Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I would like to start this thread by saying that every single thing that was advised to me by other posters last summer was 100% correct, and I am officially, stupid. If you're new to this whole being sneaky, flirting, secret messages type thing and you wonder if you should stop now before it gets out of control, for the love of everything holy.... RUN THE OTHER WAY. A year and four months now. For those who don't remember me, I am MW seeing a MM. It's gotten to be such a complicated addiction, and I can't even believe the fire I'm playing with. It's more or less put me into a depression, but at the same time I don't want it to end. Plenty of people told me on here, the sooner you get out the better, but nobody can guilt you into stopping. Bottom line is, if you don't want to break it off, you won't. When I posted before it was very casual... But within the past few months he's shown jealousy and made comments in regards to us being together longterm, living together etc. I do love him, but wouldn't leave my M for him. I've told him repeatedly when he brings up the subject of leaving his W (they've been separated a few times in the past) that he cannot leave her for me. If he leaves, it has to be because HE is done with the M. He can't count on us working out... I don't know that it would. Anyway, just a check in. I'm in deep, and it's such a maddening way to live. At this point I think the pain of losing him is worse than the anxiety and guilt, so there realistically isn't an end in the near future, if I'm being completely honest. You were all absolutely right. 1
almond Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You post as though you have zero control over your own life and actions, and are up the creek without a paddle. You use words such as addiction and depression...might be a good idea to have someone on your side to help you process things... Have you considered speaking to a professional (therapist) about what's going on? 3
Author Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Ohh I know I'm in control and could stop this whole thing if I really wanted to. MM isn't the wacko type. and though he might send a few sad texts at first, if I said this is done, he would respect my wishes. I've considered therapy a few times, but never follow through. I'm not sure I could sit face to face with someone and tell them all of this.
Artie Lang Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 so now that you've realized how "stupid" you've been, what are you going to do about it? Ohh I know I'm in control and could stop this whole thing if I really wanted to. you are in such denial. if this were true, you wouldn't be here a year later stuck in this situation 6
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Im sorry you feel like this. This is what i was afraid was going go happen to me. I broke it off after i soon realized i was falling hard. Way too hard. Man i did not want to do it but i did. Im still struggling 5 months later. Some days i feel like if i didnt do it id still be tslking to him now but then i feel like i did the right thing. You can do NC. You have some long days ahead but have faith it will get better.
almond Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 OI've considered therapy a few times, but never follow through. I'm not sure I could sit face to face with someone and tell them all of this. Please try <3
Author Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 so now that you've realized how "stupid" you've been, what are you going to do about it? you are in such denial. if this were true, you wouldn't be here a year later stuck in this situation How exactly am I in denial? That's brutal honesty. I'm not saying what I'm doing is smart, or acceptable, but if I wanted to stop I would. I should have stopped it a long time ago, now it's gotten much more complicated than I ever thought possible. The truth is I go back and forth, a million times a day. Sometimes I prepare a "breakup speech" in my head, and think just get it over with, this isn't going anywhere. Other times I can't imagine us ever going separate ways. I'm here to connect with/give/recieve support from others who understand, some of us can't confide in friends and family, and it's difficult keeping everything bottled up. 3
Author Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Im sorry you feel like this. This is what i was afraid was going go happen to me. I broke it off after i soon realized i was falling hard. Way too hard. Man i did not want to do it but i did. Im still struggling 5 months later. Some days i feel like if i didnt do it id still be tslking to him now but then i feel like i did the right thing. You can do NC. You have some long days ahead but have faith it will get better. You were smart! I may go back and read your posts for inspiration! Visiting this site does make me feel a little bit stronger I guess, for lack of a better word. 1
