Elvira Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I agree with Katie about certain things, like the 'double standard' thing. A woman who leaves a man hanging tends to be seen as a cold bitch. Men who do the same thing don't tend to be condemned as much about it. But on the other hand, I think that with both men and women, sometimes when the attraction isn't mutual, the one who 'isn't into it' can be sincere about his or her feelings. You can still be friends, if the rejected one still wants that. I figure that the sincerity factor is important in these cases. As for 'He's just not into you'. heh. I saw that on a Dr. Phil episode. It is so simple and straight forward. So at a point I asked my Mr. Perfect what he thought about it. Of course, he thinks that it is nonesense. I think that he's nonesense. Although sometimes I figure that when we care for someone we feel vulnerable, so we programme ourselves to look for the 'warning signs'. This causes us to internalize everything. Eg. 'He didn't call today 'cause he doesn't like me anymore', instead of 'He didn't call today 'cause he can't be his usual enigmatic superman self since his boss chewed him out this morning'. Of course, in a healthy relationship, a guy would share his good moments and bad ones. Whatever. I hate playing the hard to get game, but I understand the utility of not being clingy. So I guess I took to identifying the things about Mr. Perfect that were insensitive and not graceful. Basically the glitches of his that would totally turn me off had it been coming from anyone else. For example, he'll go cyber-awol. Then he'll write a completely useless one-liner. What am I supposed to do with that? Delete. Now he knows that he has to be a little more communicative than that. He'll at least say that he was not doing well and lately he's even said why (breakthrough!). Unfortunately, he's had many ungraceful moments which means that he basically turned into my incorrigibly emotionally illiterate friend. It's wierd but although I've been nuts for him, he spends so much time in my **** books that we haven't even been able to sleep together or anything. We've kissed, no tongue:) I dunno, I'm not sure my approach is so healthy, apart from the fact that it is good for self-preservation purposes when you've resigned yourself to having a dysfunctional Mr. Perfect in your life.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 I am most definitely on the same page as you... all of you. I have the book and read it in detail. However, I have found that this book just makes you more confused. I am not clingy, do not make the first call to meet, have expressed my feelings and received recent response and seeming compliance... can a book really give you all of the answers or is every situation unique? can WE, as women, base our decisions and actions on other's experiences... most of which are far more grave and rediculous than anything I have experienced? Chapter 1 - he asks me out Chapter 2 - he calls me, just not regularly (actually regularly but not enough) Chapter 3 - he referred to us as dating (until I made a 'player' comment and he got upset and told his friends) Chapter 4 - we have sex, great sex! Chapter 5 - not too sure about that one, although I do doubt it Chapter 6 - we hung out during the week without booze, same end result.. sweet kisses and goodnite! Chapter 7 - well, this one has a funny story I think in the end all there is to say is "move on". Which I am doing including a date tonight and last (2 different people ). Seems that these days, love and being in love, just isnt enough. I know he feels the same way, I can feel it, read it in his eyes, and he has come close to expressing how being with me could be trouble because he looses himself within. Then he turns off and runs away... there is simply nothing I can do. Ok, I have to get ready! New friends and lovers.... here I come... (and leave the baggage at the door). Any further sotries to tell ladies..? I am curious to know why no MEN have made comments in this forum. Maybe it is because the answer is right in front of me.
jellybean Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle Maybe it is because the answer is right in front of me. I'm really starting to wonder about you .....
Author elle naturelle Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 Good call. Its ok... no need to wonder. I know what the results are and have accepted it completely. Thank you for your honesty.
katie79 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 elle natural, I never got the impression that you were *clingy* or had trouble moving on at all. Basically, it was jsut advice with some of my venting from the past few weeks. I might have come off as defensive, but I keep seeing how men disappoint women on here by *disappearing* in some way.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 That definitely does seem to be the case... All we want is "to love, and be loved in return!"
blinkless Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Any thing worth having is worth working for. But then you know that. Most of the time we know the answer, and that is usually correct. He sounds real and worth hanging in there for. Hope you end up happy.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 Hey all.. Ok, Katie says move on, "he is just not that into you" and Blinkless says "he sounds worth hanging in there for". So, if he calls, instead of run the other way, consider being open to him? Maybe be really open and tell him that while I do have fun, it is not enough? I am so glad that over the next month my weekends are basically booked solid with out-of-town business trips and other get togethers. But in the end, while I do feel he is worth waiting for, how long does one wait? And should I give him the opportunity to step in before someone else steps in? Ahhh... single life... one of those love hate things... even after all of these years (Im only 26).
katie79 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 you do whatever you feel is best, elle. everyone is different. i base my advice towards people by putting myself in their position and what I would do (i guess). with me, if i were in your situation, i would just forget him. i would not be so available when he calls. also, the key word, *wait* doesn't exactly phase me when it comes to considering a relationship. personally, i feel waiting for someone isn't worth it. it's boring, it's degrading, and while he is contemplating whether you're worth a steady relationship or not, you could be out meeting other men. Just my opinion. But if that's how you feel, that's what you should do. Good LUCK!
