He left, 2.5 weeks ago

[bermondsey]

I've been in a relationship with my MM for over 2 years now and we've certainly had our share of heartache, usually on my part til now. He left his wife 2.5 weeks ago and I suppose it's a big step. Lots of new feelings for both of us

 

The first year of the affair was us falling in love, spending time, growing apart from our spouses but we very rarely had too much serious talk. We agreed that after a year if we were still together that we should have a serious conversation. I knew quite early on that I wanted to be in a proper relationship with him; he knew he loved me but he has 3 young children (I have none) and he is utterly devoted to them.

 

Year two of the relationship and we tried a few things. I ended with him and he cried and begged me back. We went NC and he decided that he wanted to be with me. But then the guilt washed over him as he sat in the car with his children looking at them and he decided he couldn't leave. He ended with me and I was devastated. He wouldn't leave me alone and we continued to talk and spend time together. He told our boss the situation; that we weren't together now but he would love me forever and could never rule us out in the future and our boss advised MM to have counselling, having been in a similar situation himself, and knowing the detrimental effects it was having on me in particular.

 

IC was a really big help and a big step for MM. But things dragged on. And on and on. Looking back I'm definitely a pushover and just listened to the words he said, rather than demanding some firmer actions. It took me a while to cotton onto that I guess. Come summer time last year I was fed up and low and said that we needed to Plan. We didn't want to lose each other but he didn't want to lose the children. It was hard for him to see past something that would break his heart either way.

 

He told his parents in July and they have been very supportive. His Mum thinks he should follow his heart and really likes me. His Dad likes me but is more traditional - thinks he should never have married his wife but should stick with her no matter what for the children. (I think it's good he has 2 points of view). August was a bad month ... he went on the family holiday so as not to disappoint the kids and I'll admit I sunk into depression by that stage. September he told me he 'needed to feel like he'd lost me' and wanted to cut down our contact. (I said, no contact then). Which we did and he came back, telling me he could not be without me and wanted a future. We spent a few days together, our first real trip away which was magical. Things have (understandably) been awful with our spouses, arguing constantly because of the lack of attention, affection, love, or care toward them.

 

I know many of you readers won't like this and I am not sure that I do, but it is a very difficult situation. He has never wanted to tell her of the affair because he is terrified she will be incredibly vindictive and take the children away. I know people say, oh she can't because of the courts, but I truly think she would do everything in her power to ensure he never saw them again - that may mean making up lies and accusations - but seeing what I have from her and her family, it is a real concern. Yes I agree people should put the children first but it is hard for her to see past her own pain. He had almost hoped if he was a rubbish enough husband that he would grind her down and she might leave him, so at least things would be more amicable. Horrible I know.

 

We started planning properly. In October he went away with work for 3 days and told his wife he wanted a trial separation - no contact with her for a few days, some peace for him to think. She went ballistic and threatened suicide several times. She would not leave him alone and was constantly phoning and texting so it wasn't the space for the soft approach he had hoped for ... to say 'let's take this as a trial separation', come back and say, 'actually I didn't miss you, perhaps we should make this more of a permanent arrangement'...

 

I left my husband. The arguments railed for weeks and early November, he tried to leave her. She clung to his leg weeping and would not let him go, begging, phoned her parents and his parents to get involved. A few days later he did leave. He had one night at his parents house and despite missing the children terribly, began to feel a little relief that he'd taken such a big step. Sadly the next day he had a phone call from her Dad saying that she had fallen down the stairs and was in hospital. Thankfully she was okay but sadly, this was no fall. She was unable to drive and needed time to recuperate so he moved back to care for the children. Things continued to go from bad to worse in their relationship. He felt after this fall and injury that if he truly loved her, something inside would have sparked, but it just didn't. He felt pity, but sad about being manipulated and more determined than ever that it was better to be with the person you loved and have shared custody with the children.

