pteromom Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I gave him an hour and then asked if he could help with laundry. He got huffy and annoyed so I left him alone. I had no idea how long it would take him and even asked him for a time line so that I wouldn't keep bothering him. Mistake 1: putting yourself in a situation where him doing his part got in the way of you doing your part. Next time, tell him "I am taking your work shirts to the closet. Can you hang them up when you get the chance?" Then, if he decides he wants to live out of a laundry basket until the laundry is done, that's his choice. And you are completely not invested in what he does. He asked what I had against folding clothes. I told him those were his work shirts that we normally hang, not fold, and that there was so much laundry I didn't have much room to maneuver. Plus, there was so much I was trying to get done in a short period of time that I didn't think it would be a big deal. Mistake 2: Becoming involved in the argument. Obviously if someone is coming at you with "What do you have against folding clothes?", it is not a serious question, but a jab. There is no need to defend yourself against it. Just walk away, and later when he's not angrily hanging up his shirts, you can have a rational conversation about division of labor. Don't get into another argument. Just say "Here are my needs" and "What can you help with?" and let him help you solve the problem. He restated that when he was single, he was able to do his own laundry and not have these problems, so he didn't understand where I was coming from. I stated that we had a child together... Mistake 3: He needled you again and you fell for it again. Do NOT engage when his comments are not made to solve a problem but only to jab at you. Then, he complained that one of his t-shirts was fading from black to a green color and asked why it was doing that. I got a little annoyed and said that I didn't know, that I never used bleach. No need to get defensive. Just say "I have no idea" and leave it at that. I got tired of him acting this way, so I offered kindly to do the rest of the laundry by myself. Mistake 4: Paying his behavior off. He has learned that if he causes a scene, that you just take over. How do I handle this? I just want to keep the peace and not get into altercations like this. Should I just let it go and not try to defend myself? YES! When he says something, ask yourself if he is truly trying to solve a problem, or if he is just venting frustration onto you. If it is the first, engage in a calm discussion about it. If it is the second, walk away! And try not to take everything personally. You have no obligation to defend yourself, and if he thinks you bleached his shirt, so what? He can think that if he wants to, and if he really thinks that, why the heck isn't he doing his own laundry? If I thought someone was ruining my clothes, I would be taking responsibility for my own stuff. 2
stillafool Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 But if you don't mind your husband having sex with other women are you going to expose yourself to their diseases by continuing to have sex with him?
Author CosettetheBet Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 We haven't gotten that far re: the sex with other people thing. Right now, we're sleeping in separate bedrooms. Now he's saying he wants to go to therapy and all that, but I've heard that before and as soon as he's been nice for a week and I've dropped my guard, the crap will start right back up again. Thanks for the advice, Pteromom. That's actually exactly how his mom handles his dad. His dad will snipe at his mom and his mom tactfullly ignores it. He's constantly asking why I dwell on everything. I used to try really hard to meet his standards. Recently, I've realized I just can't. And I'm tired of trying. And I'm tired of being jabbed at constantly when I'm trying to do right by him. I don't know why he can't see that. He is constantly telling me I'm a martyr, and maybe I am. Maybe I take his insults and jabs too personally, when the issue is his and not mine. Thanks for the advice. I think it's workable and I'm going to keep it in the back of my mind so that when he does surprise me with a jab, I can just ignore it. Walk away. Not engage. 1
Author CosettetheBet Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I've really posted alot here latey... My husband now says he's "for sure" going to counseling and now thinks I also need to go see someone. I don't deny that. Maybe I will. This morning, my husband and I were in a conversation because he asked me how I liked something he had made for breakfast. We low carb, so normally we just have sausage and eggs or something. Nothing fancy. He ended up saying to me, "Well, you've never lied to me so your integrity is not in question." It was kind of out of the blue, and I was like, "Why would you bring up my integrity in an otherwise light conversation?" He blew me off when I asked him that. I'm not sure if he does that to keep me on my toes around him, but it makes me wonder if he's trying to dig up dirt on me. I have no idea why I'm this paranoid.
