stack of breadcrumbs

[JunkYardDog]

The last two weeks she has ramped up the breadcrumbs after hearing nothing from her for 5 weeks since last contact. 5 breadcrumbs in two weeks.....Her first was a how are you doing text, then a email a week later about concern for me because my grass is looking bad(!?), then a call the next day. This last weekend a email about wanting to know if Id be interested hearing about some bible study shes going to, then yesterday another email saying that she really wants to know how I am doing that i was a big part of her life for 3 1/2 years and she would love to know how I am.

 

Am still NC, 7 weeks now, Ive ignored them all. No regret, remorse, apologies for anything like how she dumped me two weeks after my dad died in Nov right before the holidays and threw her new man in my face with all sorts of details about them.

 

I will entertain responding if she comes clean, am I doing the right thing?

[lvroflife]

You absolutely are DOING EVERYTHING right!! You two are not friends so why does she need to know anything that is going on in your life right now?

 

Especially her timing of breaking up! I know there is no right time to do it, but after a family members death, and to throw the new dude in your face. Sounds to me like new dude is not doing what you did for her and he is not holding up his end! Sounds like the rebound excitment is wearing off and she is seeing what life is like without you!

 

I wouldn't say a word, if you are healed and moved on!! Only way I would respond is if she said "I am sorry for what I did, I miss you, I want to talk and tell you everything, and possibly work things out". Even still I would make her work, but still may not take her back due to TRUST

[JunkYardDog]

I am nowhere near being healed, thats the hard part. It was brutal to me, still is, but the more I am NC, the more I do not respond, the stronger I am feeling. She thinks one liners will make me magically forget what she did without any serious work on her part. Its insult on top of injury.

[lvroflife]

Then unless she says "I am sorry, I miss you and want to try and work this out" Keep doing you!

 

She is trying to see where she stands with you! Keep strong and keep it moving! And only respond if those words either appear on your screen or come out her mouth!

[JunkYardDog]

Her typing "you were such a big part of my life for 3 1/2 years..." hurts, its past tense. I was..... No still are, still want, nothing. It implies she is over me and still happy with the new guy. But why would someone say that then want to know how their x who they viciously dumped is doing after 7 weeks?

[lvroflife]

All it implies is that she remembers you two were together for that amount of time! If she were truly happy with the New Dude why is she reaching out to you? Think about it.... now I am not saying she is coming back, all I am saying is that she is thinking about you.

 

Is she over you? Who knows... only she does. But the fact she is reaching means she is not feeling newbie as much!! The highs of the rebound are coming down. You keep staying NC and in time you will see her true motives. If she really wants she will make every effort to get you!

 

But we are not focused on that! We are focused on you doing you, being an even better man than you were when with her! Being the BEST MAN you can be for YOU!!

[JunkYardDog]

Thanks lvr, I appreciate your responses.

I know you're right it's just a damn struggle, don't know why.

 

Anyone else have any thoughts?

[changedlife]

Yeah... it sounds like she is stringing you along. Maybe she feels a slight bit of guilt or loneliness but unless she comes out and says that in an email or something like that I wouldn't risk the pain again. I'll admit that I strung my ex around for a few months. I was really messed up during this time and hurt her greatly. Now I think about how I treated her everyday and greive over it. It literally gives me nightmares and makes me have panic attacks during the day. If she really felt bad about what she did... she would let you know. I let my ex know... but it still didn't make me feel any better.

[Simon Phoenix]

You should block her number, email and social media (Facebook, etc.) if it's affecting you. It's better not to get breadcrumbs, even when you don't respond to them, then to get them.

[Caliguy30]

I agree with Simon. The best thing about blocking her number is that if she isn't texting you you don't know, but if she is you don't know either. Eliminates the hurt of not knowing if she's texting you or over analyzing the breadcrumbs. Trust me, you commented on my thread so you know what I'm going through also, I would be over analyzing the heck out of a breadcrumb right now. The fact that my phone is silent is because I choose for it to be that way and the only people who contact me are those who support me and know what I am going through. Stay Strong we are all here.

[Chi townD]

then yesterday another email saying that she really wants to know how I am doing that i was a big part of her life for 3 1/2 years and she would love to know how I am.

 

 

 

I will entertain responding if she comes clean, am I doing the right thing?

 

There's one bold word in your post you REALLY should take to heart.

