awkwardturtle Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Sorry for the length of this post. I tried to make it as short as possible without leaving out anything important. I've been "talking" to this guy for a few weeks. It started when he kissed me. I've known him for a while. He's a truly good guy and not a "player" type at all. We both wanted to do more than kiss but it wasn't a good time or place. He got my number and started texting me often. I didn't expect us to become anything more than FWB's. It would be pretty impractical for us to date for reasons I won't go into here. But as we were texting I started to really like him and thought maybe he liked me too. We've done some "sexting" but he has made a lot of nonsexual conversation too and has almost always texted me first. (We haven't gotten to see each other since we kissed.) Until now the longest we went without talking was two days. He was the last to text before that and was the first to text and break the silence afterwards. When he texted I told him I had just been thinking about him and his response was, "Yeah sure you were, pretty sure I texted you :-P LOL". (This was two days before Valentine's Day.) So since he acted bothered that I didn't text for a couple days, I took this to mean that maybe he likes me. The next day I texted him first. He responded and we kept texting, but I noticed sometimes he took much longer to respond than usual and seemed a bit less enthusiastic than before until we started sexting later that night. The next day, Valentine's Day, I waited all day to hear from him but didn't until 10:30 PM. He sent "Happy Valentine's Day gorgeous". I thanked him and he said "Sorry if that was kinda late". We texted a few more times that night but he didn't respond after I said goodnight. Not a big deal but he apologized the next morning without an explanation - just said "sorry I never texted you back last night". It just made me feel weird that he'd apologize but not explain why, almost like he was ignoring me and felt bad about it. We had plans to see each other that night but I had to cancel on him for a reason I couldn't help. I had definitely already let him know that I was excited about seeing him so I'm sure he doesn't think I was lying or anything. We texted a couple more times after I cancelled on him. My last text to him that day was 11 lines long. He responded over 3 hrs later with 2 sentences, no emoticons and he used periods to punctuate; those last two things are not typical for him. So...I never responded after that. I just felt like I was annoying him judging from that last text. And not to mention he waited so late to contact me on V-Day, so he couldn't be that into me...right? Four days later I still haven't heard from him. And now part of me feels kind of rude for not replying because he's never NOT texted me back even though he might have taken a long time. He's on the shy side and almost seems like he has trouble believing a girl likes him - maybe he thinks I'm the one who doesn't want to talk to him now? Should I try texting him again? Do you think there's a chance he's into me or was I right in assuming he's not? Thank you so much for any input.
OhThatGirl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 To be fair this isn't about the words at all. It's still about non-verbal communication. Length of time for a reply, the enthusiasm of the reply (punctuation and emoticons) and who texts who first and how involved someone is in a conversation. It's still more than just "words" it's just a new way of analyzing communication. Doesn't mean it's better or worse than direct face to face or telephone conversation. You still have plenty of details to analyze and I think they're fairly legitimate. Likewise if the bulk of the communication is done through texting then waiting to have a conversation in person (which seems to be rare in this situation) isn't necessarily called for. To be honest OP I think you've already figured it out. He doesn't seem to be as "into" conversation with you. He's a bit withdrawn. He's a bit short. He's not as enthusiastic. You seem to know his pattern. If there is a change (seems like there is) I think you have 2 options: call him on it and address it or just back off and let him decide if he wants to initiate any/more contact. This isn't an accident. Something had changed. It could be that he is stressed, having a hard time with something, or that he has someone else. If you really like him and are feeling hurt you can ask him about it. A simple "hey I haven't heard much from you.. everything ok?" may be in order. Based on what you've said it feels as though he has pulled away and is moving in another direction. Sorry. 1
OhThatGirl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I take it back. "Is everything ok?" Isn't a good way to ask. Maybe "hey I haven't heard much from you... What gives?" I wouldn't leave it with a yes/no question. I'd nudge him to explain. If he doesn't apologize and attribute it to something that would honestly take his attention away I'd say cut your losses. Otherwise you might get "Everything is good." Which isn't very helpful! 1
farva2 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If i go cold on someone via text it's usually for a pretty good reason. You might have said something that you thought was insignificant but really upset him or maybe he heard something about you from a friend etc. I agree with Thatgirl, shoot him a text asking what's up because maybe he was hoping you'd ask to see if you cared enough to or you could just get the dude face to face talk to him. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 What Skuds said. How old are you, 15? What's with the stupid texting and worrying about who texts who and how long they take to respond etc? Stop the stupid games. Just pick up the phone, say hey want to meet up on friday 8pm at Dave's restaurant. It's not that hard. 1
BDL Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Sorry for the length of this post. I tried to make it as short as possible without leaving out anything important. ... I didn't expect us to become anything more than FWB's. It would be pretty impractical for us to date for reasons I won't go into here. Ugh, you're being inconsistent. I think you left out the most important part of your story! Unless you wish to remain texting buddies (and pretty awful at that), you two better plan a face to face date as soon as possible. All this "analyzing" is really making my head hurt. Texting and calling should only be used for setting up dates. Don't use them for getting to the know the other person, or to keep yourself from being bored.
