elle naturelle Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 hey everyone, after reading through i have a similar situation. dated this guy about 7 years ago when i was 18-19. things were going great but i wanted to explore travel and school before committing to a relationship. this decision was mutual. last june i 'snail mailed' a letter to his parents house, wishing him well and mentioning i thought about how he was doing. his parents forwarded him the message. he called a few months later in september. since then, we have spent some amazing weekends together as well as a few dates during the week. we are both VERY driven in business (entrepreneurs), are fit active and healthy, and have a passion that we both agree does not exist between anyone else we know. what is the problem you ask?? to date, we still keep things casual, do not talk during the week on a regular basis and have no real committment to anything. he says that he is too busy to see other girls and has a large task of business development ahead of him. i am in no rush to settle down but do not want to give the impression that i will wait for exclusivity either. i have expressed how i felt for him by saying that i could not help falling for him and although we did not see each other over the holidays (maintained regular playful text messaging by phone) he contacted me and asked me over this past weekend. we had a great time friday and he even called to say that although he wanted to see me saturday, he had a job that he wasnt sure he could finish on time to still get enough sleep for a big day at whistler the following day. we did have a late night afterall! today is wednesday and i have not heard a peep. please provide some insight here.....
joeyNoelle Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 He does seem interested however YOU definately are not a priority ... he is seeing you to fill in his weekends.....sure he likes you otherwise he wouldn't see you but..... he is lazy..... takes you for granted and is therefore not that afraid of loosing you. He seems to be under the impression that he has you and therefore he doesn't really have to do any work... perhaps this is becasue you made your feelings known for him too soon. My boyfriend who Iam exclusive with used to be a bit like this even though i wasn't really all that into him in the start.... but then he got complacent etc.... So i told him in a nice way either do this , this and this or I'm not going to be happy and i will walk away...So he said if thats what i need to do then i will do it. And he did....he is still that same kind of person but it comes from a lack of experience in a serious relationship. It sounds like this guy isn't lacking in experience ..so the issue is probably that you are just too available.... some guys . if you really want to be with them you have to play a little hard to get... its just fact! I can't be bothered playing hard to get anymore and i never did with my bf because it didn't really matter whether i was with him or not...etc ...this is not a longterm relationship from my standpoint....and it sounds like that is the way this guy is thinking too. Note playing hard to get only works within the first month or so....after exclusivity it becomes ridiculous and translates into u not wanting to see them ..ad idea! Anyway goodluck!
Author elle naturelle Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 That is exactly how I started the New Year and that is EXACTLY how I will continue it. Surely that is why he called me several times before we met up Friday night. When I got there, friends were there and he was very open in front of them (and my girlfriend) that I was with him. He said he woud touch base with me this week on his Saturday afternoon call, so we will see.... I did however send a small text message stating "Heard about the mudslide, Hope all is ok" because that is directly in his neck of the woods. I keep it short and sweet but still let him know I hope things are ok. I think he will call later this week and I think I will say NO. It is REALLY hard to do, but atleast then I will have a better idea. Note: He has said things like "You are so beautiful", "You are so great!", "I love that you are so business minded" and asks me things like "Do you plan to travel?", "What are your goals?".... He also said "He was not sure about a committment right now", but as long as he is open and honest I am ok with that. I also think REGULAR contact during the week is RESPECTFUL, something he lacks SOMETIMES. Anymore thoughts???
Author elle naturelle Posted January 20, 2005 Author Posted January 20, 2005 Can a relatioship that starts this way actually work? I have been told that I overthink things and should maybe just LET IT GO and GO WITH THE FLOW!
jellybean Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle He also said "He was not sure about a committment right now" And his actions match his words. I also think REGULAR contact during the week is RESPECTFUL Don't expect that to happen with this guy.....
