KatZee Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 If you're looking for a husband figure, this guy is not it. Everyone on this thread can speculate day in and day out about what's going on. Is he depressed? Is he on drugs? Does he have a second life? etc etc. But no one knows what's really going on except for him, and clearly he hasn't been honest with you. I would also stop making excuses for him. Oh, he's upset about his mother. Oh, he's depressed. Oh, he's sick. Oh this, oh that. If I learned anything from my past relationship is that you absolutely CAN NOT make excuses for anyone. If you're his fiance, he should treat you as such, no matter what. No excuses. Life is always going to be full of ups and downs. Is this the kind of guy you want to go through life's "downs" with? A guy that runs away for weeks on end? Can barely remember you're even a figure in his life? He needs to get his s.hit together before you even consider marrying him. He needs therapy, he needs to start owning his life, he needs to start learning how to cope effectively. And this is nothing you can do for him. I would keep the wedding on hold for now, until he really gets his life together.
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Juliette2, I know this sounds selfish, but save yourself. Do not get back with him. His troubles and the way he responds, deals with them will be a permanent specter in any relationship you have with him. It's not your job to save anyone and certainly not your goal to live in misery b/c someone else in your life is incapable or unwilling to get it together. 1
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Is he from a different culture? If so, any chance his family is using this trip as an opportunity to pressure him to consider other options for marriage? The dying mom would certainly amplify the guilt trip aspect. Have you met his family? Do they like you and accept you? Not that it is any kind of excuse, but I suspect the other woman scenario.
Itspointless Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Juliette2, I know this sounds selfish, but save yourself. Do not get back with him. His troubles and the way he responds, deals with them will be a permanent specter in any relationship you have with him. It's not your job to save anyone and certainly not your goal to live in misery b/c someone else in your life is incapable or unwilling to get it together. I do not think that would be selfish. If he has certain problems - like avoidance due to attachment or depression - than it would be the question if you want to live with someone like him? Chances are this behavior will repeat itself. That means your relationship probably never will be normal, at least what is known as normal for most couples. But if i were Juliette2 I first would like to know what is going on. A dying parent can be very traumatizing. Not contacting your girl in such a situation is something I don't understand though, but perhaps there is more to the story that Juliette2 knows and we do not. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I do not think that would be selfish. If he has certain problems - like avoidance due to attachment or depression - than it would be the question if you want to live with someone like him? Chances are this behavior will repeat itself. That means your relationship probably never will be normal, at least what is known as normal for most couples. But if i were Juliette2 I first would like to know what is going on. A dying parent can be very traumatizing. Not contacting your girl in such a situation is something I don't understand though, but perhaps there is more to the story that Juliette2 knows and we do not. I, personally agree. I didn't know how Juliette2 would take my advice. I am completely against being, especially beginning, a relationship with someone who will not complement and ADD (positively) to my life.
Itspointless Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I, personally agree. I didn't know how Juliette2 would take my advice. I am completely against being, especially beginning, a relationship with someone who will not complement and ADD (positively) to my life. Speaking from my own position - I am in my mid-thirties - this can be hard. Sometimes we meet someone that complements us in ways we never would have dreamt, but still turn out to be - as in my case - avoidant. This can leave us in a situation with choices where all the options presented feel bad. I do not know on what kind of levels 'he' complemented Juliette2 and how emotionally deep their relation actually was.