CarrieT Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I have no idea why I'm this paranoid. He is digging for information. You stated you are already sleeping in separate rooms so he is trying to figure out if you are already emotionally invested in someone else. 1
nais Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Everyone uses God as a reason to stay- either deal or get a divorce. Not trying to be rude- but maybe someone is out there for him and someone is out there for you. If this is the first 4 years then what's in store for the next four? Does your child need to grow up watching the wrong way to be in a relationship or the right way? There are HAPPY marriages out there- not just those embroiled in day to day trauma from arguing and fighting. Not saying this is yours but hey... is it? appreciate you seeing it for what it is- if not a divorce a legal separation in order to gauge the real feelings you have for one another.
pteromom Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I used to try really hard to meet his standards. Recently, I've realized I just can't. And I'm tired of trying. And I'm tired of being jabbed at constantly when I'm trying to do right by him. I don't know why he can't see that. Because he thinks differently than you. He either 1. doesn't realize he is jabbing you, or 2. does it on purpose to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Either way, your best option is to not engage. But you don't have to meet his standards. You are his wife, not his employee. Sure, you should consider him and be kind and giving, but if he doesn't like the way you do something, he is welcome to do it himself. You are already a grown-up - you don't need him to raise you like a kid. He is constantly telling me I'm a martyr, and maybe I am. Maybe I take his insults and jabs too personally, when the issue is his and not mine. I don't know about you being a martyr. Sounds to me like that is just a label that he can use to jab you more. But yes to your second sentence. If he has an issue, it does NOT have to be your issue. Being in a marriage doesn't mean you sell out your own happiness in order to make your partner happy. You can make the choice to take a deep breath when he is poking at you, and not have an emotional reaction to it. It doesn't take long to be able to do it at all. You just have to make that decision to give up. Not to give up in the marriage, but to give up being responsible for his happiness. HE's responsible for that, not you. And if he wants to walk around being angry and irritable and snippy, you do not have to join him in that. You can spend time with him when he's happy and wants to be a friend and loving. 1
johndoe13 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) The end. I think you never loved him or liked him. You are a mom now! He senses that you don't love him so he does not trust you, he is insecure and he is not at his best. He senses you want to leave but does not know how to handle it. Just make a decision and end it already it is clear that with everything you say you just dislike him and will end up cheating on him if someone gives you the right attention. "I am not convinced that there is a better person out there for me. I've seen too many women jump ship only to regret it later. " WOW very selfish! So this proves you don'T love him; you are just afraid of being alone and love him as a provider for your baby...very sad...for him! Just my 2 cents. Edited March 5, 2014 by johndoe13 2
newmoon Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 do you have a job? many women take a p/t job in order to 'escape' their homes for a few hours each day. that would give you some 'alone' time and allow you more of your own life and friends. from the initial post it sounds like maybe you've given up too much personal freedom and now you can't get it back. 1
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Do not buy the bs that guys are just not into parenting. That is the "boys will be boys", giggle giggle wink wink, crap. I think you deserve as much me time as he does. I LOVE how guys threaten to take the kids when they are not doing even HALF of the parenting. It is a way to control the little woman and get her back in line.
Almond_Joy Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Not married, but I used to perceive my bf's responses sometimes as jabs/hypercriticism, because he only spoke to find fault with something. I agree with pteromom wholeheartedly. It would wind me up and drain me to engage in that kind of talk because I was operating under the impression that he was criticizing ME, and that it was personal, and that it was my job to meet all his needs/wants to be a good partner. One day I just kind of......snapped? It literally felt like something in me broke. I try so hard to do so much for the people in my life, and it was too much pressure.....all the pressure self-imposed, mind you, but too much. Something had to give. I stopped trying to fix or even acknowledge his constant gripes. He now keeps his complaining to himself. I'm much happier without the burden of his pessimism and negativity. He says he doesn't mind me ignoring him, so I take him at his word that he's happy. My bf isn't as emotionally insecure and defensive as your husband though. So ironic that your husband can dish out such nasty behavior but finds himself the victim when you respond with anger. What a child! His criticisms are not yours to bear respinsibilty for.
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