Walking Away From A Great Thing

[exileonmainstreet]

Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster. I apologize if my first post comes across as lengthy, but I'm sure you realize that few situations are quick and simple to describe.

 

I am 25 years old. I have been with my lovely girlfriend for almost 3 years, and we've done it all together. We have been friends for 7 seven years, dated, drifted apart, came back together, been inseparable since. She has not had great luck dating, and I have always been on the shy side of successful. She is my best friend, the one who makes me laugh and who is always there to comfort me in tough times. I have been fighting a battle with myself for the past half year though, and I'm not sure where to turn.

 

While I was in college, I worked my buns off. Working full time plus and engineering school was tough, but I succeeded. I let my social life wane though, and we started dating immediately after I graduated. Things have been mostly great! We are inseparable, for better or for worse.

 

We lived apart, together, and apart again, all for differing financial reasons. I have been financially supportive at times, though not necessarily happily, I did it because I could not envision a future with anyone else. She is very supportive of me and my wild machinations. She is highly devoted, and very intelligent. I appreciate that she is so open to learning, and loves to make me laugh.

 

But I feel torn, because I feel...resentful, perhaps? I feel like one major thing I have not accomplished in my life is to be charming and personable. I want to work to be able to be someone who can walk into a room and light up a crowd. But often, I feel constrained by her jealousy. She has acted very jealous in the past, and insists she is working on it. If I try to act pleasant to other women, not flirting, but friendly, she gets mad at me. I feel like I am not allowed to be as outgoing as I would like. She is very protective of me, and is always convinced that she is losing me. I don't want to walk away from someone so great, but I feel like that I am not becoming some one I want to be.

 

Am I being immature for considering ending a great relationship because of this one little wriggle? Will my phase to be social with all sorts of people just pass as I age, or will I always ache for something more? I have run over this so much in my head, I fear that I have left so many important things out. If I have, please let me know so I can tell the whole story and get the best advice possible.

[TheyCallMeOx]

If you feel that she's essentially holding you back from being your full potential, then she's being a burden on your life. If you're striving to better yourself and feel like she's holding you back from doing so, then the ultimate question you have to ask yourself is: am I willing to sacrifice this goal of mine to accommodate my girlfriend?

 

A large part of the relationship is making sacrifices for each other, so you really have to look at it as a team effort kind of thing. If you feel like you two have a great relationship, you both do a lot of things for each other, you both support each other to the best of your abilities, then you both should be willing to have an intelligent and mature conversation about the goals that you have and how it makes you feel when she tries to interfere with those goals.

 

An ideal partnership is when you both have goals, and you both help each other get to achieve those goals even if you may not agree with them. If you don't agree with certain goals and try to manipulate the person into NOT achieving those goals, then that is a classic example of an incompatibility issue. If I get a girlfriend and she wants to become a stripper when I don't think I'd like to date a stripper, I wouldn't want to hold her back. The bottom line is that you really don't want to accommodate a partner because the reality is that the relationship may not work out. What goes around doesn't always come around. It's always best to try and talk it out with your partner and come to some kind of compromise. At the end of the day, if she doesn't want you achieving your goals and you feel like you're not willing to sacrifice those dreams for her, then it's best if you find someone else. The reality of relationships is that you can have 99 reasons to stay with someone, but all it takes is 1 reason to leave them. It's unfortunate sometimes, but that's just the way that **** goes.

 

If you're not married, then you're not as chained. It's never too late to back out just because you recognize big issues that are not willing to be settled. After you have did your best to try and compromise with her, and things still don't work out, then you have no obligation to stay with her. If you love her, you'll at least try to work around your goals to make both you and her happy, but if you can't come up with a logical plan that'll only make her happy...that's unhealthy, and I would start doubting the future of the relationship. The reality is that you may accommodate her feelings and pretend you're okay with giving up certain goals, but if you are truly not okay with that...you need to speak up now, or else it's gonna slowly build up until you realize that "you haven't been yourself" for X amount of years, and feel like you were staying in the relationship in hopes that things would just magically get better.

