picnicinthepark Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Quick Summary: - A day shy of 5 weeks since BU (RS of almost 5 years) and 10 days NC (broke NC about a week before) - Moved out of our apt shortly after BU and am temporarily living with my parents out of the city - Laid off 5 months ago and have been actively looking for work with no success - Went to Europe for a month after being laid off (had originally planned on going but extended the trip) - Ex goes on vacation for a month during xmas and new years and leaves me shortly after she returns Things aren't exactly going my way... The BU was a shock to me and hit me pretty hard. She fell out of love and realized that during her trip (we kept minimal communication due to the location) she was okay with the idea of being alone and maybe living and working in a different country, so much more she wanted to do, etc. When I was laid off I was in a bad place and worried about finding new work, having to downgrade from our apt, whether or not she would feel secure, etc. Up until that point in time everything had fallen into place and now I was hit with this huge curveball. Looking back I can see that my behaviour changed. I wasn't taking care of myself. I wasn't taking the job search too seriously and I was just in a different state of mind. When I brought up the prospect of myself going to Europe my ex was extremely supportive (she is very well travelled) and I'm fortunate to have gone because I gained great perspective and experiences travelling on my own. Everywhere I went I thought of her (we kept regular contact) and I couldn't wait for her and I to go back and share those experiences. If anything, being away and discovering new worlds/cultures/lifestyles solidified my love for her and I was even more excited for our future together. Upon arriving back home to Canada we were so happy and we talked about our travels (she had also travelled to the US for a work conference) and made plans to revisit these places in the future. Soon enough reality hits me and I dropped back into this depression? Whatever it was I think I was oblivious to it. That in combination with my ex's late nights and tight deadlines for the next few weeks leading up to her vacation lead to major frustrations. I'm not going to ramble any longer but the point is we had communication issues. We addressed these issues near the end of the summer but we fell into old habits. I wish I had done something about it but at the same time she could have too. I should have told her that I wasn't in a good place (didn't want to go out, didn't want to try new things with her, wasn't taking care of myself, etc.) because I had these worries about finances, where my career was going, if she felt secure, etc. I wasn't meeting her needs because I didn't know what they were. We were too comfortable. I had no idea we were drifting apart... I don't resent her but I still have my reservations about why she wouldn't give me a second chance. I understand that if your partner isn't 100% then its broken but she didn't even want to try... She gave up. If the tables were turned I would say "okay... my bf is obviously down bc he was laid off, i'm gonna support him during this difficult time (not to say that she didn't) I should talk to him about this, we should talk about this". Why didn't she say anything?! How could she kick me while I was already down especially after almost 5 years?! Today I am still unemployed, moved out of our apt and living with my parents in the middle of nowhere away from all my friends in the city. She got a promotion before she left for her vacation during the holiday, still lives at our apt and our mutual friend (still don't know how I feel about this) is moving in until they find separate accommodation in the spring. Sounds like she's having a rough time huh? I miss my gf and my best friend. Now we're complete strangers. I feel so defeated but I'm trying my best to better myself and I am getting better. I still have the dreams and the daily random flashback but I'm doing better. I am practicing strict NC. I literally don't have a clue what's going in her life nor should I care (but I do unfortunately). I'm keeping busy but I still can't shake all these unanswered questions. I've encountered a fair amount of setbacks in my life and I just can't catch a break. Edited February 20, 2014 by picnicinthepark
JFReyes Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I understand completely as I've been going through a similar situation (unemployment, BU, losing the apartment, etc.). I'm fortunate that I finally got a job (that pays 1/3 of what I used to make) but it's too little, too late. 5 months post BU I'm beginning to move on and lose the defeated feeling, so all I can tell you is to keep your mind busy because time heals most wounds.
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It's odd how common this story seems to be. I went through a very similar set of circumstances. VERY similar, actually. No unemployment, but I hated my job and was banging my head against the wall trying to get a new one. Other circumstances led to a lot of stress and a bit of depression, and I definitely was acting differently around my (very well traveled) ex. There are loads of stories on these boards of one partner going through a temporary rough patch (mine was 6-7 weeks), trying to muck and flail their way through it...and the other partner leaves because they don't find this new version of their partner to be attractive any more. No communication, no "what's going on?", no "how can I help?"...just a lot of silence and then *poof*. It's disheartening, but what can you do? You know that you weren't being YOU, and you thought she'd see that too...after all, when you share a bond, how could they NOT see that something was "off"? Boggles the mind, but there's not much you can do now but try to be the best you that you can be.
Author picnicinthepark Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I think its cowardly the way she left. That's probably the part that hurts the most. Day by day... Thanks for the kind words.
WantanS4 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I don't resent her but I still have my reservations about why she wouldn't give me a second chance. I understand that if your partner isn't 100% then its broken but she didn't even want to try... She gave up. If the tables were turned I would say "okay... my bf is obviously down bc he was laid off, i'm gonna support him during this difficult time (not to say that she didn't) I should talk to him about this, we should talk about this". Why didn't she say anything?! How could she kick me while I was already down especially after almost 5 years?! Easy... cause her commitment candle burned out. Which means that she wasn't the one, cause the one would've stuck by you.
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Easy... cause her commitment candle burned out. Which means that she wasn't the one, cause the one would've stuck by you. No offense, but there's no such thing. All relationships are conditional - romantic love is conditional. There is no "the one", and there's no easy reasoning for why anyone leaves. However, I'll give you the "commitment candle" bit. Everyone's got one...it's just when it burns out and why.
Author picnicinthepark Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I'll agree with that. However its very difficult to grasp the concept of the one person who you loved the most leaving you with so many unanswered questions. I think these questions are best left unanswered. I've entertained the possibility of infidelity but that's another slippery road I'd rather not travel on...
StringsAttached Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 No offense, but there's no such thing. All relationships are conditional - romantic love is conditional. There is no "the one", and there's no easy reasoning for why anyone leaves. However, I'll give you the "commitment candle" bit. Everyone's got one...it's just when it burns out and why. That's a very cynical approach. What about couples that have been married most of their lives? We 'heartbroken people' choose to only hear/read about the couples that break up because we're going through a similar situation. Your statement could be true if humans had a lifespan of say 780 years instead of 78 because who could stand someone for half a millennia? My grandparents were childhood sweethearts and were married until my grandfather died. They were together for 60+ years. 1
Author picnicinthepark Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 I still can't wrap my head around all of this. Boy meets girl. They fall in love, make plans for the future and spend almost 5 amazing years together. Somewhere along the way they drift apart and the girl falls out of love and decides she doesn't see a future for them. Girl breaks up with boy. No second chances. Boy is rock bottom and is left to pick up the pieces. They can never be friends and they are now complete strangers to each other for the rest of their lives. Anyone else see how crazy this is? This is my life.
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