razzmazz Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I am a 34 year old man, married for the last 8 years. The first 4-5 years of our marriage i never cheated. We lost 2 babies - first was an intentional adoption and the second was born premature and died in 3 days after birth. Post these events our sex life plunged and we lost the sexual connection. I met someone at work and fell for her - she had a steady boy friend too (now husband). Things were complicated oscillating from a sexual realtionship to a close emotional relationship. It broke off completely in about year and a half - her decision to focus on her boy friend. After that i have been in 3 further relationships - 2 were single women and i ended it with them and am now currenlty involved again with a girl who is in a committed relationship with another man.Again i dont know what i want from this - been in this for 3 months now. I fall in love too easily - that is the real issue. And the love is addictive and obsesesive. I long for the messages, the ego highs, the feeling of care and warmth and ofcourse the sex. During the course of these affairs things with my wife are not bad - we laugh and share and care a lot for each other. The sex has gone though - but she does not complain. I want to stop this and get out of this vicious cycle. But dont know how everytime one affair gets over I seem to get into another one. Seem to be addicted to falling in love. Need help because these obsesive relationships with girls who are not mine and who are probably using me for the attention and sex is not healthy and frankly a waste of time and energy. I do realise this but not able to stop myself. All comments are welcome - am aware that there will be some uncharitable insults coming my way.
Clay Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I think the first thing you need to do is get into counseling. I think the next thing I would do is end all the relationships you are in. You need to learn how to be happy being single before you can really offer someone a good since relationship. Clay 2
tired girl Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I am going to agree with Clay here. Why have you not gone to counseling and looked inward to see why you need the constant validation and ego stroking to feel good. Life is not like this. If things are truly dead between you and your wife then let her go and move on and fix yourself. 2
Spark1111 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You are an ADDICT in that you are addicted to Limerance....the first stage of falling in love; it's heady, high, exciting and hits the same region of the brain as cocaine does. It lasts about 1 to 2 years. It makes for sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, obsessive thoughts and produces euphoria....which clouds thought, judgement, and rational thinking. It takes sex off the charts. You may or may not be a sex addict. Only a professional can diagnose. BUT you may just be very immature if you equate Limerance (and lust) with mature love. educate yourself man! the more you GIVE and do for your wife, the more in love you will feel. Long term love feels more like heroin....it affects another part of the brain and releases oxytocin (heroin-like). You feel safe, secure, calm, and yes, less sexual but a deeper sense of love, safety and commitment. get to IC. if you can't stop your quest for limerance, set your wife free! She DESERVES a man who cherishes, sexually ravishes, desires and wants ONLY HER. can you handle that? A seemingly good woman who is a sexual animal with another man? because he can unlock that within her while you cannot? 3
compulsivedancer Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I feel so bad for her. She was sick and depressed and lost her sexual drive and so you stepped out. When I had my miscarriage, it took me about a year to really recover. It happened in March and I literally sat on the couch every day all day for most of the summer. And I wasn't quite to the end of my first trimester when it happened. It's been years, but I still cry sometimes. The loss of a baby is one of the hardest things many women go through. And to lose one at birth, especially after an abortion - the guilt and pain she must have been feeling! I felt guilty. I felt like I was being punished for something. And there was literally nothing I could have done about the miscarriage. Up until DDay, my miscarriage was the hardest thing I ever experienced. I lost all my hopes and dreams that day. Even though I was able to make new hopes and dreams later, the ones I had up until then were all gone. It's been almost 5 years and I can't write it without crying. What can you do? I agree with the others. You ran from your sick wife and troubles at home into an addiction. It's time to speak to a counselor, address your issues, and ask the counselor to help you talk to your wife. She may not choose to stay with you, but she deserves to have the chance to know the truth about her own life, and make the decision for herself. 2
EverySunset Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I admire you standing up and wanting to stop what you know is not admirable behavior. I won't throw stones... I can't. But I can tell you that you are IMHO using affairs as an emotional outlet to avoid feeling the pain of what you would otherwise have to face. You are not emotionally healing from some very sad, and real life altering events with the one person you need to be... your wife. The other person feeling these hurts. I know you will knee-jerk and say yes, you have, you are. It is natural to be defensive in situations like these. But if you want to effect real change, real life progress, you have to take an honest look at your whole situation, not just yours. Truly stop and consider your wife. She is your life partner. She suffered the same sad losses. And now is the time to rebuild, with her. Start tonight. Make a commitment to her, and to your marriage. Let it stand on its own merits as a marriage of two people, and nuture it like anything else you love. Pour all that attention you've been feeding affair partners into HER. And you will see improvement. You will feel a sense of renewed connection. Or you won't, no matter what you try (and don't you give up without a real fight!) and thats when you'll know it can't be saved. OR, that you need her to rebuild in an earnest way with you, with the help of a counselor. This is the one instance I would say perhaps not tell her, because a woman who has held herself up through these kinds of losses would be DEVASTATED to see what has happened to her marriage and life partner while she was broken. This many losses and betrayals... my God, it's just too much :-( If you want to save this, you probably still can. But don't "try". DO. And give 200%. That lovely woman deserves no less. Be the man she thinks you are, and you'll start to deserve the way she loves you. (I hope none of this has come off as harsh, I have NOT meant it that way and have taken care with how I responded to encourage you to step up. You started the journey by recognizing the problems. Now you have to keep walking forward, without looking back) 2
chelsea2011 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Perhaps you can start with stop using people for your own personal gratification. It's harsh, but true. Who are you really? Why do you think it is okay to stomp all over someone else's heart to satisfy your own needs? It's selfish. Time to stop lying and grow up for goodness sake. People are not put in this world for you to pee all over.
