Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 A little help here!!! So, my fiance is doing the disappearing act. It is not like we are kids or anything. He is 37 and I am 33. We have been together for three years. I thought we were very much in love. The first two were bliss. Then disaster stroke. Within the space of a couple of months his life collapsed. His successful business in ruins, a huge lawsuit over his head, his house repossessed by the bank and his mom with cancer. He sunk into depression. I was there for him and he clung. When his depression became more severe he begun to take it out on us. One moment I was the love of his life next I deserved better and that he could not commit to me and take me down with him. We struggled for months and then I broke it off. came back crying a month later and after convincing me he was seeing a therapist and he actually wanted it to work I took him back. He proposed. Twice. The first time I turned him down because I felt he was only doing it because I expected him to (which is not true, I NEVER pressured him). Second time I said yes. We decided to spend the holidays each at our respective countries and I encouraged him to do so since a month prior to that his mom had been hospitalized for weeks. I have not seen him since. At first everything was wonderful between us, we kept in touch spent hours on the phone etc. Then, due to some really bad advice from someone I thought was close I sent him a drunken text whether he thought that getting married is really what we want to do. He called the next day immediately to reassure me that he loves me and that he is looking forward to spending his life with me. But then he got strange. He didn't respond right away and it took him days to call me. Whenever he did he was sweet and loving. Some of his relatives then basically bullied him into extending his stay to stay longer with his mom. that led to a mess with his court case (although it can be fixed) I never complained. Then he went a full 3 weeks without contacting me. Because communication was awkward between us I did not contact him in the mean time but did after three weeks to ask if he was alright cause I was worried. He responded assured me it had nothing to do with me and resumed normal communication with me for a week (you know the kind that feels right and not forced). Now he is gone again. 3 weeks since his last text. Obviously calling seems like a silly idea with the history of our communication lately. I have no idea if he is back in the country or not. I have no idea if he ever plans on calling me. I mean obviously I can't force him to stay with me but I still have his ring. Should he not at least tell me the engagement is off? I must add that this is entirely out of character. We never hesitated saying even harsh truths to each other. I considered this our big strength. I know assuming is bad but the writing is on the wall so I concider our engagement off but what do I do next? How would I go about contacting him so that I wouldn't sound needy so that I may get some answers? There is also practical stuff to consider, my stuff, his stuff, social obligations. What the hell happened? He could always talk to me about everything. Whatever happened (another woman, change of heart etc) surely he can tell me. He hasn't met me yesterday and we have shared uncomfortable things with each other in the past (especially when breaking up) Please advice me. I would be very greatful. I hate living in limbo.
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 What happened? Lets not be afraid of words, men are weak. Nothing more to it. I got the disappearing act as well after months of dating a man that said he was crazy about me. Now I am embarassed in front of family and friends because I had put him on a pedestal, he was perfect, he was the man of my life. More you will contact him more you will push him away. Cut all ties, go on with your life, and my guess is he will crawl back to you eventually BUT, do you really want someone like this as a husband? We see the real face of people in trials, not when all is nice and dandy. 5
soccerrprp Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Juliette2, I am sorry you are going through this. I would call! Call him and leave him a message at least and text. Text him so that he doesn't have an excuse that he didn't see the message. It's easier to simply delete a voicemail for avoidance, but a text pops up for him to see before he actually deletes. Since this is a case where you are concerned about communication, email him too. You are beyond the point of feeling self-conscious about appearing needy. Your fiance is not responding and shows signs of disappearing from your life. Heck, if you can, contact his family members/friends and tell them to relay your message to him. Tell him that you want to talk to him so you can decide to move on or not. Enough is enough. Your fiance needs to step up and responsibly tell you what is going on and not leave you in "limbo." Good luck. 3
