have gone as far as it can at this point.. so.. one of two things needs to happen.. the 2 of you decide to bridge the gap and one of you makes the move to be together.. or the relationship ends and the 2 of you go your seperate ways and find people who are better suited for yourselves.. and certainly closer in distance.

 

Good Luck