My story as a cheater

[compulsivedancer]

Veritas, I just want to emphasize that not being able to carry to term does not make you less of a woman. A miscarriage is a heartbreaking thing to experience, and having to go through it many times must be so difficult.

 

I know that not being able to have children can be a challenge for men too, but a truly loving husband wants to stay with his wife regardless and love and support her. You thought you were saving him pain by not telling him about the last one, but you also caused him pain by not allowing him to provide comfort that only a husband can provide to a wife.

 

And it was probably a big factor in you "escaping" into an affair.

 

As far as your miscarriages go, you are blameless. I know you know this intellectually, but as someone who struggled with guilt after a miscarriage, I know you need to be told this. YOU did nothing wrong to cause it. You are not less of a person because your body can't support a baby to term.

 

(((((veritas)))))

 

I wish you and your husband the best.

[Fluttershy]

VLM,

 

Unless someone has a spouse who finally decides to get authentic and come clean they can't understand how vastly important that is to us. Yes it would have been better that he had never betrayed me in the first place. But when he finally snapped out of it I am glad he came to me.

 

Some of your posts make me squirm but it is good to see you are coming out of your fog and healing yourself. Keep working. If i have leaned something it would be that marriage isn't a destination but trily is a journey. You never "arrive".

 

I know you say hurtful comments are thinky veiled attacks don't bother you but even if it does a little I urge you to block those that have nothin better to do than think they know something they know absolutely nothing about because they have never been there. We don't need more waywards run off by jerks!

[janedoe67]

They should make you more then squirm I think. She is still talking to other men online after this. That's like an alcoholic who takes a job as a bartender.

 

Ok, not sure if this was directed specifically at me or at "jerks" in general. You are right about not knowing stuff, since all I know of this woman is what she has told us. But what I've read so far is pretty worrying. I also can't even imagine how pointing out shady behavior(flimsy excuses, etc.) makes one a jerk, not when this person willingly posted this on a forum.

 

I didn't come to her, SHE came here and posted her story. They need to put some sort of disclaimer when a person registers on this website that if you are a cheater? Don't expect every response you get to be positive. She says my comments weren't helpful, but then she didn't even want help. She asked for no advice or anything.

 

So for me, a "jerk" response would be someone coming in, merely calling her a bunch of names, and then leaving.

 

Anyways, ignoring everything else, the fact this woman is still talking online to men speaks volumes to me(as it should to anyone who isn't this chick). She just flat out shouldn't be doing it. It shows a lack of respect for her husband that she even wanted to continue this. I find the whole thing bizarre, and if the husband knows about it and is ok with it..that makes it even MORE bizarre.

 

You don't believe in forgiveness, redemption, or change. We get it. I assume this means you have left your "tainted" wife...or are you keeping her around to punish? That seems to be a popular option.

 

I don't understand the chatting with men either, especially after an affair. But her husband is ok with it.

[compulsivedancer]

JJ, it is common, and usually appreciated, for people to post a positive update on LS. In this scenario, there usually ISN'T a question, and it usually IS just a moment of congratulation. Sometimes people ask questions to better understand how the person got to the positive point.

 

Generally it is posted to encourage others and to provide an update.

 

If you don't understand the purpose, and the OP is not finding your "help" helpful, it is time to move on.

[sidney2718]

No we aren't pregnant. I can't carry to term. We stopped travelling because of ttc. But now that we are done with the heartache I think we should start travelling again.

 

Have you gotten medical advice about your tendency to miscarry? Upthread a ways you said that you blamed yourself for the miscarriages. You should NOT do that. It is not your personal fault. But medically perhaps something can be done.

[sidney2718]

I don't understand the chatting with men either, especially after an affair. But her husband is ok with it.

Back in the early days of the internet there were "newsgroups" which were like open forums with a dedicated topic. There was a lot of chatting on these, married men talking to married women, some taking it to private e-mail and others not. Very few of these newsgroups were moderated.

 

The chatting was all done out in the open and some of it, especially in the groups devoted to sexual problems, was rather explicit. But as far as I know, little happened that led to divorces -- although some people dropped out because of spousal disapproval.

 

As for the case in point, if the husband has access to the "chat", I see nothing wrong with it. Indeed, folks often find outside validation to be useful in increasing self-respect.

[veritas lux mea]

A few things to clarify.