 

We planned finances; read divorce books; separation guides for parents; he talked to his parents and his best friend; actually at work now it's quite open. He saw the counsellor again who said he was 'emotionally divorced' and one of our friends who is a doctor said it is like a bereavement and he is in the acceptance/depression stage. And he LEFT. He did actually leave. Two and a half weeks ago. He has been staying at his parents all that time. I have been up to stay. I've met his brother and sister. We've had lots of firsts. In a way there have been some nice times. But he has sunk into the depression that I had last year because he misses the children terribly. He doesn't miss his wife at all but she is continuing to beg, plead, promising to change, asking for counselling (which he suggested years ago but she would never go). He would probably like to tell her the truth because it feels fairer, but his parents and best friend, knowing her temperament, have counselled him not to. And he is so scared about losing the children. He has seen them as much as he can over the 2.5 weeks but she has used them as a weapon unfortunately. On Saturday she hit him and pushed him out of the house, in front of the children, because he would not go back to her - and ignored his messages til Monday morning when she then told him she had taken the children away for the week (a 4 hour drive away). He is walking on eggshells around her because he just wants to see the children. She won't let him take them out without her tagging along and so it's very awkward and difficult. He's pretty exhausted and low. He's left and obviously it's a huge step but I can't feel pleased ... no way ... too many people are hurting and things are still very uncertain. I really do feel for his wife; she has not done herself any favours in how she has been over the last few weeks because she has been angry, lied to him, fought with his family etc. Thankfully she has seen a GP about depression.

 

Yes so what a big, dramatic mess. We are just trying to take it day by day. I know he is very low, and of course I wonder deep down about whether he will go back. Many things he says indicate he won't and he doesn't plan to. I ask him outright and he doesn't plan to. I can't help but wonder if he is being soft with his wife and keeping his options open in case in a few weeks he can't cope without the children any longer. My life is pretty much in limbo , as usual. Obviously it's far worse for the BSs.

 

Leaving is not easy. It's really not. We are both completely in love with each other and know we are good together and can be a strong couple. Time will heal, we hope. We talk about everything and we have both had counselling and have worked out that this isn't just a fad or grass is greener. We haven't really had that much fun over the last year - it's the emotional side more than the physical side - it has been hard work and continues to be but we do believe in our love and future. We sat playing a board game with his brothers and sisters the other night and it was so ... normal. It is a truly weird situation. A terrible situation. One that has caused pain & continues to do so.

 

We know where our marriages went wrong and do believe that we can make it as a couple and I will do my best to support him and in time, become a good stepmum, I do care about the children very much. I know my presence has made things worse in the marriage and am truly sorry for that. He is a lovely, caring man, he is not a bad person although I know we have made a horrible situation. He is scared, his fear has caused him to drag his heels, hope it'll all go away, but I know he loves me and I love him. It's hard to see him so low and I blame myself. Day - by - day .... we'll take it as it comes ...

Edited February 20, 2014 by bermondsey
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[txgrl]

After saying and sharing everything that your MM has with you, with my OM... After talking to H about how incompatible we are, after initiating D ... I went back, R with H and am at peace with my decision today . It was the right thing for myself, H,M, kid and OM.

 

When hormones run high, people say things and they do mean it . When reality hits, people will break . Kids are a very very big part of a parents life . don't be surprised if he goes back and requests NC from you .

His wife may be a bitch on wheels but that's his kids mother whom he had NOT divorced yet .

Best

[thinkingofhim]

This is such a mess. If hes really truly leaving for the last time honestly for real this time, why don't you back off until he has ACTUALLY left?

 

It sounds like he can't make a decision on his own without a woman to do it for him. He spends time with you, you talk about how much you love him, he picks you. Then he sees his wife and picks her. Back and forth back and forth.

 

I think you should leave him alone, stop meeting his family, etc, until the divorce is final. I'm NOT judging you or trying to be harsh. This is just a huge mess between him, wife, kids, and family, and it's not your mess to deal with. Stay out of it and let him figure out what to do on his own, cause this man is a hot mess.

