Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 ...not even a simple breadcrumb. Coming up on nearly two months of not speaking to my ex. I am not making this thread to get ideas to goad him into contacting me, or to say how much I know/hope he'll be back. Truth told, all of my exs reached out and made amends. It's never even about dating really, but I suppose to make final "I'm not a weeping sack of facial fluids" goodbye. It's a peace offering I guess, and it is since both parties moved on and are in the right head-space to talk. Every time, I felt good after reconnecting with an ex for a brief moment to let bygones be bygones. I have 2 friends that I used to date, and some simply fell to the wayside, to be with other girls and keep the past where it belongs. Fair enough. I don't think this ex is going to ever speak to me again. He seemed so indifferent that I think he simply does not care about me as a person enough to reach out and extend the olive branch, so to speak. Which hurts. I think at this point, it more/less hurts the ego. Why me? Was I that terrible? I know whatmost of the responses will say: You're the only one that can provide closure, you don't need him in your life, etc. I get all of those, I'm not weeping over it. But I suppose it is a bit unsettling to know someone just can cut off contact like that and that's it. There is a first for everything I guess. My main issue is this, though: For those who never spoke to an ex, what helps/helped you deal with the fact someone who shared an important part of your life just split and went silent? Did you harbor any resentment or negative feelings after several months of NC, and did it eventually fade away? I'm just pretty much looking to relate to others. Wears the ego out when I see others' exs reaching out and I apparently was eradicated from my ex's life. Learning experience aside (because those are always good), I feel like I wasted over a year of my life and was taken for granted. Still trying to get over these feelings though. 1
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm at 9 or 10 months and heard absolutely nothing from the ex, zero, nada. And I diligently reciprocate. It's much better this way. 3
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I'm at 9 or 10 months and heard absolutely nothing from the ex, zero, nada. And I diligently reciprocate. It's much better this way. I hear you JDPT. I am not reaching out to someone who actively removed me from their life. I have too much pride and don't want to deal with setbacks, I want to move on. But I suppose it is this part that is making it difficult for me and is still on my mind, even above reconciliation. He had online RSs and I was the first actual relationship he was in. But he kept contact with the online ones (even one I disapproved of while we were dating) He could talk to them and disrespect me, but he won't speak to me. It's making me awfully bitter, and I want these thoughts out of my mind. They feel poisonous and distract me from everything else. 1
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It's much better for you that he doesn't. My ex wanted to make everything "okay" (ie, settle her own guilt), and it hurt worse than the actual breakup. He cut you out of his life to move on. It seems absolutely crazy when I write it, but having done it, I know. There's that awful attachment, those doubts and minor twinges of confusion that come up if you're the dumper and you left someone who treated you well and genuinely would've tried to work through problems. Instead of putting himself in a position where he'd consider you romantically again, he took off completely. Out of sight, out of mind, and all that. 1
Gemini x Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I know exactly how you're feeling and I wish I had an answer. I'm civil with all of my exs but I don't think this one is ever going to reach out. He just up and left me and hasn't looked back. We were together over 3 years. We're in our early-mid 30s, talked about marriage/children. It makes me feel like he never loved nor cared about me to just walk away. I'm having an *extremely* hard time with this, myself. I wish I had some advice but I don't. I cry over this very reason numerous times. He had also reached indifference at the end that came across as if he just didn't care about me any longer. It hurts so much to think he just saw me as "another girl" and goes on as if I never existed. I don't know what I did so wrong to make him want to turn away and never reach out. I get so sad when I see someone on here post that they got a breadcrumb. I wish to God that it was me.
