sucess with friendship after

[herself]

I can almost feel the intense Nooooooo coming my way but please keep in mind for many years we did not have the A aspect if our friendship, and weve been friends for 13 yrs.

We also did not have sex or even ever kiss.

When face to face (we would have a beer or coffee every other month or so) we still would not cross the line and even kept in person conversation g rated (which I never understood why we switched to SO platonic in person...safeguard?)

 

There was also no talk ever of leaving spouses or becoming a couple.

There was a certain balance to it, and it became too much, caused guilt, scared us, and jyst could not be sustained and it ended.

 

Ahhhhhhh but old habits die hard & I broke NC yesterday.

Nc was not agreed on or discussed, I just did it, blocked him out everywhere & took a few months.

 

I simply asked as we had a ROUGH treacherous snow & ice storm if he was safely at work.

It opened up as I sensed it may a very simple, kind dialouge.

I didnt think it through first or plan to reach out, so I didnt know what to expect or hope for.

 

He said he wanted to be friends, I know he meant platonic ONLY, it seemed extremely clear.

Said we wanted it to be basic and simple and just enjoy that we werent enemies or strangers.

 

Many say that friendship cannot be achieved, but i think thats more so true when it was physical. I dont feel right to throw away all those years, and I feel like I can keep boundaries like low light contact, no flirting just a basic simple bond like we had before we let feelings interfere.

 

Can i hear any sucess stories and can u not condemn me PLEASE. I just want to hear some positives if possible?

[LaylaSings]

I believe it's possible. I'm friends with two exes from before I was with my husband, small town knew each other forever and couldn't avoid one another so we just stayed friends never crossed the line again.

I ended my affair in January and we are hoping to stay just friends too and so far it's been good but it's such new days.. And we both still want one another so in that case it's stacked against us.

You have had a few months break.. I would say that's in your favour.

 

You already know in your heart if he's JUST your friend. Just be honest with yourself and hopefully he's honest too. You can do anything you really want to do, as long as you are both on the same page. Good luck!

[littlemermaid]

I can almost feel the intense Nooooooo coming my way but please keep in mind for many years we did not have the A aspect if our friendship, and weve been friends for 13 yrs.

We also did not have sex or even ever kiss.

When face to face (we would have a beer or coffee every other month or so) we still would not cross the line and even kept in person conversation g rated (which I never understood why we switched to SO platonic in person...safeguard?)

 

There was also no talk ever of leaving spouses or becoming a couple.

There was a certain balance to it, and it became too much, caused guilt, scared us, and jyst could not be sustained and it ended.

 

Ahhhhhhh but old habits die hard & I broke NC yesterday.

Nc was not agreed on or discussed, I just did it, blocked him out everywhere & took a few months.

 

I simply asked as we had a ROUGH treacherous snow & ice storm if he was safely at work.

It opened up as I sensed it may a very simple, kind dialouge.

I didnt think it through first or plan to reach out, so I didnt know what to expect or hope for.

 

He said he wanted to be friends, I know he meant platonic ONLY, it seemed extremely clear.

Said we wanted it to be basic and simple and just enjoy that we werent enemies or strangers.

 

Many say that friendship cannot be achieved, but i think thats more so true when it was physical. I dont feel right to throw away all those years, and I feel like I can keep boundaries like low light contact, no flirting just a basic simple bond like we had before we let feelings interfere.

 

Can i hear any sucess stories and can u not condemn me PLEASE. I just want to hear some positives if possible?

 

in your case, I think it could work.

[Realist3]

I believe it's possible. I'm friends with two exes from before I was with my husband, small town knew each other forever and couldn't avoid one another so we just stayed friends never crossed the line again.

I ended my affair in January and we are hoping to stay just friends too and so far it's been good but it's such new days.. And we both still want one another so in that case it's stacked against us.

You have had a few months break.. I would say that's in your favour.

 

You already know in your heart if he's JUST your friend. Just be honest with yourself and hopefully he's honest too. You can do anything you really want to do, as long as you are both on the same page. Good luck!