haywood Posted January 20, 2005 Posted January 20, 2005 hmm...you say you don't want anything but seems like you do. that's what usually happens in situations like these. both decide to keep it casual but then one person wants to have something more. i was in a similar situation. she wanted to keep in simple but i went on thinking i'd maybe change her mind and want something more as well. we're at the fork in the road right now where she doesn't know if she wants to be in a serious relationship with me or not. i'll take it either way, but i just needed to know what she wanted out of this. i don't wanna waste my time with someone that doesn't know if they want to be with me. i think you should think about what you want from him. if it's something more then you should tell him and if not then don't think too much into it. sometimes you have to take a chance. is the reward worth the risk? good luck.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 Well, I wouldnt be here if I didnt think the risk was worth the reward. Clearly I do want more, but while have expressed my interest in him, I have not explicityly stated what I want because I know what I want may not be what he is ready for. If you want to be with someone, dont you know??? Can you hold off these feeling to focus on your career??? Is there hope for us with such passion, likeness yet uniqueness and fun??? We are talking about a friendship that exceeds the expectation of any normal sexual relationship. He holds my hand in public, when we go on a 'date' he is open in front of people and gets a little jealous if I talk to people around us... men that is (whihc is just because I am outgoing). Are there steps to take to turn this into a more serous relationship?? Or should I just move on? I read "he is just not that into you" and it confused me more. He does everything but committ... The joys of love are not that joyous for me right now... but I think it is because I am not demanding anything I want. More advice all you successful entrepreneurs reaching the age of 28?? I should mention that he MAY have been hurt in the past by someone he was going to marry and asked for a Prenup... we have discussed this openly, as well as children, etc as we drank wine and hottubbed... but he is just not committing an dI have STILL not heard from him. Btw... I would sign the Prenup, I dont need anyones money!
haywood Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 i think we have alot in common with our situations. except she's the one that's not commiting. it started off as a casual thing but she found herself getting involved in a "relationship." shes asked for space, i'm giving it to her. she calls me often during this "break." so maybe this space is working. been trying to keep the convos light. but she'll start being all sad that she shouldn't talk to me anymore. i'm weak so i try to convince her how much i care about her. wrong move. i gotta be more stronger and show her this. she knows what i want from this and she says she's not ready. i asked if she was afraid and she admits that she is. it's tough. nothing i can do. it's all up to her i guess. so you gotta be strong. make your guy miss you. don't be all serious quite yet. keep it light and he'll desire you more and want to figure out why he's not effecting you at all. you can't convince someone to like you. be strong. better yourself. in regards to career and whatnot, there are some people that are actually caught up in the real world. not a day dreamer like me. so it's understandable that he's focused on his career. just take things slow. hopefully he'll realize what he has in front of him. good luck
Author elle naturelle Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 Thanks a lot. I hope so too. Some girlfriends have mentionned that maybe another couple of months of me being around casually and maybe he'll come around more serioulsy. Such a game... something I am not interested in playing. Also, he hasnt called so I imagine that 'we' are so casual it is not worth it. As always my eyes and ears are open for new men to get to know. Unfortunately, my heart lies with him right now. Question: I have played a 'little' hard-er to get. If he calls when he actually has time and I say I am busy, will he go elsewhere right away or maybe try a few more times? I would hate to loose an opportunity but dont want to be readily available. Thoughts?
joeyNoelle Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 first of all.... wait and see if he actually calls I know its hard not to think about it in the meantime but just try to get on with usual stuff don't let yourself ponder for too long .. its the worst thing .. keep busy! Also if he does call there is no harm in saying I'm busy this weekend etc but have no plans for next week yet. that kind of thing... but also it is a test... if he really likes you he will ty set up another date as long as you genuinely sound busy and not disinterested. Anyway sounds like you should really forget about this guy...however you feel about him believe me you will feel that way about someone again....trust me. he's not that special
Author elle naturelle Posted January 23, 2005 Author Posted January 23, 2005 He has NOT called. After a full week. I am definitely realizing (or have realized for that matter) that he is NOT that special. I should focus more attention on the other great men out there who would like to date me and put more effort into building a relationship of some sort. It is just amazing that people use the "im really busy" line. We are all busy and all have things we would like to do. My thought is, if you really found someone you wanted to be with, then "busy" would make time. Also, I am leaving for the weekend next weekend and have set up some dates for that trip in the meantime. Do you think that 2 weeks of no contact is too long? He must really NOT miss me to be able to hold off that long! The more I talk about this, the more rediculous it seems that I would even give him the time of day. How do we separate feelings of love with feelings of lust? Maybe thats all this is. **my tummy aches thining I may never have the opportunity to show him what he is missing but he should have realized that already**
Author elle naturelle Posted January 23, 2005 Author Posted January 23, 2005 Although I made all of those comments above.... What if I really felt that he was the one? This sucks! We have a history when we dated 7 years ago before I went away. Then, to have such passion and fun and openness and friendship after all of these years (atleast when we are together), can he just be scared? or something? Ok, maybe I am reaching here. Comments?
