Time to call it quits...?

[Inflikted]

As a 25 year old guy who's never been able to have any kind of "love life" (never been in a relationship or done anything with a girl), I find myself wondering how much longer I can keep holding out hope. I'm in a bit of a jam...

 

See, a couple of years ago, I actually met who I firmly believe was the best possible match for me in a partner. She had her flaws, yes, but all the good qualities she had absolutely outweighed them, in my eyes. Of course, she wasn't attracted to me, and nothing ever happened, and I've been stuck on her ever since.

 

I just... can't wrap my head around "dating", after being attracted to her. I never feel that kind of connection with and attraction to someone. Most girls I meet are just "okay", to me. I'm sure there are girls I could date, I think I've encountered at least a couple, heck, I think there's a girl I know from school right now that has a little thing for me. But I just have no desire to date girls that I only see as "okay". I don't want to "learn to love" someone that's only "okay". Now that I saw "the best", that's what I want -- "the best".

 

I realize the issues that kind of mentality creates, and for that reason, I wish I had never met that girl I was actually attracted to, because she's kind of "ruined" women for me. All I want, now, is her (or someone exactly like her). She was "the best" for me.

 

The fact that I'm already 25 and have only ever felt this way about one girl I've met (and I didn't even get to date her) is pretty depressing to me. Deep down, I've always been "hanging on by a thread", holding out hope that there's someone amazing out there for me. But I can feel that thread about to snap, I can feel the tiny little flame of hope deep down inside me about to be extinguished, and that makes me sad, because I don't WANT to "give up", but I just can't "believe" anymore.

[Philosoraptor]

You have this girl on a pedestal and using it as your means to rationalize your lack of effort.

 

You want rationale, ask yourself what you have to lose by actually dating a random woman? Seems to me odds are you'll either enjoy yourself, learn something, make a new friend, or actually end up in a relationship.

 

Again, you have this girl on a pedestal and using it as your means to rationalize your lack of effort. When in fact, you have zero to lose and everything to gain by actually putting yourself out there. Until you stop "rationalizing" your reasons to not start dating then you'll stay in the same spot. And I'm sorry, but going on a random date (even a bad one) is a heck of a lot better than the depressing feeling you have right now.

[Inflikted]

You have this girl on a pedestal and using it as your means to rationalize your lack of effort.

 

You want rationale, ask yourself what you have to lose by actually dating a random woman? Seems to me odds are you'll either enjoy yourself, learn something, make a new friend, or actually end up in a relationship.

 

Again, you have this girl on a pedestal and using it as your means to rationalize your lack of effort. When in fact, you have zero to lose and everything to gain by actually putting yourself out there. Until you stop "rationalizing" your reasons to not start dating then you'll stay in the same spot. And I'm sorry, but going on a random date (even a bad one) is a heck of a lot better than the depressing feeling you have right now.

 

Well, it's not that I feel I have anything to lose, I just... I can't get myself into the idea of just dating random women that I don't feel "something" for. That just never seemed very exciting, interesting, or "fun" to me. I'd rather go on a date with a girl who I know I have a basic enough connection with to have at least a decent time. But just going on dates with random girls, hoping that one might be someone I can learn to like? Eh... Just seems really "dreary" to me.

 

On a separate level, I don't ever want to be in a position where I have to do the rejecting. Having been rejected so many times in my life, I know what that feels like, and I just don't want to have to do that to another person. But if I go on dates with girls I'm not that crazy about, chances are, I'm going to have to do a lot of that.

 

Even if I'm not attracted to a girl, I simply don't have the heart to blow her off, tell her I don't want to continue seeing her, or especially break up with someone. In fact, one major concern I have with this type of dating is that I'll feel such a strong obligation to continue seeing a girl I don't like, if it appears she likes me. I won't want to let her down or break her heart, even if I'm not into her, so I'll allow myself to settle into a habit-driven "relationship" with some girl I don't even really like, just because I don't have it in me to reject another person.

[Philosoraptor]

Then it looks like your issue stems from the inability to care for yourself first. You want a satisfying relationship, but lack the ability to put yourself first enough to obtain it.

 

You will not know what these women have to offer until you approach them from a relationship standpoint. A woman, like pedestal girl, seems great for you; but may not have been in the context of a relationship. While another girl who you kinda like may have a ton of great qualities once you actually go on a real date.

 

Rejection sucks. But you will either have to do it, be miserable, or be alone. You can reject women and end relationships without feeling bad though. Just have to be respectful and kind, but still put yourself first enough to say "I'm not satisfied in this relationship".

[Inflikted]

You will not know what these women have to offer until you approach them from a relationship standpoint. A woman, like pedestal girl, seems great for you; but may not have been in the context of a relationship. While another girl who you kinda like may have a ton of great qualities once you actually go on a real date.

 

Well, let me put it a little differently. What makes guy A want to ask out girl B but not girl C? Whatever THAT is, mine is "out of whack", or something, and always has been, really. As much as I want to have a "love life", I just never have the desire to pursue the women I meet and interact with on a regular basis. Even the ones that actually seem to have some kind of interest in me. As this topic would indicate, it's extremely rare for me to find a girl I have any desire to pursue.

