CONFUSED0202 Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 I feel like I already know the answer to my problem, but would like to see if there is anyone else that has an opinion on what I should do. First of all, this guy and I have been friends for about 7 years. We both own businesses and do business together daily. He also dated my sister a few times 7 years ago, but nothing ever came of it, on both sides. He married another girl and separated about 2 years ago. When he left his wife, he turned to me for advise. During all this talking and giving advise, I started to have feelings for him that were more than just friends. Problem 1 - I was married and had been for 11 years. My marriage was already on the rocks and I was truly looking for an "excuse" to get out. Time passed and he moved in with a girl, he says that he is happy. Well, around May of last year we met and slept together, it was really wierd. It has not happened again. I would have liked for it too but he kept telling me that he cared too much for me and our friendship. He told me that when and if we ever really got together he wanted it to be for the right reasons. Plus, at the time I was still married. I told him several times how I felt about him that I was sure that I was falling in love with him. He always says that he is happy with his girlfriend, but he has no idea what the future holds. My husband and I separated in November and because this guy was such a close friend the rumors started flying. It appeared to others that I had left my husband for this guy. This was not the case, my marriage has been over. Now I am "single" but he is still with his girlfriend. Other guys have started asking me out, when I tell him he seems jealous but he tells me to go out and have fun. He says to spend this time thinking about myself. He throws hints that he sees a relationship for us in the future, but he wants the timing to be right. He says that if we see each other now it would be a mistake and he thinks to much of me. I feel like a "teenager" chasing after him, calling his voicemail just to hear his voice. Making up business questions, just to get to talk to him. I truly feel that he is my soulmate, we connect on so many levels. Friends, business, hobbies, etc. Am I wasting my time? or is he truly not wanting to start a relationship with me until all the waters has cleared. Is it possible for a man to be this caring and understanding and looking out for my best interest. Or is he just pacifying me because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I am an attractive person, who owns her own business, a nice house, 146 acres of land, a wonderful family, and am very active in school and community organizations. I am quite well known in my neighborhood. All of this sounds good but because of this I have opened myself up to alot of rumors and people talking. Right now I am the "talk of the town". The relevance of this paragraph is to let you know that quite a few guys are calling or coming to my business to see me. But I am not interested in anyone except him. Does anybody see a future for us, or should I just move on. Or should I take time, have fun, date other people, think only about myself for awhile and see if he is truly the one in a million person that actually puts my life and my feelings first. Sounds to good to be true doesnt it? He keeps telling me how beautiful I am and to be careful and make careful decisions about guys. He also throws in "dont fall in love with somebody else" but then says "dont wait on me." How am I supposed to know what to do. Help!!!!!
Merin Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Sorry.. He's told you he is happy with his girlfriend.. He's told you he doesn't want to ruin the friendship AND he's happy with his girlfriend.. He's told you DON'T wait on him, AND he's happy with his girlfriend.. He's told you make good choices with other guys (not him) AND he's happy with his girlfriend.. Yeah.. time to suck it up here.. accept what it is and move on..
Author CONFUSED0202 Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 Thanks for the quick reply Merin. I understand what you are saying. But he had this girlfriend when he slept with me. He calls me when she is working and meets me at his business late at night to talk. He occassionally kisses me when he leaves. His girlfriend is a real "needy" person who could never get someone like him in a million years. She has 2 children that he is close too. He says he wants me to go slow because he moved way to fast with this girl after his separation from his wife. Talking to him as his "friend" he gives me the impression that he just doesnt want to hurt her. When he says he is happy I feel like he is using that as an excuse to give me more time to clear my head and straighten out my life. I am supposedly his best friend and we talk about everything, but he didnt even tell me her name for almost 6 months, he does not talk about her to me at all. When he is talking to me she is always the "girlfriend" with no name. He doesnt seem committed to her at all. He still has not told me he is living with her, but I figured it out. Does this sound like someone who is truly happy?
Merin Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by CONFUSED0202 Thanks for the quick reply Merin. I understand what you are saying. But he had this girlfriend when he slept with me. He calls me when she is working and meets me at his business late at night to talk. He occassionally kisses me when he leaves. His girlfriend is a real "needy" person who could never get someone like him in a million years. She has 2 children that he is close too. He says he wants me to go slow because he moved way to fast with this girl after his separation from his wife. Talking to him as his "friend" he gives me the impression that he just doesnt want to hurt her. When he says he is happy I feel like he is using that as an excuse to give me more time to clear my head and straighten out my life. I am supposedly his best friend and we talk about everything, but he didnt even tell me her name for almost 6 months, he does not talk about her to me at all. When he is talking to me she is always the "girlfriend" with no name. He doesnt seem committed to her at all. He still has not told me he is living with her, but I figured it out. Does this sound like someone who is truly happy? You're Welcome girl You know honestly.. it sounds like he wants to protect his girlfriend.. and do I think he's happy with her.. yeah I do. I don't want to point out the obvious here (so yeah.. don't get me wrong here) but saying HIS girlfriend could never GET HIM in a million years.. well.. uh.. she does have him (so to speak) I have found that when people tell you things like "I'm happy with my gf/bf" AND "Don't wait for me" the best thing to do.. is to believe them at thier word. IMO it seems YOU have a lot on the ball here.. and I would hate to see you getting involved in something that isn't going to come to fruition of what you really want.. someone who has YOUR back no matter who's watching.. Wish you the best
Author CONFUSED0202 Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 I meant to say, she would never get someone "else" like him. I know I should move on but I really feel like he is the one. Seeing him everyday doesnt make it easy to just walk away. I am just between a rock and a hard place. I cant imagine finding anyone else that I care this much about. and maybe just maybe he does see a future for us. Thanks for advise.
