Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 TB Rhine, he was acting weird since Christmas. he disappeared for a couple of weeks before this time. I was frantically worried he may be dead or in a coma or something bad had happened to his mother. He told me he was fine and I had to explain that when he is not in touch I worry something happened to him. He resumed communication enthusiastically and then went silent again for 3 weeks. How many times should I assume he has been hit by a truck rather than he doesn't wish to speak with me for you not to consider me selfish? 4
FitChick Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Because he is acting so strangely, I'd first arrange to get my stuff back before he sells it, gives it away or burns it. Who knows what's really going on? His behavior is a red flag. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Reach out. Tell him you love him & that you want a LONG engagement. Wait until at least the lawsuit is over before you take any concrete steps toward a future. I must vehemently oppose this advice. You break the engagement and if you choose to stand by him as a friend in need, then do so. He going through a lot, yes, but he is also capable of doing and salvaging what responsibility he still has for those around him and himself. His lack of communication and inability to deal with these issues are what you see as what and who he really is. Do you think the next time he is faced with some crisis, urgency that he won't behave in this manner? HE STOPPED COMMUNICATING WITH YOU during some dark times and at your expense. DO NOT ENABLE him by agreeing to an uncertain and melancholy and LONG(?) engagement. You have extended help, concern and he chose to ignore it. Help him to get his shyte together then perhaps go back to re-engaging yourselves to one another. Not before. It is hideous how many people waste years of their lives for someone to do what he/she should be doing for themselves. Terrible how so many people become co-dependent, clouded by feeling that they are responsible for every guy/girl that voluntarily effs-up their lives and then proceeds to do little or nothing to correct it. DON'T hold your life b/c someone else is not willing to move forward for his. He made have some issues, that's true, but don't destroy your life or your opportunity to finding love from someone who is capable of loving you back reesponsibly and responsively. I have a very dear friend going through this, or had and life is simply too short to pick up other people's shyte when they have opps/options to correct them. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I don't believe your fiance deserves for you to sacrifice, unilaterally, your life (time) for him. Be his friend w/o being engaged or even as a gf and help him HELP HIMSELF...but don't get sucked in to becoming his enabler or his fool.
Phantom888 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 His life situation changed, and he couldn't handle the pressure. He never saw you as an equal partner, so he tried to write you off by disappearing. Many weak men do this... it's their way of making things (your relationship) disappear by completely ignoring it. They believe that problems would go away if they turn a blind eye. My GF's ex was like this.... left her when he found out she was pregnant. Completely disappeared because he's afraid of being a father. WEAK! Unfortunately, many woman accept weak men as they are, so they continue to be weak and mess up the relationship. Sorry.
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Soccer, thank you so much. I have no intention of enabling anything. The engagement is clearly off whether he wishes to communicate that with me or not. Whether this man will continue to be part of my life is very doubtful at the moment. I don't wish to be his friend. Friends don't treat each other like that. I don't want to assume things so if he really is in a coma or something really heavy is going on that I am not aware of I would hear him out (ironically I don't want this to be true. I don't want anything bad to happen to him) but my trust in him is shaken. Right now I just wish the stuff situation was sorted. It is really unhealthy for me to see his armchair every time I walk in the living room or his beloved guitar. Phantom I am really sorry you ex had this horrible experience. I am glad this didn't shake her belief that decent men exist, I know my belief has been shaken at the moment. I don't know how to "like" stuff that has been written but I appreciate you guys walking me through this nightmare.
FitChick Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Is there any proof of all these calamaties or do you just have his word for it? Perhaps he panicked about marrying you so made that stuff up.
Author Juliette2 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Nah, it's all true unfortunately. It all went down almost a year before marriage was even remotely discussed. I was there to witness it all. Last year was a terrible year for him (still not excusing anything)
Author Juliette2 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Seriously dude. Read the thread. I am tired of being accused by morons who don't bother with the details but only rush in at the chance to puff their chest in know it all superiority over an unknown person on the internet. Sorry I don't fill your stereotype description. I never cared about the ring or the marriage. I cared about him. In spite of everything I still do. There is a thing called love. It's an emotion. You should look it up. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 ...Right now I just wish the stuff situation was sorted. It is really unhealthy for me to see his armchair every time I walk in the living room or his beloved guitar. Phantom I am really sorry you ex had this horrible experience. I am glad this didn't shake her belief that decent men exist, I know my belief has been shaken at the moment. I don't know how to "like" stuff that has been written but I appreciate you guys walking me through this nightmare. If I were you I would contact him by whatever means necessary - all text, email and phone - and inform him that you want to retrieve your stuff and return his to him. Don't sound angry or upset. Just matter of fact. Don't discuss why. It's just a simple fact of life. I would stipulate a date and ask that he arrange for access to his apartment on that date so you can go over and pack your things. Then go about packing up his stuff in boxes so it's ready for pickup. If he doesn't respond, or refuses to arrange it, then can you contact hsi landlord? Often they can then contact the tenant and get permission to let you in while you gather your things. I guess you don't have a key for his place, after three years?
