Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 So, I did it. I've initiated NC and made it through the first night, the first night of his voice/messages being the last thing I hear/read before I sleep. I made it through the first morning, the first morning waking up without a message from him waiting to wish me a good day and tell me he loves me. I'm not looking for a parade or a gold medal, I know this needed to be done... Just looking for a little support as I navigate the nc process, the healing process, the getting back to who I am process. We have been in LC for months now with him pressing for more and me holding him back and admittedly being very hot and cold with him. Other than kissing there has been no physical contact since late November ish. So of you will probably remember my post about our midnight dash from the hotel room That said, out EA has really been full out because even in lc we have been declaring out love and still future faking. We even spent vday together. I just can't do it anymore . I can't. We had an "issue" late last week where he got very jealous about something he shouldn't have. And it just made me realize that here I am feeling badly for having male FRIENDS when he's still going home to his wife, happy or not for all intents and purposes they are very married....I'm so so tired of feeling like I have the responsibility of a committed relationship without the benefits of having a true partner and I.AM.DONE. See, he reiterated to me that he wants to be with me. Marry me, join our lives but that he doesn't have a timeframe (for all the bull**** usual reasons..kids, house etc) but what I figured out is that while he has no timeframe I (subconsciously) did!! And time is up...my time spent waiting and accepting crumbs has come to an end and I'm taking my power back and ending it before I totally lose myself I love him and told him that once he's made some decisions and actually left he can contact me but that he needs to give me space unless/until that happens. He knows what he needs to do and my guess is he won't. Right now I feel really strong and I'm so glad to have found this forum... Any advice for getting through the next few weeks would be really appreciated 7
PurpleCardigan Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Awesome job on day 1!! ((hug)) What got me through the first few weeks was seeing a Counselor so I had a better outlet for what I was feeling and, as trite as it sounds, I kept (and continue to keep) busy. I'm training for my first half-marathon, spending more time with friends and just working hard to move on. No magic just trying to keep him out of my brain and keeping the negative self-talk as low as possible. All easier said than done. I try to remember the lies and the worst times, not the best ones. I remember that there is someone better for me out there. Hang in there! You CAN do this!
Author Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Awesome job on day 1!! ((hug)) What got me through the first few weeks was seeing a Counselor so I had a better outlet for what I was feeling and, as trite as it sounds, I kept (and continue to keep) busy. I'm training for my first half-marathon, spending more time with friends and just working hard to move on. No magic just trying to keep him out of my brain and keeping the negative self-talk as low as possible. All easier said than done. I try to remember the lies and the worst times, not the best ones. I remember that there is someone better for me out there. Hang in there! You CAN do this! Thanks PC I was driving to work today reminiscing and second guessing myself and I immediately stopped and started to remember all the reasons WHY we are not together and you know, realistically speaking they are not my "fault" he has all the power in the world to change it ... Of he really wants to and what I'm doing is simply self preservation.., which I will keep telling myself I deserve until I fully believe it I started IC in January and it's helped immensely and yes, I've already filled the upcoming weekend with things to do and I've figured out how to avoid the "unavoidable" spots we see each other almost daily... Thanks again, helps so much to know I'm not alone 2
PurpleCardigan Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Two more things... Eat right and get enough sleep. I was at my weakest both for wanting contact and weepy when I was hungry, stressed, etc. I tend not to eat when I'm heartbroken, and eat too much the rest of time, so when I was living on coffee it was miserable. I was sooo emotional. When I ate three meals a day, hungry or not, I was able to get through it much better. Figure out your "triggers" be it food, sleep, exercise, work stress, etc, and find a remedy. Also, and I don't recall if you are single or married and since I'm nearly late for work I can't dig thru posts, but I'm single so I placed a note on my bedside table and that listed a favorite phrase of his and then put a translation of sorts underneath it, which was "I'm happy enough with my WIFE and family." It seems teenager-ish especially since I'm in my late 30s but it worked. It was the constant reminder that he was married and never leaving and I was tired of hurting. I saw that reminder at least twice a day and it helped! 4