ClemsonTigers Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If you really want to try to figure this out you need to isolate yourself from the source of your addiction. Either take a trip or just tell MM you are going on a 10 day cruise with your parents and then turn off your phone for 10 days. During those 10 days commit to posting and learning about infidelity and the destruction betrayal causes all those involved. As you move through those 10 days of "no contact" with MM you'll find yourself thinking more and more clearly. By day 10, you'll likely be able to finally commit to sending him a "no contact" email and just ending it….without any bullcrap "closure" meet up where he'll successfully talk you out of it…AGAIN. Consider this….you're probably posting here again after a full year of considering ending it merely because you haven't seen MM as much lately which is enabling you to think a bit more rationally. Please use the brain God gave you to guide your behavior…not your "feelings". "Feelings" lie. 2
Tayla Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 to re-interpret another posters remark- You are in denial because you refuse to "DO" anything to improve your emotional state. You flip flop back and forth, maintaining you can but you wont. I sincerely think you simply are not ready to deal with the consequences. Until the pain and relationship become overbearing, you'll stay. Its really your adult life. Wonder what will be your life when you are 70 and have more regrets then joy... 2
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Nattie i understand where you are comng from and am no way telling you its going to be easy cause is not. I literally take NC one minute at a time. I want to break it so bad but i really try to stay strong. Its over, i know it, i just feel like there is such unfinished buisness as there is in all affairs. I dont know if im much help but really consider NC. I like the idea of telling him you are going on vacation for 10 days. I think i went almost 4 days without speaking to my MM while we were together. I think i was testng myself then to see if i could go without him. Its sooo hard. You can do it........8) 1
RickFox Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 So he's not good enough to be with, to leave your husband for, but he's good enough to screw and potentially wreck both worlds with..... why stay with him then.....? 4
Artie Lang Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) you've admitted(previously) that it's an addiction. addicts can't help themselves, or have enough "control" of the situation to stop their behavior. thus being an addict(addicted to the intensity of the affair), you are NOT in control and can't/won't do what's necessary to end it. so yes, you are in somewhat of a denial stage. the situation has spiraled out of your control since the last time you chimed in. if you can't see that, you're in waaay deeper than you realize. Edited February 20, 2014 by Artie Lang 2
VeronicaRoss Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 A lot of us don't know the difference between obsession, addiction and love for a good part of our lives. They aren't the same. The only thing they have in common is the big rush of chemicals at the beginning (for the non-addicted). The addicts need to create dramatic scenes and secrecy in order to keep the chemicals going, over and over again. It really is an addiction to the drugs your body produces, they're more powerful than almost anything else. Once you can accept that you're using the relationship as your drug supply you'll be truly close to being able to solve your problem. But most people insist on romanticizing their problem and society will support you too. As long as you insist it's about 'love' for another person, you're in denial. 1
chelsea2011 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 How exactly am I in denial? That's brutal honesty. I'm not saying what I'm doing is smart, or acceptable, but if I wanted to stop I would. I should have stopped it a long time ago, now it's gotten much more complicated than I ever thought possible. The truth is I go back and forth, a million times a day. Sometimes I prepare a "breakup speech" in my head, and think just get it over with, this isn't going anywhere. Other times I can't imagine us ever going separate ways. I'm here to connect with/give/recieve support from others who understand, some of us can't confide in friends and family, and it's difficult keeping everything bottled up. The bolded part is what is driving you crazy and keeping you in this. I was in a situation once (not an affair) and "I came clean with my family" and it was the most liberating thing I have ever done in my life. It was the secrecy, guilt, embarrassment etc that drove me bonkers and when I finally divulged a huge burden was lifted. I have a wonderful family and couldn't believe that I waited so long to tell them and ask for support. I look at it this way, it is going to come out sooner or later so which is better; admitting your flawed and need help and support to overcome what led you there or being busted and dealing with "your only sorry because you got caught" stuff on top of it all. Sounds insane I know, but it works. Secrets, deception all lurk in dark damp moldy corners of life and that becomes your state of mind if it's where you hang out. Good luck. I hope you decide to quit taking up residence in that space.