SuperFantastico Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 I think you should date in the mean time. And if he becomes single there you go. I dont really like the whole cheating on his girlfriend with you thing, but i guess you cheated on your husban(unless you were separated at the time) with him. So you are both on even ground there, though not the best of grounds to start a healthy long term relationship.
Author CONFUSED0202 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 We did cheat on his girlfriend and my husband at the time. But it was only once last May and we promised each other we wouldnt do that again. until the time was right. I told him today that I was going to start dating, he has called 3 times already, like he is checking up on me. I truly believe that in time we can have a great relationship. But i guess i will have to start dating, this seems like the only way to get his attention and put pressure on him. He says that things will work out in the future, but when does the future come and when do I assume he doesnt want me but wants no one else to have me either. He is a wonderful person and truly my best friend, I love him in so many ways. He tells me he loves me but i presume he means as a friend, never really got anykind of clarification on that, but then goes home to his "girlfriend" whats up with that.
SuperFantastico Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 Well he seems a bit flaky on the matter. Dont get caught in the other person gambit. If he wants you he will come to you. In the mean time, keep the pressure on by dating others like you said. a)It will force him to suck it up, dump his g/f, and date you b) you will find anouther good guy and be better off.
mental_traveller Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 He is obviously interested to some extent, but various things have held him back from making a play for you. Because of the various confusions, he is umming and aahing about whether to go for you or not. In this case I would advise going after him in an intense fasion, if he responds with interest then say you don't want to mess around, either he is serious and makes a decision to be with you, or you will make a final decision not to be involved intimately ever again. You need to get rid of the uncertainties and open questions, and have a clear decision one way or the other. If he isn't interested despite you going for him seriously, then obviously you can forget about it. It's clear *he* won't make the major move here, so it's up to you. The only way you will find out for sure it to take the plunge and try to win this guy over.
Author CONFUSED0202 Posted January 26, 2005 Author Posted January 26, 2005 Thanks guys for all your replies.... I had a long conversation with him last night. I ask him if he seen a future for us, his response was, "I can't say I do, but I can't say I don't either." What the hell does that mean?? He says for me to go out, have fun, date people, but be careful and dont settle. Well what he is telling me to do and what he is doing is totally opposite. He has settled for the girl he is with. He says he needs to find himself before he tries to find someone else. I challenged him on his advise, that he was not doing what he was telling me to do. He says he knows and that will probably change anyday. When he says, start dating but dont get serious with anyone. Is that his way of leaving the door open for him when & if he decides he wants to knock on it. I told him that he was making a huge mistake and he may be giving up on his main chance for love in his life. I believe that when you fall in love, you will know it immediately. That kind that smacks in you in the face and takes control of your every thought. He says that never really happens. That you have to be with someone for awhile before you know if they are right for you. I'm sorry but if you have lived with someone for over a year and you dont know whether they are "the one", then they are not. I made up my mind last night, that I will never discuss this with him again. If he wants to talk to me about us, then he will have to bring it up. I am going to start dating other people and flaunt all of it in front of him. I am going to talk to him as a friend and tell him all the juicy secrets, even if I have to make some up. If that doesnt send him my way in a few months. He is not worth my time anyway. I deserve more. I just need the strength to make my heart do what my head knows is right. But with me alot of the time my heart is boss, no matter how hard I try. How do you get over something when you really never had the chance to find out if it is the right thing. It was alot easier to get over my ex, I knew I didnt love him anymore and I walked away and never looked back. But with "my friend" the not knowing if he is the one or not and not having the chance to find out, makes it harder to walk away from. I am one that loves a challenge, and it has almost consumed me, to make him want me. I cant stand to lose either.... I have never had to handle rejection before and dont know how. Any ideas???
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 am going to start dating other people and flaunt all of it in front of him. I am going to talk to him as a friend and tell him all the juicy secrets, even if I have to make some up. In this case, the less you say about this the better. I think you are sincerely hoping that he will be jealous and will react by immediately dumping his girlfriend and running to you. Here's the tricky part: he doesn't have to dump his girlfriend - he knows that you are going to be there waiting on the sidelines no matter what you say. In fact, this type of thing will reassure him that you aren't going anywhere - because instead of actually enjoying this type of 'juicy stuff', you are making it very plain that it isn't the 'juicy stuff' that you are enjoying: you get a greater enjoyment in sharing it with him in hopes of making him jealous. I'm not trying to be mean here, but that's very transparent - I've had people do that to me before and yes, I've been guilty of keeping 'backup plan' guys around, and its painfully clear what it is they are trying to do when they do that. The more they insist that I know about what they are doing and who they are doing it with, the greater sign it is of clinging tighter while trying to appear to be moving away. Its the guys who actually DID go out and do stuff while putting me completely out of their minds that I knew were over me. I'm sure he'll see right through it and worse yet: he'll may even tell you that he is glad you are out there having fun.
Recommended Posts