 

I totally agree with this. Of course each situation is different and many variable come into play, but I see no reason why it couldn't work.

[jwi71]

I can almost feel the intense Nooooooo coming my way but please keep in mind for many years we did not have the A aspect if our friendship, and weve been friends for 13 yrs.

We also did not have sex or even ever kiss.

When face to face (we would have a beer or coffee every other month or so) we still would not cross the line and even kept in person conversation g rated (which I never understood why we switched to SO platonic in person...safeguard?)

 

There was also no talk ever of leaving spouses or becoming a couple.

There was a certain balance to it, and it became too much, caused guilt, scared us, and jyst could not be sustained and it ended.

 

Ahhhhhhh but old habits die hard & I broke NC yesterday.

Nc was not agreed on or discussed, I just did it, blocked him out everywhere & took a few months.

 

I simply asked as we had a ROUGH treacherous snow & ice storm if he was safely at work.

It opened up as I sensed it may a very simple, kind dialouge.

I didnt think it through first or plan to reach out, so I didnt know what to expect or hope for.

 

He said he wanted to be friends, I know he meant platonic ONLY, it seemed extremely clear.

Said we wanted it to be basic and simple and just enjoy that we werent enemies or strangers.

 

Many say that friendship cannot be achieved, but i think thats more so true when it was physical. I dont feel right to throw away all those years, and I feel like I can keep boundaries like low light contact, no flirting just a basic simple bond like we had before we let feelings interfere.

 

Can i hear any sucess stories and can u not condemn me PLEASE. I just want to hear some positives if possible?

 

I think the question to ask yourself is thus:

 

What is different now that allows me the strength to be just friends when previously we were not?

 

While I certainly believe that one can be friends with the opposite sex, and even friends with former lovers...I am NOT sold that one can be friends with a former AP.

 

Can YOU do it now? Dunno...what is different now from then?

[MissTakes]

Ahhhhhhh but old habits die hard & I broke NC yesterday.

Nc was not agreed on or discussed, I just did it, blocked him out everywhere & took a few months.

 

I simply asked as we had a ROUGH treacherous snow & ice storm if he was safely at work.

It opened up as I sensed it may a very simple, kind dialouge.

I didnt think it through first or plan to reach out, so I didnt know what to expect or hope for.

 

He said he wanted to be friends, I know he meant platonic ONLY, it seemed extremely clear.

Said we wanted it to be basic and simple and just enjoy that we werent enemies or strangers.

 

I have had almost exactly - exactly - this same situation. And moral of the story, which I know you don't want to hear (and I don't want to hear, either): no, you can't just be friends.

 

I was friends with my AP before anything happened. We were coworkers. It started, then I moved, I blocked him and went NC without having a discussion. When I knew I was likely to run into him on a business trip months later, I unblocked him and sent some platonic, normal text - I think, in fact, it was just a group message that went out to with friends a happy new year.

 

And that opened the floodgates.

 

No, not at first. We talked when I saw him, and we swore it would be platonic. He said he valued my friendship too much to even toe the boundaries - he just didn't want to be enemies. I missed his friendship, too. I thought we could do it - and for a week, we made a really good showing of just being friends.

 

We've gone right back to an EA since then, though. Low-grade, I guess you could say - nothing like what it was when it was also a PA. It's as if by day we can pretend we're just friends, but by night, we're too tired to tiptoe around the truth: we will always be more than friends. We try to act like there are boundaries that we mutually understand and are respecting. We talk about not crossing them. Inevitably, they get crossed.

 

There are so many terrible things about it. First and foremost is that I know, morally, this is not the right thing to be doing. Second, I know that emotionally, this is screwing with my head even more. Third is something I never would have anticipated. See, back when we were really together, there was somehow never any drama about it, really. We just sort of owned what we were and went with it. Now that we're trying to act like something else, though, there's a constant tension. It's mostly on me. I will open the door for him to cross a line, then push him back when he gets too close or crosses it. And when I push back, I push hard. He gets upset. We're not who we used to be. Our friendship isn't what it used to be.

