My story as a cheater

[veritas lux mea]

I cheated on my husband. There was this guy that was new and exciting and I responded to his advances because it was nice to be noticed by someone new. I was down because I had another miscarriage. Hadn't told my husband this time because I hated being such a failure. I guess you could say I self medicated. And then I got addicted to the forbidden fruit. I eventually told my husband but I did after a while regret pissing my xMM off by telling his wife. I wondered if we could have worked something out. But I got past that stage and the thought of anyone other than my husband touching me is gross. Specially him! I don't like when I remember him touching me. I feel dirty and shame. I catfished him and everyone here thought i was crazy. And I am. Eventually told my husband and we found out a lot that way. He is a creep. I mean I should have known that but I was being a creep too so pot kettly you know?

 

After the catfishing my H and I discussed how we allow me to dirty chat woth strangers. It was sort of my version of porn. We don't and still don't see the difference. But we decided for us we should try to do less of that and more of each other. He has looked at porn once in a month and I haven't done any chatting or erotica or porn. It has been fabulous and we have had so much fun! I recommend anyone even if you think your sex life is great give it a try. As neither of us have a problem with porn it isn't a forbidden fruit. We are just taking that tension, pretending we don't live in the age of porn, and put it towards each other. No one be offended. I am not saying porn is wrong.

 

So there is my story in a nutshell. We are doing great and my past is a thing of the past.

[harrybrown]

Do you wish you could go back and not have the affair?

 

Did your affair ever hurt your H? Is he still hurting or does he not tell you?

 

Did you let your H have some free passes due to your affair?

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for sharing. You sound as if your marriage is recovered. If I may ask, how would you describe your husband's recovery? How long has it been? I'm curious what it took to reconcile and how it went. Typical estimates are 2-5 years but I get the impression that yours went more quickly. Do you think your H is as optimistic as you?

[veritas lux mea]

Do you wish you could go back and not have the affair?

Yeah it wasn't worth it. But there is no point of dwelling on it cuz I did have an affair and that will never change no matter all the wishes.

 

Did your affair ever hurt your H? Is he still hurting or does he not tell you?

It hurt him cuz i always tell him everything and it disappointed him because he thought I was better than that. It doesn't bother him anymore. It is over and done with. People might say I don't know but I do. His words and actions prove it true.

 

Did you let your H have some free passes due to your affair?

 

I don't "let" my husband do anything. It is his choice. If he feels he wants to I can't stop him. But he doesn't. He said doing so would just lower himself to my level (that one hurt) and he has no desire to hurt me as payback or involve someone else in that.

 

Hope that answers your questions.

[veritas lux mea]

Thanks for sharing. You sound as if your marriage is recovered. If I may ask, how would you describe your husband's recovery? How long has it been? I'm curious what it took to reconcile and how it went. Typical estimates are 2-5 years but I get the impression that yours went more quickly. Do you think your H is as optimistic as you?

 

My first post was more of the essence of my story but I changed a lot because I thought the other side might come here. But I have since realized it is silly to think anyone would connect me out of thousands of people to real life me. I did lose my virginity to my husband but I was not sexually inexperienced in other areas and we broke up for a couple years where I had other sex though always wild and often painful. That is an example of something I changed. Also I may have changed any time frames. In truth my affair became physical in oct 2012 and I spilled the beans to my husband in January 2013. My affair partner and I were physical five times with penetration twice.

 

Forgot some things. My husband and I are doing well. No one told us the 2-5 year thing so we aren't just biding our time to until next January where we will shout hurrah! We are reconciled. Our marriage journey isn't over until it is over.

Edited February 19, 2014 by veritas lux mea

[Chi townD]

Wait? so you cheated. But, now he LOOKS at porn and you have sexual chat sessions with people?

 

Not to be rude, but it sounds like you and your husband are one step away from becoming swingers. I mean, I have nothing against porn when you're just looking at images on a screen. But, talking to actual live people in a sexual manner is foreign to me.

