CalmandCarryOn Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Short: I'm a filmmaker and released my new documentary a few days ago online. My ex sent me a message on Facebook telling me I did a great job on it and it and that it was really good. Should I reply or just be passive and ignore? She hasn't contacted me since she left to study abroad in January. Backstory: My girlfriend and I were talking for 9 months before deciding to take our relationship to the next level-dating. We're both in college-I'm a junior and she's a sophomore. We started dating in October and everything seemed grand. My girlfriend would be studying abroad in France the next semester, and we talked about how we would overcome/navigate through her being overseas and away in the Spring. I told her that I could wait before we went "official" until she returned from France to see where things were at-but she said would be able to handle it and felt ready to date now. Everything seemed to go great-until France entered the picture. As the semester started to end and France came up more-I started getting weird vibes from her, but would brush them off thinking I was overreacting and wanted to respect her-especially knowing she would be studying abroad, I didn't want to put pressures on her. I did my very best to respect her and show selfless love. She even told me that besides her parents, I had shown her more respect than anyone else in her life. I spent Thanksgiving break with her and her family, and all seemed well. I poured much into her to make her feel special and comfortable, always making sure she didn't feel pressured or stressed. I wanted her to be able to her herself. A week before we left school for Christmas break (this is the beginning of December) we were talking one night and she shared with me that she had "fears and doubts" She said that she worried about leaving for France and being away for so long, she worried about "us" and our "hearts", she didn't know when she would see me again, she was concerned about us being able to "see other people". Early in our relationship we had planned ways to communicate while she was away in France, but now she shared how she wasn't going to communicate as much as she had originally intended to because she wanted to "experience everything in France". The way she explained it was a little foggy, because I read it COMPLETELY WRONG. I thought that it was the end of the semester, she was tired and exhausted, and was emotional with everything hitting her (leaving for France, not seeing friends and family for a semester) and I tried my best to make her not be fearful and addressed any doubts that she had (i.e. how I WOULD see her as SOON as she returned). That night I texted her a bunch of things explaining anything she shared with me and to not be fearful of the future. She thanked me profusely and shared how great I was and how she felt much better after I tried to calm her fears. A couple days later I surprised her with her Christmas presents and in the middle of opening them she said "Now I feel bad". I was confused by this comment. We had a great date that night and then entered into finals. The last day on campus that semester was great-and she acted like everything was great between us. I had to fly out to Arizona for Christmas break and brought my car up to her house later that weekend for her family to look over-as well as get dropped off/picked up from the airport. All seemed perfect. I would get to see her when I returned right before she left for France. When I arrived at her home that night, I received some cold vibes from her, and was feeling a little uneasy by the way she was actin around me (not very reciprocal, didn't seem very excited to see me). She took me to the airport and handed me a letter when she dropped me off. << This was my Christmas gift. The letter was 3 pages of things that she loved about me and what I did in our relationship. She addressed the letter "My dear" and said that she would "terribly" miss me when she was in France and couldn't wait to get back to catch up with me. She ended the letter with "In Love". Along with the letter, she included pictures of us together from the semester. 2 days after I arrived in Arizona-we were texting and she was coming across cold and like it was a hassle to talk to me. Circumstances led me to ask her what was wrong and she said that she "felt unsure about some things". I asked her if it was about us and she replied "Yes.". The next morning she called me and said "I just don't think it's going to work out between us." I was crushed. Her reason for breaking up-she didn't feel like her "silly, crazy" side she had with her girl friends could come out around me. She said she struggled to bring it out. She said "It's not you, it's me-but we can still be friends". We talked on the phone almost an hour. She was very cold in her responses to me. She told me that I didn't do anything wrong, and to "not feel bad because it's not me.". After we broke up I fell into depression. I couldn't understand why in 11 months that was the FIRST time I had heard about her not being able to bring out her "silly" side around me-let alone why she never talked to me about it. I was confused why she put everything she did in the letter, as well as INCLUDE pictures of us together. She shared that she had planned to break up with me when she picked me up from the airport when I returned home-everything was planned and she had led me on like nothing was wrong. I feel so hurt because I poured a lot to make her feel special, and was left like dirt. She broke up a week before Christmas. The rest of break we had NC, but then I had to return home and get my car from her home. It was a horrible day. Her mom drove their car and she was in the passengers seat when they picked me up. After 2.5 weeks of NC-I thought she would want to talk, but no. The ENTIRE drive from the airport to her house, she didn't say a SINGLE WORD to me. Completely ignored. Her mom tried to make some small talk to break the awkwardness, but it didn't help. When I got to her home, I thanked the mom, got my car and left to return to school. 