collegeguy_24 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Well, today my ex texted me all pissed off about the past two days of arguing, which was my fault. We both got a little closure though. She admits she has no idea what she is doing. She has told me that she really did love me, and that breaking up with me was the hardest thing she has ever done in her life. She told me she just wasn't ready, and that making so many promises only to break them killed her inside. We reached a peaceful conclusion, and we have decided to go NC, both of us. I am crying so hard right now. I am a 28 year old man who is crying! I feel pathetic. We said our final goodbyes, and she said she cannot promise that we will ever be in contact again. She said its possible, but right now we need to live own lives no matter how messy they are. I finally found the perfect woman and my happiness is ripped away. Why am I never allowed to be happy? I haven't felt this bad in years. I am at the place right now where I want to die. I can never find happiness, its always ripped away from me. THe most perfect woman, the jewel of my life is gone. Everytime I think I find happiness its always ripped away, and now that I found true Nirvana, prefect happiness its also ripped away. I can't take this anymore, why should I keep living if all I am ever going to know is misery?
johnww92 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I know it sucks dude same exactly same thing happened to me recently and I have been depressed like hell. Even tho I know its over, every day I'm still half hoping she will txt me and tell me she made a mistake but I know that won't happen. Best thing is to try move on I know its hard but its the only option Best advice I can give is be around your friends more it will make you feel better then staying at home crying. Everytime I'm at home I can't stop thinking about her but once I'm around company of friends I feel a bit better and put my mind of her for a while. You will be happy again bro.
JDPT Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm a 32 year old grown ass man and I cried my eyes out, what's wrong with that? Le it all out dude, you need to cleanse yourself. I'm happy to hear that you will commit to NC from this point forward. Internalize the fact that it's for your own good and don't worry about her, she is a big girl and can take care of herself. Push forward and improve yourself, you will come out of this a new and improved you but keep in mind that it's all up to YOU, no one is going to do this for you, no one. We are all here for support but ultimately YOU are the one that has to do all the work.
Author collegeguy_24 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) Today was the first full day of NC with her since our argument that ended things horribly. In order for people to understand my mindset and our relationship, I am going to post about our relationship here from start to finish. First off, she was 19 when we met and she turned 20 this month. I was 27 and turned 28 in October. It was also a Long Distance Relationship. We first met because her sister is a friend of mine, or former friend in this case. After work her sister invited me over for dinner and I said yes and I brought a Fosters Beer with me. I first met her sister there, she is super hot, like the perfect body. I was attracted yes, but also starving after working 13 hours, so I was more attracted to the food at the time Well as we ate I was introduced to her sister, name is Rebekah, last name will be kept off here so google won't find her. As we talked I learned that Rebekah, Bekki for short, was actually very intelligent and sociable. We got along instantly. As the evening wore on we learned that we also had similar interests, like all of them. We like the same shows, movies, books, activities, and so on. We just clicked really well. After the evening I went home and it was a couple weeks when she friend-ed me on Facebook. I accepted it. Her sister was at my house and told me that Bekki likes me, and I spent the evening flirting with Bekki on her Facebook in front of her sister who thought it was cute. A few days went by and we exchanged phone numbers and started texting. Eventually I told her I am dead set on making her my girlfriend, and she said yes instantly. I was so happy, we just clicked instantly and we got along very well. Because it was long distance, and we both had Iphones/Ipads, we talked through that and texting as well. Over all, all of her texts equal up over 1,100 pages on Microsoft word when converted. As time went on she came to trust me and told me things no one ever knew, or few people did. She was also very shy in a sexual sense. Reason for that was because she was a very christian person for most of her teenage years, and yet she found herself distanced from them because of differing goals. She wanted to go to collage and get an education, she wants a career and to someday get married and have kids, but she wants education first. Well the religious people in her life already chose a man for her and expected her to marry him and pop out babies, no education and no career. She said hell no! Because of that christian upbringing, when it came to the subject of sex she was shy, even though it was long distance. She was also a virgin, kinda. She technically lost her virginity when she got drunk at a party, and a friend of her friends forced himself on her, taking her virginity without permission. In other words, rape. But she never once had consensual sex, or anything related to it. She was a tease, but never took it further. I tried not to push her to hard, but eventually we would trade pictures, first of us in our underwear, then naked pictures, then eventually by the end we were using Facetime to have phone sex, talking about what we want to do to each other while we masturbated with good angles. As you can see, over time I brought her out of her shell, made her less shy. I always made sure she was willing, because I really cared for her and I didn't want to rush her and make her regret anything. She valued sex greatly, she