 

But, if it's working for you; then, HEY! CHEERS! (as long as it stays chat and chat only!)

 

Or maybe I'm just not understanding you correctly....

[veritas lux mea]

Wait? so you cheated. But, now he LOOKS at porn and you have sexual chat sessions with people?

 

Not to be rude, but it sounds like you and your husband are one step away from becoming swingers. I mean, I have nothing against porn when you're just looking at images on a screen. But, talking to actual live people in a sexual manner is foreign to me.

 

But, if it's working for you; then, HEY! CHEERS! (as long as it stays chat and chat only!)

 

Or maybe I'm just not understanding you correctly....

 

No we always did that. Chatrooms were my equivelant to his porn. I had rules like I couldn't give any personal info or plan to meet them or actually carry on long with one guy and talk about personal stuff. More like interactive erotica. But we decided to stop doing that and focus on our real life physical acts.

[Chi townD]

No we always did that. Chatrooms were my equivelant to his porn. I had rules like I couldn't give any personal info or plan to meet them or actually carry on long with one guy and talk about personal stuff. More like interactive erotica. But we decided to stop doing that and focus on our real life physical acts.

 

OH!! Okay! Well, that's AWESOME! Congrats!

 

You know what you should do? Just out of the blue, surprise him a getaway weekend at a B&B somewhere! You two deserve it! And it's a great way to reconnect or to help keep that connection strong. Plus, IT'S FUN!!!

 

I mean, hey, you could have lost your marriage over this, so.....treat yourselves for making it where a LOT have failed.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Chi townD

[veritas lux mea]

OH!! Okay! Well, that's AWESOME! Congrats!

 

You know what you should do? Just out of the blue, surprise him a getaway weekend at a B&B somewhere! You two deserve it! And it's a great way to reconnect or to help keep that connection strong. Plus, IT'S FUN!!!

 

I mean, hey, you could have lost your marriage over this, so.....treat yourselves for making it where a LOT have failed.

 

Thanks for that. I know I rub people the wrong way on here because I usually post when my head is stuck on something to unstick it and I don't see the point in trying to make forum friends. But your post made me happy and is a great idea. We've talked about doing a second honeymoon. My difficulties carrying to term cut into our travel. Instead of talking about it we should just do it.

[snappytomcat]

I cheated on my husband. There was this guy that was new and exciting and I responded to his advances because it was nice to be noticed by someone new. I was down because I had another miscarriage. Hadn't told my husband this time because I hated being such a failure. I guess you could say I self medicated. And then I got addicted to the forbidden fruit. I eventually told my husband but I did after a while regret pissing my xMM off by telling his wife. I wondered if we could have worked something out. But I got past that stage and the thought of anyone other than my husband touching me is gross. Specially him! I don't like when I remember him touching me. I feel dirty and shame. I catfished him and everyone here thought i was crazy. And I am. Eventually told my husband and we found out a lot that way. He is a creep. I mean I should have known that but I was being a creep too so pot kettly you know?

 

After the catfishing my H and I discussed how we allow me to dirty chat woth strangers. It was sort of my version of porn. We don't and still don't see the difference. But we decided for us we should try to do less of that and more of each other. He has looked at porn once in a month and I haven't done any chatting or erotica or porn. It has been fabulous and we have had so much fun! I recommend anyone even if you think your sex life is great give it a try. As neither of us have a problem with porn it isn't a forbidden fruit. We are just taking that tension, pretending we don't live in the age of porn, and put it towards each other. No one be offended. I am not saying porn is wrong.

 

So there is my story in a nutshell. We are doing great and my past is a thing of the past.

thank you for sharing

my dday was last june,and my husband has always said that the thought,of touching her,or anything physical with her,makes him sick to his stomach,and he felt dirty,and low for many months.

I had a hard time believing this,but he said it wasn't until he could see clearly he realized this.

im happy your marriage is getting better,so is mine

[peruano99]

So were you two in an open relationship before? Since you said you were messing with people before the affair happened.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for that. I know I rub people the wrong way on here because I usually post when my head is stuck on something to unstick it and I don't see the point in trying to make forum friends. But your post made me happy and is a great idea. We've talked about doing a second honeymoon. My difficulties carrying to term cut into our travel. Instead of talking about it we should just do it.