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 It's much better for you that he doesn't. My ex wanted to make everything "okay" (ie, settle her own guilt), and it hurt worse than the actual breakup. He cut you out of his life to move on. It seems absolutely crazy when I write it, but having done it, I know. There's that awful attachment, those doubts and minor twinges of confusion that come up if you're the dumper and you left someone who treated you well and genuinely would've tried to work through problems. Instead of putting himself in a position where he'd consider you romantically again, he took off completely. Out of sight, out of mind, and all that. I completely understand where you're coming from, I did it myself once. I broke up with someone good for me to explore life a bit (I was a teenager) The difference with that, though, is that my dumpee kept messaging me on social networking sites and I felt obligated to respond, so at the time I wanted him out of my life even more than when we broke up. Never broke up a LTR and immediately fell silent to someone though, so I only know half the feeling. I never got to "miss" anyone. By the time I wanted to tie up loose ends it was 7 years later, because of the words exchanged when the BU was still fresh. The thing is, I don't even want to enter the RS anymore. It was such a headache and I'm spent. Maybe it is all validation issues, to know the things I did were not in vain and that I'm not some annoying person he just wanted to rid from his life. Ouch.
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 It makes me feel like he never loved nor cared about me to just walk away. Hey Gem, I pretty much feel this way. That I was never actually cared about.. The problem isn't even that I want him back but it is making me question the validity of the relationship as a whole and making me understand why most scorned people are hesitant to date again. For what it is worth, if I could perhaps help you out, is that the crying does stop. Eventually you get numb to it. Right now I go in and out of anger but I feel I have no reason to cry anymore. This is more a projection of my self and not really him wanting me back but what is so wrong with me that I feel so forgotten about. A lot of the issues I had in the beginning of my breakup healing process are starting to turn inwards, making me worry less about what he is doing and more about my own emotional state and what I can do to "fix" it. This is just one hurdle that I struggle with 1
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can understand your frustration. My ex literally disappeared on me, she didn't even have the decency to look at me in the face to tell me we were through. It did take me a little while to internalize for my sake that it was best this way, there was nothing further to discuss. And that's when pride kicked in. I happy to know nothing of course, after all she is a big girl and can take care of herself. I'm off duty. 2
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I haven't heard a peep since September 6th and apparently I'm not going to hear anything ever again, despite his own promises to the contrary. It actually is better that way though. Less risk of you getting hurt, raised hopes, etc. What helped? Finally putting my self and my own feelings first. That was so hard for me, because that last night he was in so much pain and had such difficulty letting me go that I felt guilty. I felt his pain and was so concerned for him and his situation. I had to drop it all though and realize that with my focus on him, there wasn't anybody focusing primarily on my needs. I had to do that. During that time period I took a lot of bubble baths, did a lot of self-care, and tried to do all kinds of nice things for myself to make myself feel good (in a healthy manner). I would recommend finding those sorts of things that work for yourself. Do the things you enjoy as much as possible, even if right now you don't enjoy them. You will begin to little by little, and the sense of victory you get when you have enjoyed yourself for a long time without your ex is absolutely fantastic. I highly recommend it! 3
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I can understand your frustration. My ex literally disappeared on me, she didn't even have the decency to look at me in the face to tell me we were through. It did take me a little while to internalize for my sake that it was best this way, there was nothing further to discuss. And that's when pride kicked in. I happy to know nothing of course, after all she is a big girl and can take care of herself. I'm off duty. This is basically what keeps me going. And also not knowing what is going on so I avoid rumination. But really, I have a lot to say to him but what difference would it make? So I don't see a point in talking about anything. Part of me wishes I could say a lot to him but it wouldn't change anything. I guess I want him to be the one to reach out so I could tell him how I feel and get my validation all in one. But the idea of me reaching out to someone who doesn't care either way if I get hit by a bus tomorrow wouldn't care about my feelings much makes me squirm. It'd be pointless. And the last sentence made me smile a bit for some reason 1
lakerman34 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 My ex dumped me on October 6, 2012. Last time we spoke? October 6, 2012. Not a peep. And I don't care. She's ancient history. 1
