I flew to Montreal to visit him...

[TOtiger]

My question is about my recent trip to Montreal to stay with a guy I met through friends almost 6 months ago. I met him at a party (happened to be my birthday party) and I was smitten, I think we both were. I found out the next day he was to be at a fair and I joined just so I would see him again. We exchanged facebook accounts and kept in contact. Nothing serious because it was more friendly than anything. He was originally planning to move to Toronto for work, but the job fell through.

 

Fast forward to now. I noticed he was a little more active on my facebook and we started chatting again. I fell on some hard times here in Toronto (dating wise) and I needed an escape. I didn't tell him any details, nor did he ask. Our conversation then led to us planning me coming to Montreal for a little holiday and staying with him. We were both pretty excited, worked out the details to take vacation time off and I booked a flight (1 hour flight vs a 4 hour train)

 

We also flirted with the idea that we would hook up. To me, this was the point of the trip. An attractive French guy, beautiful Montreal, wine, sex and of course great food. I thought it was pretty clear that it would be a booty call. I don't think it's common for this to happen so spur of the moment, but I'm romantic, but also realistic because of the distance

 

The day before my flight he messages me and tells me to take the shuttle bus to his district. I was furious as we discussed he would pick me up. I didn't respond for a few hours as I thought that maybe this trip wasn't what I was imagining in my mind. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I believe a gentleman should pick me up at the airport, especially since I am coming to just visit him and get busy. I called him and he said he had plans to go to home depot that morning and changed them to pick me up (a bit of a red flag, but it all worked out)

 

So we get to his place, everything is great in Montreal. I feel like I'm visiting an old boyfriend or someone I just feel comfortable with. He is also so handsome I want to kiss him, but nothing happens.

 

He takes me to his favourite food joints, we go for a walk in the park, he takes me to all the tourist districts in Montreal. I was having a great time - but there was little to no intimacy. I was so confused. He even made a silly comment that we would be hooking up later and he went into the pharmacy for a few minutes - I made the assumption that he was buying condoms because he never said why he went.

 

I spent 4 days and 3 nights with this guy, in his bed, and he didn't touch me romantically? He had mentioned on the second day that he doesn't like to rush into things. I respected that. But I'm a 'friend' from another city visiting to have sex. I'm actually shy about hooking up with him so I didn't do anything or say anything to rush it. One night when we were just cuddling, I leaned up to kiss him and he actually pulled away like I scared him. I've never had someone reject me so hard

 

The rest of our time in the city was great, he was so attentive and listened to everything I said. I told him that I liked sea food and he cooked for me one of the nights a special dish.

 

The morning before I flew home over creps I told him that I appreciated the weekend but to be honest I thought that I was gonna get laid at some point. He laughed and he said he thought so too. He seemed more relaxed after that and we joked about how attracted we were to each other in the summer.

 

We go back to his place to pick up my suitcase with 30 minutes before I leave for the airport. He straddles me as I sit in a chair and kisses me. We kiss, make out, it`s all so nice - but why does this happen 4 days latter?

 

One of my French girlfriends said to not look too into it and he was just kissing you goodbye - though its tough to swallow, it's the most logical answer I can think of. My only other thought is that I look different than in the summer, I gained some weight, shorter hair - but I don't think a big enough difference for anyone to not go through with a bootycall

 

I went to a lot of trouble to see this guy who I did have an amazing time with. He is the first man I've come across in a long time who didn't play games to get sex and I do have to respect him for that. But I don't know what happened between me booking the flight, us discussing we would be intimate and share a bed to him pushing off a kiss? If he had feelings for someone else, I think he had a good opportunity to say something

 

I've had such bad luck with dating, any insight would be helpful. I even text messaged him about this dilemma to shed some light on it. I told him that we are totally cool, I just don't understand why he would kiss me and if it was to just say goodbye. That text was over an hour ago and he didn't respond - so I dont know if I'll ever get an answer

[kaylan]

Either hes just really shy and doesnt know how to make the right moves, or maybe hes also interested in someone else.