Author Juliette2 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Yes, of course I have the key. I practically lived there the past two and a half years. I have already been in his flat weeks ago but somehow now it no longer seems right. I suppose I let it fester. I am sure I can contact him. I didn't attempt to at first because I know when he is depressed he needs a few days to himself but then days turned into weeks and given the inexplicable distance between us last month I didn't know what to say. As I said I don't even know if he is back. I know I need to text him I just don't know the words. Of course I don't want anything bad to happen to him but chances are he is fine (at least physically). The reason why I didn't rush into the "the engagement is off make sure to retrieve your stuff" message was partly my mother who insists there is a good explanation behind this as this is so completely out of character and she asked me not to rush. I now see that I have to end this now.
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 The reason why I didn't rush into the "the engagement is off make sure to retrieve your stuff" message was partly my mother who insists there is a good explanation behind this as this is so completely out of character and she asked me not to rush. I now see that I have to end this now. "'SHUDDER "'SHUDDER "'SHIVER"' I have a very close friend who was in a relationship for over 8+ years largely b/c she listened to her mother instead of EVERYONE else who told her to leave. So, instead of having wasted 1-2 years of her life, she wasted 8+ years of her life in a dead-end relationship and she is forever damaged by it. Juliette2. Thank goodness you now see what you need to do. Good luck. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 It is really unhealthy for me to see his armchair every time I walk in the living room or his beloved guitar. I can imagine it is really unhealthy and it's delaying day one of your recovery from all of this. At this stage I think you should treat this like a breakup and organise swapping your possessions over. Enlist the help of some friends, take your stuff back from his and take his stuff back to his house. The sooner the better. Even if only the major items you'd be sad to lose. Even if you do get back in touch with one another and there's an innocent explanation, I don't think moving in officially together or proceeding with the engagement is a good idea at this point. He sounds very unstable and like he'd be an unreliable partner. Look at all of the stress he's putting you through. I would also have reached out to his family and asked them if he's okay because you are worried and haven't heard from him for weeks. It's not normal for two people in a relationship heading towards marriage to not speak for three whole weeks, twice. I see you're a lawyer.... where's your fire? I thought that was what you guys were famous for? Go get your stuff back, bring this to a head so you can begin to move on. Are you afraid of confronting him (showing up at his apartment, blowing up his phone etc.) because on some level you're scared of the response? Any response would be better than this limbo.
TB Rhine Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 "What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons." Don Draper, Mad Men
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 (edited) "What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons." Don Draper, Mad Men I don't claim to FULLY understand this quote, but have an idea. It's funny how many of us, after a break-up or loss, go back and examine whether it was indeed LOVE or whether it was co-dependency or something less "magical" and endearing. I have met too many (women especially) people, as they reflect on past relationships, who realize that it was not love, not healthy, and not something they would want to experience again. Alas, depending on the frame of mind, some will continue unfortunately, in the face of evidence, to believe it was. Edited February 21, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
Author Juliette2 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 I find the quote sad and certainly unhelpful. Also, for the next comment I do get that people wonder about the quality of their entire relationship but I try not to overanalyze. Things like assuming that the relationship was a ****ty one through and through and that I was imagining things only put me in a position where I am tempted to defend a relationship I am trying hard to disconnect from. A lot of **** went down last year. His depression changed him. He now is a different person than the one I fell in love with. I see that and accept that. I am not angry because he evidently decided to end it. I am angry for not respecting me enough to inform me. But none of this makes our relationship prior to his breakdown a lie. I texted him and if he doesn't reply I will be calling his mom in the morning to make arrangements.
soccerrprp Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 His depression changed him. He now is a different person than the one I fell in love with. I see that and accept that. I am not angry because he evidently decided to end it. I am angry for not respecting me enough to inform me. But none of this makes our relationship prior to his breakdown a lie. I texted him and if he doesn't reply I will be calling his mom in the morning to make arrangements. You are right. Good luck.
Noproblem Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Losing a mother can change a human being and destroy him Really, can't you all feel what he is going through! Just leave him now and either move on or wait until he return back to his old self You are still young, if you can't wait. This is a good thing, because you can still see others and gain your life back. but if you invested so much in him and waited long enough to find he changed for good, it will be a big waste of time. I recommend moving on with your life and see what life is offering you he might come back after a year, or you might find someone who treats you better. Best of luck. Personal note. As a person, I want the one I love stand by me He is losing his mother, you can go visit him there, I think he needs you
TB Rhine Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I think romantic love is a construct, a thing that exists in our minds because it was put there by popular culture - to sell pop music, movie tickets, encourage marriage and solidify the family unit, etc. The "one true love" everyone is out there looking for doesn't exist. More to the point, love is whatever you decide to call it. If it's not reciprocated, we call it infatuation, or even obsession. If it's unhealthy, we call it codependency. If it doesn't work out, we say it was never even love at all! The only thing we're willing to assign the label of "love" to is that fantasy of a perfect, long-lasting relationship where boredom never sets in, temptation never intrudes and passion never fades. It's all the same thing - we just call it something different, depending on the details.