[Devastated1969]

What a traumatic time for you all... Just be very cautious and careful, having just lost the man of my dreams who has left to return to his wife and children after separating (before I met him) living me with and spending an amazing, loving and joyous 6 months together, I know only too well how painful it is if they change their mind (which I understand from lots of reading is not unusual at all).

 

Give him (and yourself) plenty of space and time and try hard to allow him to come to terms with whether he wants to attempt a R with his wife or not. It may take him many months to really know the direction he wants to take as right now everything is so turbulent it must be hard to think things through in a calm manner. Take care of yourself, hugs xx

[cozycottagelg]

This is such a mess. If hes really truly leaving for the last time honestly for real this time, why don't you back off until he has ACTUALLY left?

 

It sounds like he can't make a decision on his own without a woman to do it for him. He spends time with you, you talk about how much you love him, he picks you. Then he sees his wife and picks her. Back and forth back and forth.

 

I think you should leave him alone, stop meeting his family, etc, until the divorce is final. I'm NOT judging you or trying to be harsh. This is just a huge mess between him, wife, kids, and family, and it's not your mess to deal with. Stay out of it and let him figure out what to do on his own, cause this man is a hot mess.

 

I wish I didn't agree as I know you are hurting..but this is exactly what you should be doing.

[Quiet Storm]

Many men will get depressed after leaving because they feel like a failure. His choices have destroyed his children's intact family. In fantasyland, it doesn't seem so harsh-BW will be accepting and eager to move on, and the kids will easily adjust because they "want Dad to be happy". As you can see, reality is much different... BW is not coping well at all, the kids are confused and probably traumatized, and Dad is definitely not happy.

 

Don't be surprised if he begins to view your relationship in a negative way. Before all this, he probably associated you with feelings of joy, escape, excitement, freedom, etc. Now that he has to deal with the consequences, and face his family's pain & disappointment, those happy feelings may be few and far between. The man you fell in love with may change into a totally different man when he is forced to deal with the impact of his choices. The aftermath can change the way he views the whole affair. He may think... all this pain, heartache & stress that I have caused, and I'm not even happy.

 

My suggestion is leave him alone & allow him to work through these feelings with his therapist. You seem to be very involved in the process and that's not healthy for you. You have control over your life, and the way you talk, it sounds like you are giving your power away. Don't put your future in the hands of a messed up cheater and his suicidal wife. Not a good plan. You have to look out for your best interests. He's got other priorities right now.

 

I would prepare yourself for the realization that this is not the man that you imagined him to be. Reading your post, he seems like a confused, guilty, indecisive, manipulative, weak, conflict avoidant mess. You are blaming the circumstances for his state of mind, but you should really examine his character. Make sure you really love HIM, and not just the way he makes you feel. Make sure your expecations are realistic. It's not going to be like it was in the beginning when the dopamine was flowing, and the consequences hadn't hit yet.

 

My guess is that he will eventually move back home, telling you that his wife is suicidal and that he can't possibly leave his kids to be raised by a crazy woman. He will constantly tell you how miserable he is and play the role of noble martyr to get your sympathy, and you will continue to be an affair with him until you finally realize that he is not the man you thought he was. And that even if he is telling the truth and he is totally in love with you, but miserably stuck in an impossible situation... that's not the kind of life that you want for yourself.

[ComingInHot]

So he left 2.5 weeks ago but he didn't leave? You lost me. I can't stand the back and forth for you, His children and Wife.

[Ruffian1]

she has not done herself any favours in how she has been over the last few weeks because she has been angry, lied to him, fought with his family etc. Thankfully she has seen a GP about depression.

 

 

Seriously, you are going to bash the victim? She lied to him????!!!!

How long has he been lying to her?

And any fantasy you have about being a good stepmum . . . well . . .if she is as angry as you say . . . she will have none of that.

 

Her kids will eventually know who daddy left mum for . . . no matter how you try to hide it.

 

That is reality.