TaraMaiden Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm very confused I'll admit it. Neither girl is better than the other. Both good girls. Just had a rocky relationship with my ex for 4 years. However there's a strong connection there Strong connection doesn't count for diddly-squat if you broke up after 4 turbulent years.
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Not unless you've both put serious work into not falling into the same holes. And I'm talking about counselling. Hope is not enough, especially if you repeatedly messed up over 4 years. Hon, you're deluding yourself. Relationships aren't supposed to be permanently rocky. And they don't spontaneously heal themselves. Please read and reread Tara's and pick's posts. Do relationships have rough patches? Sure. Things can get difficult, stressful, boring or lame for a few days/weeks/even-months! But they absolutely should NOT be permanently rocky. Healthy conflict is good - it can lead to growth. But too much chokes the life out of you. Lack of conflict, and growth stops and things fade away. My ex has good qualities too. We just argued a lot over the 4 years and I fear it will go back to the same crap. I was negligent I just worked nights and couldn't see her every single day. This new girl was cool with seeing me some weeks only one day. Working nights and not seeing her every single day is NOT being negligent.
Author mike9876 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Strong connection doesn't count for diddly-squat if you broke up after 4 turbulent years. But the end wasn't rocky
Author mike9876 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Please read and reread Tara's and pick's posts. Do relationships have rough patches? Sure. Things can get difficult, stressful, boring or lame for a few days/weeks/even-months! But they absolutely should NOT be permanently rocky. Healthy conflict is good - it can lead to growth. But too much chokes the life out of you. Lack of conflict, and growth stops and things fade away. Working nights and not seeing her every single day is NOT being negligent. I know new girl I know it was too soon to tell but was fine wih my schedule and not seeing me too often. She said it made her more grateful when she did see me
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 But the end wasn't rocky The end wasn't, but those 4 years were. 4 years > however long the end was I know new girl I know it was too soon to tell but was fine wih my schedule and not seeing me too often. She said it made her more grateful when she did see me The new girl doesn't matter. So what is she was okay with your schedule? You didn't pick her. Also, you were too new into things with the new girl - honeymoon period. Everything seems love-dovey, shiny and fine during that exciting beginning. Anyways, your ex had problems with your schedule. She's the one that wanted to see you more. She's the one that dumped you. I'm not entirely convinced you neglected your ex, and even if you DID, it's her job to SAY SOMETHING and both of your responsibilities to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
SYLLPalmer Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I want to stay friends with the new girl. Hate burning bridges. The new girl told me she thought I was over my ex which I thought I was and I wasn't Claiming the old burning bridge disclaimer is the equivalent of "I want all the attention I can get." Stop asking what you want for yourself. If you can't then have no one to distract from determining that. Pain and loneliness (aka boredom) help us discern what we wish was different. You can't live your way into a dream navigating the way you do. It is sloppy and naive and selfish, but that is youth. Try to grow up fast. Here is what a good guy would do. Stick with his choice and cut off ties from the unchosen:o until she falls in love with another. Then you may try to cultivate a friendship if you still have the urge.
pickflicker Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 But the end wasn't rocky That's like a movie being sh*t for the first three quarters and the ending somehow is ok. It doesn't redeem the whole movie. Besides, if the ending was so good - why did it end? 2
pickflicker Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Working nights and not seeing her every single day is NOT being negligent. Agreed. If you're married, sure, you expect to see your partner almost every day. While dating? No thanks. Give me some space or I'm going to suffocate. OP, you're lured by codependency. If the chick is a drama queen, she must love you more, right? Wrong. Learn this lesson now, and you'll save yourself loads of grief.
mortensorchid Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Yes, you made a mistake. You did a bad thing. You should be ashamed of yourself for this. But, we all make them. I hope you know better next time not to do something so foolish.
SadHumiliated Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I want to stay friends with the new girl. Hate burning bridges. The new girl told me she thought I was over my ex which I thought I was and I wasn't You want to stay friends with the new girl as backup, not because you genuinely give a **** about being her friend. You aren't her friend; you showed that when you went back to your ex behind her back and left her hanging. Friends don't treat friends that way. You messed up a potential relationship because you can't let go of the past. You need to move on from both these women. 4
devilish innocent Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 The main difference between somebody you've been with for many years and somebody new is that you have years of experience to show you what dating one of them long-term is like. That could be either a good thing or a bad thing depending on the type of relationship you've had. Four difficult years with someone is worse than not having known them at all. You really need to ask yourself if what you've had with your girlfriend in the past is what you want for your future. It kinds of sounds like it's not. It isn't too late to break things off with her and go back to the new girl. Otherwise, though, you really need to cut the new girl out of your life. It's obvious neither you nor her is in any sort of position to be just friends. P.S.-A short period of not arguing doesn't mean anything unless you've really worked through the issues.
