For people who never heard from exs after split

[VeronicaRoss]

Do you reach out to them too? If it's this important why not be the one to extend an olive branch? It's interesting you have successfully waited for them to almost all to come back. I've never heard of that before.

 

I am the one who disappears. It was only fairly recently I heard that hurt some of my old boyfriends and even their families, which mystified me. You have to let go in order to move on, it's been very effective.

 

I think a lot of people don't get in touch because they still harbor a lot of love or lust and it's just smart to stay away. Some people get in touch needing the thrill of playing with fire, seeing if there is a spark left to ignite for better or worse.

 

And of course for some it's truly indifference, they just don't think about you much or care enough to get in touch. And they may think it doesn't matter to you either.

 

I think its smart to stay away. Everyone can heal and move on faster.

 

I had an ex-boyfriend explain to me how another woman he dated for only a month has been a secret love obsession ever since, and he's been married for 25 years! They even socialize together with their unsuspecting spouses. I don't think the spouses understand they dated in the past and aren't 'just friends'. He said when he was courting his wife he was hoping this other woman would insert herself and say "No, take me instead." But that didn't happen, she was with someone else. "You", he said, "were ancient history by then." This was his way of explaining why he wasn't hoping I'd crash the party, it was clear I wasn't hanging on. And that's the point.

[Musing]

Life experience and understanding the relationships are transitory. Being married really helped.

 

 

I would say the first two, when very young, mainly because they didn't reveal their true relationship status for some time, one being engaged and the other married, did cause me to harbor negative feelings and resentment; over time I came to better understand how people can be so refocused on myself and what was healthy for me. Later iterations, and most of my breakups have been 'over and done', didn't really affect me that much. I think the clearest lessons came from a couple of iterations where I ended the association myself and how I felt; I could then associate similar feelings to the women who ended things with me. It made sense why they would zero me out. It was OK. Life goes on.

 

Thank you for the wisdom, carhill. I am finding that focusing inwards is a common theme in this thread and definitely something that is helping me cope even with current negative thoughts.

I also like your writing style!

 

I really can understand how you feel. My ex has thrown the periodic breadcrumb my way and as utterly painful as that still is, I think I would feel even worse, in the big picture, if he had been silent all this time. For me, it validates that maybe at one time I did mean something to him and the relationship and time invested was not in vain. That I'm not a non-entity to him and maybe he thinks of me for a minute here or there. For whatever reason, that does give me some sense of satisfaction.

 

But I can tell you, when that periodic breadcrumb is tossed my way, I am a complete mess and it greatly sets back my healing.

 

So, be careful what you wish for.

 

At this time, I most likely would reel about what messages I may get and could read into them. But as you said, it's like a validation that I meant something and wasn't just keeping him warm for someone else.

 

Do you reach out to them too? If it's this important why not be the one to extend an olive branch? It's interesting you have successfully waited for them to almost all to come back. I've never heard of that before.

 

I am the one who disappears. It was only fairly recently I heard that hurt some of my old boyfriends and even their families, which mystified me. You have to let go in order to move on, it's been very effective.

 

I think a lot of people don't get in touch because they still harbor a lot of love or lust and it's just smart to stay away. Some people get in touch needing the thrill of playing with fire, seeing if there is a spark left to ignite for better or worse.

 

And of course for some it's truly indifference, they just don't think about you much or care enough to get in touch. And they may think it doesn't matter to you either.

 

I think its smart to stay away. Everyone can heal and move on faster.

 

I had an ex-boyfriend explain to me how another woman he dated for only a month has been a secret love obsession ever since, and he's been married for 25 years! They even socialize together with their unsuspecting spouses. I don't think the spouses understand they dated in the past and aren't 'just friends'. He said when he was courting his wife he was hoping this other woman would insert herself and say "No, take me instead." But that didn't happen, she was with someone else. "You", he said, "were ancient history by then." This was his way of explaining why he wasn't hoping I'd crash the party, it was clear I wasn't hanging on. And that's the point.

 

I wouldn't really say I successfully waited lol I just got over them quicker so when they came back around a month or two later I'd be over it and looked at them more platonicly. This one was a bit more long term than those, so I'm hit a little harder and taking longer to get over it. I'd reach out if it weren't for my pride or the fact that I do have feelings/emotions that cloud my judgement. I'd wonder what there is to say since not that much has changed since we last spoke, it'd probably be awkward for me.

Part of me wonders if he even liked me or he'd be upset if I talked to him. It's like my brain almost views him as an enemy, perhaps as a coping mechanism. I talked to his friend, not him, to get my things back even. I don't want to know what he is like when he's cold or annoyed by my presence..

So I wouldn't even bother.

And if I reached out to him I'd feel bad knowing I was dumped and had to extend effort and wonder if he'd ever have talked to me if I didn't do it first kind of deal.