 

I doubt its the 2nd considering how much time you spent together. I think the dude just didnt know how to seduce you in person.

[Tayken]

I gained some weight, shorter hair - but I don't think a big enough difference for anyone to not go through with a bootycall

 

OK... here it is, I am also in Ontario and for those that don't know, Toronto to Montreal (province of Quebec) is 542.4 km. You are brave to just take off and spend 4days with a guy you barely know, considering all the stories in the news

 

Anyway...from what you have described, I personally think this is the explanation for what happened:

My only other thought is that I look different than in the summer, I gained some weight, shorter hair - but I don't think a big enough difference for anyone to not go through with a bootycall

 

It's no secret that the French like their women slimmer, and although you might not think it's a problem for a booty call, at least now you know that not every man wants sex. If the attraction is not there, it won't happen...surely you women understand this?

 

You were obviously more into this guy than he was you, and even if you looked the way you did in the summer, I personally think he would have hit it, and still kissed you good bye.

 

I know Toronto is a hard place to date, but perhaps you should cast a net into the GTA

[kaylan]

^I missed that part.

 

OP I agree. If you look a good bit different, that may be why he didnt make a move.

 

Define "gained some weight".

[FitChick]

He sounds like better boyfriend material than hook up material. Too bad men and women never seem to meet someone on "the same page" as they are. Usually women complain about men only wanting sex.

 

How much weight did you gain? If you gained a pound a week from last summer, that is a lot.

[Tayken]

He sounds like better boyfriend material than hook up material. Too bad men and women never seem to meet someone on "the same page" as they are. Usually women complain about men only wanting sex.

 

How much weight did you gain? If you gained a pound a week from last summer, that is a lot.

 

Aren't we all glad that stories like this, put to bed all that discombobulation about sex? A lot of us men want more than that, and I believe there is another thread going here on the top 5 things we look for in women

[MrMeh]

I am pretty positive he wasn't attracted to you. If it was me in the situation,and you seemed to look different, I probably would have avoided

doing anything intimate with you by being "nice" and coy and hoping you would never make a move. Shyness isn't an excuse if somebody

visits you from out of town just to see you.

[OhThatGirl]

Seems like when there was no chance of actually "hooking up" he was less afraid to give you some action. Could it be that he has some pretty severe performance anxiety? He knows what's possible in the situation so he backs way way off until he knows he won't be asked to perform in which case he's not risking anything by kissing? Because he's safe that at that point it won't lead to anything?

 

Weird. Why don't you ask him? Like outright ask him if he wasn't attracted to you? If you have no plans to do anything else together there shouldn't be a reason for him to lie.

 

It does seem you chased a bit.. You went to the fair you knew he would be at. This is why I prefer to let men chase me. If they don't ask, I don't give. That way there's less risk of rejection! (Sad, I know.. )

 

Ps. Troubles in dating will only get worse by cutting your hair and gaining weight... Generally speaking, I know that others will disagree. But if you're trying to give yourself the biggest pool of men to choose from, that's my advice.

[Tayken]

Seems like when there was no chance of actually "hooking up" he was less afraid to give you some action. Could it be that he has some pretty severe performance anxiety? He knows what's possible in the situation so he backs way way off until he knows he won't be asked to perform in which case he's not risking anything by kissing? Because he's safe that at that point it won't lead to anything?

 

Weird. Why don't you ask him? Like outright ask him if he wasn't attracted to you? If you have no plans to do anything else together there shouldn't be a reason for him to lie.

 

It does seem you chased a bit.. You went to the fair you knew he would be at. This is why I prefer to let men chase me. If they don't ask, I don't give. That way there's less risk of rejection! (Sad, I know.. )

 

Ps. Troubles in dating will only get worse by cutting your hair and gaining weight... Generally speaking, I know that others will disagree. But if you're trying to give yourself the biggest pool of men to choose from, that's my advice.

