whirl3daway Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 well, i certainly can pick them. if you read my other thread, you'll see that i was engaged to a man who basically wasn't attracted to me and ended up being into child porn. we broke up about a year ago. about 4-5 months after that, i met my current/ex boyfriend. we hit it off wonderfully and have been dating about 7 months. we had a great sex life, were obsessed with each other, fell very much in love. some things happened, as they do. i am a child abuse survivor and have BPD, so i have a tendency to drink too much and get angry. i have been getting help for that and things are much better. i am better overall, emotions more stable, all that. drinking much, much less. i am a much different person now than when we met. i quit smoking, don't drink much, hang out with my friends less. he likes to spend time at home and likes things his way, so our life tends to be what he wants. he has some career/life issues - he's quite intelligent and educated, but totally lost as to what he wants to do. he works PT and plays video games, as well as hanging out with me and cooking/cleaning sometimes etc. in october, we had a bad fight. it stemmed from him wanting to help out his ex-gf. i asked him not to and he argued with me about it for a long time. it made me feel bad. they have a history of getting back together etc so i was not comfortable with it and he argued with me for hours about this. it ended up with him telling me that he wants to break up because he doesn't find me attractive. that he thinks my breasts are too small, that he doesn't like my stomach. i'm 5'6 and 170lbs, wearing a size 8. i am not a tiny girl, but i am not huge either. i have been this size, and am actually thinner now, the whole time. i am fairly good looking, and before this, i was starting to feel better about myself after my previous mess of a relationship. we managed to bounce back from this and he apologized etc, but it really did a number on me. i sank into a depression and he grew resentful of me about it. things did get better and we managed to work it out. but then he flipped out about a month or two ago about how us having sex twice a week wasn't enough. i love having sex. i prefer having it every day, or at least messing around. he was experiencing a low sex drive issue, so i told him i would initiate less to keep the pressure off of him. he agreed. it didn't work. it ended up with him feeling sexually frustrated and he didn't communicate about it and told me that he doesn't find my body arousing and that he doesn't want to f#ck me and that he resents me for all this stuff. we managed to bounce back from that, but yesterday, it happened again. he doesn't find me desirable. he has trouble getting hard and staying hard with me (in reality happens only every once in awhile, not every time or anything). that i'm great in bed but that he doesn't want me. that he thought i was perfect for him at the beginning but he was never physically attracted to me. now, i'm far from perfect. i have a lot of issues in my life but i have a lot of good things going for me too. i am very loving and thoughtful, intelligent, hard-working (work a FT job and a PT job and am in school), open-minded, very sexual, etc. i am a pretty good catch, i think, and most people tell me that as well. i get hit on fairly frequently, so i don't think i am a troll or anything. i don't have a pornstar body, but i'm not obese. i know when i am wrong and will do my best to fix a situation. i try my best to grow from situations. my bf is not like this. he runs away from problems. he does not communicate, except when he's "done" in a relationship. he expects perfection from the people he dates, and has commitment issues. he has had issues with the body or the personality of every single girl he's ever dated, and instead of working on it/communicating, will just end the relationship and run. when he is depressed, he shuts down and retreats behind a robot-facade where he turns off all emotions and does nothing but play video games and eat crappy food. this is his strategy. he has admitted that he is depressed but refuses to do anything about it. he is insecure about his job/money situation and often lashes out at me about this. he is very particular about things... he gets upset about me using the wrong tablespoon measure, or buying the wrong "cut-type" of the bacon we like. he says hurtful things under the guise of being "truthful" and "honest". everything is all about him. if he is unhappy in any way, the rest of the world can be damned. he is a bit of a "princess" in this sense. we recently went away to pittsburgh this weekend and he pouted the entire time because it was cold and snowy. well, yeah! but we're still together, away on mini-vacation, in a hotel etc. but he was determined to be miserable and so he was. while we were away, i bought drinks for us at a bar. some guy yelled over to me, said that I could do better than my boyfriend, and this really upset my bf. i didn't encourage it in any way, but it was a bit of a boost to my self-esteem, which has been crushed by him. later on, he asked me how i felt about the situation and i said 'i think what he said was disrespectful, but it was nice hearing that someone finds me attractive.' he always tells me to be honest, so i was honest, but he freaked out and said that he wanted me to tell him that he is the best i could do and that he is my number one etc. i did tell him that i love him very much but i didn't want to inadvertently insult myself or him by saying i couldn't do better and that i don't think that way, anyway. leagues etc are all nonsense to me. but i think this is what has caused the latest issue. ahhhhhh this is so long. basically, i am exhausted. i feel like no matter what i do or say is wrong, and that it doesn't matter because he doesn't find me attractive anyway. i am grieving. i thought he was the one, and that we could grow old together. i just wrote him a card about how i wanted to grow old with him and that he completes me. he bought me roses on valentine's and made me dinner and bought me earrings. said he's never bought anyone else jewelery. this morning, he said he didn't love me and that he doesn't find me attractive and that he doesn't see how we can fix this. i don't know. i don't know what to think or what to say. i have a lot of trouble with abandonment so i don't want to end the relationship, but i can see that both of us are making the other person unhappy. i never wanted that, and just wanted him to be happy. he said he needed to think about if he wanted to be with me still. i don't think it will happen. a part of me thinks that it's probably impossible to make him happy when he is so miserable in himself. he has broken my heart throughout this whole thing. i am pretty sad. and i am dreading being alone. and i am dreading seeing him pack up all his stuff from my apartment. and i am dreading moving on. i just feel lonely and miserable and lost. i don't know why i posted this. thanks for reading, anyway.
