changedlife Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I've posted on here a lot recently and I don't want to over post my welcome. I'm dealing with so many emotions. I miss my ex as much as the next person on here... but I also have so many feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt. I've put on here before that around a year ago I dumped her and strung her along and treated her like crap... lied to her, dated her and another girl at the same time. Thinking about that time and how messed up I was, how much of a ****ty person I was, is what brings me down the most. She is the one who wants the NC and I am trying to respect it. She dumped me so she could heal from all of this. We worked for a year but it just still hurts her and she is still haunted by it. The urge to contact her to pour out more apologies is equal or greater than the urge to contact her to beg her back. I miss her so much. I want to help her in her pain. I want her to see I'm not that same person I was a year ago. She can see that I haven't been treating her like that... but it still haunts her and her trust is still broken. Its a feeling that makes me constantly depressed and feeling like I am just a horrible human being. I want her to tell me that I am not a bad person and be there for me, to work with me.... but I guess I have to learn how to forgive myself. It's just so damn hard when we really were so good together and had so many similarities, passions, desires and beliefs. It is hard when you know that is entirely your fault that you got dumped, and no matter what you do, how truly remorseful you are and how much you change.....it just doesn't matter. People hurt people and I hurt myself. I know all the reasons in my head why I have self worth... but I just don't feel them. I really hate myself for what I did. We were the perfect match and couple for each other and I was really messed up, and dealing with a lot of emotional problems. I hope one day I can get through this..... I hope I can forgive myself. I just feel like I deserve to feel this way after how much pain I put her though. I truly did this to myself....and I hate myself for it.
Virgil876 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I got one of these (worthlessness) last night and today. All over a breakup that was about 6 months ago, she was having an "emotional affair" with a guy overseas (she's in her early 20s) which fot to the point if we're out eating, she wouls be talking to thia said guy online through skype right in front of me even though we should be having our time together. Stupid me didn't get a hint even at that time... So back to this, she deleted me on facebook for no apparent reason even though it has been fine for the past 6 months (at the moment she's overseas seeing the said guy) and she didn't even delete her ex ex (which cheated on her), which i can't digure out why she dislikes (or even hates) me so much? I was very nice to her, I only lack time because I work full time plus studying and near the end of our relationship, she was just sitting at home playing games, doing nothing) So yes, feeling the same as you. PS she broke up with me saying she didn't fwel the same way around 6 months ago.
Author changedlife Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I got one of these (worthlessness) last night and today. All over a breakup that was about 6 months ago, she was having an "emotional affair" with a guy overseas (she's in her early 20s) which fot to the point if we're out eating, she wouls be talking to thia said guy online through skype right in front of me even though we should be having our time together. Stupid me didn't get a hint even at that time... So back to this, she deleted me on facebook for no apparent reason even though it has been fine for the past 6 months (at the moment she's overseas seeing the said guy) and she didn't even delete her ex ex (which cheated on her), which i can't digure out why she dislikes (or even hates) me so much? I was very nice to her, I only lack time because I work full time plus studying and near the end of our relationship, she was just sitting at home playing games, doing nothing) So yes, feeling the same as you. PS she broke up with me saying she didn't fwel the same way around 6 months ago. Man I am so sorry to hear that. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Physical affairs, emotional affairs... they just hurt. Hopefully she will straighten up her act... and hopefully you can find somebody that has their act together and doesn't hurt somebody like that.