wanted me to make her first time special, and asked me to plan a nice romantic evening, like she always dreamed. I did by the way. She even asked about my sexual past, and I told her to ease her fears. I told her I had 2 FWBS. She didn't like that. She hated the idea of FWBs, to her sex was meant for relationships. She didn't believe in waiting till marriage, but she still believed it belonged in serious relationships. A few times in our relationship she would bring it up, saying she still didn't like it. But that we all make mistakes and thats OK, because she loves me. Eventually, we were so connected to each other, we said I love you's. But here's the kicker, she said it first. Over the course of our relationship, she said I love you first, she said she wanted to marry me, she wanted to have my kids if we could wait till she was 25, and she wanted to grow old together. She even bought a plane ticket to come up here for New Years. I even stayed at my crappy job instead of taking a better one, just so I could have time off to see her when she was here. Her flight was December 28. She even started looking for jobs for me down there and a place for us to live. I was moving down there. She even went on Birth Control for the first time, the Nuva ring. She said her sister used it with great success, and that way I didn't have to use a condom, she wanted all of me. She said I was unlike any guy before as most in her area of Fortuna, CA are pot smokers, which she hates, or muscle heads with no brain. She said she didn't like the muscles, she valued the brain more. She loved my skinny body, my brain, my personality, our shared interests, and so on. We were a perfect match. I even changed some things for her, not much but some. For example I changed my diet, which was just pizza and soda to more healthy meals that included veggies and more water. She said she wanted me to live a long time so we can be together longer. Frankly that not a downside, a better diet is good all around. Other then that, neither of us asked the other to change, we loved and accepted each other as the people we are. I was also her confidant, whenever she had issues, she would call me and cry and I would help her through them. Eventually her brother went insane and started to tear up the house. When she told me I packed my car and was about to drive down there from Bozeman, Montana. Its a 2 day drive but I was going to do it. She told me not to as friends of hers, an older couple, took her in for 2 weeks. But she said that if things got worse then come down and get her out of there. She was also stressed about her future. She was going to a community college, known as the Redwoods, and she wanted to transfer to HSU: Humboldt State University, where she would only have about 1, maybe 2 years left of school. She said if she got in, she would be busy and we would have to cut back on our time together, but that we could still make the relationship work. If she didn't get in because of late submission, then she was moving up here and moving in with me. Well she was accepted and she was so happy. And true to her word we cut back on some communication, but sometimes we would have facetime on and watch each other work. She would do her paper work while I watched her, and vice versa. But we still managed to make some time and we were happy. Then on November 25th, I invited her sister over to watch the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special along with some friends. Her sister is the most pessimistic person on the planet. Her sister, Harvy, has admitted to sleeping with over 50 guys, she is 29 I might add. She has also cheated on almost every relationship she has had ever had, and got other guys to cheat on their girlfriends with her. She does not believe in marriage, but wants a man to get her pregnant and stay around, kinda like a common law marriage, which is not really a traditional marriage but you file taxes together and have kids. Thats what Harvy wants. But during the Doctor Who special, all evening she was bemoaning the fact that she feels all used up because of how easy she was and how when any man finds out her past they bail. I can't blame them, a woman with her past would make most men bail. Well after the special, the next night Bekki calls me crying, she says she had an argument with her sister, who even though got us together, has created drama from the start of the relationship. She said Harvy said things about me that she knows aren't true, and that I did things. I asked the other guests and they said I didn't do anything, I was just extra nerdy. She never told me to this day what those things were, just that they were said and that they never contributed to the break up. THen after a few days or normal routine, she just stops. Her texts take longer to get to me, sometimes a whole day. She doesn't want to talk on the phone. She even stops saying I love you and replaces it with make it a good day. I get confused and angry at the cold shoulder, I felt like I did something wrong. I thought all was fine because the week before she was all excited about coming up here and her special first time and our dates, and the fact we love each other and can finally touch each other. December 15, she calls me on facetime and dumps me! Out of ****ing nowhere! She says she is going to be so busy this coming semester, far more busy then she thought. In addition to taking a full load of classes its an hour commute each way from her house to school and back. On top of that she is working 30 hours a week at her job at a Chinese restaurant. She said we would never see each other, and that it wouldn't work. She said that she thought up all kinds of ways we could try to make it work, but none did in her mind so she is not even going to try. I was so upset. I cried, I really did. I never expected that. She said when she came up to Montana she would still see me, see if we can work out something that will save the relationship. I agree, because I don't want her to leave me. We don't talk till December 30. After two days of her being up here I get no word. I sent two