madgirl1991 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I met the exact kind of guy I've been searching for after 2 years, online. We chatted for 2 weeks, everyday non-stop. Finally met up, he actually spent $350 on a new outfit for himself, to impress me on this date, and showed my pictures to his family! We had two weeks of perfection following, seeing each other 4 times a week. We enterred a relationship during this time. One night we were intimate. He asked about my ex in bed/how big he was, and i told him stories of the glorious sex we'd had. Bad mistake. My boyfriend was hurt and we weren't able to..get him hard. After that, his heart closed a bit but we stayed together. I went on holiday for 2 weeks, he was a bit distant but stayed in contact like clockwork everyday. I was upset he didnt want to skype me, and said hurtful things one day: that he doesn't try, that he only chases women who are mean to him like his mother (who was abusive). He was extremely hurt and said he wanted to think things over. He said he really likes me, i just dont realise it because we express ourselves differently. I called him for an hour, he seemed better after that and i apologised. When I returned, we hung out - he was really excited to see me.We were great, except every night we would eventually fight about sex (he won't do oral) and the fact he doesn't plan dates for us. I accused him of being gay and not liking me very much. On friday, valentines day night (five days after i returned), it was a bit awkward. He told me he wants to think things through. That he wants a peaceful life and we may not be compatible even though he wishes it could work. I rushed over saturday, upset...we talked, were both crying. He said its not going to work. I got very angry. I threw the things i had given him at the wall and demanded the rest back. He started crying and was very scared of me. Then he asked if i could cuddle him in bed? He looked depressed. I comforted him, kept telling him we can fix this. Finally he agreed, said he needs time to think abotu things. He said he would see me the next week on thursday after time apart. Kissed me goodbye. The next day, he texted me like everything was fine all day, i thought we would be fixing things. Then he apparently spoke to his stepmum, who advised him that i am 'abusive just like his real mum was.' From that moment, he told me he refuses to be in an abusive relationship and dumped me by text. I raced over, begged him to take me back, promised to change. No go, he said you can't fix a relationship once its broken and he promised himself never to be in an abusive relatinship after seeing his mum hurt people growing up. He said anything else could be worked on, but my abusive behaviour was a dealbreaker. I ssaid i would get help and fix this relationship. He sort of laughed in a sad way, saying we hadn't even been together very long (1.5 months in total). I humiliated myself whimpering and not letting him leave but he was kind to me, listened, hugged me goodbye and wished me well. The next day I texted him I was sad about the breakup, he said he was too. I asked if we could still get dinner as friends on Sunday, he agreed…then a few hours postponed it to the week after. I told him I feel like I have to stop talking to him but I don't want to. He said we need to give each other understandng, space and friendliness. I agreed, then deleted his number but kept it elsewhere in my home. I plan to text him a few days before the 'postponed dinner' and ask if he still wants to catchup but do no contact otherwise. Please tell me if there is a chance with this relationship. I know it sounds like we are terrible together, but the reality is, in person we are great. We mainly fight about things that happen when we are apart/sex which can be fixed. He is my dream guy, i know i messed up and am already starting to get help from my church advisors. I have started no-contact in the hope he will miss me.
MidwestUSA Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 The point of no contact is to move on, not to make someone miss you. There's been a tremendous amount of damage done in a very short time here. You don't talk (in bed!) of glorious sex with exes. You don't call someone gay! And do you want someone who won't perform oral? Chalk it up to experience and move on. 5
GorillaTheater Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 The point of no contact is to move on, not to make someone miss you. There's been a tremendous amount of damage done in a very short time here. You don't talk (in bed!) of glorious sex with exes. You don't call someone gay! And do you want someone who won't perform oral? Chalk it up to experience and move on. Midwest is right. Both of you sound like hot messes, and yes, what you did could be fairly called abusive. You both need to work on yourselves; the relationship is past fixing. 1
ThatMan Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You should not be in a relationship with him. The moment that you began throwing things at other people is the moment that a relationship will continue to spiral and escalate to further violence. Be it emotional violence including hurling more insults and calling him gay, or physical violence. I'm glad that he had an aunt to listen to who understood the situation, and I hope that he continues to look after himself and avoid this roller-coaster ride. This might not be what you are searching for, because I'm not even sure what you want from us, but I promise you that these relationships always escalate if they continue. Sometimes the only healthy solution is to walk away.
HappyLove Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You need help. Only a month and a half and all this fighting? Safe to say you two are just not a match. Get some counseling before you start dating again. 1
GoreSP Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You need help. Only a month and a half and all this fighting? Safe to say you two are just not a match. Get some counseling before you start dating again. This. I'm sorry OP but based on your post, you do sound abusive. 1
Author madgirl1991 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Btw we weren't hot messes all the time! We had great communication, honesty, shared interests. We even talked about moving in/engagement one day down the track..he introduced me to his family too! We wanted the same things in life and whenever had a fight we wrote dwn lists of our problems with one another and talked through them. we were absolutely perfect - until the first incident when i 'hurt him.' he kinda switched off after that...
peruano99 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Don't be a clinger OP... you two have only been together for one and a half months...
FortunateSon Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Considering you told him "glorious stories" of sex with your ex and accused him of being gay, I would say you are the abusive one. 7
Author madgirl1991 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Hey guys. Thanks for your fast responses. I know you are right, i was abusive. I am attending a course at church to help me through it. I also am talking to trusted older friends about my issues. The no contact is to make him miss me, sure. But i also am using the time to focus on myself/my issues. I am willign to give him time to recover as well. Can you please provide guidance on how i can get him to be my friend, so i can show him i have changed, and then get back together one day?
