snappytomcat Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 BS: Do you want to know? Would you want to know if it happened again? How would you react if OW told you about the affair?* Yes. Without a doubt, I would want to know and the sooner, the better. And I dont care who told me or why. If the OW had told me I would not have flipped out on her...I would have questions of course, but that is to be expected. As others have mentioned, it seems that many OW are in their own state of denial. They judge the BS freely (in some cases) yet fail to see how they are in the same boat. If they rock that boat, then MM will be pissed...we also see posts when there is an ow who is thinking of contacting the bs where they get responses from ow warning "dont tell her he will never talk to you again!" or "he will lose all respect for you!" or "you will be betraying him!" or "His BS wont believe you anyway!" or....you get the point. Also, there is a common shared belief among some of the OW that telling the BS will help the affair finally end because the MM will be so mad at the "betrayal" that he will never want to talk to or trust them again...so there is a huge fear aspect for the ow. yes if it did happen again I would want to know,and I hope he wouldn't be such a coward and let it come to that,but I would prefer to know from him,not the OW,i think sometimes some OW,will lie because they are also hurt,and want the BS to hurt,i know not all OW are like this,i know for the most part from reading on here,that they don't want to purposely hurt the BS,and tell lies,i can only say the OW in our situation,is a garden variety nut job,when my husband begged me to stay and work on our marriage,crying begging for my forgivness,she emailed me some nasty stuff,and said that hubby said I begged him to stay,so one of them was lying,and I lean more that it was her lying,because ofhows shes acted since then,like a lunatic
Author krazikat Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 yes if it did happen again I would want to know,and I hope he wouldn't be such a coward and let it come to that,but I would prefer to know from him,not the OW,i think sometimes some OW,will lie because they are also hurt,and want the BS to hurt,i know not all OW are like this,i know for the most part from reading on here,that they don't want to purposely hurt the BS,and tell lies,i can only say the OW in our situation,is a garden variety nut job,when my husband begged me to stay and work on our marriage,crying begging for my forgivness,she emailed me some nasty stuff,and said that hubby said I begged him to stay,so one of them was lying,and I lean more that it was her lying,because ofhows shes acted since then,like a lunatic The ow in my sitch totally lied, too. First denied denied denied and then made up a bunch of crazy stuff. She didnt realize that I had accessed his text messages and knew all the sordid facts I needed which all confirmed my h was being honest finally, and she was angry and hurt and lashing out. It was a mess of course. If I didnt have those texts I may have believed her and there would have been no chance at r. 1
snappytomcat Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 The ow in my sitch totally lied, too. First denied denied denied and then made up a bunch of crazy stuff. She didnt realize that I had accessed his text messages and knew all the sordid facts I needed which all confirmed my h was being honest finally, and she was angry and hurt and lashing out. It was a mess of course. If I didnt have those texts I may have believed her and there would have been no chance at r. yikes!!!im so happy you had all the texts,kinda of sounds like we are talking about the same ow,but the one in my situation is a lot older,which I could kinda of see a young girl falling for mm bull crap,but someone older and wise to the world,i don't know I don't get it,the only revenge I have is that we are happy now,and moving on together
experiencethedevine Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 yikes!!!im so happy you had all the texts,kinda of sounds like we are talking about the same ow,but the one in my situation is a lot older,which I could kinda of see a young girl falling for mm bull crap,but someone older and wise to the world,i don't know I don't get it,the only revenge I have is that we are happy now,and moving on together The other woman my husband got involved with was the classic bunny boiler. Dangerous and unhinged, she ended up taking a 'rest' in a safe environment after behaving in the most awful way to not only me (of course I was responsible for the fact that my husband did not leave to live the white picket fence life with her), but to our children. Oh yes. Phoning them and spilling filth to them, threatening them, all manner of psychotic demonstrations. She too was older, in her early fifties then, barren and divorced. A truly ugly and pathetic creature. I still marvel occasionally at his involvement with someone so hideous, but then the whole sordid business is wrapped in deceit. 2
Quiet Storm Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Well, what does this say about you if your partner was choosing to have sex with/spend time with her? Why would his actions reflect badly on her? Cheaters are very similar to addicts. They hurt those they love on their quest for "feelings". Their unloving actions are a manifestation of their own issues. Marriages are like long novels. An addiction or an affair can just be one chapter in a book of many ups, downs, joys, tribulations, etc. Many spouses choose to support their spouses if they get help and figure out what led to their choices, and how to prevent it from happening again. Why would that reflect badly on the betrayed spouse? 2
peaksandvalleys Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Well, what does this say about you if your partner was choosing to have sex with/spend time with her? I don't think it says anything about her. Shouldn't HIS actions be about him? 3
cocorico Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 hey, like I have always stated....I was only ever ONE phone call away if she wanted the TRUTH of our relationship....we were very sexual during the affair...planned a future, hosted holidays for extended family and I sacrificed and worked three jobs to support his goals for OUR future. I can ONLY conclude she WANTED to believe his lies and did NOT want the TRUTH to burst her affair bubble. I have never understood why BW think they hold some kind of "truth" that the OW must be seeking. While I'm sure the BW's understanding of the M is very different to that of the MM (or, perhaps, that presented by the MM), why would it be any closer to "truth"? Even if, for example, the MM claimed they never (or rarely) had sex, when "in fact" he was providing his weekly conjugal duty, the fact that he chooses to minimise that is a "truth" in itself - that it matters so little to him, at least in the moment of relating it, that it may as well not have happened. Given that the BW would see herself as on opposite sides to the OW, what motivation would the BW have to provide "truth" oh her than to stake a claim or twist a knife - just as OW are accused of doing when they disclose all the myriad marital betrayals to the BW to illustrate just how invested the MM was in the A.