 

 

Well, posters like you make some of us want to bash our heads against the wall, but it's an absolute delight when we see you "get it".

 

For instance, one of my closest friends on here was Hedashed. He doesn't post here anymore because he's fully recovered and has moved on with his life. But, when he discovered his girlfriend cheated on him. She wasn't remorseful and acted like he owed her a second chance. He came here LOOKING for advice but never TOOK advice. For almost a YEAR we watched this girl use and abuse this poor guy and he became the poster boy for a doormat as she cheated on him several more times. I seriously wanted to fly to England and smack him in the head personally.

 

Until, one day, he woke up and he FINALLY got it! He started to take advice and applied it. He finally got rid of the witch of a girlfriend. We had to hold his hand through the NC process because this girl was playing hardball. Until he finally put his foot down and the constant contact started to stop.

 

When she was done with him. He had absolutely NOTHING! Lost his job, living in his parents basement (I think) no education, last job was driving a service van or something. Then, we started to give him advice on how to make positive changes in his life. He got into school, studied computers and then he start his own web design company. It was slow going at first but his business start to sky rocket and is still really successful. To the point where (the last time I talked to him) He was given an award from some Lord because of his story about starting off in the gutter to working his way up into corporate Britain and it was featured in the paper. We talked through PM and I congratulated him and he said he was happy with the award and humbled by it, but he was REALLY happy about the newspaper spread! He said it really made his contract numbers jump through free advertisement! LOL!!!

 

So, he got it and he's extremely happy. I like to think that we had a hand in his success story. And I LOVE to read about yours! If traveling is going to be a problem with your pregnancy (congrats on that, BTW!) then do something local! Make reservations at some swanky restaurant in town! Surprise him with an intimate evening out.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Chi townD

[veritas lux mea]

No we aren't pregnant. I can't carry to term. We stopped travelling because of ttc. But now that we are done with the heartache I think we should start travelling again.

[Chi townD]

Opps! I'm sorry, I misread.

 

Well, there you go! Make something happen! Surprise him! If he asks why, just tell him that he deserves to be treated because things could have went a hellva lot different.

 

Damn, I'm getting excited for you! And a little jealous because my wander lust has been kicking in a lot lately.

 

Hey, if you need travel advice or idea's, I'm your guy! Not too many places I haven't been.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Chi townD

[BetrayedH]

My first post was more of the essence of my story but I changed a lot because I thought the other side might come here. But I have since realized it is silly to think anyone would connect me out of thousands of people to real life me. I did lose my virginity to my husband but I was not sexually inexperienced in other areas and we broke up for a couple years where I had other sex though always wild and often painful. That is an example of something I changed. Also I may have changed any time frames. In truth my affair became physical in oct 2012 and I spilled the beans to my husband in January 2013. My affair partner and I were physical five times with penetration twice.

 

Forgot some things. My husband and I are doing well. No one told us the 2-5 year thing so we aren't just biding our time to until next January where we will shout hurrah! We are reconciled. Our marriage journey isn't over until it is over.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

The power of a voluntary confession never ceases to amaze me.

 

Best of luck to you and your H.

[veritas lux mea]

Thanks for the reply.

 

The power of a voluntary confession never ceases to amaze me.

 

Best of luck to you and your H.

 

Thank you. I've heard many people say that is all the lies that really get to them. Even after getting caught. I think by telling my husband I showed him I was done with lying to him. I haven't always been quick on honesty but i am learning. I only recently told him about the last miscarriage. I didn't want him to think it was an excuse to me. He held me and we both cried. He told me I should never feel I need to carry the grief alone. We have discussed him gettin a vasectomy but it is really hard to let go. I think it is time though. I think me telling him about the last one right before my getting involved with xMM has made him decide it is time as well.