texts, nothing. Eventually I get mad, and send her a text to stop playing games. She made a promise to see me and yet she ignores me and treats me like yesterdays trash. She responds by saying she did agree to see me, but she can't and she hoped her silence would mean I would take the hint. She said she tried to make a clean break over a month ago and she regrets not being more assertive. Clean break my rear end! She said she would agree to try and fix the relationship! Well I am angry and pissed and sad. I stayed at my crap job so I could have time to see her, and she refuses. What makes this worse is the fact that she is staying with her sister who lives on the same street I do! I never saw her once, and it hurt like hell. We try to reach some closure but frankly I don't get it. Her excuse sounds shallow. We agree to try to be friends but we needed a break first. She told me to ask her in a month, that request she gave me on January 9 2014. I spend my entire 10 day vacation drunk, from morning till night. THat was the start of my alcohol abuse. On her birthday, February 2nd, I sent her a happy birthday text. I thought I moved on, I mean I had a few dates, slept with one woman, and I felt fine, so I figured I moved on why not. Well we start talking again, and it last until February 16 this year. We were being flirty and stuff and she asked me if I had a FWB. I said no I didn't, which is true. She said good man, she is glad I didn't. But she told me she had one! I was like WTF! Her, an FWB? it didn't compute. I mean she spent a lot of time during our time together degrading FWBs, about how they have no respect for themselves and that she wanted her first time to be special. She asks if I am ok. I started drinking again after she told me. I said no I wasn't. I said I expected us to date and sleep with other people, that's a given, but her as an FWB? I told her I don't understand, and about how she hated them. She said a lot can change in over 3 months since we ended. I told her to check again, we were broken up for a month and a half and one can't change so fast. She says well she did, it happens. She said that she was so busy that it seemed longer for her. Eventually I was drunk and angry, here she was telling me she was glad I didn't have one, and that she hated them but now she is one! The Hypocrisy! I told her that to. She got mad and said it isn't and it got worse from there. She asks what is it my business. I told her how she spent her time degrading them, how she hated them, how she wanted her first time to be special, and I told her it now wasn't it was useless sex. And all that was less then a month and a half ago. She told me it started this month. and that he's hot. I told her how I worked so hard for this relationship, all the sacrifices I made for her and she refused to even see me, I never even got to kiss my own girlfriend or hold her hand much less have sex and here she is giving it away for free! I did all this work and I didn't even get a kiss! But I still did it because I love her! I told her I promise he is bragging to his friends, about how he is bagging the most beautiful woman on campus for free. and if he knew she was in an LDR before hand, its more points for him because he will brag he is getting for free what her BF never got! I've seen it happen far to many times for my tastes. I told her she always cared how people perceive her, well look at her now. She is being perceived as a hypocrite, and easy. and anyone who hears about it will have less respect for her, which she always valued because in general, FWBs tend to get less respect from people. Talking from experience here. How will people think of her knowing she gave up a loving boyfriend for this? I was angry. I mean I felt cheated, here I am doing all this work for a relationship and she just gives it to some dude. She accused me of calling her a slut and a whore, but here the thing, I never did. I never used those words and that she did, and that if she is putting words into my mouth then maybe she needs to do some self reflection as its a reflection of how she feels about herself but is to proud to admit it. I told her she always preached on why, and how its about respect, and that guess what he does not respect you. Your friends, who I've met and are super christian, don't respect her they just won't tell her because they love her. She has alienated more people then she really knows by being a hypocrite and give it all away to some random dude, while leaving behind the man she supposedly loves and who loves her back. We argue and it gets real nasty. I mean its 81 pages of stuff. At one point she asks if I really think she is so heartless that her ending our relationship didn't hurt her. If I thought she was made of stone? I told her the honest truth, that I don't think she is heartless, but that after she left me she went about her life like nothing happened at all, like I was never there at all like I never mattered at all to her. and then she does this, goes the exact opposite path from what she preached against. I told her it hurt, it hurt because you asked so much of me and I waited just for you, and you never allow me to see you in person. You bailed, you never tried to fix this you never put in the effort you jut freaked and won't even admit it. I told her if she does this then she has no self respect because of all the hypocrisy. She told me she really did love me, and still does she is just not sure how. She said she really is sorry for making all those promises to love me and marry me, she admits to starting it, but that she also realized she is not ready for that kind of commitment yet. She said this is just a casual thing and she barely sees him anyways because she really is busy, she just needed something. She told me she has an internship this summer in San Francisco and that she couldn't stand the thought that I would be there, waiting for her to finish her internship, her college, and so on. She said it wasn't fair to me as it prevented me from having my own dreams. She said a true relationship has two people leading equal but sometime