 

This post was for the purpose of letting those who tried to talk sense to me that it was sinking in. I was getting things straightened in my head and heart. My husband has been patient with me and I am thankful for that as I realize most betrayed spouses are not. He is my rock. A few people asked valid questions that I had no problem answering. But an attack is an attack no matter how you sugar coat it. And just because I think someone is talking out of their arse doesn't mean I can't handle their opinion (it isn't truth... just an opinion). I don't even know what this means in this case. I can handle truth. Truth is I am not the most emotionally stable person anymore. The truth is I behaved in an horrid way that disgusts many people. The truth is I should have came clean sooner. But what is even more true is that I should never have engaged in an affair in the first place. But I did. And no, I didn't confess right away. I was intoxicated by the whole secrecy thing. It was fun. But it was a short lived pleasure that caused far more pain in destruction than it was worth. It screwed me up. I get that people feel my husband should have kicked me out on the day I told him. They think it would have snapped me up sooner. I'll be honest though I never mentioned to my husband the extent of emotional roller coaster. My split personality so to speak and double mind. I would not have come this far without his love and support.

 

dirty talk online. I thought I made it clear this was my porn equivalent. Anonymous people found online. But I was curious about some things I wasn't certain on xMM's personality and made a fake facebook account and contacted him. He instantly responded and wanted to get dirty with a random girl who said she was in town. He actually wanted to meet up with her like Ashley Madison. I didn't tell my H right away and then I did and showed him. He asked me if I believed now that xMM was a creeper who would hook up with any Vagina. And yes, it is true. I deleted the account. I also stopped the dirty chat with strangers and H has stopped porn in order to put all that into our sex life. Just the two of us.

 

I was confused about the part about me talking to xMM still as I am not. I thought it might be the catfish thing but I have not done that almost since I first started doing. I'd have to look at the date of that post but I think it has been over a month. Then I remembered I told someone on the OW you may not be friends anymore but you can be civil. So people know here on one post the background to that statement though I think I already posted about it. I saw my xMM before Christmas at a party. With my husband next to me xMM came and sat next to me and started chatting with me. As neither xMM or I have tried in any way to continue even a friendship my husband has no animosity towards him. He blames my behaviour on me and therefore feels there is no reason on this overlapping social interactions to behave rudely so long as they are being civil we will. xMM was not inappropriate and my husband could here everything we said. It was a brief conversation. It made me nervous and upset he would do that but it is my own fault for putting myself in a place where a guy sitting next to me would make me nervous or upset. No affair = no problems. I sucked it up and didn't make a scene forour mutual friends and my husband. I can be civil.

 

I am not talking to my xMM still. I hope that is clear.

[veritas lux mea]

Have you gotten medical advice about your tendency to miscarry? Upthread a ways you said that you blamed yourself for the miscarriages. You should NOT do that. It is not your personal fault. But medically perhaps something can be done.

 

The whole works. And to be honest I did carry past a miscarriage with the pregnancy before my last one. The one that really broke me. I always lost in the first or second trimester but I made it to 31 weeks. We thought we were in the clear. Our son (I got a lot of ultrasounds due to my issues) was growing well and active. We had painted the nursery this time and decided on a name. We had stopped telling people after my first miscarriage I was pregnant. This time we announced it. And then one day I couldn't feel any movement. I called my obstetrician and got an appointment that day. My husband met me at his office and I remember being numb and cold. I knew it was over. The ultra sound confirmed he was dead. I had to go through labour this time and give birth to a child I knew wasn't breathing. When I held him and looked at him I willed him to start breathing. They medicated me heavily and so afterwards it was more like an out of body experience. I went through the motions. I came around. I told my husband even though I knew I had made it past the miscarriage stage I couldn't handle losing another child. He understood but we still decided to wait on anything permanent. Let some time pass. I went on the pill and we started using protection.

 

That is when I got pregnant again. That was when I decided I couldn't get my husband's or my own hope up. But it was because i had carried the last baby so far and hadn't went into early labour technically the baby had just died (I hate saying it for some reason it feels worse) I wondered if my miscarriage problem was over. I think my hope was too high and so when I miscarried it made me go cold.

 

I am sorry people see this as a poor excuse. It wasn't like I thought to myself. "hey I lost another baby maybe I should go have some on the side." It wasn't that conscious of a decision. I just know now looking back that I should have sought help with grief after our son's death. And that I should have not tried to go through it alone when I got pregnant again. I believe those things created a very unhealthy environment inside of me. What I did can never be explained to the rational mind. That is why my disclaimer is "I am crazy". But I am getting better. I will be well again after all I was once before.

