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Is sometimes restoration not possible?


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Posted

I am the person who cheated. I hurt the love of my life more than anybody has ever hurt her before. She had built up so much trust for me. She trusted me more than she has ever trusted anybody. In fact, she has told me I was the first person she ever trusted. I cheated on her, I left her and started seeing the other woman and I kept stringing her along for a period of several months.

 

Eventually I came back to her and I told her what happened. That was April of last year. Since then we tried working on the relationship. There were plenty of ups and downs. I was very loving and caring, but when it came to details of the affair I wasn't honest at first with her about all of her questions because I didn't want hurt her. I gave little bits and pieces of the truth. This hurt her even more and really slowed down the recovery.

 

However I worked through that and finally came clean with every detail. I gave her complete transparancy in my life by sharing with her all of my passwords to everything, putting gps on my phone, etc.

 

I was faithful to her ever since I told her of what happened, I was very loving and caring.

 

I've read several books on affairs, and I have been in counseling now and figured out what I was going through, how it happened, and I have really changed and become a better person through it all.

 

However her trust is still broken. I am a reminder to her of everything that happened in the past, and she is unable to see how I am right now.

 

She recently left me due to the pain she was in from it all, and from the way she talks it is as she has found peace from it.

 

She really wanted the recovery to work.....as did I. I want it to work more than ever now since I have been in counseling and digging deeper.

 

Is it too hard sometimes for people to let go, heal from it and try again?

I can't expect her to fully forgive me because I don't deserve it and I take all the blame for everything that has happened. She didn't ask for any of this. She loved me full heartedly.

 

If two people really want something, shouldn't anything be possible.

 

Or can this really just break some people to the point where no matter what the other person does... it can't heal and make up for the past?

 

Sorry this was a long post. I just have so much guilt, shame, and worthless feelings for all the pain I have put her through. I've been working through all of my childhood issues growing up in counseling and all the pain I've caused myself.

 

Watching the love of your life walk away because of what you did, and knowing you lost something special because of just how crappy of a person you were is really hard...and I just feel like I am going to break.

Posted

Or can this really just break some people to the point where no matter what the other person does... it can't heal and make up for the past?

 

Yes, for many people certain forms of betrayal is very difficult or impossible to overcome.

 

...and I just feel like I am going to break.

 

As your (ex) gf felt and feeling now. If she has truly moved on from this, good for her. Now it's your turn to do the same.

Posted

You've done all of the right things by coming clean and working on yourself; all you can do now is wait and hope that she will let love bring her back and learn to trust you again. There is not much more you can except to continue being consistent and transparent.

 

Sorry your hurting I know it's hard.

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Posted
You've done all of the right things by coming clean and working on yourself; all you can do now is wait and hope that she will let love bring her back and learn to trust you again. There is not much more you can except to continue being consistent and transparent.

 

Sorry your hurting I know it's hard.

 

 

Thank you Chelsea. It is very hard. We spent the last year recovering, and right now I feel like she used that year with me to actually let me go. I was a completely different person in the way I treated her. We still did have a lot of problems with dealing with the past, but the present was really good.

 

SHe used to be so loving and forgiving, and would have done anything in the world fr me and I just broke her. I broke her to the point where no matter how hard I tried, cried, or treated her better she just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I'll hope for the best.......but I guess I have to plan for the worst.

 

I just really hate myself right now for everything I did.

 

I appreciate your reply.

Posted

One of the mantra I have seen on here and other similar forums is that you can't work on other people, only on yourself. You are doing that. it is ALL you can do. If you have changed, looking at the reasons for your behavour, addressed them, shown her that you have changed and that you love and value her more than anyone else .....there is nothing more to be done.

 

Assume you will now have to move on without her and if she comes back take that as as unexpected bonus.

 

As to this:

 

"and right now I feel like she used that year with me to actually let me go".

 

No, I doubt it was as calcuated as all that. If she was like me she spent the first year like a floundering fish - flapping around in shock, trying to get her breath. And you actually left her..wow! I can't imagine how that would feel:(.) It wasn't until she was calmer that she could make the decision.

 

I hope things work out for you x

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Posted

Have you gotten the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley? Get a copy for you and your BW.

Posted

Meant gently, the trickle-truth is a real killer. Time and time again, my wife proved that she could lie to me with a straight face. My wife cried her eyes out saying that I knew everything and she would never lie to me again and it was a lie while while was saying it. I NEEDED honesty more than anything. How many times did you lie to her during the affair? And then when she gave you a second chance, how many more times did you lie to her while claiming honesty? At what point do you expect that she's simply going to believe that you are, in fact, a liar? She gave you a first chance, then a second, and probably numerous additional chances as you trickled the truth to her with claims of trying to protect her. It didn't protect her at all. Now she has to protect herself, from you.

 

I feel for you, brother, I really do. I have a lot of my own regrets and some of them will never be forgiven. But yours was not some drunken one-night-stand which you confessed the next day and offered full honesty and transparency. You dragged her thru a death of a thousand cuts. Losing her is a consequence you should have seen coming a thousand times over. Sometimes we just have to own our consequences. I think this is a case of, if you love someone set them free.

 

This doesn't mean life is over for you. It means you do what is best for her and you continue on a path of introspection and growth so that your future relationships can and will be healthy ones.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going thru and wish you the best.