 

Maybe someday we could be friends. Maybe if we were both happy, and neither of us wanted to be with the other at all, and our hands were cut off and our eyes fell out so we couldn't touch or see each other, we could be just friends. But until then... I doubt it.

[herself]

I love him enough to support his need to live guilt free & I believe he loved me, maybe still does but does not want to live with being a cheater.

It would be selfish to our spouses.

He was having children & I was gonna move away & the combo of big life changes, losing our youth & our carefree lives & adopting change & responsibility i think pushed us toward eachother in that way & the attraction & chemistry we always ignored caught on fire.

He may have meant it at the time but he deeply loves his family and I always KNEW I had the BEST husband. I do love my friend, I believe in loving two people.

But I respect our spouses enough to not live selfishly & Ill miss the thrill but seeing how it damaged our friendship gives me the ammo to just wanna walk the straight line.

 

Its not going to be easy but I believe I (we) can do it. I hope so, more time apart is being taken. Were still gonna take more time now.

[Nattie]

I think the only way MM and I could be "just friends" is if we were in separate states, literally. I guess it is possible in some situations though.

[MissTakes]

I think the only way MM and I could be "just friends" is if we were in separate states, literally. I guess it is possible in some situations though.

 

Me and my MM are in different states. And not like, RI and MA different states - more along the lines of FL and MO. Hasn't helped, really. I think we could be friends if we only ever talked about sports, but didn't make any bets on games, or make fun of each other's teams, and also never saw each other.

 

Maybe then.

[Fluttershy]

I have no experience with this sort of thing in an affair setting. It would be different because no one knows so your current husband would not be jealous unlike when dealing with a regular ol' boyfriend.

 

In my experience with staying friends after the ILYs an sex and emotions is if one or both people still feel it it only makes things worse. I had this boyfriend from teen to early twenties. He broke up with me because he felt he couldn't commit to me and we remained friends. I understood and wanted him in my life still because I still loved him.

 

The thing is it hurt like hell. And it didn't get better and I didn't stop loving him. I hid it and acted cool because i didn't want to lose his friendship. But I also kept lookin for hope in our friendship that he felt more for me still. After way to long I realized I wasn't moving on. I wasn't open to new relationships. By keeping the friendship I was keeping my heart engaged. So I told him this and he understood and we went NC. It was much faster then and i got over my feelings and did move one. With some actual distance between me and him I realized I didn't need him. And i was open to new love.

 

So a word of caution to remaining friends. If you still have romantic feelings it may bot be worth it.

[TurningTables]

herself,

Please do not take this the wrong way and I know its not what you want to hear but....

Why are you going to do this to yourself? Right now, you are only a couple of months out of the EA. I am not sure how strong the EA was but right now it would be impossible for you and your AP to be friends. You are in the bargaining stage right now. I know, I have been there. You think to yourself, we can *still* be friends! That is a way I can *still* have him in my life and not say goodbye! It will work if I can just get these pesky feelings and boundaries under control. Its an illusion my dear. You cannot be close to him and NOT continue the EA.

How is this fair to your H? How is this fair to his W? Both of you walking around in love with each other? Its not. Its not fair to anyone.

Let me ask you some serious questions...

How are you going to REALLY feel when he tells you his W is pregnant?

How are you going to REALLY feel with him sleeping next to her every night?

Hearing about their life together, their happiness?

 

Its going to make you feel like crap. You need to focus on YOU. Start repairing what is wrong with you and your M. Not trying to have some kind of R with him.

Please trust me. I know what Im talking about. Each time NC was broken, we thought we could be *friends* too. At first, it was great. Then the emotions always sneak in and take control over the situation. It will hurt every time you go back.

 

Give yourself a lot ( and I mean alot *years*) of time.....Maybe somewhere down the road you will learn what all this was for....

