spoonman Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Long time lurker, first time poster. I am so glad I'm not alone. I am a MM involved in an A with a MW. It has been more emotional than physical even though we've only been at it for a few months. I have seen her 6-8 times. It has certainly had it's ups and downs, especially over the past few weeks. I have one good friend that I told everything to. He ended up being a complete a**hole to her through email and harassed her about everything. We laughed and moved past that. A couple weeks ago we had another issue, totally my fault. She said she needed time. I don't understand that whole needing "time" concept so I pushed. Eventually I caved and moved a trip up a few days to give her some space. Being my "friend" was the only one that knows about this, I told him she'll be in touch if there is anything she wants to get a hold of me about. I didn't take my phone or anything with me so I could avoid getting in touch with her. He instantly got in touch with her and sort of started on his crap about how good I am, and so in love, blah, blah, blah. She asked him to check and see if I made it safely and to "tell him I f'ing love him". He said I made it but didn't tell me that. When I got back she was mad at me that I brought this crazy douchebag back into her life and said there is too much drama. She then said we need to stop, it was too much too soon and we don't know each other. She then said she needs more time. I'm not good with time, I need to know!! I sent her an email this morning saying that we have a connection and to give me a chance to show her the real me without the influence of this so called "friend". I told her he will never be an issue again as he's not a friend any longer. Don't throw it away. I just sent her a text telling her everything I miss about her. I have not heard from her in 2 days. How can someone say they f'ing love you and then ignore you? I feel like an idiot even posting this, I'm 43 years old, WTF, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. How do I get her back? How do I move on? I know I fell in love too fast, but that's water under the bridge. I guess I just need some anonymous advice from people that are married and have gone through something similar. Thanks, and sorry for the rambling, I'm just a mess today. Edited February 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If she loves you, she'll come back. Leave your friend out of this completely. He sounds like a jerk and an instigator. I'd tell him that your A is done and refuse to discuss it again. As far as she goes, I've had times where if MM were in front of me, I probably would have choked him out cold, but that anger tends to fade quickly when you're in love.
Snipercatt Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If you want advice from married fold, and seeing as you are married, and she is married, why don't you post in the marriage forum under infidelity. 1
RickFox Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Even if she loves you she may not come back..... You wanna know how someone can love you and discard you.....join the club. You are not alone, read some back stories here 4
txgrl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Maybe she wanted out already and used your friend as an excuse . Everybody needs a catalyst to get out of an A and maybe that was it. Either way, ideally you should be looking to get out of it too . It'll bring devastation to two families if it comes out . Best Rick, I didn't 'discard' OM. I did what was right for both of us . He might feel used and abused for a while but he'll thank me when he 'grows up' just like I thank him for respecting NC. Best Edited February 20, 2014 by txgrl
Popsicle Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I am in shock that you are 43. I'm guessing she is around that age too. You guys must be bored to death in your marriages. 1
RickFox Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Maybe she wanted out already and used your friend as an excuse . Everybody needs a catalyst to get out of an A and maybe that was it. Either way, ideally you should be looking to get out of it too . It'll bring devastation to two families if it comes out . Best Rick, I didn't 'discard' OM. I did what was right for both of us . He might feel used and abused for a while but he'll thank me when he 'grows up' just like I thank him for respecting NC. Best I never said you did:cool: 1
SugarHibiscus Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I think you need to give her space. I bet she'll come back. I don't know if someone can just stop loving you in 24 hours. Keep your friend out of it! But what do I know... I have to say that I've been acting like a love sick teenager in my A. Does he love me? Love me not? Over-analyzing his behavior and then analyzing it some more. Waiting for him to call or text like my life depends on it. Ugh. I need to grow up. Am I 34 or 14? I've never been insecure before and boy does it suck. 3
WakingUp Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 There comes a point when whether they love you or not is completely irrelevant. All the love in the world means nothing if they are not prepared to do anything about it. Anyone who can string you along in an affair and knowingly cause you heartache and pain does not love you. Simple really. Took me five years to work that one out! 3
wanting more Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Did she really say "I f**king love you"?
Author spoonman Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Did she really say "I f**king love you"? Yes! That's why I'm so effed up. I did get a few words from her today. I asked her "do you love me or am I just wasting my time". She said she does, she's just confused. There were 1 or 2 short messages about nothing after that. I guess I need to play the waiting game. I'm entirely too old for that but I don't want to risk losing her so I will. That's torture for a guy like me. Someone mentioned earlier about being really bored in our marriages. I guess so. My marriage will be done by the middle-end of the year. So I really don't know why I'm so hung up on her. I'll have all of the freedom in the world. There was such a connection there. Thanks mod for breaking my original post into paragraphs. I bet that happens alot with people on here just rambling spilling their guts.
SugarHibiscus Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 So she says she does love you! That's a positive sign right? I've never SAID the words to my OM even though I clearly do love him. It's been over a year. I do and say all sorts of things that clearly show him I love him A LOT. I just can't say the actual words. He says it freely. Maybe I'm secretly a dude? Give her some time. Confusion is normal in this kinda pickle. ETA: Maybe when I do say it, I'll say "I F-ing love you!" I think he'd laugh.
RickFox Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I hope it works out for you but I'm thinking you're about to get even more messed up before it's all said and done
chelsea2011 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) Yes! That's why I'm so effed up. I did get a few words from her today. I asked her "do you love me or am I just wasting my time". She said she does, she's just confused. There were 1 or 2 short messages about nothing after that. I guess I need to play the waiting game. I'm entirely too old for that but I don't want to risk losing her so I will. That's torture for a guy like me. Someone mentioned earlier about being really bored in our marriages. I guess so. My marriage will be done by the middle-end of the year. So I really don't know why I'm so hung up on her. I'll have all of the freedom in the world. There was such a connection there. Thanks mod for breaking my original post into paragraphs. I bet that happens alot with people on here just rambling spilling their guts. I said that in another post and it probably sounded harsh, but it's hard to read about someone just brushing another human being aside as if they don't count and that they should automatically understand the MM/MW's plight. It's kinda cold. Yes, the OW or OM shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place and that's on them, but they are still a human being with feelings. Just like the single one needs to understand their own mistake the married AP needs to understand and take responsibility for their own part in it all. Didn't meant to offend. Edited February 21, 2014 by chelsea2011
Author spoonman Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Did she ever say she was divorcing? No. She said she wants to eventually leave but has to get everything in order and figure out how. I mentioned my marriage was done by the end of the year. There was very little talk of a future life together. Just a couple what if's and maybe's.
herself Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 If its only been a few months and its hard, if you did rekindle, would just like to say it only gets harder really. Its just gonna be easier to go on without her and that doesnt mean.pretending not to still love her, Im sure she loves you too still, but you can live your lives and send love from a distance as sooner or later it all ends in heartache anyways as both weigh the strain & that marriage & families could be broken, thats when it falls apart. You can save alot of heartache my friend. Im out of my 13 year EA and its brutal, and the sadness of not getting to keep our love life alive will never ever heal. We will in future down the lines be friends, but the agony of letting go, even mourning a death cannot compare. Trust me, she loves you. But if yiu can help it....let her go so you dont face even more heartache in future. Im broken & would say anything to save someone else that pain.
Confusedlonelyman Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I have kinda the same thing going on.... needing time, In-Love vs Love, and its all mind boggling. But if she asks for time, give it, though days seem like weeks and months, try to find a way to slow down your head and not over think things
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