SomeoneCA Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) My wife is a mess right now that I've said I want a divorce. I have another thread with all the reasons for what I want, but it's a decision I've made. However, now she has come begging back and said that she will do anything to keep me. She said she will do the following: Do whatever I want whenever I wantShe knows she made some serious mistake and wants to change her personality and coping mechanismsShe is ok with me seeking affection elsewhere if I'm not happy with her, short or long termIt's ok if I don't come home some nights or do anything I Want alone (travel, etc.)She just doesn't want me to move out, wants to sleep in the same bed, and doesn't want to get divorcedShe will sign an agreement that says if she divorces me, she gets nothing Can that work? From a selfish point of view, it seems ideal. I have a wife that will do anything for me and I have no worries about anything else. It's all the benefits of a wife with none of the downside. I'm so confused right now, she really threw me off with this. I know it's a desperation move, but part of me thinks that it might work. Edited February 19, 2014 by SomeoneCA
Gemini x Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Reading that makes me feel bad for your wife. She loves you that much that she'd endure hell just to be with you. How sad is that? Have you tried, REALLY TRIED, to get help for whatever issues she's having? If you truly want a divorce, then do it. Please do NOT take her up on this offer. I don't know your story, but my heart breaks for her. 1
pteromom Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 So she would be your silent slave? Your housekeeper and sex toy with no needs of her own to get in the way? Doesn't sound like much of a marriage. Either commit to fixing the problems in the marriage or move forward with the divorce. 2
Author SomeoneCA Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Reading that makes me feel bad for your wife. She loves you that much that she'd endure hell just to be with you. How sad is that? Have you tried, REALLY TRIED, to get help for whatever issues she's having? If you truly want a divorce, then do it. Please do NOT take her up on this offer. I don't know your story, but my heart breaks for her. Yes, we've really tried. Couples counseling, individual, over a few years. Me and even people in my family flat out telling her that she had things she needed to change (some conflicts with them). I feel bad for her too, I just want to end it so she can move on and start coping...but then she throws something like this at me. I told her that her life would be terrible in that situation, but she doesn't think it would be. She said that whatever makes the relationship work.
Gemini x Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Yes, we've really tried. Couples counseling, individual, over a few years. Me and even people in my family flat out telling her that she had things she needed to change (some conflicts with them). I feel bad for her too, I just want to end it so she can move on and start coping...but then she throws something like this at me. I told her that her life would be terrible in that situation, but she doesn't think it would be. She said that whatever makes the relationship work. Do you still love her? Are you still in love with her? Don't say no just because you may be tired at the moment. Is there any part of you that loves her enough that you WISH you could make it work? If so, I wouldn't give up. I'd do whatever it took to work something out. If not, if you've already emotionally checked out, then I'd leave and move on. I just hope you don't stay and do what she's offered. Do anything except that. We both know she couldn't handle knowing you're sleeping with another woman. Sad situation.
Never Again Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Yes, we've really tried. Couples counseling, individual, over a few years. Me and even people in my family flat out telling her that she had things she needed to change (some conflicts with them). I feel bad for her too, I just want to end it so she can move on and start coping...but then she throws something like this at me. I told her that her life would be terrible in that situation, but she doesn't think it would be. She said that whatever makes the relationship work. She's bargaining. If she knows she has things to fix, and you haven't entirely given up on her, then your only real response would be to tell her to fix what she needs to fix...that's the only thing that'll make the relationship work. What she's offering you just won't cut it. It's like duct taping a fender on. Sure, it's a quick fix that'll hold for a bit...but it takes real work with a real cost/investment to make it stay for the long haul. 1
changedlife Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 That sounds like a horrible life for anybody to live. She is afraid of being alone so much she is willing to sacrifice anything to get just to get close to you. I don't know her or what she is dealing with, I haven't seen your other thread yet... but she wouldn't be happy in that situation. It would be hell for her. Fix the problem with some more counseling if you can. You can get back that love you once had and possibly have a better marriage than you have ever had before. You both have to want it though. Best of luck. 1
Saurren Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I feel sad for the OP and his wife, and at the same time I can't ever see their relationship fixed at all. Especially with the suicide attempt holding him as a hostage. 1
Sandy99 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I read your other thread and part of your complaints about your wife is that she wants half your money and expects you to do half the housework. I am sorry but are you serious? Yes, that's called being married. You have to share responsibilities and money. Your wife is obviously very lonely too because she is in a foreign country. Some feel very disconnected and out of place in a new country and it's hard for them to make friends. I am sorry, but I am a bit disgusted by this thread. Your wife is suicidal and all you can think about is how a new arrangement might suit you in the end and if it will benefit YOU. If nobody has told you this, you are sounding pretty self centered. Also your wife is going through some serious problems. She's not your employee or slave. She is your wife. You married her. You need to start having more respect for this woman. Consider half "your money" hers and start picking up a broom and doing half of YOUR house work. I don't know you....but I feel really bad for this woman. Try to empathize with her more and understand her pain. You need to get some professional help for you and your wife and stop trying to figure out how new arrangements will suit you. Your wife is really suffering here. 7