GoreSP Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Can you please provide guidance on how i can get him to be my friend, so i can show him i have changed, and then get back together one day? You can't 'get him' to be your friend or to get back together. All you can do is work on your issues. The rest falls under 'que sera, sera'
MidwestUSA Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 we were absolutely perfect - until the first incident when i 'hurt him.' he kinda switched off after that... That kind of switch off isn't one small circuit, it's the whole damn breaker box!
RedRobin Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Hey guys. Thanks for your fast responses. I know you are right, i was abusive. I am attending a course at church to help me through it. I also am talking to trusted older friends about my issues. The no contact is to make him miss me, sure. But i also am using the time to focus on myself/my issues. I am willign to give him time to recover as well. Can you please provide guidance on how i can get him to be my friend, so i can show him i have changed, and then get back together one day? Chalk it up to experience and move on. You don't want to pair abusiveness with manipulation. Let him go. If he has a history of being abused, the very last kind of person he needs is someone who is going to vent on him instead of manage their emotions in a constructive way. 4
peruano99 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Hey guys. Thanks for your fast responses. I know you are right, i was abusive. I am attending a course at church to help me through it. I also am talking to trusted older friends about my issues. The no contact is to make him miss me, sure. But i also am using the time to focus on myself/my issues. I am willign to give him time to recover as well. Can you please provide guidance on how i can get him to be my friend, so i can show him i have changed, and then get back together one day? For starters don't belittle him... you have no idea what some harsh words can make a person with emotional problems feel.
organizedchaos Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Hey guys. Thanks for your fast responses. I know you are right, i was abusive. I am attending a course at church to help me through it. I also am talking to trusted older friends about my issues. The no contact is to make him miss me, sure. But i also am using the time to focus on myself/my issues. I am willign to give him time to recover as well. Can you please provide guidance on how i can get him to be my friend, so i can show him i have changed, and then get back together one day? Once again, NC is not to get him back. How old are both of you?
Simon Phoenix Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Btw we weren't hot messes all the time! We had great communication, honesty, shared interests. We even talked about moving in/engagement one day down the track..he introduced me to his family too! We wanted the same things in life and whenever had a fight we wrote dwn lists of our problems with one another and talked through them. we were absolutely perfect - until the first incident when i 'hurt him.' he kinda switched off after that... Being hot messes at any time is a red flag. But yeah, you were a jerk to this guy. Why would you brag about the sex you had with your exes? I mean, that's just rookie-league stupidity right there. And calling a guy gay? You have a lot of laps to run. This whole thing sounds like a disaster and you made every mistake in the book. Take this as a learning experience, figure out how to not act like a spaz and move forward. This relationship is dead, and it should be dead. 1
Author madgirl1991 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Posted February 19, 2014 To answer your questions. He's 25, i'm 23. He asked specifically, about my ex in bed and how large he was. That's why i told him. Its not my fault that this guy was smaller than my ex. He also told me about his sexlife with his ex-gf and how good it was. So I don't feel i did anythign wrong - i was honest and answered his question! I asked him to get dinenr with my sunday, the day after he dumped me (feb 16)). He agreed, then a few hours later asked to postpone to the sunday after (that's 2 weeks away!). He is a kind, gentleman, so i'm thinking maybe that was his way of blowing me off. Is it ok to text him about it? Otherwise, how logn do i wait to contact him, given we were only together for 1 month? Also, i took away the present i gave him for valentines day. Should i post it back to him? Even if we dont get back together, i want him to have it. He's a great guy, i want him to have something he likes
FortunateSon Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 To answer your questions. He's 25, i'm 23. He asked specifically, about my ex in bed and how large he was. That's why i told him. Its not my fault that this guy was smaller than my ex. He also told me about his sexlife with his ex-gf and how good it was. So I don't feel i did anythign wrong - i was honest and answered his question! I asked him to get dinenr with my sunday, the day after he dumped me (feb 16)). He agreed, then a few hours later asked to postpone to the sunday after (that's 2 weeks away!). He is a kind, gentleman, so i'm thinking maybe that was his way of blowing me off. Is it ok to text him about it? Otherwise, how logn do i wait to contact him, given we were only together for 1 month? Also, i took away the present i gave him for valentines day. Should i post it back to him? Even if we dont get back together, i want him to have it. He's a great guy, i want him to have something he likes You sound both immature and insecure. Somethings are better left unsaid, even if he "asked". You being "honest" about it doesn't justify it or make it okay. It also doesn't help by calling him gay. Learn from these mistakes so they don't happen in future relationships.
organizedchaos Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You packed more drama in one month than I had in 3 years with my ex. Move on. 3
Author madgirl1991 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Can you guys tell me how to reconcile? I thought that was the point of the forum. I understand i screwed up. I understand I need to make changes, for both of our good. Help me get him back! I need to know the correct approach so i dont hurt him, or annoy him.
ThatMan Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 You should not reconcile with him. He needs to stay away from you. All you can do is use these experiences to become a better person. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Can you guys tell me how to reconcile? I thought that was the point of the forum. I understand i screwed up. I understand I need to make changes, for both of our good. Help me get him back! I need to know the correct approach so i dont hurt him, or annoy him. No, the point of the forum is not to help you get back into a dysfunctional relationship. It's to help you learn and grow from it so you don't make these mistakes in your next one. There's nothing you can do, it's completely up to him. You just need to work on yourself and learn from this. Your behavior was awful and unacceptable. You need to figure out how to stop acting like that before thinking about dating anyone. 2
organizedchaos Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Can you guys tell me how to reconcile? I thought that was the point of the forum. I understand i screwed up. I understand I need to make changes, for both of our good. Help me get him back! I need to know the correct approach so i dont hurt him, or annoy him. Would you help a recovering alcoholic get another drink? 1
Recommended Posts