[peruano99]

Is your husband allowed to have dirty messages with strange women too OP?

[veritas lux mea]

Is your husband allowed to have dirty messages with strange women too OP?

 

Yep but he wasn't in to it. He enjoyed the visual of porn more than the verbal.

 

We decided, as a couple, to cut out porn and chatrooms and just focus on both of us. It has been great so far.

 

This chatting thing was never a daily activity. I'd get on a kick and then maybe do porn or erotica. And back again. I still don't see how it is oh so much more horrible than watching to strangers doing it and being stimulated by it. I was stimulated by words not pictures. Remember, no real info was exchanged and no personal stuff shared. I didn't even chat with the same guy twice. But, because of things being rocky it seemed we needed to try closing the boundaries in. Though there really is no rule about it. More like a challenge.

 

To be honest I had only chatted two or three times since my confession. The erotica was harder to break habit from.

 

And to that other long winded, missed the point, and missed key things i have said more than once. Your opinion is not fact or truth. It doesn't upset me or anything. Your delivery is terrible. Your attitude is rediculous. And your POV is not in touch with reality at all. But that is your freedom and choice to be that way and think that way and share it. Just because I see no value in it doesn't mean I can't handle it. It means I simply disagree and feel you are wrong. No matter how often you give "subtle" and not so subtle insults, belittle, or in general act like you are God himself and anyone that does not accept your point of view as fact itself can't handle what you have to say, i will still disagree with your attitude and approach. We will never agree on a lot of things. It is that simple.

 

Can you handle that? Lol.

[BeholdtheMan]

I cheated on my husband. There was this guy that was new and exciting and I responded to his advances because it was nice to be noticed by someone new

 

But I got past that stage and the thought of anyone other than my husband touching me is gross.

 

That's what you say now

 

Oh...and I'm glad you like porn

[aliveagain]

A few things to clarify.

 

This post was for the purpose of letting those who tried to talk sense to me that it was sinking in. I was getting things straightened in my head and heart. My husband has been patient with me and I am thankful for that as I realize most betrayed spouses are not. He is my rock. A few people asked valid questions that I had no problem answering. But an attack is an attack no matter how you sugar coat it. And just because I think someone is talking out of their arse doesn't mean I can't handle their opinion (it isn't truth... just an opinion). I don't even know what this means in this case. I can handle truth. Truth is I am not the most emotionally stable person anymore. The truth is I behaved in an horrid way that disgusts many people. The truth is I should have came clean sooner. But what is even more true is that I should never have engaged in an affair in the first place. But I did. And no, I didn't confess right away. I was intoxicated by the whole secrecy thing. It was fun. But it was a short lived pleasure that caused far more pain in destruction than it was worth. It screwed me up. I get that people feel my husband should have kicked me out on the day I told him. They think it would have snapped me up sooner. I'll be honest though I never mentioned to my husband the extent of emotional roller coaster. My split personality so to speak and double mind. I would not have come this far without his love and support.

 

dirty talk online. I thought I made it clear this was my porn equivalent. Anonymous people found online. But I was curious about some things I wasn't certain on xMM's personality and made a fake facebook account and contacted him. He instantly responded and wanted to get dirty with a random girl who said she was in town. He actually wanted to meet up with her like Ashley Madison. I didn't tell my H right away and then I did and showed him. He asked me if I believed now that xMM was a creeper who would hook up with any Vagina. And yes, it is true. I deleted the account. I also stopped the dirty chat with strangers and H has stopped porn in order to put all that into our sex life. Just the two of us.

 

I was confused about the part about me talking to xMM still as I am not. I thought it might be the catfish thing but I have not done that almost since I first started doing. I'd have to look at the date of that post but I think it has been over a month. Then I remembered I told someone on the OW you may not be friends anymore but you can be civil. So people know here on one post the background to that statement though I think I already posted about it. I saw my xMM before Christmas at a party. With my husband next to me xMM came and sat next to me and started chatting with me. As neither xMM or I have tried in any way to continue even a friendship my husband has no animosity towards him. He blames my behaviour on me and therefore feels there is no reason on this overlapping social interactions to behave rudely so long as they are being civil we will. xMM was not inappropriate and my husband could here everything we said. It was a brief conversation. It made me nervous and upset he would do that but it is my own fault for putting myself in a place where a guy sitting next to me would make me nervous or upset. No affair = no problems. I sucked it up and didn't make a scene forour mutual friends and my husband. I can be civil.

 

I am not talking to my xMM still. I hope that is clear.