Edited February 19, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[Poppygoodwill]

A long relationship must accommodate the changes in our goals and activities and personalities over time, otherwise it won't last.

 

Given all the good between you, how supportive you have been of one another, I would say that this can be accomplished within your relationship....but you'll have to work together to change the dynamic between you to make it happen.

 

She will have to deal with her jealousy and/or learn to express it in such a way that doesn't constantly put the cold water on you trying to do something new. She'll have to respect your need and desire to change and grow, and not put her own fears ahead of your self-improvement.

 

AT the same time, you'll have to make your changes and explore this new ground in a measured way that won't trigger her unnecessarily, in ways that are respectful and sensitive to her fears.

 

This takes time, consideration and communication. It starts with communication.

[SleeplessIn]

You said: "I feel like one major thing I have not accomplished in my life is to be charming and personable. I want to work to be able to be someone who can walk into a room and light up a crowd. But often, I feel constrained by her jealousy. She has acted very jealous in the past, and insists she is working on it. If I try to act pleasant to other women, not flirting, but friendly, she gets mad at me. I feel like I am not allowed to be as outgoing as I would like."

 

How do you mean you'd like to "walk into a room and light up a crowd"? Do you mean that you want to have that effect on other people when attending a party, for instance? Then you specifically refer to your girlfriend's jealousy when you try to act pleasant to other women -- what is the context of this, is it at work, during social occasions you both attend, in the supermarket, or what?

 

Generally speaking, even the most personable of people don't "light up a crowd" unless they are entertainers, speakers, and such, so it's not very clear what you are looking for ... can you give us a little more information?

 

On the other hand, if you are particularly going out of your way to become personable by being charming to other women while not practicing it so much with men you meet/know, your girlfriend might have a point and wonder why you are putting focus on women in this way.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like you're saying what a lot of guys your age are saying..."I love my GF, and she's probably everything I want on paper...but I just haven't come into my own yet"...or some basic variation of that.

 

You see, men take a while longer to get the ball rolling and establish themselves as men..you need time to develop that charm, charisma, out-going personality and be comfortable enough in yourself to get the kind of response from people you are looking for and you'd probably like to have been able to "play the field" a little bit (nothing serious) while feeling that way, comfortable in your own skin.

 

A lot of guys go through women that are loving and supporting unfortunately to get there, and because that tends to take a while for men to "reach their full potential" in the world and dating world especially, you feel a little dragged down by the relationship...because what was good, comforting, supportive and loving at first, is becoming more of a hindering and restricting almost constricting type relationship and as with most women they're looking for even more commitment as the relationship continues on, I mean that's why most date men in the first place where as men are kind neither here nor there when they're young especially.

 

You're not at that point yet where you are ready to shift it into a committed territory like marriage, settling down and all of that at 25, trust me...it doesn't mean you can't or won't try and force it even though you know you're not ready because A LOT of guys do that as well under the pressure and the guilty/feeling like they'd be losing something they don't necessarily want to lose in order to be this "guy" or man they envision themselves becoming...after all, at the age you are at, there's a still a lot to learn and experience...especially with women, I think because of your limited experienced it's going to hurt you a lot, and you will definitely get the grass-is-greener syndrome as you get older, more confident...the thing is men seem to be more successful with women than without from what I've seen, as they tend to push/support men in their professional endeavors...however, that can backfire because when a man reaches that "pinnacle" or prime, that's when he feels the most powerful and starts to get the wandering eye, especially if you were kind of a doofus but now got yourself put together.

 

I've seen it all with men, just depends which shade of grey you are to me, there's the guys that commit young, the guys that are smitten by their first loves, the guys that are players and never truly commit and on and on...but you seem like the guy who's headed towards the territory of wanting to spread your wings while in a relationship, and you're going to dance on that line cause you're still trying to spread your wings and then you're going to find yourself in trouble.