 

I wouldn't entertain anything. Just move on. She's breadcrumbing you to death and rubbing this new guy in your face. Why the hell would you even WANT to entertain a conversation?

[Virgil876]

Yeah, do what you've been doing. I guess you're lucky she feels bad, my ex never felt bad, instead she uses whatever she wants to justify her actions.

[JunkYardDog]

Well, I blocked her last night and now Im having second thoughts. Here I am asking what to do and then blocking her. I wanted her so bad to reach out and when she did I didnt want anything to do with her unless it was an all out apology, which it wasnt. Then I think who is going to say that right away without testing the waters? I loved this woman more than anything and even though she did what she did I still do for some very strange reason. I dont know what is worse, hearing from her, not responding and it deeply affecting me or doing what I did and cutting her off completely knowing that shes reaching out.

 

I know I cant be friends with her and who she really is the way she brutally dumped me when I needed her the most but still I wonder why she would even throw so many breadcrumbs after doing that to me.

[Caliguy30]

Junkyard, trust me, it is better to not receive the breadcrumbs. The worst feeling is not having it blocked and then not receiving anything once it stops. As an outsider and have sympathy for the timing of her breakup in your life as well as the comments about her new guy. Dude, you deserve so much better as well as I do. To have two tramatic events in our lives and the person who you have helped be there for and love basically kicks you while your down. UNFORGIVEABLE.

 

Just like Green Street Hooligans "I'd don't care who he is or what he's done, you don't ever do a guy on the deck." Don't ever kick someone while they're down. It goes against all the rules of being a good human. I can't even tell you how many times I was tired of her BS and her next problem where all I wanted was out. Was her dad sick, no, but I stuck around because I thought things would get better.

 

Stay Strong Man, block the number. "Sometimes you just gotta say F it, can't worry about this S**T life goes on" the Dude Abides.

[JunkYardDog]

Thanks cali, I just feel so confused man. Its blocked but I still am having second thoughts.

 

I need to hear from you guys, it will help knowing for sure I did the right thing.

[Chi townD]

She made a choice and that choice was to have you out of her life. She even told you in so many words that she valued this other guy more than you (.i.e. sleeping with him. Walking around in bra, panties and heels because she knows HE likes it...). Therefore, you are giving her exactly what she wanted, you gone so she can move on to this douchebag. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too! She either has 100% of you or nothing at all!

 

Stay motivated, get mad at the gall of her! Stay NC and move on!

[Winter blue]

The fact that she is still with the new guy, yet been contacting you behind his back is worth thinking. She might be missing you, but her behaviour is not attractive and if she can do this to him, who do you think she will be contacting if you two were still in a relationship.

 

My ex is doing something similar to me, even weirder. have a look at my threads if you want. The point is, as long as the new guy is still around, I won't speak a word with her. I don't want being a part of it and neither shoudln't you OP.

[JunkYardDog]

Am really struggling with this still.

 

Maybe some background will help get some more responses.

 

It was a toxic relationship, she displayed heavy signs of having a personality disorder (NPD). I know people here frown on finger pointing and diagnosing that but if it walks, looks, quacks and waddles like one,,,well you know the story and I have researched it till I am blue in the face. Its the craziest thing you could imagine and unless you have gone through it, its impossible to know what it does to you and your well being. Its like a normal breakup times 100 on steroids. Let just say this isnt my first time on the dance floor, not to tell my age but I could have kids in college. That makes it even crazier, I should know better but like I said, until you see and go through it face to face, you have no idea. I never knew people like this ever existed. To have someone mistreat you so badly then be broken and crave this person so bad is debilitating. Totally mind blowing. The fact that I dont have a good support system (friends/family) just makes it worse.

 

She lives down the street which just adds to it all as well. I live in a small town and there are triggers everywhere from the places we used to go, to the neighboorhood itself. Even talking to my neighbor across the street I think I am going to see her drive by ( I live on the 'main drag' in and out of our little community) and Im constantly in a hype state of awareness.

 

It makes me feel like a pussy, here I am going through and acting like this, especially at my age, while she doesnt think about it nor care at all for one second of her day.

 

Thats why I am here, I need you guys for help to start to really heal and get back who I am and who I deserve to be. Any thoughts or responses help. I sure do appreciate it. Thanks.

Edited February 22, 2014 by JunkYardDog

[lvroflife]

We got you my man!!

 

Although it is hard you have to stop thinking about what she is thinking... What she is hinking is the least of your concerns...