wasntlooking Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Great job! PC is right about taking care of yourself. Get sleep because ive noticed im so much weaker when im overly tired. I started NC five months ago, we both are married, i was falling hard fof him and knew i had to go. I still feel the same about him today. We never had bad moments so i have nothing bad to think about besides he cheated. NC is so hard and i go back and forth daily still. You can do it though. Post here when you feel like you want to contact. I struggle everyday but i know it needs to be done as hard as it is. Its nice knowing theres more people out there and that were not all crazy. Im just waiting for the day that i dont care anymore.....am trying! 2
Author Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Two more things... Eat right and get enough sleep. I was at my weakest both for wanting contact and weepy when I was hungry, stressed, etc. I tend not to eat when I'm heartbroken, and eat too much the rest of time, so when I was living on coffee it was miserable. I was sooo emotional. When I ate three meals a day, hungry or not, I was able to get through it much better. Figure out your "triggers" be it food, sleep, exercise, work stress, etc, and find a remedy. Also, and I don't recall if you are single or married and since I'm nearly late for work I can't dig thru posts, but I'm single so I placed a note on my bedside table and that listed a favorite phrase of his and then put a translation of sorts underneath it, which was "I'm happy enough with my WIFE and family." It seems teenager-ish especially since I'm in my late 30s but it worked. It was the constant reminder that he was married and never leaving and I was tired of hurting. I saw that reminder at least twice a day and it helped! I am single as we'll, divorced with. 2 children . Mid 30s and my marriage ended because he had an affair but actually left for the Ow (who turned around and divorced him within a year of their marriage but that a whole other story) anyways I can't believe I allowed myself to become the OW... Wth was I thinking??!! I don't eat when I'm stressed either and tend to throw myself farther into training too so my body certainly pays for it... Ty for the reminder to be kind to myself <3 Wasntlooking---- we got along very well and really the only things we argued about was his inappropriate "jealousy" so I totally hear you on having a hard time replacing the good memories with the bad memories... I'm just holding strong and fast to the fact that I know that this is not the type of relationship I want and that if what we have is on fact real, that "soulmate" love then he will do what he needs to do to make "us" work and if he doesn't I'll be ok because I know I am worthy of more than the crumbs and stollen moments... As frequent as they were they still weren't enough for me. a male poster on another part of this forum said that (basically) "a man in true deep love will move mountains to be with the woman he claims to be his true soulmate" whether it's true or not idk but I'm sticking to that. He can either move the mountain or stay in his hole on the other side. I'm not chasing after him 4
Author Nothisgirl Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 It's the little things I'm really missing ... Hearing from him wondering about my day....sound of his voice ...why is this so damn hard ?
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Im not sure why its so hard. I think its because this person comes into our life at the right time to fill a void. It feels good. Then its gone again, and honestly some of us feel stuck in our marriages or are confused. Like me, im confused. Ive never had a R that i took this long to recover from. I truly know we had smething but it got too hard to continue without someone else gettng hurt and i wasnt going to allow that. Id take the hurt before anyone else. Hang in there....... 1
jellybean89 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I like what PC said about having a reminder for when times are tough. Your note can read "he's married and doing nothing to change that". I agree that a man in love will do whatever he must do to be with the woman he loves. In fact, I believe a man in love with a woman would never disrespect that woman by asking her to be a mistress. He would never want to see her hurt and he would definitely not continue to hurt her over and over again. Him staying married - happy or not & including all the various "excuses" he comes up with - does hurt the woman he claims to love. Keep those thoughts in your mind when you are feeling weak and want to break NC. Good luck to you and enjoy the new journey you are on. 3