Author Juliette2 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Hey everyone. Thanks for contributing. This thread has seriously helped me stay grounded in a very difficult time. To answer some things, a) there is no culture issue we both come from northern European countries. Having said that there was a lot of bullying going on for him to stay and look after his mom instead of coming home which is why he stayed so much longer than planned. b) he was not always avoidant. In fact before **** hit the fan this was the perfect relationship and yes he did complete me in all areas possible (emotionally, physically, romantically you name it). Now on to the update. We have been speaking endlessly today and yesterday. Obviously a lot was said so I can't possibly write everything down. Just some highlights. a) he was convinced his mom was actually dying and the thought overwhelmed him so that he blocked everything else out (his father died when he was a child) b) he was barely functioning, only concentrated on looking after his mother and neglected everything else. He thought about me every day but didn't want me to witness him in such a poor state, then days turned into weeks without him realizing. c) he said he is the same man I have known and loved for 3 years and that his feelings for me can't change in a month. he may not be handling everything great but if he wanted out of our engagement he would clearly let me know immediately. d) he is coming back in two weeks (he said that before but he told me this time it is final - let's see) and then we can solve everything so there is no shadow between us. e) he understands that he hurt me. Obviously we were talking about a lot of things but I told him that if he wants me out of his life I will go instantly and without resentment, as soon as he says the word. I also told him that this whole affair made me really insecure and that under those circumstances I can't consider marrying him, at least not until and unless the problem is addressed, and that I really want to be there for him but it makes it hard for me to do so. I asked him to take a break these two weeks and do what he needs to do and when he is back in town we can talk face to face and see where we stand. What do you guys think?
CarrieT Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I would still be worried about you wanting to tie yourself to a future with a man who can let three weeks go by without being in contact with someone they ostensibly can't live without. Too many red flags... 2
Itspointless Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Hi Julliete2, I am happy for you that you had a good conversation with him. I can understand his fear, I too lost a parent in my adolescence to an illness, that still is no excuse though to exclude you. A few years ago when my other parent was lying on intensive care I was happy when my relatives were close. Apparently this is the first time in the period together he faced distress that triggered his attachment system (he probably felt abandoned by his father while young). You experienced I think what they call the 'avoidant deactivation strategy'. The fact that he says that he did not want you to witness him in such a poor state triggers that same thought. The same thing has been said to me. Well long story short, I was cut-off. Perhaps you can get him to therapy, but it is on you if you can cope with this behaviour as probably this will be for life when things are getting hard on a emotional level.
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 Obviously we were talking about a lot of things but I told him that if he wants me out of his life I will go instantly and without resentment, as soon as he says the word. Mistake. You've given him all the power?????? This is not healthy. You need to be prepared, at any time, to make that decision for yourself. I also told him that this whole affair made me really insecure and that under those circumstances I can't consider marrying him, at least not until and unless the problem is addressed, and that I really want to be there for him but it makes it hard for me to do so. I asked him to take a break these two weeks and do what he needs to do and when he is back in town we can talk face to face and see where we stand. What do you guys think? What is the problem that needs to be addressed? You have a man that will close you off if stress becomes a part of his life. You can count on that. The decision, as I see it, is whether you will be okay with that. Safeguard your heart, your life. I know people who have been through as much or more than your bf and they did not shut down or avoid the ones they love for as long as he did. I'm sorry. I hope things work out, but just worried about you, your life and your emotional happiness... 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 I think this is positive in that you clearly expressed what you're feeling and he clearly heard it, recognized the urgency of it and has made efforts to address and allay your concerns. You're not out of the woods yet, but at least you know he cares enough to deal head on with your feelings. I think it was a very good idea to set a firm date for his return so that there's accountability and you won't have this strange endless limbo that you've been in. Just wondering - why don't you go where he is? Even if it's just for a long weekend? It seems a bit strange that you haven't been there already, given the magnitude of what he's been going through. What's up with that?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 23, 2014 Posted February 23, 2014 There is something very wrong here...
Author Juliette2 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Posted February 23, 2014 Once again a very big thank you all for your thoughts and support. It has been really difficult for me, only a handful of people know what is happening (in real life I am not that open about what is going on in my life) Poppy, I would have gone to see him in a second had the circumstances been right. He was not supposed to be gone for so long, it was always a case of "just one more week" which we covered today when we spoke. I am certainly not out of the woods. I think when he comes back I will know just how much he changed, not sooner than that. All I know is that I can not possibly marry this man under the circumstances. I know we broke up in the past but even then we were not disconnected. This is the very first time something like that happens. I think a break for these two weeks is the best. Then he can really think what he wants and so can I. He (said) didn't want it but he agreed. I think it is for the best considering our conversations. I will update when something happens upon his return. I feel it is a make or break point. 1
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