 

Add to that the distance

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don't think he's into you any more, OP.

 

You guys obviously had quite different ideas and expectations about this visit. You say you both flirted with the idea of hooking up - in what sense? What did you and he say? Also, whose idea was the trip, initially?

 

The bottom line is that it appears the spark you had is now fading. If he actually pulled away when you tried to kiss him, I'd take that as a sign that he's not into me.

[TOtiger]

Thank you for your replies

 

I sent him a text to get some clarification about it. Honestly, it was just a trip and I wasn't expecting a relationship out of it. There is too much distance between us and the trip was based on our original attraction.

 

Therefore, I do think that the weight I gained played a bigger part of it. I'm not one to be overly concerned, but I was really fit in the summer as I had met my weight goal for my birthday and things went a little downwards after that. Since people asked, I would say I was a fit 117lbs in the summer and now a not so fit 128lbs. I'm not an overweight person, but sometimes 10 lbs and loss of muscle from not working out makes a difference.

 

To update the situation, he replied to my text defending himself and saying that I thought I 'understood' that he was going to take things slow and he added that he kissed me because he felt it was the right time.

 

I got the sense that it was bs because taking things slow and essentially living with someone for 4 days is quite slow to not touch them.

 

It wasn't a total waste as I did have such a great time, but felt huge physical rejection at the end.

 

The way it is in Montreal is that they are more sexually liberal. Sexuality is essentially easy. So when he told me that he usually rushes things, it did make sense. He said he wanted to try something different and take things slow - but I don't see why that would apply to me or this situation

 

I replied to his text message (about him simply kissing when it was right) with a counter clarification about him pushing me away when I tried to kiss him the night before, when he cancelled our dinner plans. That same night we stayed in his apartment and I drank a bottle of wine (by myself as he doesn't drink due to fitness) and I passed out in the bed. when I woke up, he didn't join me in the bed but curled up in a little chair with a blanket to sleep instead. I was so upset. No kiss, no dinner, drinking by myself, and now he doesn't even want to share a bed? He said that he didn't go to bed because I was passed out taking all the room and he didn't want to wake me up. I think it sounded cute and thoughtful, but totally bogus. You get into bed and if you wake the person up, well, they would fall back asleep and both of you would sleep in a bed, not a chair.

 

 

His final text was angry and he said that dinner didn't happen because we both weren't hungry, he didn't kiss me because when I tried he was half asleep and it was bad timing, and then he says that he doesn't want to argue about what is and what isn't "taking things slow" then just concludes that we "see things differently"

 

I replied with that I was messaging because I was confused, and coming such a distance to see him, I think that's totally valid.

 

No response - so I just feel like I was blown off and I don't want to beat it with a dead horse because the trip is over and I probably will never see him again anyways

[TOtiger]

I just don't think he's into you any more, OP.

 

You guys obviously had quite different ideas and expectations about this visit. You say you both flirted with the idea of hooking up - in what sense? What did you and he say? Also, whose idea was the trip, initially?

 

The bottom line is that it appears the spark you had is now fading. If he actually pulled away when you tried to kiss him, I'd take that as a sign that he's not into me.

It was essentially my idea for the trip as I wanted to get out of Toronto asap. We chatted online about it and then I called him on the phone to discuss more details. But it was discussed that we were going to tour the city and have a romance. Even the first day I arrived he had made a comment that we were going to hook up

 

From his last text message last night he seemed pretty mad a the idea I thought he was rejecting me. Don't know if that's a way to push me away further. Either way, I wont see him again - just part of me would like to know what happened.

[Gaeta]

I am a French woman from Montreal. I can confirm that something turned him off. Might be he expected a very trimmed woman and even though it doesn't sound much to most of us, that 10-lbs for him was too much. Also the hair, if you went from long hair to short boyish hair some men can't get passed that.

 

I think, over-all, the weight AND the hair were too much of a change.