OpenBook Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I have never understood why BW think they hold some kind of "truth" that the OW must be seeking. While I'm sure the BW's understanding of the M is very different to that of the MM (or, perhaps, that presented by the MM), why would it be any closer to "truth"? If there's anything I've learned here on LS, it's that (what I've bolded above). One spouse is blissfully happy in the M, while the other one is miserable - and ne'er the twain shall meet. Mystifying how that can happen when you've lived with someone for so long and supposedly know them through and through. I guess it's true... you never really know another person.
Raena Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 If there's anything I've learned here on LS, it's that (what I've bolded above). One spouse is blissfully happy in the M, while the other one is miserable - and ne'er the twain shall meet. Mystifying how that can happen when you've lived with someone for so long and supposedly know them through and through. I guess it's true... you never really know another person. I can't speak for everyone, but I can't say that my relationship with my ex was blissfully happy. The thing was, from my perspective, long term relationships do go through some lulls where everything is just not as lovey dovey as it was when you first met. What I'm trying to say is... not every marriage where an affair is happening does the BS think that the marriage is good and are blissfully unaware that their spouse is unhappy. Most just don't want to believe that their spouse could really be going to such great lengths to hide secrets like this. They want to believe that their spouse is there for the good and the bad and aren't going anywhere. In my situation, I wasn't thinking that we were blissfully happy at all. I had my doubts as to what was going on but I just kept thinking that whatever it was, we'd get through it. I assumed he was distant because our work schedules were so different. I had no idea he was as miserable as he was because he didn't tell me, but I also wasn't sitting there thinking that our relationship was perfect either. No relationship is, is it? We get so caught up in the day to day routine and begin to take each other for granted... don't see the signs of the demise of the relationship or don't want to see it... don't want to believe that this person that you love so dearly could be doing something so horrible to destroy your relationship. And then this brings me back to the point of this thread... to find out, after the fact, that your spouse wasn't just unhappy, but so frigging miserable that they felt the need to find someone else and carry on a relationship with that person while at the same time carrying on a relationship with you is unbelievably painful. The truth is painful in this situation. Do all parties involved need to know the truth? Yes, I believe they do. But the fact remains... the BS often has no idea of the lies being told to them, they can only work with what they see/know/are told and usually the MM is very good at hiding the truth of what is going on. 2
OpenBook Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Sorry, I was implying (and should have said) "for example" on the bliss/misery thing. Was just agreeing with cocorico's point about each spouse having an entirely different view of the same M. Scratching my head over that concept, but apparently it happens a lot. 1
rumbleseat Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Many ow and om on here have expressed a desire to know the truth. They want to know how much of the a was "real" and how much was simply lies. This, of course, is predicated on the notion said person is capable of distinguishing the fact that the "truth" of the mm or mw they feel is valid may not be the truth at all. There may well be one set of truth which is told to the bs,and quite another which is told to the ow/om. In the case of the bs, their reality likely comes from what they are told by the ws, and also their experiences with them. How many tines has a bs told their story on here with one of the elements being that when they asked their ws if they were cheating, they wre demeaned, lied tonadjustbto plain made to feel guilty forsaking, let alone having that suspicion in the first place. Then some ow ask how the couldnot see the truth, when they themselves say the mm could never lie to them,never deceive them and is always 100% honest. They feel they have " the truth". Where did this truth come from? Was it really based on facts or is it simply the wishful thinking of an om/ow who desires the reality of their life to be different? I'm not being critical,and we all do it. Everyone has something in their life they wish was different,but to keep from wounding our psyche, we lie to ourselves, The lies we tell ourselves are the worst lies of all. 1
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