Dumper/Dumpee Distinction

[ex]

I realized today that this board makes a huge deal out of who was the dumper and who is the dumpee. And unsurprisingly, we have mostly dumpees here. (I guess because it is the dumpees who are typically more hurt and looking for solace/advice.) But I wonder if the dumper/dumpee designation is always a productive distinction. For example, if I hadn't found out that my ex went into a rebound right away (and subsequently tortured myself over it), I would have thought about our breakup as a fairly mutual decision. And insofar as he technically was the dumper (I tried to break up with him before but couldn't make the breakup stick), I'm actually kind of grateful. Because it would've been too painful for me to end it (I know, because I tried it), and I would potentially have had to think of the breakup as my mistake.

 

Anyone care to share thoughts about what the dumper/dumpee distinction doesn't achieve? Or even spell out what it does achieve? Anyone have opinions/stories about how being the dumper might be worse than being the dumpee? Anybody out there who thinks being the dumpee is always worse?

[Chenault]

I believe that the dumper/dumpee distinctions can be misleading. While it usually is the dumpee that got the short end of the stick, it's not always the case.

 

I, for one, was the dumper in my last realtionship. But while I was the one who ended it, I was the only one actually in love. It was a very difficult situation - to love someone deeply and know that they don't love you and probably never will. So eventually after much soul searching I decided to break up with him. I loved him. I still do. But my only other choice was to wallow in a relationship that he probably would have ended anyway. The choice was clear, so I thought.

 

I was the dumper but I am also the one that bears the scars and pines for someone that I can't have.

 

I think that in this particular venue one often has to be concise in explaining one's situation to help others understand. The stereotype of dumper/dumpee can often relate one's state of mind or situation clearly. But my recent experience has taught me that these distinctions can be misleading. It is often assumed that because someone is the dumper that they have less right to be upset about the breakup or somehow wronged the dumpee.

 

But these assupmtions are understandable to a degree. There are many people here that were wronged. It is only natural that they would project their own feelings onto a situation and see any dumper in the shades of their own experience.

 

Hope that offers one answer to your question.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I, for one, was the dumper in my last realtionship. But while I was the one who ended it, I was the only one actually in love. It was a very difficult situation - to love someone deeply and know that they don't love you and probably never will. So eventually after much soul searching I decided to break up with him. I loved him. I still do. But my only other choice was to wallow in a relationship that he probably would have ended anyway. The choice was clear, so I thought.

 

I was the dumper but I am also the one that bears the scars and pines for someone that I can't have.

 

jeez what a revelation... i never would have thought of your scenario except when i do think about it i can see people i have known like this

 

a lot of dumpees think the dumper doesn't care at all and sometimes this is true, most of the time they don't care as much

 

how do you know he didn't love you? is he married or is already attached? sounds like the scenario here to me to be in such a situation

[Chenault]

No, he wasn't married or attached to anyone but me. He just wasn't that "into me" as they say.

 

It would have been so much easier to walk away from him if he had been otherwise attached. To know someone simply doesn't love you hurts more than my paltry words could possibly express. And, of course, I've prolonged my own torture. He, on the other hand, moved on quite easily it would seem.

 

I agree that it usually is the dumpee that gets hurt more, but it is not always the case. Every relationship and it's ending is different. I think people sometimes get trapped by their own experiences and perspectives, making it difficult to see that, on occasion at least, the dumper experiences the anguish of breakup more than the dumpee.

[tattoomytoe]

if i could dump him i would be the dumpper....but i care/ love him a lot.....and though he says the same to me....i reallt cannot tell by his actions.

 

there is a ton of other issues too..... But i cannot get my balls up to dump him....

[blind_otter]

Every person in an LTR that I know of, who wanted out, had a bunch of "false start" breakups. Like conversations that started out being about how they shouldn't be together and ended with one or the other talking the dumper out of it. And mostly it seemed mutual, too....but whoever cared more felt more hurt. Sometimes it's really clear who dumped who. I've done that, dumped someone out of the blue (usually short-lived relationships). But of course then, it's not so serious.

[Universe]

I think it's an important distinction to make on these boards. Some posters definitely over-simplify it. And in most cases, the assumptions that go with the dumper/dumpee distinction are accurate. Usually, when someone is dumped, they will try to stop it from happening by trying to work things out with their about-to-be ex. So the dumper knows right off that the dumpee wants them back, but they are making a decision to end it. This dynamic is very common for the beginning of a break-up. So for the sake of these boards, I think that distinction helps.

That being said, there are few things that are more constructive than really putting yourself in your ex's shoes and empathizing with their situation. You can't know exactly what they are thinking. But you can try to understand what went so wrong that they felt it should end. Focussing on the fact that they essentially rejected you and continue to reject you every day that they don't come back will get you nowhere. So dwelling on the dumper/dumpee issue is not good. But who dumped who says a lot about your situation and how you should move forward. Every situation is different, obviously.

I too thought of my break-up as a mutual decision. It really was. In fact, I initiated it. But she definitely had the upper-hand. She had been pulling away from me. Then I granted myself dumpee status when I tried to get back together 10 days later and no dice.

I think that in this particular venue one often has to be concise in explaining one's situation to help others understand. The stereotype of dumper/dumpee can often relate one's state of mind or situation clearly.

I also agree that people can be very hard on your ex if you're the dumpee. Most people say, "Oh, you were dumped? Then they are evil and you are good." And it's never that simple. Certainly, there are cases where people are being severely taken advantage of and they don't see it. I think we're all afraid of being that person.

But I think the dumper is very often more hurt than the dumpee. In my case, I think my ex was hurting more than I was prior to the break-up. She wanted so badly for our relationship to last. But it was just falling apart. It made her so sad. I could see how sad it made her, and that put so much pressure on me to get my sh*t together and work things out. But the pressure just blinded me and I was unable to figure out how to make it better. That went on for about a year before we actually broke it off.