Author elle naturelle Posted January 25, 2005 Author Posted January 25, 2005 I agree with you 100%. While there will always be a place and time for him (regardless of the level of relationship), under NO circumstance would I wait ALONE.... nor will I loose the opportunity to meet one of the nic-er guys out there. I do realize there are several of those, even if they are somewhere I cannot find them at this time. I do a lot of dating, even when I was dating Mr. Uncertainty on a regular, more than once weekly basis. Thank you. And I do respect all of your input.
katie79 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 cool! You're about the same age as me (I'm 25) Probably what 'll happen is this guy will finally come around once you meet the love of your life. lol! Life is funny that way. It'll be like....sorry, it was a maybe before, now you're too late! hahaha
Elvira Posted January 26, 2005 Posted January 26, 2005 Alright, this waiting while still dating stuff rings a bell to me. I did it. Here's the thing: meeting new people is always interesting and that's fine. But hey all too often we get lazy and keep seeing the new guy that just can't turn us on the way Mr. Perfect can. Even worse, we start seeing exes, and/or the guy from last year who wanted more. These are the guys that help prop up a girl's self-esteem. But is it right? Or is killing time in this way just wrong? Is that what your Mr. Perfect is doing with you? Or mine was doing with me? Food for thought.
Author elle naturelle Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Mr. NOT SO Perfect has not called in two weeks. The answer to me is clear. I will let you know when he calls again (which I think he might)... then I will elaborate on his response to what I plan on saying... Something like... it was a pleasure seeing you again after all these years but... "she's just not into YOU"! I am having a great party on the 12th will some prospects for me and my single network. All in good time will the real Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right come along, then you will find me in the nextstage of this site... Moving In or Marriage. Keep this going and I will respond. Last week was CRAZY...
Author elle naturelle Posted February 5, 2005 Author Posted February 5, 2005 The dates were OK. Not really my type in the end. And as I mentioned, Mr. He 's Just Not That Into Me sent me a text message ..... from HAWAII ... saying he will be back on the 15th. I have not responded and feel great about that.
joeyNoelle Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Good for you..don't reply..ever..........don't give him another thought....he is not the ONE for you....it hurts yeh but the sooner your ealise it the better....he is stringing you along....you deserve better than that...believe it! Whoever you have built this guy up in your mind to be..or even if he used to be that great guy....he just isn't that person in reality. Keep getting out there ..keep meeting new people and dating....the more you met the better....sometimes ppl we meet and judge first off aren't who we think they are ...give some other guy a chance. Don't be mad or upset with this guy...if I were you at this point i would have gotten to the i can't be bothered...I'm not interested stage...his behaviour is fine everyone can act the way they want ..we can't say he should do this or that but...you don't have to keep hanging on and putting up with it.....so Don't answer him back...DELETE HIS NUMBER! if you think u can't restrain yourself. Don't contact him ... you will only appear desperate ...let this one go..beleive me in 3months time or less you won't ever think of him for a second!
clynn Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 It will be interesting to hear what you decide to do and if he contacts you when he returns. All the best in any case. (Not everyone is a work-aholic, super-ambitious type and for those who are I think there is a great fear of ambitions being squelched / overshadowed).