[veritas lux mea]

So were you two in an open relationship before? Since you said you were messing with people before the affair happened.

 

I am sorry I missed your post somehow. Only online chatting was allowed with nothing personal. Like a fantasy thing.

[ThatMan]

I hope that I am not stirring up any bad feelings by asking this...

 

How are you holding up since the miscarriage? If things are bad I hope that you feel comfortable enough to speak about things with other people. The second honeymoon is a great idea. But to place a greater importance on what was already said: weekend getaways are great. Anything that you two can do together, even including date nights and simple but fun dates are all great for reconnecting again. Just a simple walk together can help build a connection. All I want to suggest is that there are still many opportunities out there to enjoy.

[veritas lux mea]

I hope that I am not stirring up any bad feelings by asking this...

 

How are you holding up since the miscarriage? If things are bad I hope that you feel comfortable enough to speak about things with other people. The second honeymoon is a great idea. But to place a greater importance on what was already said: weekend getaways are great. Anything that you two can do together, even including date nights and simple but fun dates are all great for reconnecting again. Just a simple walk together can help build a connection. All I want to suggest is that there are still many opportunities out there to enjoy.

 

It has been over a year since my last miscarriage. Telling my husband about it finally brought up some fresh pain as well as us seriously considering a vasectomy. It is hard to let go of something you wanted since you were a child. So there is pain. I have miscarried in very trimester. When I went in to early labour and I help my baby for the first time it broke my heart. We decided to stop trying for a while. I couldn't handle it anymore. Then while using protection I got pregnant again. I didn't tell my husband or anyone. I miscarried two weeks after that. Drove myself to the hospital and everything by my self. I shouldn't have tried to do it on my own but at the time I thought I'd at least spare him.

 

There is a part of me that has felt at times my husband should find a wife that can have kids for him. I think that played a part in my really hard journey. But he has chosen me, warts and all. And I could never find anyone I love more than him. That wouldn't be fair to any future relationship.

 

So after all that. I am doing better about the miscarriages than I was but I still am completely broken having a baby isn't in the stars for me. We are on an adoption list but it has been three years. I really don't want to out my hope in that and face yet another disappointment. I have friends who had bio mom change her mind and take her baby back. After all my miscarriages I don't think I would be strong enough for that.

[aliveagain]

Light, Truth and Courage, why did you choose an affair over telling your husband about how you were feeling? Why did you decide to trash your marriage by allowing a predator into it? Why was that easier than talking to your husband and trying to resolve the issues? What's different now, are you doing the work? Why do you deserve a second chance?

[veritas lux mea]

Light, Truth and Courage, why did you choose an affair over telling your husband about how you were feeling? Why did you decide to trash your marriage by allowing a predator into it? Why was that easier than talking to your husband and trying to resolve the issues? What's different now, are you doing the work? Why do you deserve a second chance?

 

why do we decide to do anything? because at the time it seems the best. I didn't decide it all in one day. I already answered why I decided to keep the miscarriage to myself. I didn't and don't think of xMM as a predator just an opportunist. He didn't hound me. His attention rubbed me the right way. I wasn't chatting online because of the whole emotional side but it felt good. I didn't think I would get caught and didn't but I realize now or I knew all along and just didn't think about it that every day I tempted fate in being caught. Not because I was sloppy but because all it takes is intuition. I also know that my husband hadn't got to thinking I was actually cheating but he had noticed xMM was behaving oddly towards me. hot-cold. It would have only been a matter of time. I didn't know this then and my affair was quite short. No matter how careful you are you can be caught. But well, you know that.

 

I never told my affair partner about the miscarriage. He knew about the others as they were family friends. I didn't turn to him in that way. I just escaped reality for a fantasy liaison. You can't understand because you haven't done it.

 

There were no issues between my husband and I. The ones I talked about before was just in my head. I still hadn't realized I was changing history. Sex with husband was the only problem but it wasn't his fault it was mine. Or not really mine but the miscarriages. I was not getting aroused physically. My husband has an almost 6" girth dick. If I am not aroused even lube doesn't help with entry. That made sex painful. But it wasn't always like that. IT just had been like that long enough that when I had sex with xMM it felt different. I know now it was just circumstantial.