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I haven't heard a peep since September 6th and apparently I'm not going to hear anything ever again, despite his own promises to the contrary. It actually is better that way though. Less risk of you getting hurt, raised hopes, etc. What helped? Finally putting my self and my own feelings first. That was so hard for me, because that last night he was in so much pain and had such difficulty letting me go that I felt guilty. I felt his pain and was so concerned for him and his situation. I had to drop it all though and realize that with my focus on him, there wasn't anybody focusing primarily on my needs. I had to do that. During that time period I took a lot of bubble baths, did a lot of self-care, and tried to do all kinds of nice things for myself to make myself feel good (in a healthy manner). I would recommend finding those sorts of things that work for yourself. Do the things you enjoy as much as possible, even if right now you don't enjoy them. You will begin to little by little, and the sense of victory you get when you have enjoyed yourself for a long time without your ex is absolutely fantastic. I highly recommend it! Thanks Anya The difficulty with me is that the things I enjoy usually happen in the spring/ summertime, I get really hermit-y and depressed in the winter so I'm hit twice. Usually I go walking/jogging, to the beach, outdoor events etc. Getting out of my house and socializing so so difficult at the moment! But I am trying to put my focus on school. It is a struggle but I only have 3 months left and I owe it to myself. Unfortunately, school is my biggest trigger. So much frustration right now I feel like whenever I think of myself I get a little more confident. So I will try to let your advise sink in.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 My ex did that and while it hurt, I moved on extremely quickly. 2
AnyaNova Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can understand your frustration. My ex literally disappeared on me, she didn't even have the decency to look at me in the face to tell me we were through. It did take me a little while to internalize for my sake that it was best this way, there was nothing further to discuss. And that's when pride kicked in. I happy to know nothing of course, after all she is a big girl and can take care of herself. I'm off duty. That is really crappy. I have to admit to having procrastinated out of basic fear and shyness and being relatively new to being attractive enough that I haven't really done this before telling a couple of guys that I went out on a date with that it wasn't going to be happening again, but I would never do that to someone that I was in a relationship with! I'm sorry. I am so sorry. That must have left you wondering for so long.
Author Musing Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 My ex did that and while it hurt, I moved on extremely quickly. This is one thing I am happy about, that I don't have any setbacks in my way (at least externally) I'm still slowly letting go of hope I think, but considering it has been almost 2 months and I always run the risk of seeing him during the day, I think I've come a pretty long way. I thought I'd still be sobbing at this point.
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 This is basically what keeps me going. And also not knowing what is going on so I avoid rumination. But really, I have a lot to say to him but what difference would it make? So I don't see a point in talking about anything. Part of me wishes I could say a lot to him but it wouldn't change anything. I guess I want him to be the one to reach out so I could tell him how I feel and get my validation all in one. But the idea of me reaching out to someone who doesn't care either way if I get hit by a bus tomorrow wouldn't care about my feelings much makes me squirm. It'd be pointless. And the last sentence made me smile a bit for some reason I was once told, "you could be diagnosed with terminal cancer and that still wouldn't be a reason to contact her." That's when I finally understood how serious and imperative NC is to our healing journey. 4
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I completely understand where you're coming from, I did it myself once. I broke up with someone good for me to explore life a bit (I was a teenager) The difference with that, though, is that my dumpee kept messaging me on social networking sites and I felt obligated to respond, so at the time I wanted him out of my life even more than when we broke up. Never broke up a LTR and immediately fell silent to someone though, so I only know half the feeling. I never got to "miss" anyone. By the time I wanted to tie up loose ends it was 7 years later, because of the words exchanged when the BU was still fresh. The thing is, I don't even want to enter the RS anymore. It was such a headache and I'm spent. Maybe it is all validation issues, to know the things I did were not in vain and that I'm not some annoying person he just wanted to rid from his life. Ouch. I haven't broken up with anyone in a long time. My ex was 26 and had a string of really awful 1-year long relationships where she felt "in love" with guys that used and manipulated her. I was the first person that treated her like an equal and even put her first, if I felt the situation was appropriate. We had major chemistry when we began, but when my life got really hellish around the time the "honeymoon period" ended...well, I fell into a minor depression and she no longer felt the "romantic connection". She wanted to hold onto me as a "friend". She bawled her eyes out for days about the breakup, all confused and bewildered. She sent me breadcrumbs a few times during the first month, and THAT'S where my perspective comes from... ...I responded, and it HURT. I overanalyzed everything. I wanted her back, I wanted to know why I'd actually been dumped, blah blah blah. I never initiated contact, so at least I didn't drive her even further away...but I was weird and overeager when breadcrumbs came in. I didn't start healing until I really started NC. Then I had to see her and I "caught feelings" again, so I had to restart the whole process over haha. That last time I saw her, 4 months ago, she said we'd "talk soon" and said she owed me catch-up-lunch sometime. Haven't heard a peep since.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 When my ex wanted strict NC - I was really hurt at first. He also blocked me on all social networking sites. I had no idea what was going on with him. This kind of made me think of him less and less. It's funny that I ran into his brother and his friends last week, 2 years after break up. During the R, I got very close to his family and friends. It was really tough having all that taken away. His brother and 2 of his friends gave me a big hug and asked be to have coffee with them to catch up. I didn't ask them about my ex once. It sort of seemed that ex didn't talk too much s-t sbout me or else they wouldn't be that friendly. I think that he just blocked me and went NC so that he could move on easier.