Elvira Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Hey you sound like where I've been these past 6 months. My Mr. Perfect was a cyber-flirt, even though we lived in the same city. Anyway, I can't say that it hasn't been interesting, but after six months of uncertainty, I'm coming to the conclusion that Mr. Perfect is a bit of a player. A player with a killer smile . I've learned that sometimes people hide behind the business excuse to avoid having to make some real commitment decisions. No matter how successful you are, there is always time to regularly check up on a loved one, and manage things so that your significant other feels alright. Besides, a good relationship is a life priority for me right now. Therefore, I don't see the problem with investing the same energy in a relationship as I would my business. That's my attitude, and I think I juggle things pretty well. If my Mr. Perfect spent even 10% of his business energy on his relationship with me, we'd be doing really well right now, no doubt. Does this sound familiar? You could wait it out, I know I did, but I did so knowing that if I ever really felt that my Mr. Perfect was being disrespectful or lazy, we'd discuss it. Nobody likes to hear these things, but by staying quiet, I was just enabling some of his less charming behaviour and in the end, he'd never respect me for that. I won't freak you out with the conclusion of my story, but I think that the important thing is not to let him step on you too much. That way, if things don't work out, you won't feel as if he took advantage of you. If things do work out, they will work out for the right reasons, not just because you underwent a drastic personality change to become some subserviant girly girl for him. I know in my case, I always felt the need to somehow make myself more gentle and more understanding. I did try hard to be understanding. But in the end it wasn't my personality that was the problem. It was my IQ. He could play me more easily if I were dumber.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 player.... check killer smile.... check hide behind the business excuse to avoid having to make some real commitment.... check its so crazy that we actually keep into these guys. please, do tell the conclusion of your story. i am curious what to expect. i try not to have hopes and expectations so a reality check would do me wonders. elle
katie79 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 this sounds like a typical dilemma a lady in the audience mentioned on Oprah, when Greg Bernhardt answered questions for women and their relationship (when he wrote his book, He's just not that into you"). one woman had the same dilemma you did. he sounds like he's a good friend and that's all. maybe he flirts a little, but he doesn't want a relationship with you...just a friendship. this is fine too. men and women can be great friends i believe. keep him as a friend and look elsewhere for love and romance.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 katie... i understand what you are saying. however, when we are together we are more like a couple. boyfriend and girlfriend. gazing into one anothers eyes, cant keep hands off... kissing and everything. sex is a variable in the relationship for sure... amazing for both! any additional thoughts with that in mind? maybe its hopeless...
katie79 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 it's tough for you now, i know. he sounds as if he does have feelings for you now, but nothing strong enough to make a committment at this time. it sounds wonderful, but for your own protection, look elsewhere!
jellybean Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 elle naturale...you're casually dating a guy you've known for a very long time, he doesn't phone you very often, and has told you he doesn't want committment. You have very strong feelings for him, yet he's not interested in a serious relationship with you, and only uses you for sex. I can understand how painful this must be for you - but maybe you should re-read the title of your post.."He's just not that into you..." Stop wishing/hoping he's going to change.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 ok ok ok... points taken! you are all RIGHT. he is just not that into ME.
Elvira Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Look, just because I tell you my story doesn't mean that you've got to freak out and give up on business boy. For what it's worth, I'm not traumatized or anything. At least not too much Alright, how to make this story short. It's actually pretty fresh. Really what happened was that only two weeks ago I realized that work would take me out of the city. I couldn't wait for him anymore and in my heart of hearts, I knew this guy wouldn't go for long distance. So I wished him well, told him that he would one day find a woman that really just totally blows him away and he would live happily ever after. On my way out to fix up details at my next destination, I drop by his place 'cause he was with mutual friends, they were watching flicks. His ex was there, which by the way is a common occurrence. Mr. Perfect is still friends with his ex and well, I had an open mind about it. Anyway, she thanks him nicely for the music he left on her answering machine. I'm like, what music? She says 'Unchained Melodies'. I know we sorta broke up but anyway, it speaks for itself. I write and let him know that I'm most probably leaving town, next week. No answer. Then I have to wonder to myself whether or not to bother telling him off for not even being supportive. I mean, he's been a complete and utter pain in the arse from the start, like your guy. Having suffered the humiliation of being instantly replaced, I sorta hoped that there would at least be some sort of closure. Then this evening, he writes back. He says he's shocked. I guess that's closure enough.