AlphaC Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 8 months ago my ex gf of 4.5 years broke up with me. Her reasons were that because I worked overnights I didnt spend enough time with her and didnt act interested in her. In her defense she was right. Since the break up shes dated and so have I. Before Christmas I started seeing a girl. Great conversation, funny, independent girl and great sex. Last week I fell under a depression, and had a lot going on with work, and having surgery. My ex contacted me and told me she never got over me and couldnt find a connection like she had with me with anyone else. So we hung out 2 days last week then the weekend. (My ex broke off things with a guy she was seeing friday) The new girl asked to hang out this weekend and I told her Id let her know. (was trying to sort out my feelings for my ex) Monday came and the new girl (non exclusive) texted me asking if I wanted to see her anymore because she did not want to waste her time. I told her I got back with my ex and the new girl took it pretty hard. New girl said things why would you go backward when we had so much potential? New girl also brought up that my ex had hacked my facebook 4 months prior. I told the new girl about this. I told the new girl I had to try to mend things with my ex but didnt wanna burn bridges with her. Am i making a mistake? It's funny you posted this today, my friend got dumped by his ex 6 years ago, he has not seen or heard from her since, until today. This morning he called me and the first thing out of his mouth was "guess who contacted me on facebook?" I said "your ex" he said "yeah, it's been 6 years and she forwarded an ad about a certain musician that I like who will be performing near us." This friend of mine is currently dating a new girl, they have been together for 4 years. However, he is still in love with this ex who dumped him and went cold. Like the OP, my friend took all the blame for the break up. He asked me what to do, I told him to leave the ex alone and concentrate on his current woman, to which he replied "yeah." About 30 minutes later he texts to say the ex emailed him her number. I know my friend really well, he never healed from that relationship and just like the OP he will make a mistake that he will later regret, but he has to learn, unfortunately. OP a lot of people are giving you good advice here, it probably won't make any sense now but you'll be back in a few months and it will all sink in, unfortunately.
Author mike9876 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 The main difference between somebody you've been with for many years and somebody new is that you have years of experience to show you what dating one of them long-term is like. That could be either a good thing or a bad thing depending on the type of relationship you've had. Four difficult years with someone is worse than not having known them at all. You really need to ask yourself if what you've had with your girlfriend in the past is what you want for your future. It kinds of sounds like it's not. It isn't too late to break things off with her and go back to the new girl. Otherwise, though, you really need to cut the new girl out of your life. It's obvious neither you nor her is in any sort of position to be just friends. P.S.-A short period of not arguing doesn't mean anything unless you've really worked through the issues. Everyone is probably right about my ex. And I think it's too late for the new girl I'm sure she hates me
Author mike9876 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 I've been in a depression. Is it bad to make a decision like this while depressed
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I've been in a depression. Is it bad to make a decision like this while depressed Holy schmoly. Sorry, but this is a frickin' inadequate excuse. I have learned over some time that so-called depressed people can be quite actively and consciously manipulative. Thanks for adding the "depressed" card in to this whole sordid affair...sheesh. I've been depressed for 6-years and have had no problems making sound decisions. Come on man. 1
Author mike9876 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Holy schmoly. Sorry, but this is a frickin' inadequate excuse. I have learned over some time that so-called depressed people can be quite actively and consciously manipulative. Thanks for adding the "depressed" card in to this whole sordid affair...sheesh. I've been depressed for 6-years and have had no problems making sound decisions. Come on man. Well I apologized to the new girl, and told her she didn't deserve to be hurt. She was quite understanding but said it just hurts because she wants more than a friendship
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Well I apologized to the new girl, and told her she didn't deserve to be hurt. She was quite understanding but said it just hurts because she wants more than a friendship mike, make a decision so that people can move on with their lives. you included. you're back with your ex, so do your best to make it work. there was a reason why you went back to her, right?
Author mike9876 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 mike, make a decision so that people can move on with their lives. you included. you're back with your ex, so do your best to make it work. there was a reason why you went back to her, right? I'm back with my ex I apologized to the new girl and I'm leaving the new girl alone to move on. Sorry I'm a confused person
mrs rubble Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Everyone is probably right about my ex. And I think it's too late for the new girl I'm sure she hates me I've been "new girl" before. I stayed friends even though I was really hurt by his rejection and even gave him another chance when things didn't work out for him. I then dumped him for someone else!! However 5 years later we're still good mates and we're both in stable committed relationships.
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm back with my ex I apologized to the new girl and I'm leaving the new girl alone to move on. Sorry I'm a confused person WORK ON THIS relationship. Don't go into this repair mode less than 100%! If your heart is not all into making this work, let your gf know now. Good luck.
Author mike9876 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 WORK ON THIS relationship. Don't go into this repair mode less than 100%! If your heart is not all into making this work, let your gf know now. Good luck. I told the new girl I'm conflicted and confused. She told me she's not saying it out of jealousy but Maybe I should take time alone to figure out what I want
Never Again Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Stop talking to the new girl completely. You apologized, which was mostly to allieve your own guilt, now distance yourself. It's been mentioned here that you may need time alone. Only you can decide that. As far as the depression goes: there are types and intensities of depression that can affect decision making...those affected can lose all motivation, lose desire to make any decisions...the decisions made are usually those to AVOID work. You made a choice that required MORE work. While depression can affect your decision making, that did not come into play here.
pickflicker Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I told the new girl I'm conflicted and confused. She told me she's not saying it out of jealousy but Maybe I should take time alone to figure out what I want Get away from both of them. You're not functional enough to be in a relationship with anyone. I suspect you have trouble being single. 2
Versacehottie Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm not at all certain as to how people have come to the conclusion that the new girl is the better option. i think the NEW girl is better option for a couple of reasons knowing very LITTLE about the actual people involved. Because there are patterns established after 4.5 years together (that were rocky btw), that are unlikely to be broken; so as far as probability alone goes, the OP would likely have best outcome with NEW person. Secondly, I tend to believe/see that people who break up and get back together--that's about the individual redeeming his/herself or a mission that has to do with ego. Whereas with the NEW person, it legitimately most likely has to do with the potential for a real relationship. Lastly, which may reflect on the actual people involved in this scenario, when OP describes the NEW girl and all the great things he says she is, me thinks that is in comparison to ex-gf. Definitely some comparison going on there. Maybe OP didn't elaborate BUT when he writes about ex-gf, I just get the feeling he feels guilty or wanting to see his "investment" out rather than the qualities that attract him to this person (though in all fairness, she doesn't sound bad either).
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