Why is moving on from a married person harder than a single person?

[LilGirlandOW]

I agree with no closure as well as suffering in silence after such an intense relationship.

 

 

Also sometime the fact that MM is choosing another woman(BS) over you after sometimes years of you thinking your his true love and shes a technicality/roommate. And possibly that a lot of times after a normal breakup you can still have casual conversation/exchange of property occur, where generally an A ends with some kind of no contact leaving usually a ton of unfinished business.

[TaylorLane]

I agree with that it is not a normal relationship, where each person gives their ALL and if it doesn't work, you know the outcome.

 

 

In the A bubble, There are no real obligations, life responsibilities, or certain circumstances that are involved in a normal relationship that could cause friction or weigh down the relationship.

 

 

Also, the lack of your friends being your support group. I tend to surround myself with my good friends through any hard patch I hit and they have served as somewhat of a rock so I can make it out of the other side.

 

 

Even though they know, I just don't see getting that much time from them for this one. lol

[inappfriendly]

Purple, I ask myself the same question every single day. Even after almost 6 months of NC. Clarity comes and goes in waves. As do the emotions. Some nights, like tonight, I just sob in hopes the tears will wash it all away. What I struggle with the most are thoughts of him with his W. The woman he claimed to resent, even despise, yet the woman he chose over me. My rational head knows it is where he belongs and that his words about her meant nothing. But what about his words to me? Did they mean nothing either?

Everyone who posted thusfar is right on par in terms of closure and unfinished business. It all makes SENSE but does it make it any easier? I sincerely wish I knew...

Hugs to you.

[Zebra Queen]

A single person has more time to spend on you, therefore you can get to know all of them, truly have the experience of being with them, the true ups and downs of a relationship. This realism can work to strengthen or end a relationship.

 

Also, since people are often by nature competitive, on some level someone who is taken has already been vetted as a good partner, someone who would be good to have a meaningful relationship with, if only they could be free. (Of course, many MM and MW are cake eaters who would prefer to have both).

[WakingUp]

I was thinking about this a lot today.

 

 

I believe that to most people being in an affair feels wrong.

 

 

When it ends, you have to battle with the fact that you did something pretty reprehensible. That you went against your better judgement, put up with some pretty shabby treatment and voluntarily participated in hurting another person.

 

 

So somehow, it feels as though you invested more than you would with a single person. Because you have sacrificed your dignity. And it is very hard to justify your actions, to realise that it was never ever worth it.

 

 

Because somehow it seemed to be worth it at the time.

 

 

It is very hard to look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about yourself after an affair.

 

 

I think that is what makes it so much harder. It is for me, anyway.

[PurpleCardigan]

It all makes SENSE but does it make it any easier? I sincerely wish I knew...

 

Inappfriendly...I agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote, especially the above quote. I get it intellectually but sometimes my emotions lag behind, thankfully the bad days are much fewer and I'm moving on thanks to the wise guidance of my counselor.

 

Hugs to you, too, to make it through tonight and every night the tears come. Sing something new...a happy song that makes you dance

[Fluttershy]

For me experiencing the raw end of being betrayed while in a happy marriage I know I could never cheat. I just couldn't justify causing hurt and pain to someone, even a faceless entity. I don't know the answer to these questions, that is my disclaimer, but as I can put myself in others shoes (doesn't mean I agree with them) and realize without having been truly devastated by infidelity you can't fully grasp it. As I haven't been left or broke up with a MM I realize I can't grasp fully what it is like. And I won't pretend to. But I do know self inflicted pain can be terrible to deal with.

 

What I would imagine is that there is no one answer. But what has stuck out to me is in relationships. any relationship where there is strong feelings on both sides is hard to move on from when it ends. So if it was a case of a DDAY or the WS initiating NC or the AP doing so unlike a break up where one person is done with the relationship there is still a feeling of attachment or love still there. specially in the case of a DDAY or if the WS breaks up with the words "not right now" or "maybe one day". I know those words in a regular relationship can make letting go hard. So if the MP keeps breaking contact or responding the AP who does they just keep giving hope. And as long as there is hope it is hard to move on.

 

For others it may be a control thing if they feel the BS ended the relationship. They didn't have a choice and they want the relationship ending to be there choice. Though I think this is more common with the married person.

 

And for a few it might be a competitive thing. Specially if they didn't initiate NC. Some people are really competitive and don't like to lose. These people can be WS, AP or BS. And if in the triangle all three are competitive.... YIKES!

[WasOtherWoman]

I was thinking about this a lot today.

 

 

I believe that to most people being in an affair feels wrong.

 

 

When it ends, you have to battle with the fact that you did something pretty reprehensible. That you went against your better judgement, put up with some pretty shabby treatment and voluntarily participated in hurting another person.

 

 

So somehow, it feels as though you invested more than you would with a single person. Because you have sacrificed your dignity. And it is very hard to justify your actions, to realise that it was never ever worth it.

 

 

Because somehow it seemed to be worth it at the time.

 

 

It is very hard to look at yourself in the mirror and feel good about yourself after an affair.

 

 

I think that is what makes it so much harder. It is for me, anyway.

 

I think that there is a lot of truth to this. Most folks, after the ending of an affair are processing two things 1) the loss of a relationship that, if was conducted along the path of most affairs, never seemed to provide enough time together anyway and 2) the realization that they engaged in behavior that they might normally believe to be "wrong" and it was for "nothing" (i.e. the affair ended anyway)