So I feel that she was more hurt than me by it all. I hate the fact that it took breaking up for me to see things clearly. I know she must resent that. Even though I feel that I'm the more "hurt" at this point, I recognize what she went through for me. But since I've got my act together, she's rejected my attempts at reconciliation and started sleeping with some older guy two weeks after we broke up (I'm pretty sure that ended a while ago, but still don't know). So, yeah, I'm hurt. But in the grand scheme of things, I think it sorta evens out.

[ex]

Another really thoughtful post, Universe. We will all miss you when you get your lady back.

 

To Chenault and those who break up with someone who you are very in to: you think your walking away is about fear of rejection? I did do this once when I was much younger (break up with someone because I loved him more than he loved me), but in my case, it was a false pride kind of move, fear of risk and vulnerability. I regretted it because he might have actually come to love me more... relationships seem to always be in constant rebalance. But anyway, yep, there's definitely a situation where the dumper/dumpee distinction is a bit more complex.

 

I bring all this up because I think what's really helped me to heal (so far) is to remember that even though I was technically the dumpee, I had issues with the ex-relationship too. Right after the breakup, when I found out about a rebound, I was devastated and did feel dumped for someone else. Took me a little while to regroup a bit and realize that she had nothing to do with our breaking up, but everything to do with his trying to be over me. But then I went through "this was all my fault and I should have done x, y and z diferently." Next I started trying to remember all the ways in which he wasn't right for me, but my heart still wanted him. Now with my self-esteem slowly but surely returning, I'm actually feeling like the breakup may have been for the best (Not that I know I don't want him back, otherwise I would have switched forums. But I like the overall group here better anyway). All this is to say that in my situation at least, and maybe in some of yours out there as well, the dumper/dumpee distinction may be kind of counter productive for healing.

 

But as Universe goes on to say, "who dumped who says a lot about your situation and how you should move forward." I will maintain NC until he calls me and/or I am so over him that I can be thrilled about being just friends.

 

Even though the last major breakup we had before this one, he was the dumper, but once I called him after a few months of NC, that was pretty much all the encouragement he needed to reinitiate a reconciliation...

 

In other words, even though I was, and still am, happy that we got back together that other time (we only got closer and moved in together afterwards), that breakup (and others, there were several, mostly minor) perhaps should have been a blinking, flashing, neon-lite indicator that we weren't right for each other. They say that love is not enough to make a healthy relationship. Yikes!

[Chenault]

To Chenault and those who break up with someone who you are very in to: you think your walking away is about fear of rejection?

 

In some cases this may be the reasoning, but I don't think it was for me. He just wasn't that into me. Why should I waste my time with someone that rarely made time for me? I hated walking away. I still hate that I did it. I miss him terribly and love him still. But, as you said, sometimes love isn't enough. At least one-sided love isn't.

 

The irony of my situation is that it is not in my nature to love one man and be with another. So by breaking up with him I've essentially consigned myself to Limbo - unable to be with the man that I love yet unable to be with anyone else. A bed of my own making, I know, but it still sucks lying here just the same.

 

Like you, I went through the "what am I doing wrong? Should I do x, y, or z" and I even tried x, y, and z. But I was making myself crazy rattling around inside my own head with all that stuff and riding an emotional rollercoaster every week. Loving him made me messy - and I don't like messy. Either you want to be with me or you don't and even loving him like I do won't make me stay if I'm feeling incidental to his life.

 

The dumpee/dumper distinction is an important one, to be sure, but I also now know that you can be the one to end the relationship and still feel like the dumpee. It all depends on the situation. I'm technically the dumper, yet I'm the one on the Shack searching for answers and support. He's moved on. Which essentially shows me that I was right about how he truly felt about me.

[GreenCap]

As most of the posts will tell you, falling out of love is a gradual process for the dumper and a sudden shock to the system for the dumpee. As such, the dumpee has no time to absorb or digest or comprehend the info in front of them. This shock to the systems causes them more pain (I am a dumpee and have my ex tell me at the dinner table I am moving out, I found a place already).

 

For the dumper, their pain is short because they have taken the time to rationalize their actions so the shock to the system isn;t there. Most of then, the dumper would have already found someone to move on with so how can they hurt more than the dumpee. Within four months of our breakup, my ex is already engaged to her boss' boss. How the hell does that happen? They have a professional relationship (supposedly) so how can you love somebody so quickly unless there have been feelings already embedded - and it takes two hands to clap.

[Chenault]

I see your point, Greencap, but you are only looking at that one scenario.

 

What if the dumpee doesn't give a rat's a** whether your together or not? If the dumpee hasn't invested himself in the relationship to begin with, then how is their pain worse than someone who is doing the because they don't see any other way of moving on?

 

I'm not disputing that in the majority of situations your theory applies, but it is too broad a generalization to say that the dumpee always feels more pain.

 

If you're with someone simply because they are convenient for you, but the convenient someone is actually in love with you, who is hurt worse in breakup regardless of who does it??

 

I never fell out of love with him. I didn't end it because I didn't love him. I ended it because he didn't, and couldn't, love me.

 

I'll never believe that he hurts worse than I do. Not ever.

 

I'm sorry that you were hurt. And I wish that I could offer you some comfort. I can't speak to what your ex was thinking or feeling. I can't explain why she moved on so quickly. I do think your right though that she had had time to rationalize her decision and it was a complete shock to you. That obviously makes it far worse for you than for her.

 

But that isn't always the case.

[jellybean]

Chenault....

 

You broke up with him, but your pain is the same as if you were a dumpee because he essentially DID reject you.