soccerrprp Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 What happened? Lets not be afraid of words, men are weak. Nothing more to it. I got the disappearing act as well after months of dating a man that said he was crazy about me. Now I am embarassed in front of family and friends because I had put him on a pedestal, he was perfect, he was the man of my life. More you will contact him more you will push him away. Cut all ties, go on with your life, and my guess is he will crawl back to you eventually BUT, do you really want someone like this as a husband? We see the real face of people in trials, not when all is nice and dandy. Gaeta, Sorry for your experience. I think that the OP should make one last attempt at communicating with her "fiance." Let him know that she is prepared to move on and see what he has to say. I also believe she should simply send the ring back to him or make arrangements for him to retrieve it now. Somehow. Take off the ring Juliette2! Prepare to move on. 1
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 thanks for taking the time to answer. I am sorry it happened to you too. It sucks big time, doesn't it? I know my engagement is over but this is not some guy I casually dated. I lived with him. I know him (at least I thought I did) enough to know there is something really weird about it. My flat is full of his stuff and his flat full of mine. I have a laptop there and heaps of clothes and jewlerry, books etc. I don't want to leave them there. From reading on the internet it is of course adviced to go on with life and cut all contact but half my life is in his flat. 1
StanMusial Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 This relationship was never on a solid footing and you know this. If you can't reach him, reach out to his relatives or friends and let them know you need to get your stuff. He's probably on a bender or something. 1
Emilia Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 This relationship was never on a solid footing and you know this. This. Commitments made at the time of need have the habit of unravelling themselves I think when the person struggling had time to think.
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Thanks everyone. I haven't tried to call or text at all. Precisely because the whole thing felt unstable for the past 2 months. And yes, we had our problems last year but we were doing pretty awsome before he left. Our relationship was better and more easy going than before (I know it is easy to be blind about stuff but you just have to trust that I know the specifics of my relationship and both times it was in trouble I sensed it in my gut immediately) His last message to me was "Hey beautiful. Sorry I didn't call you on Sunday. Things were pretty stressful here. 2014 will be an awsome year. Are you as excited about it as I am?" then he never answered the text I sent him in reply. That was 3 weeks ago.
Survivor12 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 First, are you sure he's not in a hospital or jail? If he's not, then why do you need him to tell you that the engagement is off? If he has voluntarily gone MIA on you for three weeks, the decision is yours to make. What he's done is causing enough heartbreak, don't let your need for "answers" prolong the pain. If you break it off because he disappeared on you, THAT'S the reason it's over. You don't need to know why he left to accept that it's over and begin your healing process. After all, even people who are GIVEN a reason aren't always told the truth. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Breakups aren't easy. However, once you decide and accept that it is over and take some time to grieve the loss, it does eventually get easier to smile again. 1
StanMusial Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Thanks everyone. I haven't tried to call or text at all. Precisely because the whole thing felt unstable for the past 2 months. And yes, we had our problems last year but we were doing pretty awsome before he left. Our relationship was better and more easy going than before (I know it is easy to be blind about stuff but you just have to trust that I know the specifics of my relationship and both times it was in trouble I sensed it in my gut immediately) His last message to me was "Hey beautiful. Sorry I didn't call you on Sunday. Things were pretty stressful here. 2014 will be an awsome year. Are you as excited about it as I am?" then he never answered the text I sent him in reply. That was 3 weeks ago. Let me rephrase. From the information we have here, the engagement was not on a solid footing. Perhaps you were cruising along fine until everything went sh*tpot. Either way you need to track him down, technically you're still engaged right?
