Silverapathy Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Good morning to anyone reading! I would like to first start by thanking everyone for their posts! I've been a lurker for years and the advice given is frank and respectable & I trust has helped many people get through challenging life moments. My question (& I could have posted on a couple of different boards but thought I'd check in with the "more flexible")... I'm a MW having an affair with a MM; almost 5 years. Seems he is pulling away and his real life is keeping him busy. I knew from the beginning this would happen but my needs are no longer being fulfilled. How do I get out? We love each other in a bare your soul kind of way, but there are no real life realities to test it's truth! He says he fears the day we aren't friends. I've tried to end it once last year and he claimed not to be ready. Of course he's not ready cause he gets his "fill" at home and on the side. My "side dish" though is more of an appetizer on weight watchers! He's my only source of intimacy and the reason I sought out an XMM in the first place. Appreciate any words that will give me the strength to leave a relationship where I am clearly an "option".
txgrl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 How are you an 'option'? Have you guys ever talked about leaving your spouses to be with each other . Even if you have, you have not dong it in 5 years, chances are you will NOT do it . What's more to say? Leave! He'll never be ready .
Sub Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'd say leave him, and either go to MC with your H or get a divorce. Find someone single who fulfills all of your needs, without the drama.
herself Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Well an ap is always an option no matter what. And the fizzling is the gut telling you its your time to go. I think its gonna hurt no matter when or how it ends so theres no "good" time to face the pain, selfishly it would hurt worse if he breaks it off, whereas you would feel stronger and help your self esteem, self respect, and dignity if you do. You have a chance here to do it in a kind, simple way....dont make it hard or over think it. Just say, I would like to end things and focus on our own lives. I need a clean break out of respect for us both and no contact so that I can heal. You can still love someone from a distance and just be thankful for what you did have and the memories, but love them enough to let them go before alot of hard feelings start to develop. Theres no easy way but to just go. I KNOW you will be ok. I wush you all the strengths and encourage it will take to make it through. 1
Author Silverapathy Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Thanks ladies for the suggestions! Common theme is get out! Will take the advice as I was planning, I think I hoped that someone might give me a reason to wait it out:( DH and I have sex 1 every 8 months or so. He had a previous EA. no therapy wanted on his part. We've grown apart and I have needs so I reached out to MOM. MOM & I have agreed that we are not changing our current lives and getting what we need intimately from each other is sufficient. I know this sounds odd! I have no kids; he has 2. They are growing and they need their dad (both boys) and his M seems strong. My difficulty is that NC with MOM means I will need to honestly look at my M and face the reality that I need out of 2 relationships! What a web I've weaved! 1
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I believe in being as happy as you can, and if you find yourself not being happy in the affair, just make it clean, and be kind. Do whatever you feel is necessary to make it stick and move on. Then comes the part where you need to make a decision about your M. Are you willing to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids? Or is it more than that? Are you fulfilled except for sex, or is it other things? Lots to think about. I really do believe your heart is telling you it is time to let go of at least the A, and see where you are. Good luck and let us know. It's a difficult thing that you are about to do. Hang in there and keep your chin up. xx
Author Silverapathy Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Appreciate the wisdom goodyblue et al. I know it's time to move onward and upward; clearly the reason I have turned to this forum and now I know why! You are all helpful in cutting through the BS. Getting up the gumption to end the A is the first step; I will be kind! I'm worried I'll be too kind and crumble like a cheap tent! I will be an emotional mess that I will need to hide from my M somehow. No kids! No money problems! No real issues with M other then he's a boy who never learned how to deal/cope with any issues. We've been married 14 years, dated for 5 so a long time for us to argue about needs. I'm equally at fault and I've emotionally checked out (years ago)... That's another post! First things first... Will keep you all posted and I will continue to seek everyone's opinions! Hugs
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