Author elle naturelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 this is the exact points to note.... who the hell takes more than a week to respond? with the technologies available on the market today, there is simply NO excuse. did he act like this the whole time you were together? what was he shocked about? the fact that it probably didnt work out with his other ex and you are leaving, so now he will have to find someone else that will probably never match up to you. is it that these guys are afraid? intimidated? or just plain blind? relationships baffle me, especially when everyone around me seems to be falling in love with great guys. is it possible that maybe WE are the ones not ready for a relationship? i sometimes wonder if the business aura leaves men to believe we will not put a family first. however, with mr. business, i would have no problem doing that. ahhh.... as a libra, hopefully this balance will break through sooner than later.
katie79 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 "who the hell takes more than a week to respond? with the technologies available on the market today, there is simply NO excuse." ---people, especially men, are aware of how to use the phone. Not calling is a way of him telling you he's not that crazy about you, and maybe he'll call when nothing else is really going on and he's bored. NO COMMUNICATION IS COMMUNICATION! It's possible he is scared, blind, intimidated, etc. But why would anyone want to waste time with a person who feels that way about being with you??? Chances are likely, he's none of the above. He basically is telling you that you are a great friend to hook up with once in a while when nothing else is going on. I understand...he looks at you in a way no one else ever has, he says wonderful things, he gives you a vibe, this is different, etc. But the bottom line is how any person behaves and acts is the best form of communication towards you. Actions speak louder than words, and some women out there have to realize it. If he's not calling when he says he will, only sees you once in a while at his convienence, disappears, is seeing other people, etc, he's not looking for a commitment with you in any way. Why waste time on a fantasy relationship?? And if he is "scared", perhaps you pulling back and seeing others more worth your time will make him realize he has to get over is so called "fear of being with you".
Author elle naturelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 You are right! No communication IS communication. And I, therefore, have the answers I am looking for right in front of me. I think that the people on here should write a book... No communication IS communication. is a great working title if you ask me. funny how women read more into things.. for example, while he says "i am not sure if i am ready for a committment" i still think his actions are trying to tell me something else.... i now blame my hurt on myself and will take this learning experience into other new situations. so, what if he calls? blow him off completely? tell him maybe another time? do tell!
katie79 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 actaully, there is a book on this, it's called "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Bernhardt. Check it out on Amazon. I have it, it's pretty good. They say the author tell women the brutal truth, but it's the absolute truth. There's another book by Sheryl Argov titled, "Why Men Love Bitches". This is a good book as well. It's maybe a little similar to "The Rules" book, but it is more based on the fact that women should continue with their lives and not drop everything for one man. it's true. It's not healthy for anyone to discontinue their work, hobbies, interest, dreams, friends, etc because one man seems interested in a possible relationship. It's good to fall in love and enjoy it, but why put your life on hold to see what he is going to do next, why he isn't calling much, why is slightly distant, etc. You should read it, it's kind of funny in a way. I'm glad you are feeling better. As far as what to do next time he calls, I would be friendly, but not overly so. I would play it "cool" and I wouldn't be so available to see him. Be nice, make general conversation for a few minutes, then tell him you have to go. If he asks to hang out, don't say "oh sure, when???" Tell him your busy and to call you later on during the week so you know how your schedule is. If this makes you feel bad or "mean", remember, this man has no hesistation putting you on hold, sitting at the edge of your seat, waiting to see when he'll possibly change his mind and fully commit himself to you. That's the problem with women and society. They "feel bad" when they feel they aren't making excuses for men and dropping everything for them because suddenly he's available to see her. This is spoiling men in general. And society creates a double standard believing when a man is distant and unsure with a woman, she should just swallow it, but if a woman makes a man feel as if he's on hold, she is "leading him on, the cold teasing b*tch". LOL! In some cases it's true, but still, I wouldn't feel bad about pulling away from him. Women in general have to stop attempting to please everyone and make excuses for behavior, as they are raised in society to do, meanwhile, men are raised by society in terms of "doing whatever is comfortable". Therefore, in relationships, if they aren't too thrilled, they'll put her on hold, knowing she is waiting at any time for him when he feels coming around to old faithful, then he disappears in some shape or form, in hopes he will meet someone he is excited about. Brutal, but true. Bottom line for women is to learn to accept better behavior from men. And of course I can give great advice, but I can't seem to take in sometimes! LOL!!!
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