 

And it's not about being unwilling to "do the work"; I'm perfectly willing to put in work for something that I perceive some value to, but I simply don't perceive value in dating random girls that are "okay" (but "might turn out to be pretty cool later on"). I can already see that most of those efforts would either not produce a relationship for me, that she'd lose interest in me due to a bad first impression, and/ or that I'd end up having to reject her, myself.

 

I'm not trying to "justify" my issues, I'm just trying my best to properly explain them. I know they are, well, issues, but I simply don't know how to "undo" the way I see all of this stuff. I'd have to very dramatically change the way I look at all of this stuff; I have a hard enough time breaking a single little bad habit, let alone changing my entire mindset and viewpoint on a major life topic.

[Philosoraptor]

I understand your issue, but you must understand that without action you will stagnate in the same place you are in now. You seem like an intelligent person, so think of it as an experiment. Find a girl you find physically attractive and ask her out. Have a nice date, give her a kiss at the very least (since you say "never been in a relationship or done anything with a girl"), and see what happens. Worst you have to lose is a bit of time, but you could gain a heck of a lot.

 

Could just be an issue of not truly knowing what you are missing. Not that there is anything wrong with being single; I know I enjoyed it for a long time. But you may just need to jump start that internal desire.

[Guy On The Couch]

Take off the rose tinted glasses. You having standards for yourself is ok, but having someone on a pedestal is not. And that is giving you all of this fog.

[Inflikted]

I understand your issue, but you must understand that without action you will stagnate in the same place you are in now.

 

Yeah, no, I know. I just tend to feel like I never really know what action to take, in this particular instance. "Dating" isn't a linear process, where you can say "Go here and you'll meet this girl, do this, then this, then this, etc.". There's no rhyme or reason for meeting people one might find attractive. Someone could spend an entire day doing all kinds of different social activities and not find a single person they'd want to ask out, while someone else could go to one place for an hour and find five different people they'd want to date. And that's why I often default to inaction in this case, because there's no real process to follow, in order to meet someone. It either happens or it doesn't.

 

For me, it just... doesn't. Let's say the average age for people to start dating is 16; that's nine years for me, right now. Nine years, where I've met hundreds of people, in many different ways, and in that time, I've only found one girl I actually wanted to date. Again, I'm not unwilling to "do the work", but it's hard to even really know what the "work" actually is, because in my experience, there's really no particular way to actually meet someone you're compatible with.

 

Find a girl you find physically attractive and ask her out.

 

See that's one thing, "physical attraction" doesn't really work for me. I don't necessarily know why this is, but I've never really been able to "notice" girls. Looks just aren't really something I pay attention to, sexual desire isn't something I'm fueled by. I'm much more interested in finding someone that can stimulate my mind. Someone I can talk to, share a good laugh with, have some kind of emotional intimacy with; if I find that with a person, THEN I'll start seeing them in a more physical way, but initially, I'm so much more driven by personality than anything else.

 

In other discussions on other forums, it's been suggested to me in the past that I have symptoms of low testosterone. I don't know if that's true or not, nor do I know if that would have any kind of effect on this kind of thing. Honestly, I don't think I've ever really been that driven by physical qualities.

 

I've always just written it off as something that comes along with the "hopeless romantic" persona I've always had. I dunno.

 

Take off the rose tinted glasses. You having standards for yourself is ok, but having someone on a pedestal is not. And that is giving you all of this fog.

 

I don't really know about this "pedestal" stuff. Yes, I think this girl, in particular, had all the qualities I've ever wanted, and is the "best" possible match for myself. But I never said she was flawless, nor have I ever seen her as "above me". Heck, one of the reasons I got attached to her so quickly was because I always felt like she and I were such good equals. The way we'd talk to each other and treat each other, it never felt like we were on different levels, we were just two people with a lot in common that, in my opinion, would've made a really great "team" together. Does that really count as putting someone on a pedestal?

 

Just because I feel she was "the best" for me doesn't mean I'm "putting her on a pedestal", I don't think. When you say "x was the best x I've ever had", you're not necessarily putting x object on a pedestal, you're simply saying that it gave you the most personal enjoyment and pleasure than any other before it. And that's all I'm saying here, about this girl. Is she "on a pedestal" simply because I've never enjoyed someone's company as much as I enjoyed hers? I guess you can argue that, if you want, but I just don't really see it that way.

[Scales]

Rather than a pedestal, I would say that you are taking the very specific and best qualities of the girl you had a thing for and making those qualities a must. There is a certain expectation to be had that no girls around you will meet. The qualities you are attracted to are mental and emotional so they must be very rare. I imagine you disqualify girls more on their behavior rather than their looks.

 

The truth is that I think what causes an attraction for currently is so rare coupled with what most people suffer with: low opportunity. I'd say if it is true that your physical attraction is sparked by an emotional and intellectual cause, than talk to a lot of girls. A lot of them. That way you can give yourself a lot of opportunities to make a connection that will otherwise not be made through physical attraction or body language for you. You also might consider moving if possible. The people around you just might not be in your ballpark.