 

As for her insecurities, that's just her personal issue...trust me, was there before you, will be there after you if that was to happen...however she would be justified in her fears if she understood men better, however that's why she's acting out, she's just got issues, might have had a rough road with men, been far too trusting, stayed way too long...the typical stuff, and then that has likely made her feel even more insecure and anxious in a relationship...which she needs to fix.

 

So my prediction is that you're not ready, you will mess up at some point. She is justified in her fears by coincidence but they are fears for her for completely different emotional reasons, and if you actually move in together and had to establish a real and committed relationship it would be a disaster.

 

Plus you were a back-up option because she's had such a rough road with men and since you were shy, probably in-love with her from the beginning and inexperienced, that you were a safe bet, but as you catch up to the other more confident men around you, you're going to have to learn the hard way once you see yourself have opportunities, which at 25 that's not your glory days yet. It's best you leave an become single for what you want, the problem is I doubt you'll have the same confidence level for a guy with a history like yours without any experience...you'll revert to feeling insecure as she instills confidence in you.

[lucy_in_disguise]

How much of your desire to be "charming and personable" involves charming other women into bed?

 

I would guess that is at least part of it. I don't blame you, that's an experience many want/ need, but you also gotta understand where your gf is coming from. Her jealousy is probably warranted.

 

I would let her go for now to focus on my personal growth. You may have a great thing but timing is crucial, and at this point, it doesn't sound like you're ready to commit.

[exileonmainstreet]

You said: "I feel like one major thing I have not accomplished in my life is to be charming and personable. I want to work to be able to be someone who can walk into a room and light up a crowd. But often, I feel constrained by her jealousy. She has acted very jealous in the past, and insists she is working on it. If I try to act pleasant to other women, not flirting, but friendly, she gets mad at me. I feel like I am not allowed to be as outgoing as I would like."

 

How do you mean you'd like to "walk into a room and light up a crowd"? Do you mean that you want to have that effect on other people when attending a party, for instance? Then you specifically refer to your girlfriend's jealousy when you try to act pleasant to other women -- what is the context of this, is it at work, during social occasions you both attend, in the supermarket, or what?

 

Generally speaking, even the most personable of people don't "light up a crowd" unless they are entertainers, speakers, and such, so it's not very clear what you are looking for ... can you give us a little more information?

 

On the other hand, if you are particularly going out of your way to become personable by being charming to other women while not practicing it so much with men you meet/know, your girlfriend might have a point and wonder why you are putting focus on women in this way.

 

A good example of what I meant is one time, we were at a science museum. There was an exhibit where there was a row of binoculars pointed a star, and you could see the different wavelengths of light. However, it wasn't working for me, and the girl (who was with her boyfriend) standing at the binoculars next to us, asked me if I could see anything. I said no, but maybe that's because I was blinded by staring at the sun. I shrugged, and we walked away. Later, she confronted me and almost cried about how she couldn't believe that I was flirting with other women in front of her. She wouldn't let it go for hours that day, while we on vacation no less.

 

This behavior comes and goes. Some days its very apparent, some days its not. I have a hard time understanding my boundaries in the relationship, I suppose.

[exileonmainstreet]

...the thing is men seem to be more successful with women than without from what I've seen, as they tend to push/support men in their professional endeavors...however, that can backfire because when a man reaches that "pinnacle" or prime, that's when he feels the most powerful and starts to get the wandering eye, especially if you were kind of a doofus but now got yourself put together.

 

...

 

It's best you leave an become single for what you want, the problem is I doubt you'll have the same confidence level for a guy with a history like yours without any experience...you'll revert to feeling insecure as she instills confidence in you.

 

I do fear that my desire to be a more social creature is predicated by the confidence I gain from her. I don't know if that feeling is temporary due to feeling held back, or if it's just simply how I'm growing as a person.