Jethro Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 What Skuds said. How old are you, 15? How old are you- 80? Because let me tell you something, like it or not texting and digital communication, social media etc.- it's how it's done now. I don't like it either, but I am 42 years old and recently re-entered the dating world, and it's just a fact of life these days. It sucks, to the high heavens, but if I didn't play the game with the texts I would never get another date in my life. Hello 2014. To the OP, regardless of my defense of texting in dating, I do suggest that at some point you do need to call and ask this guy out on a date. Texting should be for little things like "hope you had a great day!" If you want to reschedule a date (and it seems like that ball is in your court since YOU are the one that cancelled) then call him and ask him out. You will find out then and there if he's into you.
OhThatGirl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Man, l have to disagree. I'm not arguing that words can never be analyzed for something, but when it's a "budding romance" I just think it's a massive mistake. There's a reason comedians make entires bits over the subject; girl texts guy "ok", he thinks all is well and they're going to hang out later. Guy texts girl "ok", why is it so short? Is he angry? Why? He was responding with at least 130 characters before, did I say something? Should I text him again to see if I can fix this? Should I apologize? If he wasn't angry he would have put a smiley face like usual. Why should I have to apolgize, I didn't do anything wrong. Screw him I'm not texting him until he texts me." If you attempt to say that sort of crap doesn't happen ALL THE TIME then again, I think you're wrong. Look at how often that behavior is encouraged on this forum anyway. Entire potential relationships have risen and fallen before they could even be explored because of over analyzing text messages. So here's the dig. IF she thinks this guy has lost interest because of something text-driven, why would the answer be to continue talking via text to pan things out? Its literally only inviting more trouble, and will stress OP out more. Does she think he still might like her? Ask that guy to meet you and have lunch. Make it a pseudo date. You know how stoked that dude would be for the girl he likes to ask him on a pseudo date? I'll tell you, much more than he'd be if he got some slightly reprimanding line like "I haven't heard from you, what gives?" Long story short, I think unless you say "what's up?" and they respond "I hate you, go eat bees", you can't know anything for sure. What you don't seem to be acknowledging is (most interested) women do this about ALL forms of communication, not just texts. If we were face to face with someone and said "hey I found this really secluded restaurant near the water that would be great for dinner some night" and a guy says "ok" we start to wonder "ok? No, 'ok that sounds great?' Or 'ok let's go next week?' Or 'I can't wait to try that place with you?'" That has NOTHING to do with texts. We would do the same in person, by phone, or via text/email/smoke signals/morse code. It's just what we do when we like someone and are trying to gauge their interest. NOW- don't get all "he's a guy and he may just be lazy at texting" because it's obvious the guy is not lazy at texting and this is a CHANGE from his baseline communication. Not only that but he's not CONTACTING HER AT ALL when he had previously been doing so daily! Your evidence (girl vs guy interpretation of text) has nothing to do with text as a form of communication and everything to do with the way different genders analyze communication. That being said, it also does a poor job of relating to the OPs post. He didn't text her "ok".. He has been hesitant to respond to her, cut back on the enthusiasm of what/how he was communicating, and hasn't contacted her. Whether being cold in person, short on the phone, not responding to email, not stopping by her house, etc the fact is his behavior has changed and it is JUST as valid when it's texting. Welcome to 2014.
