Thegameoflife Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 This is more to vent and maybe hear some support than to ask advice. I've gone through the proper steps to confront and expose the problem, but with zero positive result. The problem I have with my wife is that she's a selfish person, but only in a relationship. We've been together for 5 years and married 2-1/2, and her behavior is becoming worse over time. When it comes to her friends, she'd give them the shirt off her back. With me, it doesn't feel like she wants to do anything for me anymore. When it comes to sex, she has never willingly offered or pleased me just because she wants to. She'll give me oral, or rub me to get me going, but only because she wants me to have sex with her so she can be pleasured. I'm the kind of guy who enjoys pleasing a woman, and do so selflessly. However, eventually it's pretty obvious that she doesn't have the same desire to please me, and it's killing my sexual desire for her. It's disheartening that my desire to please her isn't reciprocated. The problems stem further than the sexual leaf. Even with everyday things, like getting up to get a drink. If I want a drink, I get up and get it, and offer her, or anyone else nearbye a drink. If she's up, I might ask her for a drink, but it usually yields a drink with attitude. If she wants a drink, she asks me to go get it for her, instead of getting up to get it. Even if she's standing between the door and I, and I'm sitting on the couch, she'll even ask me to get up to let the dogs in. I make dinner most of time, and she often expects that I do so. She'll do anything and everything to avoid doing any choirs around the house. If she does pitch in, it's only cause she feels obligated to help, but never wants too. I feel that she just doesn't respect me at all anymore. She'll do things that are very belittling to me. For instance, she tried to grab a granola bar from my hands to open it, even though there was no struggle, and I've never had an issue opening one since I was 3. I just don't get why she treats me like I'm incompetant, belittles me, and never wants to do things for me. The only time she does do something for me, is to throw it in my face. I've done everything I can to bring these problems to light, but to no avail. I've pointed out situations I didn't like, I was honest, supportive, and the she has made zero effort to make positive changes. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to end it with her. I could waste time with threats of leaving if she doesn't change, but to me, it's absolutely awful that I should even have to ask her to change this behavior. Just needed to vent.
pteromom Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 it's absolutely awful that I should even have to ask her to change this behavior. Maybe, but it is more awful that she isn't open to working on it and making things better. If she isn't willing to work on the problems in the relationship, you are left with little choice but to move on. Growth requires two people. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Have you calmly & politely asked her? My husband rarely asks me or anybody else if they want anything when he gets up. I always offer. At this point I think he's just wired weirdly. I noticed it this past weekend. We were at his family's house. Everybody else asked when they got up but not him. I tease once in a while now & say something snarky like "thanks for asking if I wanted anything."
Poppygoodwill Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Some people are just more self-involved than others. Or their parents didn't teach them good manners to offer to others too. But becuase you say she belittles you too, is rude and intolerant of you...that's something else. She seems to be in a power struggle with you, even if you're not in one with her. Could she be really sort of deeply angry at you for some reason? Does she feel that you have one up on her somehow?
ZMM Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Yes, my W is the same way, very selfish. For example, after i make dinner - even though I work and she doesn't and we are sitting down eating, she will get up and get a napkin and not grab one for me. She also does the same thing as far as asking me to get her stuff when she is just sitting there. And like you if I get up to get a drink, I always offer, she never does. She also never offers any guests anything when they come over. After 20 years, I got tired of all this and now if she asks me to do something that she could just as easily do for herself, I ask her why doesn't she get off her big rear and do it for herself. It actually carries through with everything. She does not give back massages, but likes them. She actually is proud she is this way. As far as sex goes, well our sex life is non-existent. But, from the sounds of it, I think your W may be a little more generous than mine ever was. Just some friendly advice from someone who is older and maybe a bit more experienced than you. Deal with this now. My thought is she won't change, probably just the way she is. But, I'd let her know how you feel and then see what happens. If like I think will be the case, she doesn't change in this regard, then you have to decide if you want to accept this for the rest of your life. It doesn't get any easier, deal with it now.
TaraMaiden Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Lot of truth in the old cliché, "we teach people how to treat us." If something pees you off, nothing's going to change until you implement changes. At the moment she's under the impression that if she says "Jump!" you'll say "how high?". If you want to make changes in your relationship dynamics, change your responses and what you do. 8
Author Thegameoflife Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Have you calmly & politely asked her? My husband rarely asks me or anybody else if they want anything when he gets up. I always offer. At this point I think he's just wired weirdly. I noticed it this past weekend. We were at his family's house. Everybody else asked when they got up but not him. I tease once in a while now & say something snarky like "thanks for asking if I wanted anything." I have asked many times calmly and politely. No success.
Author Thegameoflife Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Some people are just more self-involved than others. Or their parents didn't teach them good manners to offer to others too. But becuase you say she belittles you too, is rude and intolerant of you...that's something else. She seems to be in a power struggle with you, even if you're not in one with her. Could she be really sort of deeply angry at you for some reason? Does she feel that you have one up on her somehow? Her parents are totally opposite. Not sure what the power struggle could be about. Most likely she treats me this way because her older brother watched her a lot as kids. He's a tool, and her sister and her would tell him what to do. I think she's just learned bad behaviors towards men.
Author Thegameoflife Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Lot of truth in the old cliché, "we teach people how to treat us." If something pees you off, nothing's going to change until you implement changes. At the moment she's under the impression that if she says "Jump!" you'll say "how high?". If you want to make changes in your relationship dynamics, change your responses and what you do. I don't believe you can teach a selfish person to treat you better. When you refuse to do what they want, they get mad at you. They don't consider any other side than their own.