oz-missy Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Been there, done that. As the girl that is. After having a guy string you along and finally having the gumption to finally break it off you really need the no contact. Yes you might be feeling ****ty that you can't contact her, but think of her position. She's finally gotten the strength within herself to finally move on and find something she deserves. Don't screw it up for her just because you "feel bad". Maybe you should of felt bad while you were stringing her along, lying and seeing other people. 1
Author changedlife Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Been there, done that. As the girl that is. After having a guy string you along and finally having the gumption to finally break it off you really need the no contact. Yes you might be feeling ****ty that you can't contact her, but think of her position. She's finally gotten the strength within herself to finally move on and find something she deserves. Don't screw it up for her just because you "feel bad". Maybe you should of felt bad while you were stringing her along, lying and seeing other people. You are right... and I wish every second of every day that I could go back and change things. For the last year I've been trying to show her I was sorry. She was getting a lot better from me. I treated her better this last year than I did prior to me cheating and that was when she wanted to marry me. Does she deserve better than being strung along? Hell yeah she does.. anybody does. Does it mean that I can't give her better and give her what she deserves? I'm truly remorseful for what I did and its not that I just "feel-bad". She even told me that I had been the perfect boyfriend after what had happened. So... I Get what you are saying and I know those feelings are hard to get over... But some people really do change and give a lot to make up for their wrongs. I know I wouldn't cheat or hurt her again because I am in therapy, reading multiple books about the pain and suffering from it and how to heal from it. I will give my next partner my best and give them what I would want in return. She knows all of this.... She is just too hurt from a year ago from it. It has nothing to do with how I have been treating her for a year or who I am now.. It's all about what happened... and that is why I feel so bad. Granted there were a lot of ups and downs the last year and I wasn't perfect... but I was always striving to be better and show her I loved her. I think deep down she knows that.
oz-missy Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You sound a lot like my ex. He cheated on me. I tried to forgive him but it just didn't work. He tried to "change" and we were going to get married. Once there is a loss of trust it is so very difficult to have the ability to gain it back. I know that you are saying you've done all of this to try and make yourself better, she's just trying to protect herself. I don't blame her. It absolutely sucks being on the receiving end of all of that. Sometimes in order to actually be able to get on with your life absolutely no contact can be made with an ex.
Author changedlife Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) You sound a lot like my ex. He cheated on me. I tried to forgive him but it just didn't work. He tried to "change" and we were going to get married. Once there is a loss of trust it is so very difficult to have the ability to gain it back. I know that you are saying you've done all of this to try and make yourself better, she's just trying to protect herself. I don't blame her. It absolutely sucks being on the receiving end of all of that. Sometimes in order to actually be able to get on with your life absolutely no contact can be made with an ex. Yeah... there was a major loss of trust for us. She trusted me more than she has ever trusted anybody.. So I do understand her trying to protect herself and I honestly don't blame her either. Our attempt to recover wasn't easy. If you don't mind me asking, did your ex cheat again? Or did you walk away just because you couldn't forgive him due to the magnitude of pain? I feel like my ex really wanted to forgive me, and now I really want to be forgiven and we have taken steps along the way, but is it just not possible sometimes? It sucks.... I can see how much it has sucked for her and how it flipped her life upside down. Thinking about how amazing and good she was to me , then seeing how depressed it brought her down, and remembering all the details of how I hurt her has sent me spiraling down. I can't sleep, eat. I can't function at work. The guilt and shame from what I did and knowing I did it to myself hurts badly I feel like she still loves me, and she still cares about me, but she has removed me from her life because I remind her of that old pain. I'm preparing myself for the worst, because that is currently what I am living. She thought I was the best boyfriend she had ever had and I ended up being the worst... and it makes me feel like a horrible, worthless person. I am very sorry that you had to go through that pain also. I can see how real it is. I was married before my last relationship, and my ex-wife cheated on me before we got married. I shoved all the emotions and feelings down, and honestly never brought it up again after she told me from day 1. I had a really big emotional disconnect. Looking back, it should have affected me a lot more than what it did. I don't think I was ever really truly able to process emotions in a healthy way until all of this happened. I am really sorry for your pain.. I hope you find a relationship where that doesn't happen. It scares me to get into another relationship now. I trusted myself not to cheat before and just seeing all the **** I was able to do, lie about, and manipulate about...makes me trust other people less. I broke my own trust, I sabatoged my own happiness. I killed my own happiness and I was truly just a piece of crap. I hope God can help me forgive myself and truly become better. I don't want to experience or see anybody go through this pain I know I have now or what she experienced. Edited February 20, 2014 by changedlife
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