Am I in love? and how do I proclaim my feelings whilst staying myself?

[lamaga]

Ok, so here we go. I have been in love before. Right?

I mean, I was in 3 meaningful relationships in the past 8 years. I think I was in love with those three guys, at least I said it and it came easy.

 

Now, one year after my most recent break up, I find myself 3 months into a new relationship, of which I can say it is building up more healthy than anything I have ever experienced before. He is doing things just right and even though it is hard for me to get used to the fact that he is not the romantic fool my past two boyfriends were, I truly enjoy his rationality and real-ness.

Lately I have been thinking... am I in love?

 

Of course there are people who say "When you know, you just know!"

But I think it's not that clear, really.

That's what I used to think.

I am turning 27 in two days and I wish I could consider myself a rational adult, but when it comes to emotions I am quite.. how do you say... mislead by previous relationships?

 

My first meaningful relationship which lasted 3,5 years was tough in the sense that I really fought for this guy... for at least a year, until he told me he loved me. When he was ready to commit (lived together talking marriage), I left him out of fear of commitment.

The next two relationships (each lasting ~1 year) were 'love at first sight' stories, we went nuts over each other immediately and talked of 'love forever' after a short time... romantic, but not sustainable. They both eventually left me out of fear of commitment.

 

This is different. We really were just dating until now, but things are getting quite serious and I wonder if what I feel is truly love.

It is different from past loves.

It isn't just excitement about having common dreams and interests. In fact, this guy is more different from me than anybody I have ever dated. Firstly he is 5 years younger. Then, we don't like the same things at all.

He is politically driven and loves economics and football and video games and he doesn't really read... and loves hip hop and wears the gold chain.

Never in the world would I have guessed that this guy and me were an actual MATCH. My exes were quite cultured and romantic and I thought back than that this was important, because, well, movies tell you this is what you should thrive for, right? But, of course, I too have learned that commonalities such as ground values, humour and political views will end up creating much stronger bonds than sharing cultural interests.

 

But here I am, day and night thinking of this guy who couldn't be more different than me.

I've never laughed so much... I've never had such meaningful conversations... I've never learned so much from a partner... I've never felt so sexy and beautiful...

 

EVERYTIME we kiss and I look into his eyes, I have this urge, to tell him, to burst out with emotions... since you know, this is what I am used to, I am used to BE ABLE to be romantic, and dreamy, and talk about feelings and getting romantic, dreamy responses... yet this guy is not much of a feelings-talker, and I wonder, will I be truly happy, not knowing if I need to hold back, or if I can still thrive on this romanticism that is deeply rooted in me, not knowing if there will be a positive response, if he will appreciate and share these emotions.

 

It's only been 3 months... but I could say... it's already been 3 months... We are neighbours and study together, so we see each other every day... we know each other very well by now and have stood by each other through some difficult moments, have opened up about family histories, have shared secrets and confided into each other. This is a relationship I consider to have so much potential.

 

Am I in love? I haven't felt better with anyone, ever. He is the smartest, most bright, most beautiful soul I have ever met - he is honest, loyal, kind and I know that he intends to make me happy.

 

So why can't I tell him that I love him?

He will probably take a long time to say those words, even though he might feel them too. Am I scared of a response, or lack thereof?

Should I open up more quickly? I am being slow, real slow.

To not scare him. To stay at his level of comfortability.

To not speed this up accidentally to a level at which we won't add up anymore.

I want to stay healthy with him.

But...

I feel the urge. To proclaim my love, or whatever it is that I feel.

Because my good friend P. always says "Time is what we don't have much of".

And there is something inside me that tells me that we are both in love, yet too afraid to speak out. And perhaps he wants to be completely sure first, because, well I was told, guys are that way.

 

I am confused and yet it seems so clear to me.

What do I do?

Wait?

Burst out?

Be rational?

Be irrational?

Tell him that I am falling in love?

[Philosoraptor]

Honestly I think you need to figure out yourself first. You had a relationship that you fought for but ended because he finally wanted to get serious, then jumped into lustful relationships that ended once the honeymoon was over.