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Harsh honesty here - If you accept her arrangement you are not a good person. What you would be doing is taking advantage of her and using her for your own benefit. That is a disgusting way to live life and if you had any shred of decency, you would agree. Your wife is not in her right mind and she needs help. The fact that you are even considering this option is concerning. Don't do it. 4
soccerrprp Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 My wife is a mess right now that I've said I want a divorce. I have another thread with all the reasons for what I want, but it's a decision I've made. However, now she has come begging back and said that she will do anything to keep me. She said she will do the following: Do whatever I want whenever I wantShe knows she made some serious mistake and wants to change her personality and coping mechanismsShe is ok with me seeking affection elsewhere if I'm not happy with her, short or long termIt's ok if I don't come home some nights or do anything I Want alone (travel, etc.)She just doesn't want me to move out, wants to sleep in the same bed, and doesn't want to get divorcedShe will sign an agreement that says if she divorces me, she gets nothing Can that work? From a selfish point of view, it seems ideal. I have a wife that will do anything for me and I have no worries about anything else. It's all the benefits of a wife with none of the downside. I'm so confused right now, she really threw me off with this. I know it's a desperation move, but part of me thinks that it might work. YOU ARE AN A$$, sir. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Did you not also partially blame yourself for "pushing" her to the suicide attempt? So then why would you consider putting your wife in a situation that would mess with her emotions in such a twisted way? She's mentally unstable. Ethics aside, are you willing to risk the consequences of continually contributing to her mental anguish? I have a feeling you know what the right decision is... At least I hope you do. 1
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 A marriage should be a partnership, not indentured servitude. She definitely needs some counseling. I hope after you divorce her, or even before, she gets some big-time help. It is sad that she is willing to completely be a nothing to you in order to stay in your life. Ugh. She has no self-worth at all. Sad. 1
Author SomeoneCA Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I read your other thread and part of your complaints about your wife is that she wants half your money and expects you to do half the housework. I am sorry but are you serious? Yes, that's called being married. You have to share responsibilities and money. Your wife is obviously very lonely too because she is in a foreign country. Some feel very disconnected and out of place in a new country and it's hard for them to make friends. I am sorry, but I am a bit disgusted by this thread. Your wife is suicidal and all you can think about is how a new arrangement might suit you in the end and if it will benefit YOU. If nobody has told you this, you are sounding pretty self centered. Also your wife is going through some serious problems. She's not your employee or slave. She is your wife. You married her. You need to start having more respect for this woman. Consider half "your money" hers and start picking up a broom and doing half of YOUR house work. I don't know you....but I feel really bad for this woman. Try to empathize with her more and understand her pain. You need to get some professional help for you and your wife and stop trying to figure out how new arrangements will suit you. Your wife is really suffering here. She doesn't work. If someone doesn't work, my expectation would be for them to do the house work. I don't believe that is unreasonable. And also keep in touch with family, treat my kid with respect, etc. I'm not here to defend my decision to get divorced. Her family, my family, and me all agree that she has some serious issues and that I'm not crazy for the decisions I've made and what I've requested in terms of assets. I appreciate the position you're taking, but all the details aren't there. I tried helping for a long time, but patience has run out. I won't continue to make myself miserable because of someone else. And like I said before, this isn't a decision I reached on my own, it's supported even by her own parents.
Author SomeoneCA Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Did you not also partially blame yourself for "pushing" her to the suicide attempt? So then why would you consider putting your wife in a situation that would mess with her emotions in such a twisted way? She's mentally unstable. Ethics aside, are you willing to risk the consequences of continually contributing to her mental anguish? I have a feeling you know what the right decision is... At least I hope you do. I felt guilt afterwards. After attending some therapy and talking with others about it, I think the guilt was misplaced. Her parents even said they should have done a better job raising her to not be so spoiled. I think the right decision is just let her go. I hope it doesn't lead to further attempts by her, but it'll probably be best in the end for everyone.
Author SomeoneCA Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 A marriage should be a partnership, not indentured servitude. She definitely needs some counseling. I hope after you divorce her, or even before, she gets some big-time help. It is sad that she is willing to completely be a nothing to you in order to stay in your life. Ugh. She has no self-worth at all. Sad. This is what I try to tell her and her friends tell her. No guy is worth doing what she's proposing...she needs to have more confidence to walk away on her own. It makes her more attractive that way. But it seems like I'll have to make that decision for her. As tempting as it might be to be in the situation she describes.
CaliBabe Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Leaving the relationship is the right decision for everyone in the end. Please do what is right. Let her and yourself find happiness elsewhere.
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