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Posted

I doubt she used this time to let go as well. She probably tried everything humanly possible to move forward despite the betrayal and lies because she loves you. However, sometimes when we choose to betray someone AND continue to lie, we break things beyond repair. Working on you is always a good thing to do, whether you reconcile or not. There may come a time when she is able to open herself up again, or maybe not. It is something you cannot control or force or formula into happening.

 

YOU just be the kind of person you know you should be, and try to let go of the rest.

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Posted (edited)

Yes, sometimes reconciliation is not possible. Sometimes, there is just too much to reconcile.

 

My marriage and my family was EVERYTHING to me. The decision not to reconcile was not an easy decision for me. I wrestled with it for 2 1/2 years. I am heartbroken and tremendously sad to look at my WH and know that i will never love or respect him the same. Who knows - had he not been a coward and had "manned up", we might have been able to work through it. But he is a rugsweeper - he wants to pretend that it never happended. I know that he is remorseful and that he is disgusted with what he did, but it's too little, too late for me.

 

The decision not to reconcile is the most difficult decision that I have ever made, and the one that most goes against my principles. For me, there was just too much hurt, too much to reconcile.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Posted
If two people really want something, shouldn't anything be possible.

 

Tell me if you really truly honestly believe this? No. Anything is not possible. If anything were possible, you would have been faithful. That is how she is feeling. So instead of looking at her and wondering why she can't do this with you, look at yourself and get to work. The minute you did this, you gave her a one way ticket out of this marriage. Accept that and work on you.

 

And by the way, I am a former wayward. I will never understand people that look at their spouse and don't get it when they want a divorce. Affairs are marriage killers. That is what they are designed to do. They don't fix your marriage.

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Posted

Divorce/breaking up is a natural consequence of infidelity. Everyone who engages in an affair SHOULD expect that.

 

If, you were given a chance to repair, then you chose to lie, that is on you. Again, a natural consequence of lying, is that others do not believe you. Nor should they.

 

There are certain things in life, that if we engage in that behaviour, and hurt others we have to accept the consequences. We have to understand that the person we hurt is justified in their assessment of our behaviour and have the right to cut us out, regardless of changes we make.

 

I note that you mentioned that presently you are treating her well. Again, for some things in life we can make amends and some things there is no way to balance the justice scale.

 

The choice before you now, is are you going to let this define you or are you going to learn and grow from this? All because you chose this once, does not mean that you will/have to chose it again. You have to want change for YOU, not because you want something from another.

 

Taking ownership includes understanding the other person is completely justified in ending the relationship. It is acknowledging the gravity of your choices and how hurtful they were to another. It is accepting that you were the one who caused it, it is accepting that the other person does not have to forgive, it is accepting that when we made the choice we also accepted the consequences. That the other party is not at fault or being unreasonable or not forgiving....that walking away is a healthy choice for them.

 

I hope you continue your journey to heal, shore up weak areas, and become the person that you would like to be. You are going to be with you, for the rest of your life, make you a person that you are proud of.

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Posted

I think more often than not the answer is "no", it can't be restored. I can forgive my XW (and have), but I will never forget. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me; it was this last time and the time before that as well. A promise is a promise.

 

I commend you OP for your apparent remorse! Mine had no remorse at all and that is why I bailed on both marriages.

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Posted

Thank you everybody for your replies. Its no doubt I made a lot of horrible decisions that really really haunt me from all of this. Having currently lost the relationship and without much hope of a future it has really got me spiraling down, reaching out for help from anybody who will listen.

 

My heart breaks literally for Her pain. I keep thinking of what she was going through during this period and now with her knowing the truth it has really devastated and changed her. I have nightmares where I see her crying and thinking about everything, missing me, only wanting me there. It has me to the point where I hate myself right now...and I'm trying hard to forgive myself and really take all of it to heart.

 

It should be a deal breaker. She deserved a lot better than that, anybody does. I put her through complete hell. The thing is, she really is the perfect match for me. She gave me 100% and we were very compatible.

 

It's a horrible feeling knowing you've caused a good future to go away.

 

I just want to somehow makeup for all the pain I caused, and give her way more than I ever did before... even when the times were good.

 

If I can't.... then I can't. I'll prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

 

Thank you for your honest replies. This hurts everybody involved very badly.

Posted

You cheated on her twice, and then trickle truthed her. You aren't even married to her. Why would any sane woman want to stay? As much as you want her back you should respect her enough to set her free. You made your own bed.

Posted

Right now you want her back so bad because you are being rejected. There are actual chemicals in your brain that get triggered that make you feel like you need to hang onto this for all its worth and there will never be another relationship like this one. It isn't true.

 

Focus on you. Fix the thing in you that allowed you to mess up this badly. So that you never do this to yourself or someone else again. That is the best thing you can do right now. Good luck.

Posted

For a person who is truly remorseful, the hardest thing to come to terms with, is that we were the one with the knife in our hands.

 

Are there people that can hurt others/themselves and shrug it off as "everything happens for a reason"'.....sadly...there are many.

 

Then, there are those, that KNOW, the reason was them. Once that happens, it can definitely make one spiral. The way out of the spiral, is if you understand the reason was you, you can also make different choices, live different, live life consciously, aware of yourself, your impact. Bit by bit, day by day....you move away from those unhealthy choices/thought processes. Until, one day....like many here....sit and reflect and go WTF!!....who was that person?....it is unfamiliar to the you today. It is then, that self forgiveness happens. It is like forgiving someone else....the you today, forgives the past you, because you know that person is gone.

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