wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Ok so i kind of had an ephipany today. I have been struggling with NC since i started it five months ago. Today i realized that i do stick to it, as hard as it is, because i do respect my XAP and dont want to cause problems with his family or make it any harder on him. Sometimes we see Nc as a bad thing thinking that the partner does not want anything to do with each other but the fact could be that both still very much could care about each other still but respects each other enough to not drag out a situation that will never change. I do know that coming from myself, someone who started NC, but didnt want to, i still care deeply for him but know i couldnt risk hurting anyone more, especially if someone found out. Id leave that up to him to tell if he wanted to. I dont want to inflict that pain on someone. Would love to hear if im way out in left field with this 8
littlemermaid Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Ok so i kind of had an ephipany today. I have been struggling with NC since i started it five months ago. Today i realized that i do stick to it, as hard as it is, because i do respect my XAP and dont want to cause problems with his family or make it any harder on him. Sometimes we see Nc as a bad thing thinking that the partner does not want anything to do with each other but the fact could be that both still very much could care about each other still but respects each other enough to not drag out a situation that will never change. I do know that coming from myself, someone who started NC, but didnt want to, i still care deeply for him but know i couldnt risk hurting anyone more, especially if someone found out. Id leave that up to him to tell if he wanted to. I dont want to inflict that pain on someone. Would love to hear if im way out in left field with this I completely agree with this. Actually, my MOM and I didn't say we had to be NC, but the last time I saw him (well second to last, the last time I saw him was in a public place accidentally), he said it would "probably be best," if I didn't come to his house when he was alone there again, and since he struggled so painfully that day when I was there and made it so clear to me that he can't be around me without doing things with me physically that he will regret, I have chosen to go NC because I truly love and care about him as a person and do not want to be the cause of his family breaking apart. I know how much he loves his daughter and it would kill me to be the cause of tearing that apart for him. I am sure that on the days he knows I know he is alone, he is wondering in the back of his mind will I be there...but I won't, because I can't do that to him. I have posted before that in some ways, it is easier for me because from the very start I could never text/email/call/facebook with him, his wife monitors everything, so from the beginning he told me the days I could come if I wanted to and that's basically it unless he comes to a place where he knows I am certain days of the week if he wants to talk to me. So for me to contact him would be for me to bring myself to stand on his doorstep and ring his doorbell, and it's much easier to keep myself from doing that than it would be to stop myself texting, were I able to text him. If that makes sense. But at this point, now 3 weeks from the last time I have seen or spoken to him, I have gone from thinking every minute of an excuse to go over there, to feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and realizing that I would have to be out of my mind to go over there and start this all up again. I'm starting to feel happy and like myself again. I am making a big effort to show affection to my husband and involve myself fully in my family again. and it feels wonderful. Edited February 20, 2014 by littlemermaid 1
Snipercatt Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Wasn't you are correct that what you are doing is a sign of respect for yourself foremost, and for your AP. I commend you because it is the last thing that you desire. It takes a wise person, and one of conviction, to do the right thing, for the right reason. I'll be thinkimg of you as "wasntlooking strong" like "Boston strong". You go, girl! 5
underwater2010 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Yes...it is. Not only to your ExAP who has decided to work on his marriage, but to his wife and their family.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Thank you all for your reply. I have a ton of unfinished buisness with my XAP and someone on here once said to make up your own ending to it all. So i guess im trying to do that. I knkw from my end i feel like im respecting him because i truly dont want to hurt his family. I dont want to be that woman. So i dont contact, reduces the risk of starting more problems. Id like to think that since i told him in the break up email i sent to him that i was falling for him and knew nothing was going to change, hes leaving me alone because he doesnt want me to hurt anymore. Its just hard not to hear that from him. So im trying to take some advice and create my own ending. I hope this thread helps the so many people here struggling with NC. 5
herself Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I think your amazing and so strong, and i know how much it hurt you and how you felt forced to let go with so mant unanswered questions. That makes you even more of a gem because SO many gals break NC to ease pain including me, but nope....,not you. Your an example of a strong bright woman who chose wisely. Im so proud. Hope your heart is healing more each day. So sorry for your hurt. 2