OhThatGirl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 What Skuds said. How old are you, 15? What's with the stupid texting and worrying about who texts who and how long they take to respond etc? Stop the stupid games. Just pick up the phone, say hey want to meet up on friday 8pm at Dave's restaurant. It's not that hard. Replace "text" with "call".... Does that make a difference? If the guy was calling her daily, chatting enthusiastically for long times and then stopped calling, cut her short, only had a few words to say before hanging up... Would you then tell her to ESCALATE her attempts at contact by showing up at his house to ask him out? No. You wouldn't. That's crazy. His behavior (yes, even texting is a behavior) has changed and you wouldn't encourage her to dig in a little deeper to ask him out when clearly he's backing off. Seriously. She should ask him what's up, if she doesn't like his answer she should move on. When he starts backing away via text you don't then CALL HIM TO ASK HIM OUT... That's just ignoring his cues that something is wrong. If he really likes this girl he's going to recognize that he has cooled way off, apologize, tell her why, and reassure her. If she texts (as this is their primary communication thus far!) and he blows it off then he's obviously not interested. I just can't believe this advice. "He can't be bothered to text you... YOU BETTER CALL HIM" uhhhh.... No. 1
OhThatGirl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Goodness. I was going to respond with a rebuttal, but then I decided to analyze your text (eh? eh?) and found that you seem to be more worked up about this than I intended, what with all the caps and phrasing and stuffs. Ah well. I think I'm right, you think you're right, together we give OP a nice, varied opinion. Yaaaay! Any updates OP? To be honest I'm on my phone and just too lazy to use italics so I used capital letters instead. Lmao You're right though. Varied recommendations. But I do happen to think mine is the best... Seriously OP. Don't leave us hanging. What happened?
PegNosePete Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I just can't believe this advice. "He can't be bothered to text you... YOU BETTER CALL HIM" uhhhh.... No. Well, I can't believe the advice "he seems to be losing interest... better have a go at him, that will make him like you more". No. If someone sent me a text like that, she would most likely not get a reply, whether I liked her or not. No. A call to ask him if he wants another date or not, will get her the answer she wants in 30 seconds or less. If he's interested he'll say yes. If not he'll say no. If he says yes but she can tell by his voice that he's non-committal or not really excited about it, then she can bail. This is why a call is better than a text. You don't get tone of voice in a text. A 2 minute phone call would sort all of this out in the quickest and most efficient manner. Who cares about escalation and all that other BS? It's the best way to resolve the situation and gauge interest.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I'm reading all this back and forth about what she should do but I just can't get past one simple fact: this relationship has happened almost *entirely* by text... 2014 or not, that's such a shallow connection that - sorry OP - it hardly seems worth analyzing. Without physical contact and shared experiences the "relationship" is almost entirely a fantasy with this tenuous connection to reality spelled out in tiny letters on tiny screens. if you want to find out what's going on, if you want to know if he's into you....call. him. If a real life intereaction with this guy seems to be too awkward or strange, then I'd say this thing is doomed to fail and it probably should. Sorry if that sounds harsh. 1
Author awkwardturtle Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Thanks to everyone for the advice. As for an update, nothing has changed - this is day 6 and I still haven't heard a word. I have tried to talk myself into contacting him but I'm just paralyzed by the fact that I honestly feel so stupid doing it. I'm starting to think I had the wrong idea all along and he was never interested in me as anything beyond FWB.
Author awkwardturtle Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 For anyone still interested in updates, I found out last night he's seeing someone else. Not sure when it started. So yeah, I feel like a total idiot for ever thinking he was into me
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