daisy123 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 We still see each other. He is in denial to his kids, well I can understand that one. He had his phone microwaved by BS So we just meet on arrangement. However I had a moment of weakness and called him when his BS was not there but his kid was, unbeknown to me. He was more than rude. I was needing to talk to him but he obviously was letting his 17 year old think I was chasing him. I guess it is best for her. What other outcome would I expect. She is at a vulnerable age. But she will find out later the truth I am sure, and then what. The next morning he came looking for me. He said he was totally crazy and said some crazy stuff and we are meeting tomorrow. What to do. I know despite d day I do not want to hurt his kid or let her know we are in love and neither does he. He had said months ago he was worried she said she would commit suicide. I think it was a time when she thought they would split. Six years is hard to give up. But I knew he would look for me.
woinlove Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 6 years is hard to give, but so is 8 years or 10 years. How long are you willing to give this or are you happy to stay in this affair 10 or more years? He said he doesn't want to leave because of his grandchild and there's a good chance he will have more grandchildren in the future. I don't think your prospects of having anything but a secret affair with him sound very good. On his children, it is sad that he has a teen daughter whose life has been disrupted by his affair. Hopefully she will get some counselling to deal with this. If you want to help her, the best thing would be to end the affair. If you are not willing to do that, then don't call him at home or anytime he might be with his daughter or other children. They don't deserve that. 4
ladydesigner Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 It's the A's that carry on after a Dday that I will never understand. 4
Fluttershy Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 He thinks if he leaves his wife will kill herself? But he already had a DDay and is continuing the affair? How really concerned with her killing herself is he? Or his daughter cuttin him off? Or your feelings? He may love you but are you happy with his love? He loves himself more than anything else. You really need to work on yor self esteem issues and why being second or third or fourth choice is enough for you. Why you are taking his crumbs like they are gourmet dinner. 4
experiencethedevine Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 He thinks if he leaves his wife will kill herself? But he already had a DDay and is continuing the affair? How really concerned with her killing herself is he? Or his daughter cuttin him off? Or your feelings? He may love you but are you happy with his love? He loves himself more than anything else. You really need to work on yor self esteem issues and why being second or third or fourth choice is enough for you. Why you are taking his crumbs like they are gourmet dinner. Quite............ It appears this 'man' is particularly charming (????).... what a wonderful catch............... 1
georgia girl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Daisy, Very gently because I sense you are hurting, I would like to share a very small bit of how it feels to be the child - including teen-aged child - of a parent who just found out Dad is cheating. It wrecks your world. It rocks your very foundation. Whether your parents had problems or not, that wasn't something you ever thought would happen. You are suddenly grossed out by your own father. It was hard enough to think about your parents having sex let alone thinking about your dad having sex with another woman. And then you're angry with both of them because you found out and now you have to deal with something you should have never known about. You are embarrassed - you think everyone at school knows - and you're worried about your future. Where will you live? Will your parents divorce? Is there enough money for college? You start trying to fix your parents marriage. No kid should ever be in that position. And you are so very hurt. Your whole family is being ripped apart. You want to save your parents' marriage, you want to destroy the woman he's involved with and you really just stop functioning for a little bit. My dad's other women called the house and my sister answered. It was horrible. I don't know if he saw her after that, but that day was absolutely horrific in our household. I know you love this man and have invested six years of your life. I know that he is your whole world. I don't expect that in your hurt you can truly feel much empathy for a daughter who would be crushed. I ask you to try. In your perspective, yes, there will be hurt if he goes home and announces he's in love with another woman and leaves. But, as you see it, everyone eventually heals. That's not how she sees it. That may never be how she sees it. To you, its the end of one relationship and the acknowledgment of another. To her, its shattering her family into pieces. It would be the absolute worst thing that could happen and unfortunately, you will be blamed. It's just how the hurt soul works. We can forgive the one we love; the one we don't know is so much harder to forgive. As you move forward, you will make choices about your relationship. I don't offer an opinion of what you should do. I simply ask that you recall yourself at that age and you think of this girl and her feelings. Best of luck, GG 11
Snipercatt Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Daisy, I'm sorry for your pain. I know that you know there are all kinds of ways he could have handled your call without humiliating you, but he chose to throw you under the bus. You can meet, you can talk, you can whatever, but he's showing you that his past behavior is indicative of his future behavior. There is more pain to follow. I'm NOT buying thecell phone being microwaved story. Who would do that and potentally harm their microwave besides blow up the phone? Google the videos regarding microwaving a cell phone, you'll be skeptical after watching those. Throwing it in a sink full of water, maybe, but microwaving it? More likely you've been blocked, OR he obtaind a new number. If something seems not to be probable, it probably isn't. Edited February 20, 2014 by Snipercatt typos 2
rumbleseat Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Let me get this straight. This guy's daughter expressed thoughts of suicide and he continues the A? That is just plain sick, seriously, how can you not see that as a glaring red flag? It shows that he puts himself first and foremost. If you had a child, and they made a statement like that, would you risk their long term mental health and possibly their life? I would hope the answer is " no". As for you thinking he told his wife/ kids you are chasing him? You called his house, knowing the uproar it would cause, because you "had" to talk to him. What do you call that? Hanging back? I know you are hurting, but it's starting to sound as if you are having trouble seeing things as they really are, and the longer you let this go on, the worse it's going to get. I would suggest that you get some counselling to figure out why you are willing to put up with this unhealthy treatment. 7
Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can't believe his kids know. I know for a fact that if DDay came for me, or if roles were reversed and I found out he had an affair, we would never ever let our kids find out. Children cannot process adult issues and they shouldn't have to. 2
Owl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can't believe his kids know. I know for a fact that if DDay came for me, or if roles were reversed and I found out he had an affair, we would never ever let our kids find out. Children cannot process adult issues and they shouldn't have to. You can't possibly know for sure what the kids will or will not learn. Often, they're the ones that catch the WS, and result in d-day. Even if they aren't directly told what's going on...they see much more than most people realize, and are very likely to have a better concept of what's going on than you'd likely expect. 5
Nattie Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Well, mine wouldn't because the only way we contact each other is by cell, and nobody touches my phone. As an adult now, I'm amazed at the things my mother was able to keep from us kids in regards to my fathers physical/drug abuse.