[STM206]

For some reason I know I'll probably hear from him down the road. He was the type or guy who always stayed friends with his exes. I need a plan of action when that day comes... If I'm over him then I'll probably be able to say hi and rub whatever I can in his face, but if it's sooner than later... NC baby!

[pickflicker]

...not even a simple breadcrumb.

 

Coming up on nearly two months of not speaking to my ex.

I am not making this thread to get ideas to goad him into contacting me, or to say how much I know/hope he'll be back.

 

Truth told, all of my exs reached out and made amends. It's never even about dating really, but I suppose to make final "I'm not a weeping sack of facial fluids" goodbye. It's a peace offering I guess, and it is since both parties moved on and are in the right head-space to talk. Every time, I felt good after reconnecting with an ex for a brief moment to let bygones be bygones. I have 2 friends that I used to date, and some simply fell to the wayside, to be with other girls and keep the past where it belongs. Fair enough.

 

I don't think this ex is going to ever speak to me again. He seemed so indifferent that I think he simply does not care about me as a person enough to reach out and extend the olive branch, so to speak. Which hurts. I think at this point, it more/less hurts the ego. Why me? Was I that terrible?

 

I know whatmost of the responses will say: You're the only one that can provide closure, you don't need him in your life, etc. I get all of those, I'm not weeping over it. But I suppose it is a bit unsettling to know someone just can cut off contact like that and that's it. There is a first for everything I guess.

 

My main issue is this, though: For those who never spoke to an ex, what helps/helped you deal with the fact someone who shared an important part of your life just split and went silent?

Did you harbor any resentment or negative feelings after several months of NC, and did it eventually fade away?

 

I'm just pretty much looking to relate to others. Wears the ego out when I see others' exs reaching out and I apparently was eradicated from my ex's life.

Learning experience aside (because those are always good), I feel like I wasted over a year of my life and was taken for granted. Still trying to get over these feelings though.

 

I don't envy people who get breadcrumbs. Silence is golden.

[broken11]

I'm sorry to hear that ur going through this as well. my ex broke up with me on the phone and that day was also the day that my aunt passed away it sucks and i don't think he will ever contact me but i still think about him all the time and i feel like i need to hear from him but i know that won't happen and that i won't contact him because i have so much pride. i feel hurting to know 3 years are gone just like that and he never tried to contact me. but i guess things do get better in time and now I'm finally smiling and happy again and i don't look around to try and make sure his not there anymore.

 

so hang in there hun

[Saurren]

I'm not going to contact my ex when they don't have the grit to break up in person and just do it over text.

[BC1980]

I suffered from the opposite of complete silence. My ex would text me every few days or so in an attempt to start a conversation. He would ask me to meet up, and I would always take the bait. It's really humiliating when I look back on it. He probably just wanted to ease his way out of the relationship and use me as a backup in case he didn't find anyone else.

 

I was talking to a friend who said her ex blocked her from day 1 and immediately began dating someone else, was engaged in 6 months, and married a year later. She said the initial blow was probably worse, but it helped her move on quicker in the long run. Funny thing is, years later, she ran into her ex who was getting divorced, and she was happily married and pregnant with her second child.

[Never Again]

I was talking to a friend who said her ex blocked her from day 1 and immediately began dating someone else, was engaged in 6 months, and married a year later. She said the initial blow was probably worse, but it helped her move on quicker in the long run. Funny thing is, years later, she ran into her ex who was getting divorced, and she was happily married and pregnant with her second child.

 

I'd say those two things make sense, actually.

 

Those who "just know" or "just feel IT" and jump into marriage in under 2 years typically end up divorced.

 

It doesn't always happen, but it happens often.

 

The perils of making a commitment before the chemistry of the "honeymoon high" is over.

 

I'm glad your friend moved on and is happy now though!

[radiodarcy]

My ex did that and while it hurt, I moved on extremely quickly.

 

This was true for me as well. In the beginning, he did drop a few breadcrumbs. I made the mistake of eating them and not long after I broke NC.

 

As soon as I did that, he went right back to ignoring me off and on. And when he did contact me it was to brag about all the girls he was dating.

 

Needless to say, I went strict NC soon after that. That time around, it stuck

[freebird31]

my ex broke up with me....and after attempted to contact me about 4 different times over a 4 month scheme after our break up. and to be honest, it hurt a hell of a lot more every time I heard from him. I think thats very cowardly that someone can just break up with you and walk out of your life and just vanish without a peep. unless they give you a clear explanation, CLEAR explanation. but its also cowardly, IMO, to also break up with someonea and attempt to contact them. like, make up your mind dude.

so glad that part is over. my life has been healing FINALLY. for the last 5 months that i have not heard from him.

out of sight, out of mind.

def true.