 

You have an amazing husband, not all of us are as forgiving and to some infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. The highlighted part of this post is what I have the hardest part understanding. A temporary relief that only benefited you, it did nothing in regards to helping your marriage. It was a false high that in the long term did more damage to you and your relationship with your husband. As understanding as he may be he still had to eat another sh*t sandwich because he wants to keep you in his life, that is the imbalance your affair caused. That is the big white elephant that will always be in the room, it may not show up for weeks, months or even years but it will always be there.

 

You crossed a line that only you chose to do. Your husband must have gone through his own pain when you miscarried but he remained faithful. You can never take that back, you can't undo what you and your affair partner did to your husband. My question to you, why should your husband believe your word now, you gave him your word when you married him, that didn't work out very well for him. He may be the most forgiving guy on the planet but believe me, he will have days when the vision of you with other man will be too much for him. I would have a hard time feeling safe with you but your challenge is making your husband feel safe.

[Zenstudent]

You have an amazing husband, not all of us are as forgiving and to some infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. The highlighted part of this post is what I have the hardest part understanding. A temporary relief that only benefited you, it did nothing in regards to helping your marriage. It was a false high that in the long term did more damage to you and your relationship with your husband. As understanding as he may be he still had to eat another sh*t sandwich because he wants to keep you in his life, that is the imbalance your affair caused. That is the big white elephant that will always be in the room, it may not show up for weeks, months or even years but it will always be there.

 

You crossed a line that only you chose to do. Your husband must have gone through his own pain when you miscarried but he remained faithful. You can never take that back, you can't undo what you and your affair partner did to your husband. My question to you, why should your husband believe your word now, you gave him your word when you married him, that didn't work out very well for him. He may be the most forgiving guy on the planet but believe me, he will have days when the vision of you with other man will be too much for him. I would have a hard time feeling safe with you but your challenge is making your husband feel safe.

This is cut to the bone. And isn't it what we all struggle with, how to feel safe again, no matter if we reconcile or divorce? If anyone cracks the code, I would like to know - I miss that feeling very much. Just PM me:-)

 

Maybe it's just better to learn how to somehow deal with the unsafety and uncertainty.

 

VLM, how do you create a safe environment?

[veritas lux mea]

I think it is important to note that gender stereotypes don't fit all. Just because I as a woman feel one way does not mean I expect all women to feel the same based on their hormones and reproductive organs. Thoughts, feelings and actions are not just gender related they are also formed by life experience. I do believe even accross the genders people can find similarities. And I do believe in a majority that helps create gender stereotypes. But I also believe in a miniority. And I know my husband is a miniority. The affair hurt my husband deeply. He was very disappointed in me. But he was simply not as devestated as many who post here nor did he ever have feelings of his manhood being challenged. I believe that makes a big difference in our lives. Your welcome to believe what you want and feel because you and those around you feel different that he must be in denial or rug sweeping. But I live with him and I know the truth. That he loves me with his whole heart. Enough to give me a second chance. Enough to give up having kids and enough to work on the problems I created in our marriage with me even though everything right down to the miscarriages are my fault and nothing to do with any of his issues.

 

As far as making him safe. Giving up external sexual gratification and being a 100% honest with him about everything like I was before is all I can do. Whether he feels safe again or not he acts and talks like he does. That is all I have to go on. There is nothing more I can do on my end.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Many people use voyeur and chat stimulation as a way to add a little spice to your life. The problem is that they don’t solve the situation, but merely complicate the issue. Men particularly use voyeur, but it is hard for people in real life to match up with a video. This then can cause problems with real physical relationships, because the visual stimulation is not the same. You also have a real variety in video that you don’t get in real life. Chat on the other hand is a real person on the other end and the lines get blurred. This can make the people more susceptible to outside influences that may have been rejected outright under normal circumstances. I think the learning point for others is the path that you and your husband have chosen, which is honestly and engaging one another. You are correct the truth enlightens us all.

[compulsivedancer]

I don't understand the responses to this post. This is a WW talking about working through R. She is no longer cheating, she is making progress. She is making changes to support that progress. I feel like instead of helping a "sinner" reform, giving a WW the toolbox and support to keep going and to help her H, posters are using the thread as a place to tear her down.

 

I feel like she is past that point. That should be reserved for WWs that don't get it yet, or are actively hurting their H, or don't understand why their H is hurting.

 

Why not offer posts to HELP the OP in her quest to repair her marriage. Instead you seem to be focused on the punishment aspect. She and her H are past that stage. You (posters) missed that time period.