 

Another reason:

 

Maybe he had recently met someone and felt like **** having a girl from Toronto stay over.

 

I would not beleive his excuse that there were no sex over an entire weekend because of bad timing or he wants to take things slow. This is just a polite excuse to spare your feelings. Accept it, and move on. No man wants to come out and say 'I was turned off by your extra weight'

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP I get it. There is nothing worse for a woman than being rejected for sex. That stings because we all know that most men want to f-k anything.

 

It happened to me few years back. I questioned the guy in great detail (I cringe now thinking about it) and he said that he didn't feel the right vibe. I basically threw myself at him

 

Anyway, I don't think it was the weight or the hair. Personally it seems like something happened between the time you booked the trip and the time you went there. Most likely things heated up with another women or something along those lines. He felt it wasn't fair on you to cancel the trip so he went ahead. Notice how he changed plans and tried not to pick you up from the airport? That was a huge sign of things to come and it happened before he saw your weight gain or hair.

 

Try not to feel bad and know that you didn't do anything wrong. It was just the wrong guy. Well either that or ED

[mr_dave]

The shorter hair and weight gain might have affected his attraction for you somewhat.

The two don't (in my opinion) make a good combination, a short hair cut on a larger lady makes her head look smaller and her body look even bigger in comparison. Especially if it's something like a bob cut.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP I get it. There is nothing worse for a woman than being rejected for sex. That stings because we all know that most men want to f-k anything.

 

It happened to me few years back. I questioned the guy in great detail (I cringe now thinking about it) and he said that he didn't feel the right vibe. I basically threw myself at him

 

Anyway, I don't think it was the weight or the hair. Personally it seems like something happened between the time you booked the trip and the time you went there. Most likely things heated up with another women or something along those lines. He felt it wasn't fair on you to cancel the trip so he went ahead. Notice how he changed plans and tried not to pick you up from the airport? That was a huge sign of things to come and it happened before he saw your weight gain or hair.

 

Try not to feel bad and know that you didn't do anything wrong. It was just the wrong guy. Well either that or ED

 

This is a good point. I'd say he sort of changed his mind before you even arrived, OP. In any case, live and learn. Wrong guy

[TOtiger]

I agree with you. I still find myself an attractive woman, but I know that my weight has caused issues for me in the past. I tend to yo yo and 10 lbs is a lot on my frame. It doesn't sound like a lot but it looks like it

 

He is also into fitness a lot and has decided not to drink, he wouldnt even drink when i was staying with him - but he would eat french fries - I don't get it

 

I've heard a lot of excuses in my time, I'm in my 30s - we are not a couple of young kids. But to have a man say he wants to take it slow with someone who is visiting is one big head game and to play it back on me for being confused is a bigger head game

 

I recently texted him again, but I know leaving it is the best thing. No one will admit to being vain and it is simply a personal preference. Its just another form of rejection for me that I was already feeling

[TOtiger]

The shorter hair and weight gain might have affected his attraction for you somewhat.

The two don't (in my opinion) make a good combination, a short hair cut on a larger lady makes her head look smaller and her body look even bigger in comparison. Especially if it's something like a bob cut.

I should clarify. I would say the weight gain was a big change. I couldn't fit into the clothes now that I was wearing in the summer. The hair was from long to shoulder length. I don't think that was a big enough change in my attractiveness - but you never know. The guy is also an architect and very much about details. who knows, he can be that way about women too and something really turned him off. For example, I have a pear shaped body, always have. It has worked for me and usually men love grabbing my butt, they cant get enough because it's pretty big. this guy never grabbed it once. Which confused me as we shared a bed. I/m more convinced that he wasn't attracted to me and all i can take with that is to keep in mind that getting back into shape plays a bigger role in my dating life

[TOtiger]

I am pretty positive he wasn't attracted to you. If it was me in the situation,and you seemed to look different, I probably would have avoided

doing anything intimate with you by being "nice" and coy and hoping you would never make a move. Shyness isn't an excuse if somebody

visits you from out of town just to see you.