 

TT

[Nattie]

Me and my MM are in different states. And not like, RI and MA different states - more along the lines of FL and MO. Hasn't helped, really. I think we could be friends if we only ever talked about sports, but didn't make any bets on games, or make fun of each other's teams, and also never saw each other.

 

Maybe then.

LOL! You two are determined!! I don't know.... I've never been in that situation, I think if we couldn't physically be together regularly it would fizzle out, but I guess you don't know until you're placed in that scenerio.

[herself]

herself,

Please do not take this the wrong way and I know its not what you want to hear but....

Why are you going to do this to yourself? Right now, you are only a couple of months out of the EA. I am not sure how strong the EA was but right now it would be impossible for you and your AP to be friends. You are in the bargaining stage right now. I know, I have been there. You think to yourself, we can *still* be friends! That is a way I can *still* have him in my life and not say goodbye! It will work if I can just get these pesky feelings and boundaries under control. Its an illusion my dear. You cannot be close to him and NOT continue the EA.

How is this fair to your H? How is this fair to his W? Both of you walking around in love with each other? Its not. Its not fair to anyone.

Let me ask you some serious questions...

How are you going to REALLY feel when he tells you his W is pregnant?

How are you going to REALLY feel with him sleeping next to her every night?

Hearing about their life together, their happiness?

 

Its going to make you feel like crap. You need to focus on YOU. Start repairing what is wrong with you and your M. Not trying to have some kind of R with him.

Please trust me. I know what Im talking about. Each time NC was broken, we thought we could be *friends* too. At first, it was great. Then the emotions always sneak in and take control over the situation. It will hurt every time you go back.

 

Give yourself a lot ( and I mean alot *years*) of time.....Maybe somewhere down the road you will learn what all this was for....

 

TT

 

 

I want you to know i read your story and I see the simiarities, I will take what you said here under strong consideration but he already haf kids while we were together, I know he loves & sleeps with his W each night and loves her, no delusions there as i love & cuddle with my H each night.

See we never talked like a couple or about having a future. I think the EA was a mistake and he does too. We didnt mean to take it there, we fell deep but when it was over it was mutual and we both understood we needed to let go of that part.

TThis man is not mine, i am not his but ee were friends for so long and before being married and we never dated & never bad mouthed our spouses or talked of marital troubles. So, I feel there's a chance but i do want to still be cautious and am slowing down to consider your advice. Thank you so much for writing, i admire you.

[Waverly]

I totally agree with TurningTables. I've been trying to convince myself for months that I can be "just friends" again with my xAP. It is torture for both of us. Our feelings haven't changed, but we're going back to our lives, and god, the last thing I want to hear about is the house they bought together, or the family vacation they're planning. But then we're left giving each other superficial updates, in order to avoid giving each other that sick feeling when we hear about each other's lives. And what's the point in that? It's not a real friendship if all we can talk about is how work is going and what we thought about Downton Abbey.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that as long as the feelings are still there, it's impossible to be real friends.

 

(I should follow my own advice... )

[herself]

So the superficial updates are a safeguard to not get too deep & close but still seem better than pretending the other is dead no?

[Waverly]

So the superficial updates are a safeguard to not get too deep & close but still seem better than pretending the other is dead no?

 

Basically, yes. Neither of us wanted to totally cut it off (although we're at that point now -- see my zillion other agonized threads on that fun topic if you want), but telling each other real details about our lives was too painful. So, we tried to talk about benign things -- hey, how's that project at work going? Get a lot of snow lately? -- but it totally didn't work. I got resentful that I didn't know anything about his life anymore, and I'd take his silence on the topic to mean that things were wonderful at home for him, and that he'd totally moved on, and then we'd inevitably get into some painful conversation/argument. (And, umm, yes, I realize that writing that out makes me sound like a nutjob.)

 

It also was all just really close and the emotions were still raw. Part of me still hopes that one day we'll be able to be friends again. He was really important to me for years before our A, so I hate to think that's going to be lost as a result of this as well.

[Wambo]

I do believe it's possible but in most cases it's not.

