Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Background on my situation. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We were together for 6 years before getting married. He is 46 and I am 42. About 20 years ago he asked a girlfriend to marry him. She turned him down..apparently she thought she could do better. Well they've remained in touch throughout all this time and I think they may have had a little back togetherness a few years before he met me, but I'm not exactly sure on those details. She lives about 40 minutes from where we do. Husband will bring up her name all the time for no reason like "I've had this jacket for over 20 years. I didn't really want this one but Jen thought it looked good" or "I never used to like this kind of food, but Jen introduced me to it". Things he says where there's no reason that he should have to add her name to the story. Even 3 years ago I accidently put this wool shirt of his in the washer and it shrank. The sleeves were already too short on it so it looked like it had been shrunk previously. He has a royal fit over it saying that it is a shirt that Jen's dad gave him and he's not upset because it had to do with her but because her dad thought enough of him to give it to him. He said Jen had shrunk it previous to that. He was so torn up over the shirt that I had to buy him an identical one for almost $100! I snoop. He has no idea I snoop (or he would delete messages) but I do. I know his email password (he doesn't know I know it), I check our phone and text records online, he never logs out of Facebook on the laptop so I check that as well. I pretty much have all bases covered. He never emails her and the only time he ever calls her is when I'm gone for a long period or he is out without me (both of which are rare). I found messages on Facebook that were written 4 days before we got married. I didn't see them until after we got married but he had apparently ran into her when he was out for his bachelor party and she Facebooked him "Did you get my text" he says "no I don't have text enabled on my phone but do tell. It's the same old thing, can't get you out of my mind". Then she messaged "Great thanks for making me crazy. I was kind of hoping to see you again". Then it was sort of poo poo from her saying "I must have temporarily lost my mind. Go get married already. Do you need a ride to the airport?" He said no. Within the past three years there's been a few messages on Facebook but he is always sending her little things that apparently only they would get on Facebook and is always liking this "I love Redheads" page and then forwarding things to her because she's a redhead. She never ever posts anything on his Facebook page and it's always through private messages. A year ago he went to visit a friend and I found out through a private message that he ran into her. Said it was nice to see her, but never mentioned to me that he ran into her even when I asked if he ran into anybody down there. There was a message on Facebook that he was going to ask her to dinner some night and a yes was expected. That never happened. Well 2 weeks ago I met him down at a bar after he had a class. We left the bar at the same time to go home and it was snowing pretty good so roads were treacherous. I expected him to be home before me because he drives faster than I do. I got turned around and added an extra 10 minutes or so to my commute so when I got home and didn't see his car there I worried. I waited about 20 minutes and was just about to call him when he pulled in the driveway. In the back of my mind I was thinking 'I wonder if he drove by Jen's house", because I know she lives in the area we were in. Sure enough I check Facebook and he had sent a message to her of simply "hello" with no response. Check his phone and 3 minutes after he did that he had called her, apparently with no answer. He comes home and I asked why he was late and he said "Oh I was just driving around the neighborhood down there trying to sober up. I was going to go in and have a beer at this one bar I haven't been to in years but I drove by and nobody was there so I came home." So you were trying to sober up but you were going to stop and have a beer?? Yesterday was his birthday and all day I was just itching to get home and check his Facebook page on the laptop because I had bet anything that Jen had sent him a private birthday message. Sure enough, she had simply said happy birthday. Don't know why that couldn't have been posted on his page with everyone else saying happy birthday but it wasn't. Then I saw his response to that that said "I called you a couple of weeks ago. I was down in your area and wanted to see if you wanted to meet for a pint. I'll try again when I'm in the neighborhood". She responded with "I'd like that". She's single, been single for as long as I've known about her and has never married. I bet if she had someone he would quit the contact because then it would be dangerous and she would have other interests. I am bursting at the seems to tell him I know all about his contacting her, but I can't. He would immediately accuse me of not trusting him (um yeah!) and then accuse me of spying on him and checking up on him when she's just a friend. Really? If she's just a friend then why don't you contact her when I'm with you? Why don't you try to see her when I'm with you? Why do you always happen to leave her out when mentioning what you were doing or where you were, even if you saw her by accident? Why have you never invited her to any parties we've had? He has always been so vehement about how his ex cheated on him and how awful it was and he would never do that. I don't know what to do. I know he will find a way to turn it all back on me and then I will question everything. If I ask why he never tells me about seeing her he'll go "We are just friends but I don't see any reason to tell you about it because it will just upset you but you have no reason to be upset. NOTHING is going on or ever would".
Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I'm so sorry, I can totally understand why this would make you uncomfortable. Here's my 0.02, you already KNOW the answers to all those "whys" it's pretty clear even just reading your post that they have unresolved feelings...And tbh I think you have every right to be upset about their communication. For example that snowy night? He should have been following behind YOU, his WIFE, to make sure you got home safe not trying to meet up with his ex for a "pint" Here's what you need to decide.. What are your limits? Do YOU feel like he's crossed a line with his communication? What would cause you to feel like he has crossed the line? How low is your bar, how much can you take before you explode? What are you willing to accept? 2
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 That's the problem. I will never say anything about it unless I catch him messaging her or see something by accident from/to her when he's right in the room because THEN I have every right to question him on it. I just can't admit that I've been snooping on him for years and how much I really do know.
Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 That's the problem. I will never say anything about it unless I catch him messaging her or see something by accident from/to her when he's right in the room because THEN I have every right to question him on it. I just can't admit that I've been snooping on him for years and how much I really do know. Why not??? As far as I'm concerned of you snoop and find something incriminating it kind of rules out the whole "breach of privacy" thing. He's hiding a whole part of his life from you! How is that ok? Are you willing to continue living a marriage that is masked in half truths?? (I'm not judging, just asking) 2
Waverly Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Could you just ask him about it? Without admitting to snooping, but just sort of a general question next time her name comes up -- ask him why he brings her name up when it's not necessary, and see how he reacts?
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 It's NOT ok but he will immediately turn it from me saying "I know you are talking to Jen behind my back" to him saying "how could you have been snooping on me this entire time. You are so untrustworthy" and he will yell and scream at me for it and I will be my meek self and say "sorry" for absolutely no reason and that will be the end of that. The real situation was diffused by his anger at me for snooping and I will never bring it up again.
harrybrown Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Ask him how would he feel if you had an affair? Would he like if you had this friend on the side? Print out some of the messages and leave them where he will find them, or ask him about his "date" with her. I do not think he would like it if you had some "friend" over to the house. Will he go NC with her? You do need a boundary line especially with a former girlfriend.
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Could you just ask him about it? Without admitting to snooping, but just sort of a general question next time her name comes up -- ask him why he brings her name up when it's not necessary, and see how he reacts? I did say that very snidely once "Oh good old Jen always comes up" and he goes "Oh don't read anything into it. I did really love her at one point but that was a long time ago and I love you more than her. She was just a big part of my life back then and her family accepted me even though I was a total opposite from Jen". Then I hear ALL about her wonderful dad who was police chief in the city.
Cali408 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Next time he brings her name up, ask him if he ever has contact with her. See his reaction. If he admits to it, follow up with more questions. If not, he's a liar and call him out. Say you were on the computer and he left facebook up.... 3
Goodbye Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Next time he brings her up say "Oh yes honey, I know you are fond of Jen...say, I was wondering if she'd like to have dinner with us next time we are in her neighborhood." Encourage him to bring his "friendship" out in the open within your marriage. If he balks...confront him. 2
Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 It's NOT ok but he will immediately turn it from me saying "I know you are talking to Jen behind my back" to him saying "how could you have been snooping on me this entire time. You are so untrustworthy" and he will yell and scream at me for it and I will be my meek self and say "sorry" for absolutely no reason and that will be the end of that. The real situation was diffused by his anger at me for snooping and I will never bring it up again. Wow. That doesn't sound very respectful. Sounds like he uses a lot of blame, deflection, and manipulation to get what he wants How is your marriage otherwise?