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 So staying NC is a form of respect right? If it was the woman who requested it? Id like to think in my case he doesng want to see me hurt anymore so hes respecting my NC order.... 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I like what PC said about having a reminder for when times are tough. Your note can read "he's married and doing nothing to change that". I agree that a man in love will do whatever he must do to be with the woman he loves. In fact, I believe a man in love with a woman would never disrespect that woman by asking her to be a mistress. He would never want to see her hurt and he would definitely not continue to hurt her over and over again. Him staying married - happy or not & including all the various "excuses" he comes up with - does hurt the woman he claims to love. Keep those thoughts in your mind when you are feeling weak and want to break NC. Good luck to you and enjoy the new journey you are on. Wow, thank you so so much for this. He tried the "I know it's so hard and crazy but I don't regret falling in love with you and I want you forever...and even though right now its not perfect and I can't give you a timeframe life is what we make it, we can make our own rules, wait of rme please" sort of speech...it made me so incredibly angry..NO we don't make our own rules and the ones you (he) set just don't work for me..AND furthermore, like you said if he loves me he won't want me to continue hurting. Seriously, thank you. 2
ms_enigmatic Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 keep moving ahead one day, one hour at a time even, and if you do break NC, forgive yourself and reinstate it. This is about you doing what is best for you. If he really respects and cares about you he will honor your no contact request. 2
PurpleCardigan Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I hope that you are doing OK as you made it through another day! It does get better, I promise -- I and so many others here have been there. It has taken me hard work mostly through counseling but I see more light than darkness and more hope about the future. I think of him less but accept the fact that I'm going to have awful days when I can't get him out of my mind. But I do encourage you to be good to yourself and your children. You mentioned that you were once the BS and your ex-husband left you for the OW. My counselor helped be work through some of why I chose the crumbs of a MM -- for me I had recently lost my grandmother who raised me and I was struggling through severe grief while keeping a smiling face to everyone around me. I grew-up in a severely abusive home and carried that into my adult relationships. My ex was the first guy that, well, wasn't. I share this very personal side of my story to say that perhaps you, too, were experiencing grief or a void that came with being cheated on or other life factors. If you can fill the void it may help you let go of MM. I found myself holding on to the pain of my ex because it was all I had; much like I held onto the grief of my only "parent" as that was all I had. It wasn't until I was emotionally willing to let go that the deep pain eased. To explain a little more when I said that I think of the negative things about him, I didn't mean fights or the like as we didn't have too much of that either, but ways that I got crumbs. Some examples: he said that we'd go on vacation together but then made an excuse; or checking his phone for "emergencies" when we were together; or spending holidays alone. I think about how he said he loved me but chose to stay married. That he is unhappy but completely passive in his marriage and too scared to make any decision. He dripped the truth to me. It was these things that make me remember that I accepted crumbs. It's those negatives that get me through missing his voice, the way he held my hand, asking about my day, supporting my career, his tight hugs, the glimmer in his eye, our inside jokes and memories. One final thing...in the first days of NC/ending it music was a big problem for me. A song would catch me off guard, so I went old school made a mix CD and avoided the radio in the car, house, etc. It prevented embarrassing tears! 2
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 PC Yes! Music has actually been a slow killer for me i think. Ive stopped listening to the radio and my songs on my phone that i used to listen to when i was tslking to XAP. Music can help in so many ways but it def does not help me in my situation currently. Too many songs that have come out lately that remind me of him
herself Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Hope your doing ok today. There will be many ups and downs. Please block him in all ways (or maybe you said you did) but I just know for me, it was a big help in the 2 months we were NC. Your time and life are your own & the tricky thing is your heart will still yearn for someone your brain knows is a d-ck so it stinks, but time allows more and more clarity. I broke NC when at the 2 month it got the hardest & i think that was because my gut was telling me there was nothing left between us, and I missed my friend too much to completely move on. I dont recommend this. Clean breaks are so much better.
Silverapathy Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Good girl! I'll follow your example and be strong!looking to you and other similar experiences to help me through! Stay healthy. 1
blue963 Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Keep up the good work, you have many better things waiting on the other side of your life. 1
sunburned Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Congrats and good luck!!!! It's true it does get easier with time. But just remember it may get harder first. The anger adrenaline wears off after the first few days and then you are sort of alone with your own willpower. Proud of you for taking that first step. You got this! 1
Recommended Posts