 

 

Friendships and affairs are not one of the same. It like trying to be friends with someone you hate and wish they suffer from a painful death. It's not going to work and the same apply to post affair situations.

 

My exAP used to be a great friend of mine. She was a wonderful and caring woman and she treasured our friendship. The reason why I mention this is the cause of our affair had resulted her transformation into someone else. The way she behaved towards me during and post affair is radically different during pre affairs days. What I'm saying she isn't the same person I used to know and she wouldn't of done those things to me. It's like the invasion of the body snatchers. Completely different attitude and behaviour.

 

When I tried to savage our friendship, she saw it as a chance to resurrect the affair.

[herself]

I do believe it's possible but in most cases it's not.

 

 

Friendships and affairs are not one of the same. It like trying to be friends with someone you hate and wish they suffer from a painful death. It's not going to work and the same apply to post affair situations.

 

My exAP used to be a great friend of mine. She was a wonderful and caring woman and she treasured our friendship. The reason why I mention this is the cause of our affair had resulted her transformation into someone else. The way she behaved towards me during and post affair is radically different during pre affairs days. What I'm saying she isn't the same person I used to know and she wouldn't of done those things to me. It's like the invasion of the body snatchers. Completely different attitude and behaviour.

 

When I tried to savage our friendship, she saw it as a chance to resurrect the affair.

 

Interesting so how did she change? Im worried about myself having changed too. We have "broken up" rather tried to delete the affair & reboot the friendship before & were unsucessful as HE would pull us right back in....but I behaved differently initially.

I would be super friendly and VERY plantonic to a fault even though I was still lovesick and just wanted to speak freely & be us again.

But this time I feel the guilt was overwhelming him, it was getting hard & he was bedt man in his best friends wedding AND I suspect his first post baby date out with his wife....and I think the fact that they had a date...to a wedding...where vows are exchanged, it reminded him of when THEY got married...and he really shut down for 5 solid days after that, stone silence tjough I wasnt writing either....it was just an out of the blue NC.

 

Then we were done....just like that.

 

Either way i feel like the 2 months NC and the weeks of LC before that were a good break for us to calm (not completely for me) feelings get our footing.

I think if friendship was revived it would be slow and organic and Im treading careful waters.

 

Can u tell me more about what u would have wanted from her in friendship, and also did u mean she mistook you wanting to be friends as you still having feelings for her that were no longer there? And lastly what made u break up the affair?

[veritas lux mea]

I told my husband so friendship was out. But he was mad at me for telling so that wrecked any chance of friendship anyways.

 

But, I have chatted with him in public once. I didn't feel any animosity or attraction to him. So maybe friendship can't be maintained but I think civility can.

[herself]

I dont know where we will land but its already different. Its night and day. Its so foreign tot be loved and adored, not to be missed and loved.

In Rihannas song stay she says "the reason i hold on, is I need this hole gone"

maybe Im bargaining but I just want to try again to be friends and beat the odds.

Im probably gonna get hurt, but Im not leaving a friend cause we messed up.

[Waverly]

I was in a similar situation, having had an A with a MM who was first (for years prior) my best friend.

 

By the way, some here might remember me as Tenacity. I posted here for many years during my mess of a multi-year A. About a year ago I asked the moderators here to disable my account because I was just not in a good place and it was coming out in my posts. Now, unfortunately, I can't get a response from anyone when I ask to have it reinstated. So I am starting over *sigh*...

 

My response is a mix of the other responses. I can understand why you don't want to lose the friendship. I felt the same. The short answer is that yes it is possible, but it will cost you one way or another... you really do need to be free of the feelings you have for him or it won't work (living proof here). However, a number of years after the ending of my A, I am maintaining a friendship with him.

 

I don't know if I would choose that route again. Because I didn't do the 'no contact' thing - I tried, but he kept breaking it and I was just too much of a weak, pathetic mess to resist. We tried to be friends but it was extremely hard for me.