Dazedandconfused_1 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm still waiting for my ex to text or call and apologize but he's such a shameless a*s that I know he won't cause I'm sure he thinks he did nothing wrong. That, or he has no balls to contact me... 1
Gemini x Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Why are you crying?? Seriously. You said you were interested in someone else when I came back on my hands and knees begging you to reconsider and cut me a break. Remember? I even dropped the question, and you just kept saying 'no no no'. I mean, I was even willing to accept the fact that you fell for him in less than a weeks time that we were broken up. And I tried and tried, and all you said was 'Don't push this, I'm moving on, I'm interested in someone else'. So, why are you crying? Oh, and by the way, I didn't 'dump' you, I simply took a step back because I wasn't sure we were going anywhere and if it would work out. I guess my decision wasn't so wrong. And, also, I'm sorry your rebound didn't work out. I really am, wish it had, cause now you can't even look at me and always look away, which is sad. I didn't want that for you; you're better than that. What I don't get is why you breadcrumbed me a day after my birthday, thumbing your nose telling that you hoped things were as good as they could be for me. Gee, uhh, thanks I guess. I guess that's why I'm here understanding that there's nothing left to be said, or do.... But that's only my story. Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired, but I have no idea what the HELL you're talking about.
WantanS4 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired, but I have no idea what the HELL you're talking about. In a round about way, I told my story and gave a response to yours.
Gemini x Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 In a round about way, I told my story and gave a response to yours. lmao.. that's what I was thinking but wasn't sure. It was kind of "in your face".
carhill Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 For those who never spoke to an ex, what helps/helped you deal with the fact someone who shared an important part of your life just split and went silent? Life experience and understanding the relationships are transitory. Being married really helped. Did you harbor any resentment or negative feelings after several months of NC, and did it eventually fade away? I would say the first two, when very young, mainly because they didn't reveal their true relationship status for some time, one being engaged and the other married, did cause me to harbor negative feelings and resentment; over time I came to better understand how people can be so refocused on myself and what was healthy for me. Later iterations, and most of my breakups have been 'over and done', didn't really affect me that much. I think the clearest lessons came from a couple of iterations where I ended the association myself and how I felt; I could then associate similar feelings to the women who ended things with me. It made sense why they would zero me out. It was OK. Life goes on.
Allumere Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have been fortunate that I have had contact with my exes (minus ex-husband...and I am happy to never hear from him). But in that time of limited contacted and not knowing WTH happened one thing that helped me is I had conversations with them, outloud, all the time. From emotional messes to strong and pointed...of course people in the car next to me thought I was nuts but it was a good release to vocalize everything even if they weren't physically there..
LadyM Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I really can understand how you feel. My ex has thrown the periodic breadcrumb my way and as utterly painful as that still is, I think I would feel even worse, in the big picture, if he had been silent all this time. For me, it validates that maybe at one time I did mean something to him and the relationship and time invested was not in vain. That I'm not a non-entity to him and maybe he thinks of me for a minute here or there. For whatever reason, that does give me some sense of satisfaction. But I can tell you, when that periodic breadcrumb is tossed my way, I am a complete mess and it greatly sets back my healing. So, be careful what you wish for.
Recommended Posts