Author razzmazz Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 You are an ADDICT in that you are addicted to Limerance....the first stage of falling in love; it's heady, high, exciting and hits the same region of the brain as cocaine does. It lasts about 1 to 2 years. It makes for sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, obsessive thoughts and produces euphoria....which clouds thought, judgement, and rational thinking. It takes sex off the charts. You may or may not be a sex addict. Only a professional can diagnose. BUT you may just be very immature if you equate Limerance (and lust) with mature love. educate yourself man! the more you GIVE and do for your wife, the more in love you will feel. Long term love feels more like heroin....it affects another part of the brain and releases oxytocin (heroin-like). You feel safe, secure, calm, and yes, less sexual but a deeper sense of love, safety and commitment. get to IC. if you can't stop your quest for limerance, set your wife free! She DESERVES a man who cherishes, sexually ravishes, desires and wants ONLY HER. can you handle that? A seemingly good woman who is a sexual animal with another man? because he can unlock that within her while you cannot? Thank you for this frank and analytical response. You are right its all about the hormones. It cant be about the woman because i felt the same with all of them - so surely its not that they were all "the one". I will try my best to get out of this addiction. I have fixed an appointment with a pschologist and look forward to seeing how that can help me. On my end - first action is to end my current affair. Wont be easy - as she works in my office and i need to see her often. 1
experiencethedevine Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 As has been mentioned here and alluded to by sparks, you are in need of counsel and investigation into your behaviours. You would be wise to discontinue your enabling school of thought. You cannot be subject to effective therapy while you are not fully committed to investigating your own behaviours. You cannot afford to 'try your best' and 'see' whether therapy will help you. With this attitude it will likely be unsuccessful and you will be recycling old patterns. Dopamine levels in your brain are increased in response to a consistent need for the 'high' of your affairs. This is a cycle that cannot be broken without expert guidance. I would almost certainly say that your behaviour is a reaction to the stress levels involved in your unfortunate life changing events. Do your wife a good service. Seek appropriate therapy and ask for her help if you have any respect for her and your marriage. I wish you a healthier future. Good luck. 1
Just_AGuy Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I fall in love too easily - that is the real issue. And the love is addictive and obsesesive. I long for the messages, the ego highs, the feeling of care and warmth and ofcourse the sex. You have the answer. It's addiction. Addiction is a habbit that destroys your life (unfortunately this one damages lifes of people around you). So look at it as you would look at drugs or alcohol addiction. 2
janedoe67 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I wrote you a long post that disappeared when your thread moved here. Basically, a change in you will have to come from the inside out, and it will have to be consistent over time. Also, complete honesty and openness is really necessary for any kind of REAL change - that means coming clean about ALL of it. 2
stillafool Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I'm really curious as to why you haven't filed for divorce from your wife so you can be free to date as many women as you desire? Why don't you be honest with your wife so she can be free to be with a man who will not disrespect her and cheat? Can you tell me why this was not an option? 1
Author razzmazz Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I'm really curious as to why you haven't filed for divorce from your wife so you can be free to date as many women as you desire? Why don't you be honest with your wife so she can be free to be with a man who will not disrespect her and cheat? Can you tell me why this was not an option? It is not an option because i cant hurt her. I always feel that it is matter of time when i stop cheating and become loyal again. there have been so many times on the couch or on the bed i have felt to just kiss her and touch her sexually and feel the love again but never able to do it. I know its just that 1 corner to turn to feel the bond and physical love again and then i dont need all these other women. Even though i have been a serial cheater would like to say i have never been with more than 1 woman at a time. I like to be focused and in connect with 1 woman only. Anyways this evening i am going out with the OW and hope to break it off for good tonight. Really hope I stick to it this time. Really do. I need this in my life - very badly. I know none of yall believe this but i suffer the most - because i am just looking for love thats all - someone who is for me - who makes me feel special. Just one last piece of information that probably makes me sound even crazier - have noticed as i have begun cheating i have had erection issues too - checked with docs - physically its all ok - apparently only a problem of anxiety. Guess there is a god up ther after all - punishing me and settling the scores!