 

Or is this just a type of hazing? She's new to the Infidelity side of the forum so we have to rough her up a little before the support starts. Only the tough get to stay? It's bizarre and counterproductive.

 

OP, I hope your R continues to go well. There are a lot of helpful people here. Unfortunately, most of them just haven't found your thread yet.

[Dimepiece]

You're a perfect example as to why I'll never get married.

[WakingUp]

OP, I just want to say... I really like you.

 

 

I am so sorry that life has dealt you such a rough deal, and I wish you well.

 

 

Do not listen to the doom and gloom on here... please just keep holding your head up high and keep going. One step at a time.

 

 

((hugs)) from me.

[Zenstudent]

I don't understand the responses to this post. This is a WW talking about working through R. She is no longer cheating, she is making progress. She is making changes to support that progress. I feel like instead of helping a "sinner" reform, giving a WW the toolbox and support to keep going and to help her H, posters are using the thread as a place to tear her down.

 

I feel like she is past that point. That should be reserved for WWs that don't get it yet, or are actively hurting their H, or don't understand why their H is hurting.

 

Why not offer posts to HELP the OP in her quest to repair her marriage. Instead you seem to be focused on the punishment aspect. She and her H are past that stage. You (posters) missed that time period.

 

Or is this just a type of hazing? She's new to the Infidelity side of the forum so we have to rough her up a little before the support starts. Only the tough get to stay? It's bizarre and counterproductive.

 

OP, I hope your R continues to go well. There are a lot of helpful people here. Unfortunately, most of them just haven't found your thread yet.

I agree that there appear to be a few posts, that apparantly fail the helpfullness test. I'm not quite sure if you included my post in your assessment, but I primarily use one tool from my box, and that's to empathize with the BS - it's for the most part an easy thing to do being one myself.

 

Just to be clear, I think it's great that this couple seems to be on a happy path so early in the proces. The only thing I wanted to point out with my post to OP was that trust and safety probably will be central issues in the future - whether it's out in the open or not.

 

Thinking about how to adress this issue, prepare for it and work on it is key to future success. The couple may survive, but they're probably not over it just yet, and just like that. IMHO.

[aliveagain]

I know my posts come across as attacking, my intent is to get you to try and understand what your Betrayed Spouse is feeling, what his concerns are and those concerns may give you a path to create safety and maybe even bullet proofing your relationship.

 

My concern regarding your posting that you continue to have a fantasy online sexual life with strange men and he keeps looking at perfect women performing sex on a computer screen is It's all fake, it's not a bonding relationship, your spending time with fictional other people instead of creating your own amazing memories. You're like that Bruce Willis movie about a husband and wife that have imaginary online lives with amazing bodies but in reality they are locked in their rooms living life through their characters. You are not dealing with what got you in trouble in the first place, your booth tempting fate. You are still intimate with strangers.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree that there appear to be a few posts, that apparantly fail the helpfullness test. I'm not quite sure if you included my post in your assessment, but I primarily use one tool from my box, and that's to empathize with the BS - it's for the most part an easy thing to do being one myself.

 

Just to be clear, I think it's great that this couple seems to be on a happy path so early in the proces. The only thing I wanted to point out with my post to OP was that trust and safety probably will be central issues in the future - whether it's out in the open or not.

 

Thinking about how to adress this issue, prepare for it and work on it is key to future success. The couple may survive, but they're probably not over it just yet, and just like that. IMHO.

Zen, you are one of the more helpful posters on LS and I don't think I've ever found a post of yours objectionable. Actually, a lot of what you say reminds me of H.

 

There's nothing wrong with asking hard questions or pointing out flaws. In the right circumstances, an attack can even be warranted. (Although I'd still caution the poster). I get the flak early on, but what people like JJ are telling the OP is that any progress she and her H have made is worthless and she can never be "redeemed" as a person or a spouse. It's obnoxious and in no way useful.

[compulsivedancer]

I know my posts come across as attacking, my intent is to get you to try and understand what your Betrayed Spouse is feeling, what his concerns are and those concerns may give you a path to create safety and maybe even bullet proofing your relationship.

 

My concern regarding your posting that you continue to have a fantasy online sexual life with strange men and he keeps looking at perfect women performing sex on a computer screen is It's all fake, it's not a bonding relationship, your spending time with fictional other people instead of creating your own amazing memories. You're like that Bruce Willis movie about a husband and wife that have imaginary online lives with amazing bodies but in reality they are locked in their rooms living life through their characters. You are not dealing with what got you in trouble in the first place, your booth tempting fate. You are still intimate with strangers.

