Feeling defeated

[dsd85]

I'm here using my friends account- I'm not sure about this site, and I would appreciate any advice that could maybe help me make sense of this situation that I'm in.

 

I started dating a man in the beginning of November, everything with us clicked. He had been asking me out for a while but I always overlooked him, when I finally decided to give us a try, it was as if I had known him all my life. When I look at him, I see myself…I can’t say I have ever felt that for someone (I know, some of you will say, three months is too short to feel that way, and I was one of those people too, but I honestly feel this way)

 

The first couple of weeks were great, until he quit his job and started going through a lot of changes. It was very hard to deal with, but I chose to stick it out and be patient and trust that things would work out and he was just going through a difficult time. In return, romantic dates turned into me visiting him outside his place of work and going for drives to spend time together….we didn’t go on real dates bc I could feel he wasn’t in a happy place. I was fine with that, I just wanted to be around him, and I could tell he was being very sincere. Three weeks into dating, and a week after he quit his job he told me he was leaving to visit his family and re group…his whole routine was off balance and he didn’t feel right staying in the city jobless…he would return before his new job offer started. He left for a month and a half, during this time we spoke on the phone and chatted online…I never had any hesitations to keep it going because I had a good feeling this was right. He returned and wanted to see me right away…we spent the last three weeks getting closer and closer, it was wonderful.

 

The week he returned, he mentioned something to me that I sweeped under the rug, and he might have also. He told me he might return to his home country (where he was for the last month and a half) in a year or two because he saw business opportunities there. Since he said it was a possibility and it was in a year or two, I didn’t want to think about it. Fast forward to two weeks later and the idea was brought up again, this time with more conviction, he seemed more sure on his plans to leave with his friend to start a business, I panicked and started saying all these things that might have made him think more about the situation. I said “what’s the point if you’re really leaving,” “Maybe this isn’t what you need right now.” I feel that I put these thoughts in his head and introduced hostility. He told me he needed time to think, that I said some things that struck a chord. I gave him time to think, and three days later he said this to me:

 

“I do want to continue this with you because I really like you. I haven’t liked someone this much in a very long time. I’m going to put it in your hands if you wish to continue, but I have to be honest and tell you that I’m going to stop myself from getting closer to you. I spoke with so many of my friends and they all agree that I should continue seeing you. I haven’t seen anything that tells me this wouldn’t work out, and knowing this I have to decide wether it’s fair for both of us to continue knowing we will both fall very hard for each other, even more than what we feel now. I like everything about you, I like spending time with you, we have good conversations, you don’t nag me, you’ve been very understanding, we like the same things, I enjoy the time we spend together, that’s why I know that you could be one of the reasons I don’t end up going and I can’t risk that. It’s a for sure thing that I will be leaving, probably in less than year and it’s not fair to you or me. I will continue, but just know that I will stop myself from falling more for you and I will be distant, if I find myself falling in love with you I have to break it off…..”

 

 

Something along those lines. He was putting it in my court, but warning me that he has taken himself out of this situation emotionally.

 

I don’t know what to do, I want to fight, but I know I shouldn’t. I want to believe him, believe that he does see this being a potential great thing, but him leaving stops him. Since then I have texted him once, where I automatically felt his distance. He texted me yesterday, and again, it was cold….

 

I really like this man, I really care for him, but most importantly, I feel something for him that in my 28 years I have never felt. I need a guardian angel to help me make sense of this, help me and tell me what to do.

 

Part of me thinks this plan to leave the country will not happen. He went from “maybe in a year or two,” to “It’s a fore sure thing, most likely less than a year” in the span of three weeks. His plans don’t seem to be set in stone yet. I know he’s going through a lot and is not happy with his situation at home, I just wish he stays, and has a change of heart. I would do the long distance thing with him if and when he leaves, but he says that it would just make it harder on him, and make him even more home sick….I feel defeated.

Edited February 19, 2014 by dsd85

[dsd85]

Anybody?

[lvroflife]

He told you he won't put his all in. Do you want to deal with the rollercoaster you are going to go on? Secondly, if he goes then what? You put all this effort in and now he is gone? Not once did he mention he may ask you to come.

 

We can't make the decision for you, but you pointed out numerous red flags in your story.

[David87]

The thing is your ex wants out of the relationship, who knows why. There's nothing more you can do but respect his decision. I know it's hard but by trying to stop him from living you'll only push him further away. Read the tread in my signature it will help you.