 

Our sex life is good. I told my husband about the affair and then the miscarriage (recently). He told me he would give me a second chance. So I guess it doesn't matter whether I deserve it or not I get one.

 

My husband had the perfect chance to dump my sorry ass. He could have walked away with his dignity and found a fertile woman. He is sexy, hard working, easy going, personable, and with a solid self esteem. He doesn't need adoration or ego stroking. He doesn't need me. He could have his future offspring. He could have the wife with the pristine record.

 

But he has chosen me. He loves me, yes. But he also wants me in his life. I would be more of a fool than I was if I didn't take this opportunity to be faithful and loyal wife to the most amazing and loyal man I know. He may be able to do better than me. But I most certainly cannot do better than him. I'm not going to mess it up this time.

 

So the next time a guy moves in on me. I will tell my husband and block. It is that simple. No more secrets of any kind.

[veritas lux mea]

I honestly do not buy any of the (fairly lame) excuses you gave as to why this affair happened. You screwed the guy more then once, this wasn't just about being noticed.

 

It's nice that your husband is apparently ok with a wife who has zero respect for him. I guess that is all there is to say really. It's nice that you reconciled, well..nice for you anyways. I do feel incredibly sorry for your poor husband.

 

You are not a very nice man. I went and read a lot of your posts. Why are you here attacking us waywards? For me your words mean nothing to me. And my husband who read your post laughed and said tell him to shut the fck up and put him on block. He is just a little man with little opinions who wants to make others feel like dirt so he can feel better.

 

edited to add: I won't put you on block. I have zero emotional investment towards internet people.

[veritas lux mea]

I'm sorry if you can't handle my opinions. You read a lot of my posts, ok? I can't be doing something that wrong, since my notifications tell me as of this moment I've had over 100 "likes". Not to suggest nobody has had a disagreement, but I'm not sure what my other posts have to do with this.

 

I'm not trying to attack you, just meaning stating my opinion: your excuses were flimsy, flat out.

 

Your husband says I am a little man because of what I said? Wow, ok. I would argue he is the little man who can't seen how much his wife has betrayed, disrespected, and humiliated him. Making you feel like dirt so I can feel better? Yeah, except things like this don't make me feel better. They actually make me feel worse. Seeing the way people treat each other in this manner just doesn't make me feel good, sorry.

 

I really don't care if you block me or not, feel free to. Don't come to a site like this if you can't handle harsh truths. You waste everyone's time here if you can't.

 

I just am unsure what your purpose is? It seems to be to tell people we are scum and that our spouse's are wusses. I am not sure how that is helpful to anyone. I answer and discuss with people who actually care about other people's opinions. My husband on the other time says he doesn't bother wasting his breath on internet trolls. One statement.

 

If calling people down doesn't make you feel better maybe you should stop>

 

And I mentioned the checking your posting history because I wonder why you are here blatantly attacking wayward people and those choosing to reconcile when you haven't been cheated on. That is usually the bitter people's job and then understandable.

 

I guess I lost the popularity contest for likes!!!! How truly terrible. Wait a moment while I go cry on my husband's shoulder...

 

edited to add:

 

And calling someone out for being an ass doesn't mean I can't handle your opinions. It means I'm telling you your delivery make your opinions mean nothing to me.

[veritas lux mea]

For other people who may see my story as just an excuse

 

ex·cuse

noun

noun: excuse; plural noun: excuses

ikˈskyo͞os/

1.

a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.

"there can be no possible excuse for any further delay"

 

My affair was wrong. I don't think it was right. I don't want to excuse it. I am merely answering questions with how things happened. If I actually thought what I relayed was just an excuse then I wouldn't have felt I did wrong. Or very wrong. But I did. I hurt my best friend. And there is no justification for that.

[janedoe67]

veritas, you are one of my new favorite people.

 

That is all.