 

And age doesn't matter because on this site we age from 17-77 and are all heart broken!! Vent away here bro!!

 

I have been struggling really bad for 2 days! I want to reach out and text or call her, I want to reconcile...out the blue I was dumped so I have a ton of questions... But I am confident because I treat her VERY DAMN well, better than any of her exes... read my story and see bro!! But you got your support right here!!

[Feeorin]

I read your post and had to reply. My ex is also a narcissit. It's extremely toxic. He dumped me outta the blue a month ago, no apparent reason at all... Six year relationship, mother to his child. There is no understanding people who lack empathy. His life has carried on regardless, no remorse, no communication and my life was broken. I've only just started to heal and get stronger.

 

Like you, I have researched it all. Realised 4 years into the relationship that his behaviour was not right. Silent treatment, coming and going as he pleased, avoidance of talking about adult things, calling me psychotic when I tried to set healthy boundaries... I have heard it all. And worst of all I believed that he actually did love me. But they can't and they don't. It's a childhood issue - where their needs haven't been met and so they create a false sense of self. Everything that you know about them is all an illusion. They mimic you, give you your ideal soul mate, and once you are hooked, they start devaluing you until the final discard. We have broken up 3 times before.

 

If I can give you any advice, cos I sure as hell know what you are feeling. I have been there... And it has killed me to an extent I never thought possible. You have to move on... They will never seek therapy becos they don't believe they have problems. You will just carry on with this emotional roller coaster until they suck your soul completely and leave you a fragment of your former self.

 

Research:

Emotional vampires

Cognitive dissonance

Narcissit supplies

Narcissit hoovering

Narcissit relationship agenda (idealisation, devalue and discard)

Narcissit ploy and tactics

Narcissit - managing down our relationship expectations

Narcissistic Chaos - Creating Turmoil on Purpose

Silent treatment with a narc...

I could give you more, but once you hit these sites... They will lead you to others.

 

I believe he will be back. And I'm hoping by then, I will have the strength to tell him to get ****ed. I am not angry with anything he has done. In fact I actually pity him. To go through life as an emotionless con artist who has no regard for anyone... Is hell in itself. So if you really believe she has narcissit tendencies, the best thing for you to do is move on... Don't waste your life hoping the woman you love will return. Remember she never actually existed in the first place... It totally Sucks, but it is what it is... And you are left wondering who this person is when just a few months back she was so loving and affectionate.

 

Ah... I so know how u feel and truly emphasise. Pick up your life, and move on. It's all Emotional abuse at the end of the day and you shouldn't have to compromise yourself to make someone else get better...

[Feeorin]

Contact me if u can... Or send me Ur email. I'll send u what I have...

[JunkYardDog]

Thanks lvr and feeorin, I really appreciate your support.

 

feeorin: Thanks for the search list, unfortunately I have already gone down that path. I think I have watched, read, been to every blog/you tube video/site there is on this f'd up condition. You understand how heartwrenching it is. Personally I dont feel bad or pity for her at all. How can you feel bad for a manipulating, lying , scheming robot? If someone socks you in the face do you think 'its not their fault, they just have an anger issue'? They know what they do, just dont care about anything but themselves is all.

 

But there is where the problem lies, the trauma bond. The same person responsible for causing so much agony and pain is the one who holds the key to make it go away. Your brain has been conditioned to receive the oxycotin and peptides that they give you and when it is cut off it doesnt know what to do. It craves and wants it so bad that it forgets who this person is thats caused it.

 

Like I said before, unless you have gone through this it is basically impossible to understand and relate to it. Sure, I allowed it to happen by not having healthy boundaries and being a people pleaser. So it falls on me and the introspection that I need to do and change in my life but that doesnt take away the mind f%$& that is going on right now.

 

In my situation it was compounded by the death of my dad. The timing she did it really was the worst possible for me. I was very close to him, was his caretaker. So to lose him and her, two people I loved deeply at the same time, has been so difficult words cant even explain. And the way she did it, right before the holidays, throwing her new man in my face like that. That alone should make me so pissed off nothing else should matter, to be so heartless to someone when they need you the most is tragic....but, I digress, it doesnt. Totally sad situation. I need to keep reminding myself about that. who does that? Not even a stranger would kick you like that when you are down. Yet I still think about her, how f'd up is that?