bentleychic Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can't believe his kids know. I know for a fact that if DDay came for me, or if roles were reversed and I found out he had an affair, we would never ever let our kids find out. Children cannot process adult issues and they shouldn't have to. Don't be so sure. I've seen so many cases of the betrayed spouse getting the child involved and telling them the whole story (or what they know of it). Once you get involved with a married person (or you as a married person get involved with someone), D-day and what happens about that part of the story is somewhat out of your hands. 3
rumbleseat Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Don't be so sure. I've seen so many cases of the betrayed spouse getting the child involved and telling them the whole story (or what they know of it). Once you get involved with a married person (or you as a married person get involved with someone), D-day and what happens about that part of the story is somewhat out of your hands. The secret really can get out, and once it does, the effects can spread so quickly you have no real chance to stop them. All it takes in one careless action or word, one person putting one and one together or just a gut feeling. There's also no hard and fast rule for how kids handle it. Some seem to go into a state of shock, some become terribly upset, some don't really understand what is happening and some take it incredibly hard. 2
Owl Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 We He had his phone microwaved by BS ( I've got to say, I've gone back and re-read this post several times just to read this part again...it cracks me UP!!! All I can think to say to this is "You go, girl!". That's some funny stuff there. My only caution to you, Daisy, is to remember that if he can lie about you...he can lie to you. I don't know how you maintain trust in this kind of circumstance, especially after he threw you under the bus when on the phone with you in front of his daughter. That would be tremendously hurtful for most people.
ladydesigner Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 The secret really can get out, and once it does, the effects can spread so quickly you have no real chance to stop them. All it takes in one careless action or word, one person putting one and one together or just a gut feeling. There's also no hard and fast rule for how kids handle it. Some seem to go into a state of shock, some become terribly upset, some don't really understand what is happening and some take it incredibly hard. My daugther found out on Dday due to the tension and my reaction when I first found out. She overheard and I did not protect her. I was a mess. I feel bad to this day for my reaction but I had no coping skills or training to handle the emotional trauma. My daughter also informed me that she had intercepted texts from MOW when she played on her daddy's phone. My son knows but doesn't understand, only because kids talk. I have sat down and explained that daddy hurt mommy and we have had therapy since. Neither of my kids seemed upset, I'm assuming because of the age, 9 and 6, but they did seem afraid that we would split and have had lots of acting out and behavioral problems that we are still dealing with,
experiencethedevine Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 My daugther found out on Dday due to the tension and my reaction when I first found out. She overheard and I did not protect her. I was a mess. I feel bad to this day for my reaction but I had no coping skills or training to handle the emotional trauma. My daughter also informed me that she had intercepted texts from MOW when she played on her daddy's phone. My son knows but doesn't understand, only because kids talk. I have sat down and explained that daddy hurt mommy and we have had therapy since. Neither of my kids seemed upset, I'm assuming because of the age, 9 and 6, but they did seem afraid that we would split and have had lots of acting out and behavioral problems that we are still dealing with, I can't believe his kids know. I know for a fact that if DDay came for me, or if roles were reversed and I found out he had an affair, we would never ever let our kids find out. Children cannot process adult issues and they shouldn't have to. A colleague relayed to me the demise of her long term affair out of desperation one day. Her 14 year old daughter had borrowed her phone without asking and had found messages from her other man. She blew the whistle on her Mother and gave the information she found to her Father. They are now divorced. The teenager reacted adversely, and is still suffering the effects of the fallout. If one is careless enough to become embroiled in a clandestine liaison, then one should also be prepared for the fallout when it becomes evident to those who have been kept in the dark. Children, as Owl rightly alludes to, DO have a profound sense of an altered atmosphere in their home environment and can be witness to that while parents are distracted by their own dilemma's. 2
georgia girl Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 In my case, the OW called our house and told my sister when my dad refused to speak to her. Recently, one of my friends told another mutual friend. Not realizing the kids didn't know, she told her son (a senior) to watch out for her friend's daughter )a junior) and he told her by accident, though it turned out well for this family. The daughter had suspected and was able to talk to both parents. I just don't think you can assume kids won't find out. Just like a spouse picks up on clues, so do kids. 1
