Everything Seemed Fine Until Valentines Day

[joejoe123456]

Here is my issue. I met a girl through an online dating site. We've been dating for a little over a month. I was also dating 3 other women before I met her. She's been married twice and has 2 kids. Her must current ex husband lives 10 blocks away from her and even though they talk, she said they never get together in any way. We went out on a date. We hit it off had and had a great time. Second date was good, though it was a little down at the end when I brought up past relationships.

 

She spoke of some guy she was dating for a year and broke up with 5 months ago. She said it was very hard getting over him even though their relationship was very toxic and all her friends and family hated him. We ended the date a little early because she seemed sad. The next morning she invited me over for dinner and we had a great night(I would consider this a 3rd date). No sex yet, mind you we have been kissing and VERY touchy feely for the first 2 dates.

 

I told her I was dating other people and she seemed bothered by that. 4th date we had dinner and went for drinks. It was a little more laid back date than what we were used (I took her out to live music and nice dinners) to but it was nice. This is where she told me she thought she was in control of this relationship. I thought she was joking/playing. I told her I also like being in control so this should be interesting. She began getting a little sleepy at around midnight so we ended the date. Around this time I began to notice she wasn't very responsive to my small compliments or calling her names like sweetie. She would never reciprocate. 5th date was nice, she invited me over for dinner.

 

We made love, I spent the night. At this point we began texting everyday. 6th date was amazing! I took her to a great sushi place, we saw a fun show, went for desert and ended the night cuddling over drinks at a very romantic spot till 3 am. I told her I "broke up" with the other 3 girls because I knew she didn't like it and I only wanted to spend time with her any way. Her parents flew in from Paris and were staying at her place for a few weeks, so we went our separate ways. Our 7th date we had a nice date dinner and drinks and ended the night with a couples massage. She loved it and went home on clouds. Valentines was approaching and we already made plans. She had the kids that weekend but her ex-husband agreed to pick them up.

 

Here is where things changed: after work the week of valentines she sent me a text just to let me know she was thinking of me.

 

I had a rough day so I replied "I'm a lucky man to have such a wonderful woman thinking of me." she replied Hope you're having a nice evening... This got me noticing even more how she still would reciprocate the nice things I would say. I sent her flowers and chocolate via fedex for Valentines Day. She loved them. Valentines arrived and we had plans for her to come to my place and have me cook dinner. She seemed to arrive a little moody. She had just came back from her daughters birthday party, she spent with her father, exhusband and a bunch of kids. When she went home to come here, She said her parents didn't know she was spending the night here and they made plans to go on some tour of the city the next day.

 

She said she left her house VERY upset. She also said she can't wait for her parents to leave because they always cause her stress. While I was cooking for her we talked because something seemed wrong but she wouldn't really open up. We kissed and I tried touching her but she pulled my hand away. So i'm thinking, no sex on valentines? I had so much planned.... so after dinner we talked I asked her what she thought about me and she seemed to give negative type answers like I wonder why you don't have a passport and I wonder what you are like at work. After our talk again we kissed and she said she wanted to hug and touch but she didn't want to have sex. I found this odd. She then went to my bed and went to sleep.

 

Full sleep... I was just sitting next to her feeling angry. It was only 10pm and she was asleep on valentines in my bed. When I had so much planned. After 40 minutes, I tapped her planning on going to bed and told her she needs to change. She noticed I was upset and told me don't be upset. I said lets just go to sleep. She wouldn't, we ended up talking and I asked her why she was acting so strange and why she wouldn't open up to me. She said that's just the way she was and that I needed to have patients with her. We fooled around then went to bed. The next morning we talked. I told her I'm having a hard time trusting her since she seems to be so secretive about things, I asked is everything ok with us? Do you think i'm moving to fast. She said yes and no, i'm not moving too fast as far as seeing her, but i'm moving too fast as far as getting to know her so soon.

 

She said I need to slow down and not be so pushy about trying to know whats in her heart. I told her i'm just going with my instincts and my instincts are telling me something is wrong. You're giving me signs as if you are not interested in me that much. Well are you? And she said she didn't know why she was acting this way. She said mybe because it was going so fast and she was still getting over her boy friend from 5 months ago. And I said when you are really into a person none of that matters and you know you are interested. There is no confusion. Then I said I didn't think it was the best idea for us to be exclusive so early (even though that's what she wants) and maybe we should go back to dating and seeing other people. She said she doesn't know if she wanted to date me if I was seeing other people.