 

Now you say you're in a relationship with an emotional mute and bursting out the seams with love? Sounds a bit like the first long relationship you had. Someone emotionally unavailable who you are unsure if you can be yourself around.

 

You seem very unsure of not your feelings, but of yourself. Relationships are not difficult, and you are over thinking this entirely. If you do not feel entirely comfortable doing what in your heart you want to do... there is an issue. And it either stems from inside or from the person you are with. Again, I emphasize, relationships are not hard. They can be a pain in the ass at times, but they're not hard. If you're not feeling comfortable then there is something you need to explore before taking any action on this love feeling you are having.

[lamaga]

Honestly I think you need to figure out yourself first. You had a relationship that you fought for but ended because he finally wanted to get serious, then jumped into lustful relationships that ended once the honeymoon was over.

 

Now you say you're in a relationship with an emotional mute and bursting out the seams with love? Sounds a bit like the first long relationship you had. Someone emotionally unavailable who you are unsure if you can be yourself around.

 

You seem very unsure of not your feelings, but of yourself. Relationships are not difficult, and you are over thinking this entirely. If you do not feel entirely comfortable doing what in your heart you want to do... there is an issue. And it either stems from inside or from the person you are with. Again, I emphasize, relationships are not hard. They can be a pain in the ass at times, but they're not hard. If you're not feeling comfortable then there is something you need to explore before taking any action on this love feeling you are having.

 

 

 

Mhh no, I disagree with you here. Maybe you think this way because the way I described my previous relationships; because you are generalising them completely without knowing the whole story.

 

This relationship is far from my first serious one. The first serious one was an abusive relationship which I fled from when it got very scary.

And I also disagree with the fact that "relationships are not complicated", well, if two complicated people get together, the relationship will be everything but easy.

 

I believe my boyfriend is a very uncomplicated person, and I am a complicated person. Doesn't mean I have previous issues or issues with myself that I need to figure out first before I can be with him.. some people just have more of an emotional heart than others, and who says those two kinds of people can't be together? I will always be an emotional person, I have been since I was a child, and that has nothing to do with my previous relationships whatsoever.

 

I am sure of my feelings for this guy, the way I feel for him I am actually DOUBTING the love I felt in the past for other people. I thought I loved these guys in the past, but perhaps that wasn't real love.

And now I am experiencing how love should be.

That's another generalised statement, but to be honest, I really think that this is a love I should embrace.

I am simply asking for advice as to how I should pursue my voicing of this love for him, to him!

 

I expected there will be people who will rip apart my post and tell me I need to figure myself out first, but I am used to that on ls.

I am sure of who I am, thank you. I have issues, but am aware of them and dealing with them, just like everybody, yet these issues are not hindering me in pursuing this relationship, they are of other natures.

 

So, I am welcome to additional advice, and I hope to have clarified my position a bit here...

[clia]

I feel like you are always looking at the next step, trying to push the relationship along, and not stopping to enjoy what you have right now or to let things develop organically. Your posting history is always looking ahead. Are we exclusive? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Now it's whether you love him.

 

Just go with the flow and stop worrying so much about it and trying to define what you are feeling. You are only three months into the relationship and your boyfriend is young.

 

I think you should be very cautious about saying "I love you" to him first, given his past reluctance to put a label on your relationship and his age. Wait for him to get there. There is no need for you to say it yet.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with clia. You keep posting these Jane Austen-like novels about your relationships. My gawd can you ever let anything just be. And do you have a life of your own apart from boys.

 

To answer your question, don't think about "proclaiming your love" right now, it's only been 3 months and he was hesistant about "putting labels" anyway.

[BradJacobs]

I am confused and yet it seems so clear to me.

What do I do?

Wait?

Burst out?

Be rational?

Be irrational?

Tell him that I am falling in love?

You do what feels right.

 

If it is meant to work out then he will accept this about you even if he doesn't understand it.

[mammasita]

I agree with Clia - and goodness if I couldn't have written your post myself.