I'm seeing this point more clearly, and though that type of rejection totally sucks. Why would he literally straddle me and kiss me intimately in his apartment before we left for the airport?

That's what's bothering me the most.

 

If I was the guy in this situation, maybe I would of done it out of curiosity to just see what it would feel like knowing I wouldn't see that person again. It's not really fair knowing that they have feelings, but I too can be a selfish person.

 

We wont see each other again after this. But if a guy is saying he wants to try something new and take his time - how legit can that really be? He never asked what I wanted - and truly, I dont want a relationship because it would be long distance and I'm too old for that.

[Gaeta]

I'm seeing this point more clearly, and though that type of rejection totally sucks. Why would he literally straddle me and kiss me intimately in his apartment before we left for the airport?

That's what's bothering me the most.

 

If I was the guy in this situation, maybe I would of done it out of curiosity to just see what it would feel like knowing I wouldn't see that person again. It's not really fair knowing that they have feelings, but I too can be a selfish person.

 

We wont see each other again after this. But if a guy is saying he wants to try something new and take his time - how legit can that really be? He never asked what I wanted - and truly, I dont want a relationship because it would be long distance and I'm too old for that.

The last kiss he did because he knew it was too late to lead any further. Lets classify it as an ego thing. He was not going to let you go thinking he was completely asexual.

 

His taking things slow is an excuse. Shortly you will see him 'in a relationship with' someone new on FB.

 

Let it go, he was not attracted any longer for some reasons, he did not want to go into details why so gave you a random excuse. Typical in dating. I've change my mind about men often, do you think i tell them it's because they have a tiny d1ck? no, I give them a 'it's not you it's me' reason and life goes on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's obvious to me he wasn't into it, a guy isn't going to have you over for a number days like that then not initiate anything at all until the last day...which is more like a parting gift/gesture of relief at that point.

 

It could be another woman, he might feel guilty over/emotionally wrapped into or have some other drama going on...or just simply something about you was a real turn-off, not just your weight or short hair but something about you, like personality/behavior, something that irks him or just shuts him down...personally I've rejected sex for not being sexually attracted and other times I was attracted initially, but then they did something that just really put me off, and for me it's just like over with at that point, I'd still act respectfully and like a gentlemen about it and you'd likely never know it but I'm not going to initiate anything either.

 

I understand a lot of women would feel insecure about that, I guess for some it's just better when the guy plugs his nose and dives in, pretending he was actually into you because you were "worth" sleeping with "at least"...because we all know how high of a standard that is for most men! (which is like a step up from a rock) but I wouldn't personally suggest you take it too much to heart, you have no idea why he reacted that way and people always play on their own insecurities...like if that just HAS to be it because that's what you're insecure about...just be happy he respected you enough not to use you which maybe he just didn't want to complicate it or mislead you and was a good guy to you nonetheless, even if you were up for a short time thing and weren't going to feel used...for men, women often often emotionally attach even though they say they won't and just "looking for fun", it's usually just a ploy to get the ball rolling, every guy pretty much knows that, everything changes once the feelings kick in and then you've got the drama...so keep that in mind, it's not like women say something then do it, they typically say one thing then do another...not saying that men aren't liars or con-men either.

 

So I think at this point he'll just keep it on friendly terms, if he does make a move and try to get the ball rolling again...it's ego to string you a long or there was something going on in his life at the time that now he's over with so he's coming in for that rain check.

 

I think his bad move was having you fly over to stay with him a number of days, he should have visited you instead then he could have left if he had a change of heart...honestly I think most guys in that situation would've have just slept with you, even if they weren't really into it...just because you were there and they wouldn't want to make you feel bad, then detach/disappear once you're gone.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Can't help but think this is why it's a bad idea to basically imply that sex is a guarantee when you visit somebody who is almost a stranger for an extended period of time. Sure, a little flirting and stuff, maybe a hint, but to both be acting as though sex is a guarantee is a recipe for disaster. You just don't know what is going to happen in between booking the flights and the holiday. Four days is a LONG time, too.