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 //Is he on drugs?// not to my knowledge. He is however severely depressed since last year. There were times he wouldn't even talk to his mom for weeks and I was the only person he would allow close. He is taking medication and the past few months before the holidays he was really getting better. The break up last year and right now are the only times we ever had any crisis as a couple. Communication used to be our biggest asset. I was really proud of the way we related to each other. 1
scatterd Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I would text him and let him know your wondering where you stand. If he gets a hold of you and he wants to continue this relationship. I would let him know that you understand he is going through alot but it is common courtesy to call you. He can call their is no excuse for that. This is unacceptable stop this now before it goesany further. He needs to know where you stand or he will do this always . Good Luck
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 The engagement is off. That much is clear. He is putting you through undue amounts of stress and evidently not considering your needs and feelings at all. His actions indicate he is not interested in maintaining the relationship. You are not going to appear needy when you try to contact him. This is absolutely not a concern when your fiance drops off the face of the earth. You have every right to demand a response from him and get your property back. Something is definitely wrong. Could be drugs, another woman, legal problems. You mentioned he screwed up big time with his court case; is there a possibility that he's being held in custody? Or has decided to skip town to avoid legal problems? 2
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Stan Musial I of course wasn't having a go at you or anything like that. I was just saying that deep down we simply know. I knew what I had before and I know what I sensed recently. Something was off a week into the holidays and sure enough his odd behavior begun shortly afterward. I don't wear the ring, seems pointless now but the problem with the "who needs closure" approach which I believe is the proper for similar situations, still leaves me on a loop as half my belongings are at his place (I do of course have a key but it would not be appropriate to use it). How would I word a text after all this time to get into contact and get my stuff? Especially given that I have no clue as to what happened. I don't want to sound desperate or bitter or anything but assuming I am still engaged is ignoring what his actions say. Long story short I don't know what to say to him on a text.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I've heard of this happen on occasion and I think it's a pretty cold thing for a guy to do when he chickens out of being honest or more than likely he's just running game and had you caught up in a whirlwind romance, I think it's a pretty brutal and cowardly thing to do but it does happen because this guys will go to any lengths to convince you that it is "real". At this point however I really wouldn't look for any answers, this guys behavior in itself should have completely cut him off of any chance in reconciling and his opportunity to talk to you should be undeserved because of YOUR STANDARDS, I know I know...why, how come, yadda yadda, the thing is men don't have these deep and complex reasons for doing what they do more often than not in the simple sense of what their agenda is overall, it's just simply something they either never planned on following through in the first place or it was just part of what they do and how they swoon women, it's very typical and common and don't think because of his age he's "grown-up" I've personally seen men in their 50's do this, so you can bet they go around doing this to more than one person because you're not the first or last person who's had this happen to them. You're very balanced and confused attitude in this situation should be rage and disappointment, I know you're confused but don't be diplomatic about this, the guy SCREWED YOU OVER, know when you've been crossed and draw the line. You have to know for yourself when there is no excuse good enough and this is one of them, the more you cling on just shows your weakness to men, and these kind of guys prey on gullible-emotionally enthralled in your web type of women that will believe any stupid retarded thing coming out of their mouths not because it's true or completely believable but you want it to be true and it's BS anyway, it's easy to tell...this guy is not honest with you, he is not straight-forward, I know his type and he is all about him...you're just something he uses time to time like a city bus going from town to town, a side thing and I can assure you he has another woman if not always had another one during the entire time...these guys play the field. Men will appear to be honest only when they are telling you things they want to be honest about, they are selectively open and honest, and the other things that you want to know are off-limits which you're either afraid to ask or he's fed you some half-@ss reason that you just accept, so they're not going to express the honest truth, you're not going to find out why...even if he's expressive in other ways and you think you're so close to him, he's just using your for a support cushion, don't mislead yourself into believing his actions mean something more because they don't. Anything this guy tells you will be a lie, so for your own good, move on...don't be naive, you're not that young, you should know better than to believe a guy like this. All of this other stuff that is going on his life and him telling you this or that is just an added bonus him to justify his emotional state and crap, but the thing is it's not about you, it was never about you...you're just a by-product of this guys unstable, reckless and irresponsible behavior...it's very typical, don't feel in limbo, just smack yourself on the side of the head unscramble the wires and just simply say you're not going to deal with this regardless of his answer because he essentially ran away like a coward...and I bet your @ss he will come back just to test you, don't be the weakling he takes you for because he knows he has a power over you...all these type of guys are like that, they're all the same. 4