5 minutes down the road back my phone died and I had a 2 hour drive back in bad weather (snow had fallen,very icy roads). I had to GO BACK to her home to charge my phone. It was awkward to say the least. I sat in her kitchen for ALMOST AN HOUR charging my phone, and she was in the kitchen-ignored me the whole time. The only thing she asked was if I "wanted a drink" and if I "had a lot to do when I got back to school". Other than that-straight silence and acting like i wasn't there. It felt like knives being stabbed in me. I can understand if I treated her like crap, was selfish, didn't respect her, but did none. I treated her like a princess and that's what was returned to me. Why would she do this, or act this way? The way she treated the breakup is insane because I know she's better than that. And the way she treated me is a shock - I never would take her to act this way. It's been a month, I'm better-but I'm still struggling with missing her. I fell in love with this girl the past year, and it hurts to feel taken advantage of. Need advice on overcoming-it's hard when I pass her friends at school or certain places where we would spend time together-because I'm flooded with memories. I'm crushed.
Zahara Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Firstly, there's nothing passive about NC. It's the emotionally smart thing to do because when you are hurting and grieving over someone the best thing to do is to avoid them at all cost. NC isn't about passiveness, spitefullness, etc. It is about prioritizing your healing and if that means ignoring any triggers that may send you hurtling down a black hole you've been trying to get out, you do what it takes. Your ex sees no issue with contacting you because she isn't emotionally affected and invested in you. So to her, contact is harmless. Contact is harmful to you. Stay NC. 4
Chi townD Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Okay, all you got was a film review. Good job, she liked it. And now what.... Dude, you are not her friend. I'm surprised she even had time to watch it considering that she told you she was going to be too busy "Exploring everything in France." to even talk to you.... Continue with NC. She's throwing out a breadcrumb to see where your head is at and see if you hate her for what she did to you. If you want something to help you maintain NC, just picture this. Imagine that she watched your film sitting next to her French boyfriend. That should help kill that urge. 4
Never Again Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Either ignore or simply say "thank you" and leave it at that - being cordial is okay, but only if it won't toss your emotions out of control. Chi townD has it right - so the only thing I have to add to that is: what will make you feel STRONGER? Not better. Better is temporary and fleeting. Talking to an ex always makes you feel better cuz you're getting your fix like a junkie. STRONGER. If you could respond with a cordial "thank you" and go about your day without overthinking it, then responding would make you feel like you're gaining strength...like you're healing. However, you're asking on these boards, which means you're still likely confused and emotionally reeling. Responding would only make you wonder if you've opened up lines of communication somehow...if she'll talk to you later. So it's better to let it be. Best rule of thumb I can give you is "If you have to ask...DON'T" I'm being presumptuous, but I've been there. I did the same thing before I found these boards and understood the value of NC and prioritizing myself and not trying to repair a bridge that'd already been burnt. 4
Chi townD Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Pfenixphere also brings up a very good point. If you send a simple "thanks" and the next thing you know, you're constantly looking at your phone for a reply, then you're not ready. If you send a simple "thanks" and she jumps on the fact that you ate a breadcrumb and asks, "How have you been?" Would you be strong enough to ignore that? Or would it make you feel like an ass letting her hang there like that? That it makes you feel OBLIGATED to respond, then don't say anything at all. 2
LadyM Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I think that a cordial "thank you" is appropriate and won't send you reeling. It's the initial contact from them that makes all of us reel anyway, so it is likely a brief response will not send most of us over the edge. And the brevity of response indicates to her that you are merely recognizing her good wishes and you seek no further interaction with her. To me, a brief and courteous "thank you" still maintains NC.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I think that a cordial "thank you" is appropriate and won't send you reeling. It's the initial contact from them that makes all of us reel anyway, so it is likely a brief response will not send most of us over the edge. And the brevity of response indicates to her that you are merely recognizing her good wishes and you seek no further interaction with her. To me, a brief and courteous "thank you" still maintains NC. No, it's breaking No Contact. No Contact means No Contact. There's no gray area. And "thank you" won't work because he's going to be looking at his phone hoping for a response after that. And getting a response will put him in another tizzy where he'll ask for more signs of what it could mean. And as soon as she doesn't respond, it will devastate him -- look how much he wrote about the relationship and the break. You can tell how "over" a person is about a relationship on here by how much they type. The ones that are truly moved on or well on their way don't ramble on about their relationship as much as ones who are still hooked. And he's still hooked. It's not just the initial contact that makes a person reel -- the overanalyzing and the rehashing of all contact is just as damaging. I really think this guy should let this go. 3
Zahara Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 It's been a month, I'm better-but I'm still struggling with missing her. I fell in love with this girl the past year, and it hurts to feel taken advantage of. Need advice on overcoming-it's hard when I pass her friends at school or certain places where we would spend time together-because I'm flooded with memories. I'm crushed. I don't believe he is anywhere close to responding with a "thank you" without feeling affected. 2
LadyM Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Gosh, you are completely right, Simon. (and Zahara!)
