SarahJames Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 written in my most vulnerable state: God, what does one write when in this situation? I'm so disappointed with myself. I feel bad for myself. I ****ing fell for him, but I hate him, but I swear I love him What is there to love? He's an adulterous bastard He lied to her. Lied to me. He gets off on meeting up with various women. I'm jealous. Jealous of him. Jealous of her. Jealous that she gets to have him. But would I really want to be in her shoes? Hell no. I'd be even more heart broken. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss feeling loved by someone. Then I look at myself in the mirror as I cry and I see the same face I'd see in the mirror after every time he'd leave. The door would close and I would start to ball my eyes out Contemplating why I continue to hurt myself time and time again after seeing him Do I value myself so little? Why am I accepting of what I do? Is it because of how I was hurt previously? Seeing him would give me the highest high but it was also emotionally and mentally devouring me. I feel so ****ing alone. Miserable. Sad. Cold. Broken. Hurt. Fragile. Empty. But still, so intense. I have so much to give, but I'm so damn broken. How will I ever trust? Will I always only feel for people that will hurt me? Will I always be attracted to someone with bad intentions? He gave me the fantasy of what I truly want. Someone I have chemistry with, love, passionate sex, an inexplainable connection. But then I look at his real life His real life is the reality. Then I sit here dissecting what little I was willing to settle for. 6
PreciousOne Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I like this, very well put I've asked the same question time and time again, im gonna use this as my screensaver!!! Thanks for this.
ms_enigmatic Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Wow, this is exactly how I feel. I know my feelings were real, but I also know if we did ever end up together, I would never be able to trust him or believe what he was telling me because of all the lies, and half truths I know he told her. Thank you for sharing.
gettingstronger Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 Ouch- that was painful to read- hope you are doing well and taking care of you-I hope that the next poem you write is about how much a man that belongs to only you makes you feel-
skywriter Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I have so much to give, but I'm so damn broken. How will I ever trust? Will I always only feel for people that will hurt me? Will I always be attracted to someone with bad intentions? He gave me the fantasy of what I truly want. Someone I have chemistry with, love, passionate sex, an inexplainable connection. But then I look at his real life His real life is the reality. Then I sit here dissecting what little I was willing to settle for. SarahJames, I had these same questions , fears and beliefs before I initiated the end of the A. I can tell you from my experience that you can't recieve the answers without ending it. All the feelings you've described gradually dicipated with time. I allowed a healthy man to love me and still does love me. I don't believe any of this would have been able to happen without having ended the A.
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