 

We left it off there and she said it was time to go. We kissed before she left but I could tell her body language was different. She wasn't touching me the same way she used to. She was very touchy... We haven't talked since it's been 5 days and we were talking every day. I don't think I did anything wrong so I don't feel I should be the first to call. Plus she seems to think she is in control so I don't want to give her any sort of upper hand. I am am hurt by the situation and I do have other dating option possibly for this weekend if I choose to.

 

What do you think?

Edited February 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Emilia]

I think that she is a mess. Too much drama already, too soon. Your gut instincts are right. I don't think she is ready for anything.

[Chalkdust89]

I hate to break it to you, but Valentine's Day is just a day. Whatever you had planned could have waited until this girl was not as upset and emotional, and it probably would have been more special because you'd both be in the same mindset. I agree that she needs time to sort things out, but she also needs someone who isn't going to get pissed off that HE'S not getting sex when she's upset about bigger things.

[PegNosePete]

She is most likely hiding something from you. Giving evasive answers and blame shifting her strange behaviour onto you "going too fast". Major red flags there. What her secret is... other guys, ex drama, parents issues, I don't know... but there's something and the fact that she won't tell you what it is... well that is highly suspicious. I think you did the right thing every step of the way but she is acting very weird and secretive.

[Mascara]

All I got from that is that it's still early days, she'd like to take her time opening up to you, and you don't like this so you've told her you're going to see other women.

 

No wonder you haven't heard from her.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Dude, you sound like you EXPECT sex simply because it was February 14th. She had a rough day, she had stuff going on, she was upset. She just wanted you to sit and talk/listen to her, kiss her, hold her while she fell asleep. She most likely could pick up on the fact that you were pissed you weren't gonna get laid.

 

You could have played that evening well and supported her instead of getting moody with her and waking her up 'to change' so that she could see you were in a huff. I would imagine she has gone off you if you haven't spoken for five days. I'd just leave it to be honest, I think the ship has sailed for you two.

[HappyLove]

Kinda rude of you to be upset that you weren't getting sex on Vday. At the same time she just has too much baggage. I mean she should be able to put things aside and enjoy a nice night. Way too moody. It sounds like you put in a lot of effort to take her on great dates and make her happy. You were honest about seeing others, which hello most people should expect when dating online. I'd move on to someone who can appreciate your efforts.

[joejoe123456]

Thanks for the advice everyone. To be 100% honest yes I was upset I wasn't getting any because we were both looking forward to this night for sex. Her parents were in town, her busy schedule with her kids. We couldn't wait for the weekend to be alone and turn the lights out. She even went as far as to say she wanted me to do everything to her that night. But the truth was, what bothered me had nothing to do with sex. I mean come on I'm taking this girl out on really nice dates, trying hard to make sure she feels special.

 

You don't treat a woman this way just for sex. What bothered me and what got my spidey senses tingling was not the sex. It was the confusion. This early in the game things are very simple. Either you are interested or your not. If there is confusion early then you are not interested enough and this won't work. I called her out on it and said we need to see other people. She said she didn't want to date me that way. We both realized what we were saying could mean the end and we both said it anyway. We already made our choice once we spoke those words.

Edited February 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TB Rhine]

They've been on numerous dates, had sex, and he made a point of telling her he was being exclusive with her. I'd say it's well past time for to sh*t or get off the pot.

 

I agree with what others have said - either some other guy is sniffing around, or she's just a bipolar mess who wants you when you're being somewhat aloof, and withdraws when you start acting like you actually give a damn. Try "casually" mentioning that you're going on a date with someone else, see how quickly her tune changes.

[emva07]

I just think this is already a doomed relationship. There was no foundation from the get go. You were dating other women. When you admitted this to her her thoughts on you changed (I know if a guy told me that I'd go from happily dating a guy to thinking...oh, it wasn't as special as I thought)

 

She kept trying to maintain her cool but it seems that something happened at that birthday party...she saw an ex, her parents talked to her about something that got her thinking...etc etc. But something happened there.

 

She then, yes, tried to shift the blame onto you....which she isn't entirely wrong about...she lost her trust for you and whatever happened at that party made it more clear to her.

 

Then you go and easily put seeing other people on the table....well that was easy! No need to deal with a man who puts that out there so easily. It just seems like a man who isn't THAT into me.

 

Like someone said already, she has too much baggage anyways.