HappyLove Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Something along the lines of... I can no longer go on living like this, the engagement is off and I wish you all the best in the future. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Something along the lines of... I can no longer go on living like this, the engagement is off and I wish you all the best in the future. This + "I will be removing my belongings from the flat on X Date." Who owns the flat, OP? Or is it a rental? You need to look into selling or getting out of your lease. 1
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 Dear expat we have separate flats. We basically lived together at his but by the time he left he was already moving his stuff into mine (furniture, clothing etc). The legal thing is serious. He dodged court at the end of January and got convicted in absentia (not a criminal issue). But that can be fixed or at least managed. I am a lawyer myself and I have seen worse messes. So unless he was seriously lying about the state of his case (too proud to let me get involved plus I am specialized on a different field) he is not in danger of getting arrested. One of the last communications I had with his mother was that he was terrified about the court and thinking of dodging it (of course his version was different - he did not return at said date because he was allegedly bullied by relatives to tend some more to his sick mother) I don't even know if he is back or still there.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You said it yourself: he's depressed & the rest of his life is spinning out of control. He lost his business, he lost his home, his mom is dying & he's being sued. Any one of those alone is a huge trigger for depression. All of them is like he's carrying the weight of the world. When he proposed he really wasn't in a mental place to get married. Even though marriage is generally considered a positive change, it's still a change & change can trigger depression. To add that on top of what he was already dealing with it's a wonder he could get out of bed. I can't tell you why he disappeared but I can tell you not to get married now or even start planning. Saving, yes, active planning no. Reach out. Tell him you love him & that you want a LONG engagement. Wait until at least the lawsuit is over before you take any concrete steps toward a future. 2
Emilia Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Dear expat we have separate flats. We basically lived together at his but by the time he left he was already moving his stuff into mine (furniture, clothing etc). The legal thing is serious. He dodged court at the end of January and got convicted in absentia (not a criminal issue). But that can be fixed or at least managed. I am a lawyer myself and I have seen worse messes. So unless he was seriously lying about the state of his case (too proud to let me get involved plus I am specialized on a different field) he is not in danger of getting arrested. One of the last communications I had with his mother was that he was terrified about the court and thinking of dodging it (of course his version was different - he did not return at said date because he was allegedly bullied by relatives to tend some more to his sick mother) I don't even know if he is back or still there. He is irresponsible and weak. Your original post is full of examples of his complete lack of resilience. In a way it doesn't matter that he has disappeared, he would have made a terrible life-long partner.
Author Juliette2 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 I kind of agree with both of you. There is no way I am going ahead with this marriage now. Getting married was his idea. I turned his first proposal down exactly because he had A LOT on his plate. I don't care about getting married I was happy just to be with him. And I know his life is falling apart I was there to witness the whole thing but he can't use depression as an excuse for being a lousy fiance. I am thinking I should give him the rest of the week, see if he contacts me first, see what he has to say for himself and if he doesn't I should immediately make arrangements for the exchange of our properties. On another note thank you everyone for taking time to help me out. I am obviously having a very difficult week. Emotions don't just switch off and I have shared my entire life with this man for the past three years, two of which I still consider the best of my life. 2
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Juliette, the best 2 years of your life up to now. Life is long and full of beautiful surprises you cannot imagine yet. 3
TB Rhine Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 To reiterate what someone else posted upthread - are you sure this guy is still alive? Or not in the hospital, or in a coma somewhere? To put it bluntly, the character of your reaction to all this says volumes about your feelings for this guy. Your reaction seems to be all. About. YOU. You haven't even expressed concern that he could be hurt or dying or getting wailed on by gangsters somewhere. The sense I'm getting is that maybe he's decided to permanently flee the country in order to escape his legal problems. If that's the case, even if you ARE able to get back in touch with him, you face the choice of having to permanently relocate yourself in order to be with him. Is that a step you're ready to take? Think about it.
Emilia Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 To put it bluntly, the character of your reaction to all this says volumes about your feelings for this guy. Your reaction seems to be all. About. YOU. You haven't even expressed concern that he could be hurt or dying or getting wailed on by gangsters somewhere. I think you've been reading a different thread...
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