I think she did this at first but isn't doing it any more.

[revelations]

VLM I do think that it is great that you and your BH are in recovery. For me something like infidelity is a deal breaker. Some people may see a BH choosing to stay as being a weak wuss or something like that. Others may feel the BH is strong and confident. Truthfully a BH staying and choosing to remain married to a WW I can see both traits. He can be weak feeling that he will not ever find someone else, he could be afraid to be alone, any number of things. However the BH may be strong in the since that he does not take the sex you gave the OM as emasculating to him. The BH may also not see this as being rejected to the extent that others do. Bottom line is that it depends on the perspective that your BH has and also how it is nurtured. You posted on my thread that their was not anything sexually that you would not do for your BH. This is a good example of nurturing your BH's perspective that you feel he is important in your life even more so then your xOM.

 

A lot of people will come off an attack a FWW because they have suffered the hurt themselves. Lashing out is a typical responds to feeling fear and danger. Some people will lash out at everyone or target a certain group such as a WW or FWW. I have been guilty of this myself, I guarantee you that if Compulsive Dancer had read my post she would have been disturbed by it to say the least. However it was blocked by the moderators so no one ever seen it. For me at the time the sting that my XWW caused was surfacing again so I was not thinking and reacting on more raw emotions. I usually try and take the approach of picking a FWW's brain for information. This way i can be more aware of the signs that I am being cheated on or if their is a high risk of it. I also try and learn what the mindset is during the affair and after when they are recovering. Looking at all things such as how they speak of their BH and also what actions they say that have been taken. If the action is damaging to the recovery I see how they try and justify it on their posts.

 

It seems to me you have taken some great steps towards recovery. Truthfully the whole thing about dirty chat to other men would tick me off, however if this is not an issue to your BH then to each his own. However never loose sight of the fact that this affair has hurt your husband and will continue to do so for the rest of his life. After time has passed he may not suffer from it every day or even every other month, but it will always be there. The fact that you do not hold back with your husband sexually probably helps a lot. Just know that this is not the only thing you need to be doing. Your BH is staying with you and choosing to recover with you, remember this is a choice not a want. When you two first married he probably wanted you, now you are a choice. Some may ask what the difference is and I will say to look it up, the difference is great. Know that you can never fully compensate him for the pain you have inflicted upon him. He is paying the price for the pleasure you have had with the xOM. Look up the word amends and incorporate it daily with your BH. This does not mean grovel or be a door mat. Is what it is that you find ways of letting him know he is special to you, that you are thankful for him choosing to stay with you. You have stated that your BH does not need his ego stroked or anything like that. However anything from small gestures to grand ones that helps make him feel safe with you and loved by you does go a long ways.

 

I know for myself that it was not just about not trusting my XWW it was about trusting myself. For me by staying with her I was not protecting myself from more pain. This is were people often get confused in saying that I am unforgiving. Forgiveness is an action that is to help the one that is hurt, not the one doing the hurting. If I invite a person into my house and they steal my mothers ill-replaceable wedding ring. That person that stole it may not ever be able to make up for my loss. I can forgive them for that horrible action they have taken against me. However because I forgive them it does not mean I am required to invite them back into my house and leave my mothers bracelet out for them to steal. I am not required to even let them back into my house or remain friends with them. Forgiveness is an act that frees the offended from the hurt. However it is not an act that requires the offended to prove his forgiveness by placing themselves at more risk of being hurt. For example a WS can be forgiven for the affair, however the BS does not have to remain married in order to prove that. You can loan money out to a friend, and if the friend does not pay it back you can forgive the debt. However this does not mean that you must loan out more money to that friend.

 

So always keep it in mind that your BH's forgiveness is in no way linked to staying with you. This is why I say making that daily amends is important to any WS. Continue to be that open book with him. Volunteer information to him that he is unaware of. If you see he is upset or having a difficult time, offer to listen and reassure him. Be that FWW that is happy you have a chance to make your BH feel like he made the right choice by staying with you. Now if you really want to have bragging rights, come back on here and tell us or PM me and let us know what you have been doing to accomplish this. If I can say "wow I would give anything to have a FWW like her, I would have been happy to stay with her", then you have something to brag about. Truthfully I hope one day I will read something you post were I can think that about you, actually any FWW.

Edited March 21, 2014 by revelations
posted to the wrong thread, had mixed up two different posts