Past Cheating Behavior vs Current Behavior

[KathyM]

People can change if they are motivated enough and work on themselves to overcome whatever issues within themselves caused them to be unfaithful. Whether they will change for the long term and not succum to cheating in the future is only a guess, really. Despite a person's best efforts to change, they may break down in times of stress or temptation and resort to past dysfunctional behavior. Just like an alcoholic. Some alcoholics can stay sober for life after they have worked on themselves enough and developed better coping skills and better strategies to resist the temptation to drink. Some alcoholics will revert back to drinking eventually when under enough stress or temptation. Some people have very engrained patterns from childhood that contributed to their likelihood to cheat. Some have personality traits that make them more susceptible to cheat (such as narcissictic traits or low self esteem, excessive need for validation, impulsivity, etc.) Engrained personality traits are very hard to change in counseling. Narcissism, impulsivity, etc. Some people have actual personality disorders or psychological disorders that make them more susceptible to cheat, despite their desire to change. For example, people who have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder have an actual impairment in the impulse control center of their brain that makes them more prone to impulsivity, and therefore cheating. Their impulsivity can be improved through medication, but they could have times of relapsing later on. For example, stress can cause a relapse in a person with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, where their impulsivity is again out of control. People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes it is situational, such as when a marriage has gone bad and the person feels entitled to cheat for that reason. Many times, it is because of personality issues or issues engrained from childhood that the person continues to struggle with throughout their life, and a stressor or temptation can trigger again. My brother-in-law, for example, had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and felt entitled to cheat because of that. Although he did feel some amount of remorse the first time he cheated when he saw how hurt my sister was, and he did refrain from cheating for several years after the first incident, eventually his narcissism took over again and caused him to cheat again.

[janedoe67]

People can change if they are motivated enough and work on themselves to overcome whatever issues within themselves caused them to be unfaithful. Whether they will change for the long term and not succum to cheating in the future is only a guess, really. Despite a person's best efforts to change, they may break down in times of stress or temptation and resort to past dysfunctional behavior. Just like an alcoholic. Some alcoholics can stay sober for life after they have worked on themselves enough and developed better coping skills and better strategies to resist the temptation to drink. Some alcoholics will revert back to drinking eventually when under enough stress or temptation. Some people have very engrained patterns from childhood that contributed to their likelihood to cheat. Some have personality traits that make them more susceptible to cheat (such as narcissictic traits or low self esteem, excessive need for validation, impulsivity, etc.) Engrained personality traits are very hard to change in counseling. Narcissism, impulsivity, etc. Some people have actual personality disorders or psychological disorders that make them more susceptible to cheat, despite their desire to change. For example, people who have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder have an actual impairment in the impulse control center of their brain that makes them more prone to impulsivity, and therefore cheating. Their impulsivity can be improved through medication, but they could have times of relapsing later on. For example, stress can cause a relapse in a person with Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, where their impulsivity is again out of control. People cheat for different reasons. Sometimes it is situational, such as when a marriage has gone bad and the person feels entitled to cheat for that reason. Many times, it is because of personality issues or issues engrained from childhood that the person continues to struggle with throughout their life, and a stressor or temptation can trigger again. My brother-in-law, for example, had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and felt entitled to cheat because of that. Although he did feel some amount of remorse the first time he cheated when he saw how hurt my sister was, and he did refrain from cheating for several years after the first incident, eventually his narcissism took over again and caused him to cheat again.

 

This post is why it is IMPERATIVE for the person who cheats to do more than just "stop cheating." Without REAL inward and outward work, the odds of cheating again are just not very positive. Saying "I know how wrong it was, here are my passwords, I won't do it again" is not enough.