 

Even when I would tell myself that it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all, and even though I would be fine for awhile... I resented the change in our relationship and it came out in the form of anger at him. I resented that we were not as close. That he never said "I love you". I pictured him saying it to HER and wondered what was wrong with me that he preferred to say it to her... you get the picture.

 

Long story short (I know - too late)... I put myself through that hell for a few years and finally managed to get to the point that the feelings were over on my part. I was fine with hearing about his W (I was during the A too, but somehow not after the A). We can talk about lives and family with no problem. There are no expectations. There is NO flirting - not even a little.

 

Note that we live in separate states and don't see each other often, which helps.

 

Having said all of that, I have to tell you that it isn't the same. It just isn't. Too much has happened to go back to the way things were before.

 

That's what I keep struggling with too. I had a long-distance affair with a good friend. It's over, and I want to convince myself we can be friends again... but it's all changed.

 

You said you weren't sure you would choose that route again. Do you think it's just not really worth it, given how different things will have to be?

[Wambo]

Interesting so how did she change? Im worried about myself having changed too. We have "broken up" rather tried to delete the affair & reboot the friendship before & were unsucessful as HE would pull us right back in....but I behaved differently initially.

I would be super friendly and VERY plantonic to a fault even though I was still lovesick and just wanted to speak freely & be us again.

But this time I feel the guilt was overwhelming him, it was getting hard & he was bedt man in his best friends wedding AND I suspect his first post baby date out with his wife....and I think the fact that they had a date...to a wedding...where vows are exchanged, it reminded him of when THEY got married...and he really shut down for 5 solid days after that, stone silence tjough I wasnt writing either....it was just an out of the blue NC.

 

Then we were done....just like that.

 

Either way i feel like the 2 months NC and the weeks of LC before that were a good break for us to calm (not completely for me) feelings get our footing.

I think if friendship was revived it would be slow and organic and Im treading careful waters.

 

Can u tell me more about what u would have wanted from her in friendship, and also did u mean she mistook you wanting to be friends as you still having feelings for her that were no longer there? And lastly what made u break up the affair?

 

 

Sarah used to be very open with our friendship and she wanted me to be around her a lot of the time. She used to send me invites to her local pub(bar) and one time invited me to a woman all nighter.

Sarah and I had a platonic friendship and we had so much in common, there was the spark between us and we never get bored with each other conversation. It was a very good friendship but I had to put in barriers to prevent it going further and this is why I never met her outside of work. We had bumped into each other a few times but these encounters were never pre planned. I also need to mention our friendship did cross the line a few times but it was only temporoary and my barriers kept our friendship in check. Sadly these no contact rules outside of work may of aided the transformation of our platonic friendship into an emotional affair.

 

In the emotional affair Sarah was always excited and very happy to see me. Where before we got along well, now there is a lot of excitment and she always looked forward to our encounters. At the sametime trying to keep this a secret by avioding speaking to me when with her boyfriend and stopped wanting to meet me outside of work.

 

The emotional affair ended because I wanted to be with her but she still with her boyfriend. I felt it was best to move on because i was invested in her too much and I was stuck in limbo. At the time I didn't know I was in an emotional affair but shortly after I started googling love triangles.

 

I'm going to skip past the second emotional affair. It served no purpose except I confronted her about her behaviour and I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her.

 

Sarah and I had a great friendship and I wanted to savage it. I had feelings for her but I didn't want to lose her from my life. I was willing to take the knocks and bruises to get our friendship back. Instead I had to put up with lies, mind games and then I discovered the extent she was using me during the affair. Completely different to the person I once knew who valued our friendship. Instead I got a woman who wanted me to fight for her and this broke my heart because her attitude towards me changed so much. At this point I wanted nothing to do with her and set out a plan to slowly drift away from her life. It didn't work because she always make contact with me every four to five weeks.

 

Nowaday when Sarah comes to speak to me, she use a lot of caution and often speak softly and quietly. I need to add I haven't shouted at her or threatened her. Most of the time she say quick hello and walk off. Never stopping for any conversation or willing to hear what I will say back. She is either leaving the door open for a possible future togeather or just being polite.