janedoe67 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Daisy, Very gently because I sense you are hurting, I would like to share a very small bit of how it feels to be the child - including teen-aged child - of a parent who just found out Dad is cheating. It wrecks your world. It rocks your very foundation. Whether your parents had problems or not, that wasn't something you ever thought would happen. You are suddenly grossed out by your own father. It was hard enough to think about your parents having sex let alone thinking about your dad having sex with another woman. And then you're angry with both of them because you found out and now you have to deal with something you should have never known about. You are embarrassed - you think everyone at school knows - and you're worried about your future. Where will you live? Will your parents divorce? Is there enough money for college? You start trying to fix your parents marriage. No kid should ever be in that position. And you are so very hurt. Your whole family is being ripped apart. You want to save your parents' marriage, you want to destroy the woman he's involved with and you really just stop functioning for a little bit. My dad's other women called the house and my sister answered. It was horrible. I don't know if he saw her after that, but that day was absolutely horrific in our household. I know you love this man and have invested six years of your life. I know that he is your whole world. I don't expect that in your hurt you can truly feel much empathy for a daughter who would be crushed. I ask you to try. In your perspective, yes, there will be hurt if he goes home and announces he's in love with another woman and leaves. But, as you see it, everyone eventually heals. That's not how she sees it. That may never be how she sees it. To you, its the end of one relationship and the acknowledgment of another. To her, its shattering her family into pieces. It would be the absolute worst thing that could happen and unfortunately, you will be blamed. It's just how the hurt soul works. We can forgive the one we love; the one we don't know is so much harder to forgive. As you move forward, you will make choices about your relationship. I don't offer an opinion of what you should do. I simply ask that you recall yourself at that age and you think of this girl and her feelings. Best of luck, GG If THIS post doesn't inspire empathy in even the most hard-hearted person of entitlement, then that person likely has no conscience at all. 2
janedoe67 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 I can't believe his kids know. I know for a fact that if DDay came for me, or if roles were reversed and I found out he had an affair, we would never ever let our kids find out. Children cannot process adult issues and they shouldn't have to. Perhaps if adults did not act like selfish, entitled, hormonal children, children woul not be faced with the possibility of having to process adult issues. 3
experiencethedevine Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Daisy, Very gently because I sense you are hurting, I would like to share a very small bit of how it feels to be the child - including teen-aged child - of a parent who just found out Dad is cheating. It wrecks your world. It rocks your very foundation. Whether your parents had problems or not, that wasn't something you ever thought would happen. You are suddenly grossed out by your own father. It was hard enough to think about your parents having sex let alone thinking about your dad having sex with another woman. And then you're angry with both of them because you found out and now you have to deal with something you should have never known about. You are embarrassed - you think everyone at school knows - and you're worried about your future. Where will you live? Will your parents divorce? Is there enough money for college? You start trying to fix your parents marriage. No kid should ever be in that position. And you are so very hurt. Your whole family is being ripped apart. You want to save your parents' marriage, you want to destroy the woman he's involved with and you really just stop functioning for a little bit. My dad's other women called the house and my sister answered. It was horrible. I don't know if he saw her after that, but that day was absolutely horrific in our household. I know you love this man and have invested six years of your life. I know that he is your whole world. I don't expect that in your hurt you can truly feel much empathy for a daughter who would be crushed. I ask you to try. In your perspective, yes, there will be hurt if he goes home and announces he's in love with another woman and leaves. But, as you see it, everyone eventually heals. That's not how she sees it. That may never be how she sees it. To you, its the end of one relationship and the acknowledgment of another. To her, its shattering her family into pieces. It would be the absolute worst thing that could happen and unfortunately, you will be blamed. It's just how the hurt soul works. We can forgive the one we love; the one we don't know is so much harder to forgive. As you move forward, you will make choices about your relationship. I don't offer an opinion of what you should do. I simply ask that you recall yourself at that age and you think of this girl and her feelings. Best of luck, GG This, from such a profound place, should be entitled to a thread of its own Georgia girl. I truly wish those who really need to look at this would take it to heart and recognise the trauma they cause long after dday. It epitomises the destruction that those involved with married people refuse to see happening to someone's family. The refusal to acknowledge that one is in any way responsible for the damage that WILL be lifelong to the children of the married man/woman is the biggest and most blind hypocrisy of all. It reminded me of something my husband relayed to me about his other woman many moons ago. He told me that on one of the many occasions she had tried to enforce his exit from our marriage, that she had told him his children would 'get over it' and our youngest would be sure to want to live with her Father in her (the other woman's) home when he left me. When our youngest was contacted by this vile creature, she was devastated by her filth. She has considerable issues with trust in her intimate relationships as a result. I sincerely hope that you and your family have found some solace and comfort in your close bonds. 3
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