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 He's so selfish. I have an idea, throw it out there and see his reaction. "Hey, since you talk about Jen so much, why not invite her over for dinner so I can meet her and get to know her." 1
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 It usually isn't more than a facebook like or him forwarding her something on facebook from a website. The occasional private message to her but not saying much of anything. She even asked how life was a while ago and he said the job and the marriage is great so it's not like he's telling her he's miserable or anything. The problem is most of these messages to her say "Was at the bar for New Year's but went home early" or "Went to see so and so" but he never says WE did that stuff. Like he's making her think it was just him. The calls and messages to meet up happen maybe twice a year.
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Ask him how would he feel if you had an affair? Would he like if you had this friend on the side? Print out some of the messages and leave them where he will find them, or ask him about his "date" with her. I do not think he would like it if you had some "friend" over to the house. Will he go NC with her? You do need a boundary line especially with a former girlfriend. Oh you know damn well he'd pitch a fit if I was seeing "a friend" on the side! There are times when he will out of the blue say accusatory things for no reason like if I'm typing something on the computer and then stop when he comes in the room he'll go "Oh are you typing a message to you boyfriend?" or when he goes and runs errands "You probably want me out of the house for a few hours so you can meet up with the pool boy" or we ended up being introduced to a friend of a friend last weekend and he goes "Oh isn't he dreamy? Tall and British and well educated, you probably wish he was your husband instead of redneck me"! He just starts saying these really sarcastic things when I've never done or said anything to make him think I'm cheating.
Realist3 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 It usually isn't more than a facebook like or him forwarding her something on facebook from a website. The occasional private message to her but not saying much of anything. She even asked how life was a while ago and he said the job and the marriage is great so it's not like he's telling her he's miserable or anything. The problem is most of these messages to her say "Was at the bar for New Year's but went home early" or "Went to see so and so" but he never says WE did that stuff. Like he's making her think it was just him. The calls and messages to meet up happen maybe twice a year. While it is totally your decision what constitutes cheating, this seems rather benign to me. Yes, he has unresolved feelings for her but I don't know there is much you can do about that. I would urge you not to let him know you have the access you do to his accounts, and I don't know that I would even confront him. What exactly would you demand, that he stop contacting her? That's not going to happen. 1
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 The calls and texts to try and meet up happen only that often but the messages and the facebook things are flirtatious little "oh I remember when we did that" or something only they would know about.
Author Mapper71 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Oh you know damn well he'd pitch a fit if I was seeing "a friend" on the side! There are times when he will out of the blue say accusatory things for no reason like if I'm typing something on the computer and then stop when he comes in the room he'll go "Oh are you typing a message to you boyfriend?" or when he goes and runs errands "You probably want me out of the house for a few hours so you can meet up with the pool boy" or we ended up being introduced to a friend of a friend last weekend and he goes "Oh isn't he dreamy? Tall and British and well educated, you probably wish he was your husband instead of redneck me"! He just starts saying these really sarcastic things when I've never done or said anything to make him think I'm cheating. You know, it seems like I've heard from others that if the other spouse starts making sarcastic remarks about the other one "supposedly" cheating or having thoughts about others then that it means they are really the ones doing the cheating or having thoughts of doing it!
Realist3 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 The calls and texts to try and meet up happen only that often but the messages and the facebook things are flirtatious little "oh I remember when we did that" or something only they would know about. It's your choice. If you think confronting him about will help, then do it. If you do it you will have to disclose how you know. Once that happens he will change all of his passwords and you will have zip in the future. You said yourself he will likely explain it away in some fashion, and from what you have stated so far that would be extremely easy to do. It just doesn't seem like some intense relationship going on here with the other woman. If they were talking daily all day then you would have something to confront him with, and be really concerned about. I know it can't possibly feel good knowing he is doing this, but you have to weigh the risks. If it were me I would just point blank say I think you have feelings for her still that you can't get over, and it makes me feel like crap. 2
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