 

I have been reading the story while swapping genders in my head, too. If a guy came to visit me for four days for whatever reason I wasn't into sex, I would be so angry and disgusted if he got annoyed/irritated at me, if he texted me after essentially demanding to know why I wouldn't give it up. The fact that he wasn't interested in making a move is all you need to know, really. If he wasn't feeling it, it's his prerogative to not go through with it. The 'why' doesn't really matter, all that matters is that he wasn't into it. The parting kissing seems a little like pity to me, after you brought it up.

 

I understand you're confused but you probably won't get the truth out of him anyway. I'm sure your ego has taken a massive hit and you are grasping for reasons to believe it's him, not you. I disagree that it's to do with the weight, personally... most people can put up with a 10lbs gain if they a) like the person's personality or b) just want to get laid. He probably just changed his mind. Maybe another woman, maybe personal circumstances, maybe worry in case you got attached or he got attached, maybe performance anxiety.

 

You're not gonna be seriously dating this guy, given the distance, and how it's already going, so you haven't lost anything. There must be tonnes of men in your immediate locality who'd love some casual fun with you. Whenever I've had a guy visit from a long distance, it has been a spoken agreement beforehand that sex may or MAY NOT happen, and I've made sure we have both agreed that it's okay and we will in that scenario still have fun enjoying each other's company. Obviously there would be disappointment but the caring, mature and adult thing to do would be to gracefully accept that the other person had a right to change their mind, and not try and get them to justify themselves. First time a guy came five hours to visit me, we just went for coffee. Ended up hanging out in my house and he didn't even try and kiss me. Turned out he really liked me and we ended up dating for a couple of months, but he said he wanted to take it slow, be respectful in my home towards me and not to rush things. I actually really respected that.

[mortensorchid]

Honestly, I don't buy that "I want to take things slow" answer. What he is really saying is "I want to keep it casual and not be tied to you". That is the post assessment of this weekend. As for his behavior during the weekend, I can say that I find it not just odd but he seemed to be giving you every reason or excuse as to how/why he doesn't want to be with you (your weight gain aside).

 

 

And quite honestly, I don't think you should have gone to see him in his city to begin with. If you were looking for a weekend with him for sex or whatever else, you showed him that you were interested in him enough to take you for granted. We all have dry spells, but you have to be reasonable about it as well. I knew a train wreck of a gal (not that I am comparing you with her by any means) who would fly all across America meeting guys she met on the Internet. One she flew all the way to California for to spend a long weekend with. At the end of the visit, he said he wasn't sure how he felt about things. And that he was now in love with this woman that he was sitting next to on an airplane for an hour and that was that. I said "Surely you are not going to be wasting any more time with a jackass like that are you?" but she didn't get it.

 

 

Put this up to "experience", and leave it at that.

[Tayken]

OP I get it. There is nothing worse for a woman than being rejected for sex. That stings because we all know that most men want to f-k anything.

 

Really...you know this how,perhaps you are getting boys mixed up with me? But, I then read what you had to say below, and that pretty much backs up my stance

 

It happened to me few years back. I questioned the guy in great detail (I cringe now thinking about it) and he said that he didn't feel the right vibe. I basically threw myself at him

 

I rest my case....perhaps it was the approach or that the guy just didn't want sex with you.......that's just madness isn't it, and he must be gay for now wanting to

[Eternal Sunshine]

Really...you know this how,perhaps you are getting boys mixed up with me? But, I then read what you had to say below, and that pretty much backs up my stance

 

 

 

I rest my case....perhaps it was the approach or that the guy just didn't want sex with you.......that's just madness isn't it, and he must be gay for now wanting to

 

After that incident I e-mailed the guy a bunch of links on ED. You should have seen the angry e-mail I got in response