Chi townD Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I remember one dude got a breadcrumb that was a smiley face emoicon from his ex. He came on here freaking out about it. He was like, "What the hell is this supposed to mean?!?!? Does it mean that she's happy with life? Does it mean she hopes I'm happy? Does it mean that she's happy and rubbing my nose in it with an emoicon? Does it mean she wants me to call her? Is she having second thoughts and being coy about it? WHAT THE F*CK IS IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!" I was like..."dude, it's a breadcrumb.....means nothing." 1
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I don't believe he is anywhere close to responding with a "thank you" without feeling affected. Backstory text was where I was at a month ago, to clarify. I'm doing good now, feeling much better. Just was trying to get perspective on what most people do when they get a message after weeks or months of NC.
somecamel Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I remember one dude got a breadcrumb that was a smiley face emoicon from his ex. He came on here freaking out about it. He was like, "What the hell is this supposed to mean?!?!? Does it mean that she's happy with life? Does it mean she hopes I'm happy? Does it mean that she's happy and rubbing my nose in it with an emoicon? Does it mean she wants me to call her? Is she having second thoughts and being coy about it? WHAT THE F*CK IS IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!" I was like..."dude, it's a breadcrumb.....means nothing." Haha, pretty sure that was me:p 1
Zahara Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Backstory text was where I was at a month ago, to clarify. I'm doing good now, feeling much better. Just was trying to get perspective on what most people do when they get a message after weeks or months of NC. I know that. You said in your first post that it's been a month and you're struggling and crushed, eventhough you feel better. Advice still stands. And yes, it's a breadcrumb.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Backstory text was where I was at a month ago, to clarify. I'm doing good now, feeling much better. Just was trying to get perspective on what most people do when they get a message after weeks or months of NC. You still aren't even close to being ready to address her breadcrumbs. The more details you add to your story, the more hung up you are about what went down. For example, when I was dumped by the ex that brought me here, I could have written a novel (and i think I did actually). The other day, about a year-and-a-half removed, a friend and I were driving by the area my ex used to live and I mentioned in passing how I used to hang out in that area a lot when I was dating her. My friend asked me why we stopped dating and I summed it up in two sentences. Had she asked me about it 18 months ago, it might have been a half-hour ramble, if not more. Edited February 20, 2014 by Simon Phoenix 1
Never Again Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 As someone who's pretty wordy and a "natural" storyteller, I can attest that Simon's pretty on point. Yes, you want us to know what's up...and the more details the better for us to judge the situation...but it also shows that everything is still fresh in your mind and heart. I was guilty of the half-hour rambles for the first 2 months after my breakup. If someone asked me about the breakup or why I seemed so down, I'd launch into some sort of ramble even if I'd already talked to them about it. I still have a tendency to overtalk that time period, but it's become more about me and what I was going through prior to the breakup than about the breakup itself. Until you're at a point where your focus is almost entirely upon yourself or the breakup doesn't phase you at ALL, you're not in a place to even consider dealing with your ex. Trust me. I responded to breakcrumbs for the first month of my breakup and it kept the wounds fresh. 4 months later, when I was really starting to make progress, I had to spent an evening with her and backslid HARD...slowly slid into a funk that took me quite awhile to climb out of. Don't put yourself in that situation. Again, "If you have to ask, DON'T".
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