[Musing]

Thanks for all of the replies you guys.

It is interesting reading other experiences and perspectives.

 

It seems that the majority of people would rather not hear form an ex.

 

I suppose in a way dumpees have their own Grass-is-Greener issue in regards to NC.

The ones who are in contact with they weren't so they could heal, the ones who are not in contact wish they were so they could get validation.

 

It's crazy

 

I go in an out lately. When I wrote this I was (and still am) in the mindset that I still want to hear from him sometime in the future. But I have those moments where I realize he left and it's his loss and that not communicating is like wrapping myself in a warm fuzzy protective blanket.

[singme2sleep]

I'm still waiting for my ex to text or call and apologize but he's such a shameless a*s that I know he won't cause I'm sure he thinks he did nothing wrong. That, or he has no balls to contact me...

 

Same here, if I hadn't contacted him in the early stages of our breakup...I probably never would have heard from him again. And back then I wouldnt have believed he could just cut contact with me and not care at all because he proclaimed constantly that I was "the one" and all that other bull****. Makes you feel like you didn't matter to them at all. But I agree with others, it helps you to move on since their silence makes it clear they aren't coming back.

[singme2sleep]

Musing-

 

As much as a part of me would have (at the very least) appreciated a sincere apology, if he reached out I would wonder if it was just to release any lingering guilt he had for dumping me.

[tlegend]

Some days....I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wouldn't mind hearing her voice.

 

Other days...I force myself to care about everything else in my life more than her. See how interesting that pile of dogcrap is? No? You should look at it closer, I'll show you a picture of my ex.

 

 

 

 

Just trying to be honest.

[lakerman34]

Ultimately, I think it is wise to be OPEN to the fact that your ex may reach out to you (it would be highly short-sighted to say this is an impossibility). Hell, there may even be a chance of reconciliation. It COULD happen (sometimes, someone needs to let go, date a little bit and go wild to realize what they had and return as the most loyal lover in the world).

 

BUT don't hold out hope. That's, perhaps, the most painful thing you can do for yourself. We only have a limited time in this world. Live it to the fullest. Don't waste time on Susie who dumped you, expecting to hear back from her one day when Katie has been eying you for a while now and, little do you know, she has MUCH more to offer you than Susie. Keep waiting for Susie, then Katie will move on to someone else.

[hea]

I think its a situation that cant be won emotionally. If he didn't send me breadcrumbs id be so upset that I meant nothing. But he does, and now I constantly over think that it means something, when it doesn't. so either way you cant win.

 

 

hes probably not contacted you for the same reason many of us go NC. To get over it, and hes perhaps asking himself why you've not contacted him. Either way its for the best. At least your not plagued with the will we/wont we get back together. Which is just dead hope.

[Nyclovin]

After close to five years living together , my ex asked me to leave one late night at 2am. A few days later she had my stuff packed and said it would be best if we had no contact . Of course I tried to reason with her in the next few weeks. One day , she made it clear that we she would not be responding to my outreach any longer. That was close to 10 months ago now. 5 years, same home, best friends, in love. Haven't said a word to me , no text , no emails , no letter goodbye.... Just gone ....

[Musing]

Ultimately, I think it is wise to be OPEN to the fact that your ex may reach out to you (it would be highly short-sighted to say this is an impossibility). Hell, there may even be a chance of reconciliation. It COULD happen (sometimes, someone needs to let go, date a little bit and go wild to realize what they had and return as the most loyal lover in the world).

 

BUT don't hold out hope. That's, perhaps, the most painful thing you can do for yourself. We only have a limited time in this world. Live it to the fullest. Don't waste time on Susie who dumped you, expecting to hear back from her one day when Katie has been eying you for a while now and, little do you know, she has MUCH more to offer you than Susie. Keep waiting for Susie, then Katie will move on to someone else.

 

This is my line of thinking. I try not to see the situation in such black and white terms. I'm open to ideas but trying not to hope on anything and move on.

 

I think its a situation that cant be won emotionally. If he didn't send me breadcrumbs id be so upset that I meant nothing. But he does, and now I constantly over think that it means something, when it doesn't. so either way you cant win.

 

 

hes probably not contacted you for the same reason many of us go NC. To get over it, and hes perhaps asking himself why you've not contacted him. Either way its for the best. At least your not plagued with the will we/wont we get back together. Which is just dead hope.

 

We actually took a "break" in the summer (for the same issue, he was confused as to what he wanted) I reached him after a few weeks wanting to know the situation. He said his friends/relatives told him not to contact me at least until school so he could cool off and he actually wanted to talk to me and surprise me. But now I feel like, even though that's a big possibility [that he'd miss me] that he's probably not even affected by it. At least it seems that way from my perspective.