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Maybe you should tell her, and let HER decide if she wants to stay with you ? I do not believe she should have to remain in the dark whilst you figure your *hit out. Cheating isn't just about the physical act, it is about keeping another person under the guise of lies. She thinks you are faithful. You aren't. Taking away her choice is another very selfish act because you want to keep her. That is her decision, not yours. 2
Pastypop Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 When I was under the spell of limerace, I got 3 certifications, got a nice promotion, lost 30 pounds, ended bad relationships with family members, stopped being angry all the time and still had extra energy to raise the kids. I had never felt so much energy or positivity ever. If the drug companies could bottle limerace in a pill format, the world would be a happier place. After limerace was gone from my life, I tried to keep the positivity up but once limerace is gone, it's gone. Now, I'm lonely again, in job I despise, bored and fat again. Just in a holding pattern until change finds me again. But on a good note, I'm not hiding anything, lying, being deceitful or untrustworthy. I don't have to be ashamed of any bad behavior or worried about getting caught. It's a boring life but much easier. If you are tired of cheating, just quit doing it. That all it takes. 2
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I know none of yall believe this but i suffer the most - because i am just looking for love thats all - someone who is for me - who makes me feel special. I think this says it all. Wow. "Looking for love?" What you are doing to your wife, and to the other women is NOT love. Think about it. 4
darkmoon Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 utterly unkind to tell your wife, poor girl, your life will never be the same, the fizz would be over for anyone man or woman who was told that, just let this go, do something else, no need to be unkind to her, perhaps she needs the gym
kalimata Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Razzmazz: As a BH, I appreciate you taking the time to post here and share your side of the story. Being loved and wanting to love is a deep and profound human emotion. But with this you must realize that destroying people's lives and other familes is simply not right. It seems you have destroyed or in the process of destroying 2 families and 2 single women. How much longer will it take before you wake up? The feelings that you have are exactly the same that addicts have when trying to withdraw from their own addiction. These feelings will not go away unless you stop cold-turkey and are shown the brutal cold hard truth. If you want these feelings to stop, then there is one simple solution: BEG YOUR WIFE FOR FORGIVENESS and tell her the truth about your infidelity for the last 8 years!!!!!! 2
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 utterly unkind to tell your wife, poor girl, your life will never be the same, the fizz would be over for anyone man or woman who was told that, just let this go, do something else, no need to be unkind to her, perhaps she needs the gym Firstly, her life is a LIE. She should be able to choose if she wants to stay with someone who is screwing around, maybe she will be happier in the end. The gym is a good idea for everyone, but not in lieu of living with someone who doesn't really love you. She should be free to leave if she chooses, and to find someone faithful and worthy. 2
lm349 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I actually think it is a good first step you have taken to realize you need to get to a healthier place. I have read that people who cheat are often looking for things they didn't get in childhood and possibly are not getting in their marriage. You haven't said much about your wife and how you two are together. Is she good to you? Would she have sex with you if you wanted? Do you think she is truly happy in your marriage?
carhill Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 OP, welcome to LS You mentioned that the first 4-5 years of your M you 'never cheated'. Can you expand on that statement? Would you state that infidelity didn't interest you during that period?...or, did it interest you and you chose to not participate? ... or, ??? How would you characterize the marital foundation, from prior to getting married to when you engaged in your first affair? Do you think the foundation was solid? Worked as a team? Resolved disagreements well? Etc, etc. As you apparently have had two workplace affairs, and one apparently is continuing, how do you feel about making a job change to 'cut the cord' from the current dynamic, as part of your commitment to change from being a 'serial cheater'? If there is a monetary/benefit hit, how do you balance that against your current path in life? Generally, and especially in cases of serial infidelity, no contact (NC) is elemental to 'breaking the cycle'. One of you has to go. Now, if you own the place you can fire the worker and take that financial/business hit. If you don't, get transferred or move to another job. As a fMM, we worked responsibility during the MC process. What's your responsibility to your spouse and family? To yourself? We also worked the process of putting ourselves in each other's 'shoes'. Imagine your wife posting this thread, verbatim. How would you feel about that? Then, respecting those feelings, hold the mirror up and take a good look. That's reality. Good luck. 2
darkmoon Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) Firstly, her life is a LIE. She should be able to choose if she wants to stay with someone who is screwing around, maybe she will be happier in the end. The gym is a good idea for everyone, but not in lieu of living with someone who doesn't really love you. She should be free to leave if she chooses, and to find someone faithful and worthy. be tactful, for pity's sake, srsly, pity, just be gentle not hurt people's feelings, use tact for pity's sake, pity Edited February 20, 2014 by darkmoon
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Who knows? She might CHOOSE to stay...or she might CHOOSE to leave. The key word is that she would have a CHOICE if she weren't lied to ! Telling him to spare her the truth and PERHAPS joining a gym will fix everything? I do not think her physical fitness is the issue here. She is married to a man who is screwing lots of women, unbeknownst to her. 1
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 be tactful, for pity's sake, srsly, pity, just be gentle not hurt people's feelings, use tact for pity's sake, pity How is asking him to tell his wife the truth hurting his feelings? I guess if he runs and gets her a gym membership, his problems will be solved. I only hope he doesn't bring STD's home as well. She has a right to know, and I hope she finds out.
stillafool Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 (edited) It is not an option because i cant hurt her. I You are already hurting her by taking the love you are suppose to have and give to her and spreading it across the board to other women. Tell the truth, you don't want to tell her because you don't want to lose her and what you two have built together. Edited February 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Editorial commentary redacted. 3
Recommended Posts