experiencethedevine Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 How exactly am I in denial? That's brutal honesty. I'm not saying what I'm doing is smart, or acceptable, but if I wanted to stop I would. I should have stopped it a long time ago, now it's gotten much more complicated than I ever thought possible. The truth is I go back and forth, a million times a day. Sometimes I prepare a "breakup speech" in my head, and think just get it over with, this isn't going anywhere. Other times I can't imagine us ever going separate ways. I'm here to connect with/give/recieve support from others who understand, some of us can't confide in friends and family, and it's difficult keeping everything bottled up. What an awful roller coaster to be stuck on. Perhaps therapy might offer the opportunity for an alternative thought process? Is it likely that you are unable to give up this man simply because you would have difficulty addressing the assumed void the absence of his attention to you would leave? All the more reason to seek some professional assistance maybe. 1
Author Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 You're all absolutely right, but this MOM thing is the tip of the iceberg. I have a history of depression, 80% of the time I don't want to be married (or with anyone) and I often regret every decision I've ever made. The last time I tried to amicably separate from DH everyone flipped out. He became a lunatic, family members said I was horribly selfish, ruining my children's lives, threatened to write me off. A lot of times I just want to go off and do my own thing, make MYSELF happy, and peacefully share custody.. But I can't. I would have to endure relentless insults, harassment, my own mother threatened to never speak to me again. My A started within a few weeks of my buckling to the pressure and agreeing to stay with DH. In a way I think it was my way of saying "screw you all, I do what I want" when it first began. Ugh...just typing this post I can feel my blood pressure rising, I have so much resentment. I just might research therapists today. 1
cozycottagelg Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 You're all absolutely right, but this MOM thing is the tip of the iceberg. I have a history of depression, 80% of the time I don't want to be married (or with anyone) and I often regret every decision I've ever made. The last time I tried to amicably separate from DH everyone flipped out. He became a lunatic, family members said I was horribly selfish, ruining my children's lives, threatened to write me off. A lot of times I just want to go off and do my own thing, make MYSELF happy, and peacefully share custody.. But I can't. I would have to endure relentless insults, harassment, my own mother threatened to never speak to me again. My A started within a few weeks of my buckling to the pressure and agreeing to stay with DH. In a way I think it was my way of saying "screw you all, I do what I want" when it first began. Ugh...just typing this post I can feel my blood pressure rising, I have so much resentment. I just might research therapists today. That is sort of where I am in my marriage, though without the infidelity stuff. I know I won't be able to split amicably with my husband, he will freak out and just be a dick to me for the rest of our lives. When I try to open up to my mom she says "your children are going to be so sad..." oh really? Hadn't thought of that Mom..thanks! I so get this...as a general statement of marriage. 1
blue963 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Sometimes depression is the result of living the life that others want us to live, rather that what we truly want. Pressure from others to stay married doesn't help you. 2
Author Nattie Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 You know, it's such a tough spot to be in. I acknowledge that I shouldn't have ever gotten married, but kids came, and we know how that can go. I love DH very much, not in the way a wife should love her husband however. Sometimes I think it's worth it to suffer so HIS life and family image can remain intact, of course if my A were to become public, there goes that! My kids... We all know how difficult it can be with kids, especially when others are telling you that leaving would be selfish, putting yourself before them, ignoring their wellbeing. Guilt can wreck you. It's not that I am so smitten with MOM that I want to leave the M, honestly I think MOM is helping me mask my feelings. If I were to split from DH tomorrow, I can't say that I'd want MOM either! To me right now, being alone and self sufficient sounds like absolute paradise. Not answering to anyone. I dream of it... 1
gettingstronger Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Nattie-this is all said as gently as possible: much of what you describe is just life- we all feel pressure, we all sometimes feel trapped by our past decisions, we all sometimes feel hopeless-that's life and you really should get some therapy to learn to deal with it because the course you have chosen to deal with it right now is only going to make it worse in the long run-you are delaying facing up to life-there is no way this can continue for 5, 10 or more years-nothing you are doing is preparing you for your life down the road-you need to get it together and get moving in a positive direction-first step is to stop rationalizing that you are doing the best you can, get in therapy and stop rationalizing- Good luck, you can do this! 1
Mickey1982 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Nattie---get out now! Read my posts. After 3 1/2 years with who I thought was my soulmate, a d-day for him and my world came crashing down. I thought he loved me more than life itself and he promised me the world. You are setting yourself up for devastation and more pain than you ever can imagine. I am going on 8 weeks of NC and it is the only thing that is keeping me a bit sane. I still love him, but realize more each hour that I am chasing a dream that has become a nightmare.
Confusion_Reigns Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Nattie, I have no real advice as I am in the same boat. Life pressure family love? What the heck is love? idk anymore. As a fBS I was advised to be selfish, to focus on me and my life...what I wanted and how I was going to get there...now years later I find myself in the WS roll and am getting the exact opposite...think about him, think about the kids, etc.... There has to be a happy medium some place around here. There must be a common ground that I can stand on...that won't keep getting swept out from under me....and the uncertainty of everything outside of myself is simply crazy and scary. Oh, I can be alone, I can do this and be good with just myself. I know this about me very well. What I can't really figure out is...how to get myself from this spot to that spot with as little drama as possible....I don't think it's possible....and really, I've only postponed the enviable by waiting to divorce. Everyone's going to hurt and there is simply no way around that fact....and if I would have left years ago we'd all be that much further in healing. ((((hugs)))) to you.
Scott Thomas Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 But Nattie had a happy marriage until her A? Nattie, was something wrong? We're there any other problems?
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