separate lives, not have one life swallowed by the other. She says so much is changing in her life right now, she doesn't know if she will be the person I fell in love with 5 years from now, or even 6 months from now. She even said that she feels awful and dead inside because this has affected me more then it affect her and she doesn't understand why. How can someone change from having a loving relationship to this instead? Even she doesn't know why she just said she changed. She said she doesn't has answers for all my questions because she doesn't have the answers herself. She told me dumping me was the hardest thing she has ever done in her entire life. She told me her and the FWB don't have time for a relationship so its just casual, and that maybe she is making a mistake but its her's to make. Just right now she does not regret it. That what her and I had was so strong, that she couldn't do it again, not with anyone else. That what we had still affects her. She said she couldn't see me in person because she knows she couldn't have gone through with it if she did and that would have made it worse to see me, then break up with me when she got back to Fortuna California. We agreed that if we are meant to be we will find our way to each other again. Then came the hammer. She said that our attempt at friendship ended in failure, to much damage was done. I finally got the truth of the breakup. I spent so much time apologizing to her for this argument, I gave up all dignity and self worth, I told her the truth, that I was drunk when I started it, and that I had been abusing alcohol. She said she appreciates the truth, ad she is sorry for pushing me that far. I told her I would seek help, and I am. She said that's a good thing. She said she will never forget me, that we have so many good memories. She will always remember the good times and conversations. She said that what she is about to do is the second hardest thing she has ever done in her life, and that to go NC, for a long while, maybe even permanent. THe hardest was the breakup, this is the second hardest. She said that she wants me to delete all her pictures, all her messages, everything, like she will to do me on her phone. We agreed that maybe, someday, we can get in contact again, but she wants me to move on first. She does't want me to hold onto the fact that we can get contact again as a way to avoid moving on. I told her I love her still, and that I am so sorry my drunkenness started this whole argument. My worst fear came to life, I pushed her even further away. I did everything I could to convince her otherwise, to not give up on friendship but I knew it was futile. I pushed her to far and I regret it every second of every day. She said that she won't promise future contact, she can't make a promise she doesn't know if she can keep, she can't do that to me again as it wold be cruel if she promised and failed to uphold it. We both did to much damage to each other in just 2 days. We said our final goodbyes, about he we loved each other and that we wish the other the best in their lives and futures, and that maybe we can talk or meet again. That we will remember the good times we shared. That occurred on December 19 2014. Thats it, thats my relationship. It ended and I feel horrible. My alcohol abuse after she left me made me so dumb and unaware I started an unnecessary argument and pushed her away forever. We can't even be friends anymore. TO make it worse I have gotten into such a level of depression everyone around me is worried. My co workers are worried I will snap and kill the boss we all hate. Most of friends think I will be fine, though one of them and my family think I am suicide prone. During all this, my mom learned I tried to commit suicide a few years ago. She never knew till now. She is now hiring a professional psychiatrist. She is worried about me and worried what I will do. My other friend Jes is trying to get me to come back to God, insisting he has all the answers and can help me if I let him in. One thing everyone agrees on though, is that I have changed. I have become colder, meaner, far more calculating. My roommate sad it best, he says its like I've become like Khan from Star Trek into Darkness, thats how I am now, thats how much I've changed. For most of my life I have given and given everything I am to others, even people I didn't know and I almost never asked for anything in return. Now though, now I want my due. I want my good karma. I am tired of helping the world and getting nothing but misery and pain in return. Why should I be nice if my reward is suffering? I am done. I am no longer giving to others. Time to be selfish. If my roommate thinks I am Khan then so be it. He may be a fictional character but I can feel the mindset coming in. THe person before you is dying. I am killing myself, and from the ashes a new me will be reborn. One who is not nice and kind, one who will not allow others to take advantage of him. I hate the human race. Bekki was, and still is, the woman I love and I pushed her away. I can not take it back even though I wish I could, I wish I could take back that argument but I can't. I loved her with every aspect of my being, she was perfect in every way. I am giving up alcohol, and my kindness. Its time that I took care of myself, and no one else. Edited February 21, 2014 by collegeguy_24
Author collegeguy_24 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 This is day 3 of NC. I still feel like crap for having pushed her away the way I did, but on the upside I took what she told me to do. I am meeting with a friend of mine tomorrow night who is interested in sex. Not a relationship just sex, and I'm going for it. Why? Well while my ex may be hypocritical and refuse to acknowledge it, I never said I hate FWBs myself. So I am going for it. So if my ex find this, congradulations, I am following your advise and getting laid. Also, I have made an appointment for a psychiatrist Tuesday. Judging by how I treated Bekki during this past monday and TUesday, I need some help.
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