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 You are fine. He is a jerk. The only thing "wrong" with you is that you are still in this relationship. Go find a guy who thinks you are the sexiest woman in the world. 2
newmoon Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 if he said he doesn't love you... that pretty much says it all. time to pack up and move on from him. you have your answer. take more time for yourself this time before getting back into a relationship; it sounds like you might have some personal stuff to work out alone before you're relationship-ready. a better version of you will attract better guys - you get what you put out there.
Gemini x Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 I agree, there's nothing wrong with you. This man has issues and no matter what you do or say it's not going to help. He's so unhappy with himself and his life nothing will make him happy. He'll find fault in everything and everyone. Go NC and let this one go. Until he fixes himself, it's hopeless. 1
changedlife Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 First and foremost. Realize first that you are beautiful. Don't let his remarks get you down on your own personal self-worth. It sounds like you are having to deal with a lot of different issues that are causing some a lot of stress in your relationship. I'll recommend a book for both of you. It is something I am still working with myself but it works on communicating with others about our needs, and it helps send a clearer message. I started using it when I realized that I wasn't really able to communicate with my ex about some things that were bothering me. I just didn't know how to say it in a way that I felt she understood and would help me with what I was going through. Sometimes people have trouble really attaching to each other and once the intial honeymoon phase is over they can withdrawal... and if they can't communicate with each other then it will be hard to overcome major issues. The book is called "non violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi: 9781892005038: Amazon.com: Books He gives examples on how to communicate our deeper needs without inflicting guilt or shame on the other person. It teaches us how to express our needs without making the other person feel bad or feel guilty for not meeting them. It allows us to help our partners, and then get a deeper connection with them. The book really helped me. I think it might help in your situation. If not... keep posting on here. We will listen and help you through it.
smuggy95 Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 This is how it starts. The guy is loving. Then he insults you, and starts getting power in the relationship. He is pushing your buttons, seeing how much crap you'll put up from him. This is turning more and more into an emotionally abusive relationship. he has not had good relationships in the past either. This is his MO. It will only get worse. He's making you hurt. That's ****ty.
Gemini x Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 This is how it starts. The guy is loving. Then he insults you, and starts getting power in the relationship. He is pushing your buttons, seeing how much crap you'll put up from him. This is turning more and more into an emotionally abusive relationship. he has not had good relationships in the past either. This is his MO. It will only get worse. He's making you hurt. That's ****ty. Why do they do that?
changedlife Posted February 19, 2014 Posted February 19, 2014 Why do they do that? Very very deep question and the answers lies on them as an individual. Looking back I an see where I did that myself in some of my relationships... if not all of my previous relationships. I started out very loving and then I got more an dmore possessive of my GF and more jealous and to a degree controlling. When I did things like this my ex would do them too..because it as only fair if my behavior matched hers. The reason why I did this I figured out by reading. "I don't want to talk about it" by Terrence Reel.. After reading this book I could see where a lot of my actions and emotionally abusive behavior and my emotional disconnect was due to some events in my childhood that happened to me. It may sound Crazy to you..but normally there is always a deeper reason than the surface reason. Reading the book and seeing examples of different things the author uses makes a lot of pratical sense. That book is written mainly about how men deal with certain things... or cope for their feelings. So it may not help you in your journey, but if he ever wanted to become a healthier individual t would be a good book for him to read.
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