In a quandary Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 My situation seems similiar. Eight years ago, I had an "affair" for lack of a better word with someone who I had a crush on for a long time. For several years, I had been told by many others that he was "crazy about me". At one point, after knowing each other for several years, after his girlfriend (bimbo-type) was gone, we hooked up. The sex was fantastic. He told me then that he had wanted me for a long, long time. We also have a lot in common outside of sex. During that time he was very focused on his career and traveling extensively. He was inconsistent about calling me, and even stood me up more than once I knew he was extremely focused on his new job and wanted to suceed as he had been fired from all other jobs. His reputation in general is to not return calls, whether romantic or otherwise. I recently ran into one of his few buddies from when he lived here, and he said he stopped calling him because he never returned a call. Once he told me that he was so busy he hadn't even returned his mother's phone calls (he might be somewhat of a moma's boy, incidentally). I read some trade papers that talked about him not returning calls. Anyway, I gave up on him after the last time he stood me up. He moved out of town (and is now across the country) and we have been in contact a few times via phone over the past four years, but haven't spoken for 2 years. I was in his city on business and called him a month ago. We got together. He is not seeing anyone. I felt a strong connection, had a great dinner, we talked about our families, had great sex, and he told me that he would come to my city in a couple weeks for a business trip. At the time he said this, I know he was sincere and he had intentions to do this (make a business trip and see me), but I was skeptical, although hopeful, it would come to pass. He also told me that he wanted to have phone sex with me before then (I did not respond to this!). I never heard from him again. I sent him an email a few weeks ago asking if he still planned to come to town and he did not reply. As I read what I have written, it sounds so absurd, so obvious that I should move on and forget this schmuck. But the connection is so strong after ten years and at the time he is with me and tells me that he wants to see me again, he means it, I can tell. But what happens? Is it just great sex for him (he told me that over the past 4 years, he fantasizes about our nights together when he is "alone"). Once I asked him if he liked me or the sex and he said the two could not be separated. Again, I know that his life revolves around his career and making a sucess of himself (type A personality). He is over 50 years old now and will he ever decide that relationships are important? He did not keep in contact with a single person from his past (other than me, and I initiated this contact). What do you all think? Why is he so into me when we are together, after all of these years, but does not follow up. If he does call me, what should I do? If he does come to town, should I see him? Quandary
katie79 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 no quandary, why waste your time on someone like this. Even if he "is into you", why would you want to be involved with a person with these character traits? They really suck. Maybe you should re-think about what you want in a relationship before you waste anymore time on someone who has a rep of being unresponsive,?
in a quandary Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Thanks, Katie. What you said makes senses intellectually, but for some reason, despite his faults, he is in my heart. I need to move on. If he does call me, which he may, I am not sure what to do. I could just not return the call -- after all, he shouldn't be too shocked by this! Or, I could tell him that I need more than he can give. Any comments?
Author elle naturelle Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Wow, life definitely has it ups and downs… here is my update. Mr. Not So Perfect returned from Hawaii on February 15th and has not called. That is great for 2 reasons: 1) He was there with another girl 2) I have met someone else Here’s where I become a maniac due to the treatment received by Mr. Not So Perfect. I met Mr. Absolutely Fabulous last weekend. We talked ALL nite and had a great time. He ended up coming back to my place to snuggle. The next morning I drove him to his car and said ‘I hope to hear form you soon’. I didn’t think he would call but he did, two nights later. We talked and talked about everything for a while. It was great. He asked me out for a date later this week. On Tuesday, we decided to go for a walk and martinis downtown. We had such a great time, but I thought, I really like this guy, he should not come in. He walked me to my door, asked my roommate a few questions about me, then went on his way. While leaving he asked if he could see me again… tomorrow. I wanted to see him so we did. Last night he came to get me and we headed out for food and a movie. Everything was perfect, talking about life, travel, things together, you name it. We are very much physically connected. He tells me I am beautiful and many other flattering things. He has been clear that he is looking for the one and wants a relationship. As do I. Well, since he has his 5 year old son this weekend, we will not see each other….which I completely understand. In that regard, he ended up coming in. It was amazing… we were nervous and excited but amazing. While laying there and talking he said “It is ok that I call you one day right?” I was like “I hope so, it makes me nervous when you say something like that” and he said “Well I cannot image someone never calling you back”. The he continued with flattery about beauty and the fact that he loved lying there with me. The part that makes me nervous is the “one day” bit. He wants to take things slow, which is understandable. He is 33, I am 26 and he doesn’t want to make mistakes, he has a son. Your thoughts ladies and gentlemen? Am I a spaz?
jellybean Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Well, I just don't know what to tell you. You've posted over and over again about 'Mr Not So Perfect' since October 8th 2004 : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=321888#post321888 You keep asking for comments and advice - yet were totally incapable of making any decision until just now - now that you find out he has someone else. It was kinda obvious, dontcha think? You waste precious energy over-analyzing men to death. Does this mean for the next 5 months we will be reading your posts asking for replies in respect to the insecurities you'll be feeling with 'Mr Absolutely Fabulous'? Just wondering........
Author elle naturelle Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Well then... glad to see that someone is honest and upfront. First of all, I had made the decision long before he was with someone else. Second, you are right, I have insecurities about trusting men. If what you are saying is that I should chill out and just enjoy it, then I will try for that. I am a literal person. If someone says something, they say it for a reason. Just tired of the games....
clynn Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 HI. I too have a trouble not being paranoid and wondering and analyzing and overanalyzing. I realized after my most recent relationship ended that a lot of this comes from the men who are not giving you what I need to feel secure. And really I am a pretty understanding gal and don't expect too too much. But honesty and forthrightness. Yah, I expect that! And you deserve it too. That was a bit of a funny comment from the guy. But I guess it is just a wait and see. His behavior will tell..... Good luck! Keep us posted!
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