Gunthar Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Thank you all for your reply. I have a ton of unfinished buisness with my XAP and someone on here once said to make up your own ending to it all. So i guess im trying to do that. I knkw from my end i feel like im respecting him because i truly dont want to hurt his family. I dont want to be that woman. So i dont contact, reduces the risk of starting more problems. Id like to think that since i told him in the break up email i sent to him that i was falling for him and knew nothing was going to change, hes leaving me alone because he doesnt want me to hurt anymore. Its just hard not to hear that from him. So im trying to take some advice and create my own ending. I hope this thread helps the so many people here struggling with NC. I'm in pretty much the exact same boat. While I KNOW what we said to each other, and while I know we had expectations of something long term while we each remained in our M, I compromised things like only a fool could and she freaked; utterly forced to go NC to avoid any discovery. I've struggled EVERY day with NC, for over a year now. If I hadn't been so careless, I'd be texting her on my trip here this week... The NC is what helps her feels safe that she won't be found out. So, I respect her militant request/stance re: NC. And respecting her wish, is all I can do to love her, for now (and not giving W any idea that there was an A). I know she misses me. We were the cherry on top for each other. And we still see each other a time or two each week. My W just ran into her at the gym and they chatted about kids and such. I'm dead/numb, waiting for her to agree to resume. But I know what's in our hearts. It will be a while, but love will find a way. Edited February 20, 2014 by Gunthar
Devastated1969 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I think you have done amazing to go NC for so long when your heart is longing for someone. But I see you as a real inspiration to continue with my NC and be strong enough to see that it was not meant to be and to out of respect to everyone involved. You have been so incredibly strong as it is far harder to do the right thing when your heart keeps pulling you in another direction. I will keep moving forward and try to focus on myself and my children. Thank you as I think I would have broken NC without reading your story xx
waterwoman Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I think it is a sign of great respect. To do something that you find really hard in order to help someone else heal is very respectful and kind. Good luck x 3
gettingstronger Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Great outlook and great job maintaining NC- I agree with the others that said its a sign of respect for yourself- our OW still intrudes 13 months later and I can tell you my husband hates, yes strong word, but yes hates her now-she looks sad and pathetic when she intrudes-so for you I say-good job, I get that some days its probably very difficult and it takes all kinds of strong to hang in there and do the right thing-keep on keeping on!
Ailsa1983 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 NC is just another name for letting go where Affairs are concerned.
LaylaSings Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Ok so i kind of had an ephipany today. I have been struggling with NC since i started it five months ago. Today i realized that i do stick to it, as hard as it is, because i do respect my XAP and dont want to cause problems with his family or make it any harder on him. Sometimes we see Nc as a bad thing thinking that the partner does not want anything to do with each other but the fact could be that both still very much could care about each other still but respects each other enough to not drag out a situation that will never change. I do know that coming from myself, someone who started NC, but didnt want to, i still care deeply for him but know i couldnt risk hurting anyone more, especially if someone found out. Id leave that up to him to tell if he wanted to. I dont want to inflict that pain on someone. Would love to hear if im way out in left field with this I couldn't agree more.
Popsicle Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Ok so i kind of had an ephipany today. I have been struggling with NC since i started it five months ago. Today i realized that i do stick to it, as hard as it is, because i do respect my XAP and dont want to cause problems with his family or make it any harder on him. Sometimes we see Nc as a bad thing thinking that the partner does not want anything to do with each other but the fact could be that both still very much could care about each other still but respects each other enough to not drag out a situation that will never change. I do know that coming from myself, someone who started NC, but didnt want to, i still care deeply for him but know i couldnt risk hurting anyone more, especially if someone found out. Id leave that up to him to tell if he wanted to. I dont want to inflict that pain on someone. Would love to hear if im way out in left field with this No you're right on the money.
Author wasntlooking Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Thank you everyone and i hope that everyone is doing well. I had a good day today and am hoping fomorrow is too. One day at a time. Hands down the hardest thing ive ever done. Would rather give birth 1000 times than go through this lol. 1
sunburned Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I've given bbirth several times and agree with this statement on this my 6th month anniversary of NC and nearly 8 mos of not seeing him! My goal now is to lose track of the days/months because his relevance to my life has faded. I like the idea of writing your own ending. I still noodle over that one too much. I am going to pen my own and complete my novel. It was always a work of fiction anyway.
txgrl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 What a nice post! Good luck . I know that my sticking to NC is my respecting my M, H , myself AND OM . Ending an A, as heart wrenching as it feels, is a sign of respect . May all in NC stay strong, many M and families will be saved because of strict NC . Best
Author wasntlooking Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Ok weak moment today! But did not break NC. I logged on to the game XOM and I used to play and chat on today. He had taken his name off in early January and we havent played since september. His name still doesnt show up but on one of my old names he declined an invite today that i sent him long ago. He didnt know that was me who sent it though. So now I know he still at least logs onto this game and checks it out. It just made me wonder if he is looking for a message from me. Now remember i was always the one to start anything up becuase he was afraid of contacting me at wrong time. So the important thing is that i did not act on this today but now i know he still engages in this game and it just makes me wonder 8(
Author wasntlooking Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Just yo be clear, he doesnt know that was me who he declined today. It was an old name i used awhile ago and i sent him a request awhile ago
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