 

I'm feeling very similar things right now but I'm waiting. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode or that I just can't hold it in but I do and I sit back and enjoy the moments. Its great and organic.

[lamaga]

I agree with clia. You keep posting these Jane Austen-like novels about your relationships. My gawd can you ever let anything just be. And do you have a life of your own apart from boys.

 

To answer your question, don't think about "proclaiming your love" right now, it's only been 3 months and he was hesistant about "putting labels" anyway.

 

 

Well I agree, I should let things be, and often I can with him, which is why I enjoy this relationship so much, it is very natural how things are happening. But it is because I am new to this that I am wondering at what point certain things are supposed to be happening.

 

And yes, I do have a life apart from boys, that's a quite rude assumption to make, and I am not sure why anyone would make such a comment on a relationship advice forum - that's why I am here. i won't post about my non-relationship life, that has no space here.

[lamaga]

I feel like you are always looking at the next step, trying to push the relationship along, and not stopping to enjoy what you have right now or to let things develop organically. Your posting history is always looking ahead. Are we exclusive? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Now it's whether you love him.

 

Just go with the flow and stop worrying so much about it and trying to define what you are feeling. You are only three months into the relationship and your boyfriend is young.

 

I think you should be very cautious about saying "I love you" to him first, given his past reluctance to put a label on your relationship and his age. Wait for him to get there. There is no need for you to say it yet.

 

I feel similarly. I want him to say it first.

The problem I have is that I am not sure how 'organic' things truly are.

Is 3 months little? Is it a lot? Is it normal I feel this strongly?

Should we be farther along with our interaction or are we just right?

These are the things I wonder. and this is why it seems as if I am always planning ahead. This really seems to be a problem of mine, I should realise that more often, whenever I am doing that in my head...

[FitChick]

Well I agree, I should let things be, and often I can with him, which is why I enjoy this relationship so much, it is very natural how things are happening. But it is because I am new to this that I am wondering at what point certain things are supposed to be happening.

We are not all robots programmed to do certain things according to a timetable. I agree with everyone else. You need to get a grip and enjoy your life and relationship and let things grow organically. Otherwise I predict you will sabotage.

[lamaga]

We are not all robots programmed to do certain things according to a timetable. I agree with everyone else. You need to get a grip and enjoy your life and relationship and let things grow organically. Otherwise I predict you will sabotage.

 

Why would I sabotage just because I want to tell him how I truly feel?

SO I am not allowed to be myself?

[nadinefleur]

Why would I sabotage just because I want to tell him how I truly feel?

SO I am not allowed to be myself?

 

One thing I've learnt is that you should let men initiate these first steps, otherwise you face the risk of scaring him off.

 

I agree with you and believe we should be ourselves, but at the same time men are wired differently to us and they scared off very easily.

 

If I were you I would wait for him to say it first, when you are with him and you feel like you are about to explode, just say to it yourself in your head pretending you are telling him, and then you won't obsess about it so much.

[lamaga]

One thing I've learnt is that you should let men initiate these first steps, otherwise you face the risk of scaring him off.

 

I agree with you and believe we should be ourselves, but at the same time men are wired differently to us and they scared off very easily.

 

If I were you I would wait for him to say it first, when you are with him and you feel like you are about to explode, just say to it yourself in your head pretending you are telling him, and then you won't obsess about it so much.

 

Yeah, that's me every day when we kiss or sleep together.

it is my birthday today - he actually baked me a gluten free cake (i am intolerant) and schemed together with my roommate to sing happy birthday in italian to me at midnight. i was very much amazed by it. i am so happy and i wish i could just tell him how much all of that means to me, but i keep holding back...

[happywithlife]

There are plenty of ways to let someone know you appreciate them without bursting out shouting "I love you and want to spend the test of my life with you." He just showed you how much he appreciates you and thinks about you by baking you a special cake and singing to you. Let him know how you feel, but be rational. "Thank you so muh for the cake Sweetie. The fact that you put this mich thought and time into my brithday surprise means a lot to me. I love how thoughtful your are." Or something similar tells him you like what he did and appreciate him.