 

Chi town is right, she asked for it, so let her have it. Typing and reading this is getting me pissed, f that heartless slimeball POS. I need to learn, rack it up, no one said life is fair or easy. At least I know I can love someone, that love isnt some word used to get what I want. Its something that bonds two people together no matter what., but two is the key. It cant just be one person who feels this way.

 

I would like to email you or PM but I cant since the site wont let me until whenever and I dont want to put my email here. Thanks again for your reply.

[Caliguy30]

Junkyard- I know what you're feeling from my own situation. Feel like I have been sucked dry and left for dead. Friends just tell me get over it, but it's much more difficult than that. Sleepless nights and trying to force myself to eat. I basically have to force myself to eat when I'm happy so that when I'm sad and don't feel like it I can get through. The lying and everything. Reading about them mirroring yourself so you think you're with someone so special. I know she is already with someone else. Haha this loser who has nothing going for him is in for one hell of a ride. In the end she's going to do the same thing to him. I expect her to be upset about my NC and I'm assuming she is going to try to reach out somehow, but I just hope I'm ready with my guard up to have her leave my life for good. The day she is figuratively speaking "dead to me," it will be a very good day. I'm going to celebrate.

[Feeorin]

Ah Ye, I know it all too well... That drug feeling. It's really hard. I've lost about 6kgs since the split, I don't want to eat, I can't sleep either (taking pills to try help). I have sobbed my heart out with all of this, and still continue to get teary eyed when thinking about how he ended our relationship. It's the not comprehending that gets to me. I felt I at least deserved a proper explanation. But I got nothing. I was thrown away like a piece of trash, and he sits talking to some new girl late into the hours. I will never understand why or what happened, but I know too that I will never get closure from him. He's a coward who lives in his own fantasy world and when I started* calling him out on his behaviours, he walked. He didn't want to deal with it all...

 

I don't know what to suggest anymore. Sometimes I think he will be back, but then I realise that I can't keep on sacrificing my own self worth for a relationship that's toxic. And this is why I need to keep strong. The reason I have forgiven him is not to let him off the hook, it's for my own sanity. If I harbour hate and resentment - he wins. Narcs love that you suffer remember. Those breadcrumbs you get aren't anything more than them toying with your heart and making sure you don't heal. They are keeping their narc supply on call for when the other relationship fails. I get that all now. So forgiving is for myself more than anything. You should try it too. For you.

 

Look into researching cord cutting techniques. This allows you to break the spiritual bonds that you have formed with someone you love. Even though you are not together, the fact you are obsessing is because your connection hasn't been severed. She will continue to drain you and your energy, even without you realising it. I've done it a few times already... And will continue until the day I feel complete indifference towards my ex.

 

Another thing that keeps me going, like you and cali, is that I know I have a heart and will eventually have a healthy decent relationship... He never will. He will carry on living a sad empty existence. I have heard narcissism breeds narcissism, so my focus is now on giving my kid a balanced loving environment and to make sure he doesn't influence her in anyway. They are pathological - meaning they treat all their relationships the same. If he breaks her like he did me, I will have to pick up the pieces.

 

So please keep strong. I'm sorry about your father and how she ended your relationship shortly afterwards, but know you are way better than her. Remember it's a personality disorder. They're react to survive and it's not logical to us normal people. If you have done your research you know already that it will always be a toxic relationship and things will never improve. Never! It will be the same viscious cycle over and over again, and eventually you will lose yourself... Don't give her the pleasure of knowing you are going through hell.

 

Chin up guys... Let's be better than them, and talk here rather than breaking NC... OK?

[Caliguy30]

Reading these posts is what keeps me going. I know I'm a good person and we all seem like good people. Sucks that we are all here feeling like we tried so hard and the other person couldn't see the greatness inside us. Every day is a struggle making sure to not break NC, but wondering what she's doing or if she is thinking about me. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and he said we all try to save one girl and think she will realize they deserve better than what they give themselves credit for and I guess I found mine haha. How many times I had to say to her that I wished she saw herself as wonderful as I do. In the end it doesn't matter. They can live their lives however they please and all I know is that I will not subject myself to that torture again. People say she will come back, and while I'm hoping she does so I can turn her down, no matter what nothing she says matters I can't believe a word she says. She took some online classes told me she got straight A's, well I found her report card when we were together definitely got an F and two C's. Just don't understand all the lying it really just does not make sense. She can go be with her scumbag rebound. In the end she'll find someone who can't love her and I'll be happy with a woman I love and who loves me.