salparadise Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 I think romantic love is a construct, a thing that exists in our minds because it was put there by popular culture - to sell pop music, movie tickets, encourage marriage and solidify the family unit, etc. The "one true love" everyone is out there looking for doesn't exist. More to the point, love is whatever you decide to call it. If it's not reciprocated, we call it infatuation, or even obsession. If it's unhealthy, we call it codependency. If it doesn't work out, we say it was never even love at all! The only thing we're willing to assign the label of "love" to is that fantasy of a perfect, long-lasting relationship where boredom never sets in, temptation never intrudes and passion never fades. It's all the same thing - we just call it something different, depending on the details. That may be the saddest thing I've heard anyone say. I agree that various feelings and conditions often masquerade as love, and I agree that some people sadly have little or no capacity. But I have known people who loved without reservation 'til death do us part, and it was not an illusion or delusion created by popular culture. The biggest fallacy about love is that you have to go out and find someone lovable. The truth is that you have look inside to find someone lovable first. 4
Author Juliette2 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 Well, the update. As you know I texted him to say this engagement is not working out for me that I hope he finds happiness in life and that we should make arrangements for our stuff. He did not respond until it was time to go to a birthday party in a cellar where my phone did not have reception. Upon emerging at around 4 am my phone started beeping like crazy. I found several missed calls (about 20) and text messages. He seemed genuinely surprised (!) that I thought he didn't want to be with me. that he wants to marry me that I am the only good thing in his life and that he only now realized how much time had passed. Also, he mentioned that he has been very depressed mainly because of his mother and the trial and then he got pneumonia and he is still in bed. In the morning he called again but I didn't pick up and texted him instead that I agree we should talk and I would call him in the afternoon. I did this because I wanted to manage my thoughts and emotions before speaking with him. I understand his situation is horrible, I have been by his side since the moment this nightmare started but I want to know where I am standing. Right now all I can do is listen. I am convinced that at the moment I definitely don't want to marry him, I am not even sure I want to be with him. I can't ignore the red flags. His behavior for the past two months is not the behavior of a man who wants me in his life.
ASG Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Well, the update. As you know I texted him to say this engagement is not working out for me that I hope he finds happiness in life and that we should make arrangements for our stuff. He did not respond until it was time to go to a birthday party in a cellar where my phone did not have reception. Upon emerging at around 4 am my phone started beeping like crazy. I found several missed calls (about 20) and text messages. He seemed genuinely surprised (!) that I thought he didn't want to be with me. that he wants to marry me that I am the only good thing in his life and that he only now realized how much time had passed. Also, he mentioned that he has been very depressed mainly because of his mother and the trial and then he got pneumonia and he is still in bed. In the morning he called again but I didn't pick up and texted him instead that I agree we should talk and I would call him in the afternoon. I did this because I wanted to manage my thoughts and emotions before speaking with him. I understand his situation is horrible, I have been by his side since the moment this nightmare started but I want to know where I am standing. Right now all I can do is listen. I am convinced that at the moment I definitely don't want to marry him, I am not even sure I want to be with him. I can't ignore the red flags. His behavior for the past two months is not the behavior of a man who wants me in his life. Someone who doesn't realise 3 weeks have passed since last talking to you clearly doesn't have you as a top priority. And you should be, if you're the person he wants to marry you. Even with all the other crap in his life (and I'm sure he must be having a horrible time), the fact that he didn't even notice he hadn't spoken to you in so long? Speaks VOLUMES! Sadly, I think his reaction is more on the "oh no, not another thing to go wrong" side of things... He's used to having you there and I have no doubt he loves you, in a way. But you are not a priority in his life, at all. 2
Itspointless Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Has anyone mentioned that depressed people sometimes withdraw? Read this following story and all the testimonies: Withdraw from partner, but not others when depressed? - Depression or Depression Traps: Social Withdrawal, Rumination, and More And why the hating on man by some in this thread? Bailing has not much to do with sex or gender, there are also enough ladies who choose the easy option out of a relation, because they are avoidant, depressed, or whatever. Anyway good luck with your situation and the choices you make. 1
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 The behavior is crazy. Who doesn't contact someone for 3 weeks, and then act like all is normal? I think there is something else going on here. Is he on drugs? Is his depression so bad that he can't get out of bed? Is there another woman? This behavior is bizarre.
salparadise Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 Maybe with all that's going on in his life he was hoping the OP would take some initiative to stay in touch... OP, had you been trying to contact him during this time or just wondering why he hasn't contacted you?
Author Juliette2 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 The drug theory has been suggested by a lot of people lately, mainly my friends but also his. It would explain a lot but I lived with him, I would have known. Also no, last time I did not contact him at all. This was however the result of failing communication between us the previous month when I did reach out all the time. If you asked me before Christmas I would say that I am certain there is no other woman, now I am not that sure anymore. Anyway, we should be speaking a bit later today, see what he has to tell me. And yes, from experience with him his depression can get so bad that he literally can't get out of bed but this doesn't last three weeks.
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