Eivuwan Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 The only thing you can do about this situation is refuse to tolerate it. 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I don't believe you can teach a selfish person to treat you better. When you refuse to do what they want, they get mad at you. They don't consider any other side than their own. So then you have a choice: Change your behaviour and stay Change your behaviour and leave. Because as sure as eggs is eggs, if you do nothing but complain then things will always stay exactly as they are. In order to change things, you have to change them. 2
BradJacobs Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I've done everything I can to bring these problems to light, but to no avail. I've pointed out situations I didn't like, I was honest, supportive, and the she has made zero effort to make positive changes. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to end it with her. I could waste time with threats of leaving if she doesn't change, but to me, it's absolutely awful that I should even have to ask her to change this behavior. Just needed to vent. You haven't done everything. You've allowed her to walk all over you for 5 years and not you want it to change. Grow a backbone and take charge. The supportive, loving, caring beta type that you've been is getting treated like a doormat. 4
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 OP, are you just now realizing that your wife is selfish or did she change after you two got married? I don't understand people who start complaining about their SO's behavior if they already knew what they were getting into before committing to marriage. When I'm dating someone and they display the kind of selfish behavior you all describe I drop him like a hot potato. I understand people change with time, but if you see characteristics like this and still get married...no one to blame but yourself. OP, Have you really done all you can to make this work? Counseling? Does your wife know how seriously unhappy you are with her?
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 You cannot nice people into treating you with respect. No consequences for actions equals no reason to change. I lived that situation. Confronting the crap behavior is what works. Do not accommodate. Don't be weak. You will hate what you become if this persists, and your passivity allows her to think it is OK. If she doesn't pull her head out of her ass then leave and find a better person.
Sw3etdev1L Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 do you have children? because if you don't., and you are so miserable.. then why are you belittling yourself in staying in that relationship if you are so unwell?
Author Thegameoflife Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 OP, are you just now realizing that your wife is selfish or did she change after you two got married? I don't understand people who start complaining about their SO's behavior if they already knew what they were getting into before committing to marriage. When I'm dating someone and they display the kind of selfish behavior you all describe I drop him like a hot potato. I understand people change with time, but if you see characteristics like this and still get married...no one to blame but yourself. OP, Have you really done all you can to make this work? Counseling? Does your wife know how seriously unhappy you are with her? This has been a behavior that has developed over the last couple years since we got married. In the first year we were together, she'd come over and clean my apartment for me.
Author Thegameoflife Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 well, what are you planning to do? Not sure yet. Getting seperated doesn't mean I escape these problems. I live in a culture of women that act this way towards men.
bubbaganoosh Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I don't believe you can teach a selfish person to treat you better. When you refuse to do what they want, they get mad at you. They don't consider any other side than their own. Then let her get mad. There comes a point in time when you have to take the white hat off and wear the black hat. Let her know in a way that she fully understands that your not her servant or butler and her attitude sucks to hell and back. What your doing is feeding the monster one shovel full of ignorance after another. Stop playing the nice guy and let her know that this either stops now or one of you is leaving and then it's too late. The way I see it is if you left, she wouldn't bat an eye because she knows that as soon as she calls you back, you come running. Is that what you want and is that what you deserve? It comes down to that the girl needs to learn manners and if you don't teach them to her then she'll never learn. Stop being her whipping boy and let her know that her lack of respect and manners is going to lead to disaster. 2
jimmytwowheels Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I live in a culture of women that act this way towards men. So you say. But that is just you being defeated. You sound beaten OP. On basic our Platoon WO would yell at us when we were exhausted from running, and our heads were hanging down: 'You look like beaten dogs. You know what we do with beaten dogs? We beat them more!' (Not advocating animal abuse people.) You're her doormat. If she has sex with you it's to either keep you in line or because she just wants the pleasuring. At this point you're a moving dildo, and I almost guarantee that she is not actually sexually attracted to you as a person. If you leave this situation it will not get better. You must improve it on your own. Examine your own self image. See what you can do to improve it. Maybe take a martial art, exercise a lot, build youself up to be confident and learn how to take charge. I've been the doormat before. It doesn't end well. You say you've asked her to change politely and calmly. How is the rest of the world asking Russia politely to leave Ukraine working out? Those that hold the balance of power will not be swayed so easily. I hope you can return the balance. If you can't, find a woman that will respect you for the nice guy you are.
jimmytwowheels Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Basically I'm just saying what Bubba said. He knows what he's talking about. Many men do. She be power tripping bro. And like he said, you're her whipping boy. A walking penis who probably pays for things she needs.
stillafool Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Not sure yet. Getting seperated doesn't mean I escape these problems. I live in a culture of women that act this way towards men. That's ridiculous! Not all women act like your selfish wife. 2
Author Thegameoflife Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I'm not defeated, but disappointed. I'm disappointed because I want someone to treat me well because they want to, not because I correct them and tell them they have to treat me a certain way.
Author Thegameoflife Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 That's ridiculous! Not all women act like your selfish wife. I didn't say all. I said I live in a culture of selfish women. Even in a culture, individuals can stand alone from that cultural norm. I'm saying selfish women is the majority.
BeingMe Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Wow! You know, I had a lot of sympathy for you...but that statement about most women being selfish...well, maybe there's a reason why your wife no longer feels that invested in your marriage? If you truly believe what you said, then she'll be picking up on your resentment and lack of respect... 1
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