 

After close to five years living together , my ex asked me to leave one late night at 2am. A few days later she had my stuff packed and said it would be best if we had no contact . Of course I tried to reason with her in the next few weeks. One day , she made it clear that we she would not be responding to my outreach any longer. That was close to 10 months ago now. 5 years, same home, best friends, in love. Haven't said a word to me , no text , no emails , no letter goodbye.... Just gone ....

 

Nyc-

That is brutal perhaps it was such a difficult step for her to take and she is trying to figure out how to live life without you in it. 5 years is impossible to just forget.

[Nicki73562]

I think by just knowing my ex that I won't hear from him again. It ended badly and it sucks but this is why I am upset because I wish I had more closure on a good note. I never know what we would have said if it ended better but it didn't. It is difficult.

[Never Again]

I think by just knowing my ex that I won't hear from him again. It ended badly and it sucks but this is why I am upset because I wish I had more closure on a good note. I never know what we would have said if it ended better but it didn't. It is difficult.

 

Closing on a good note makes it worse, not better.

 

That's the differences between death and breakups I guess. You grieve them both, but when someone dies, you want to know things ended positively because you'll never see that person again.

 

When a relationship ends, you want positive closure for your own dignity and because that person still exists, even if they're not in your life. If they think well enough of you, maybe they'll come back...or something. But, even if you end on a positive note, lay your heart on the line without begging/pleading, or are completely amicable...it still hurts.

 

Knowing that you were awesome and the other person rejected you makes it much harder to bear. I'd rather fight with someone and go straight into the anger stage.

[Musing]

Closing on a good note makes it worse, not better.

 

That's the differences between death and breakups I guess. You grieve them both, but when someone dies, you want to know things ended positively because you'll never see that person again.

 

When a relationship ends, you want positive closure for your own dignity and because that person still exists, even if they're not in your life. If they think well enough of you, maybe they'll come back...or something. But, even if you end on a positive note, lay your heart on the line without begging/pleading, or are completely amicable...it still hurts.

 

Knowing that you were awesome and the other person rejected you makes it much harder to bear. I'd rather fight with someone and go straight into the anger stage.

 

My ex brought this up when he broke up with me.

I didn't beg or plead with him, I told him I knew it was coming. On certain grounds I guess you could almost say it was mutual, but he definitely wanted more to leave and initiated it. I just accepted it right away and after about an hour of crying, hugging and talking, that was it. He drove away and I haven't spoke to him since.

Anyway, he said "I should have just been a jerk and did it over text, you could hate me and it would be easier for you"

 

But I'm glad it happened as it did. Although part of me agrees that bad breakups make it easier for the dumpee to say "I'm glad I'm out of that" and makes the healing process a little easier in that regard. Breaking up on good terms almost in some ways leaves you (unintentionally) hanging.

 

No matter how you breakup it's never good because whether it was done kindly, badly, in person, over the phone or through text, that person still broke up with you.

[Never Again]

My ex brought this up when he broke up with me.

I didn't beg or plead with him, I told him I knew it was coming. On certain grounds I guess you could almost say it was mutual, but he definitely wanted more to leave and initiated it. I just accepted it right away and after about an hour of crying, hugging and talking, that was it. He drove away and I haven't spoke to him since.

Anyway, he said "I should have just been a jerk and did it over text, you could hate me and it would be easier for you"

 

But I'm glad it happened as it did. Although part of me agrees that bad breakups make it easier for the dumpee to say "I'm glad I'm out of that" and makes the healing process a little easier in that regard. Breaking up on good terms almost in some ways leaves you (unintentionally) hanging.

 

No matter how you breakup it's never good because whether it was done kindly, badly, in person, over the phone or through text, that person still broke up with you.

 

I feel for you, and I agree.

 

During the breakup proper, I held myself together and just accepted it. During the second-breakup talk...not so much. Four hours of both of us crying, going over what went wrong (all due to the depression I didn't realize I was in). I was the dumpee, but even she said that leaving me would've been so much easier if I'd been angry or acted like a jerk, instead of just being sad and sweet to her.

 

I've had relationships where the girl because a total bitch towards the end, and ultimately didn't care when the relationship ended. It still left a bit of a void, but I felt the "dumper's relief", I guess you'd call it.

[singme2sleep]

I think by just knowing my ex that I won't hear from him again. It ended badly and it sucks but this is why I am upset because I wish I had more closure on a good note. I never know what we would have said if it ended better but it didn't. It is difficult.

 

I can def relate to that. Our last words to each other were me basically telling him off. That anger helped kill hope of us getting back together but it eventually faded. I won't continue holding a grudge toward him forever, but idk if I could ever forgive the way he hurt me. I do wish we had parted on neutral terms but he chose to act like a heartless jerk so it is what it is.