razzmazz Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I am a 34 year old man, married for the last 8 years. The first 4-5 years of our marriage i never cheated. We lost 2 babies - first was an intentional adoption and the second was born premature and died in 3 days after birth. Post these events our sex life plunged and we lost the sexual connection. I met someone at work and fell for her - she had a steady boy friend too (now husband). Things were complicated oscillating from a sexual realtionship to a close emotional relationship. It broke off completely in about year and a half - her decision to focus on her boy friend. After that i have been in 3 further relationships - 2 were single women and i ended it with them and am now currenlty involved again with a girl who is in a committed relationship with another man.Again i dont know what i want from this - been in this for 3 months now. I fall in love too easily - that is the real issue. And the love is addictive and obsesesive. I long for the messages, the ego highs, the feeling of care and warmth and ofcourse the sex. During the course of these affairs things with my wife are not bad - we laugh and share and care a lot for each other. The sex has gone though - but she does not complain. I want to stop this and get out of this vicious cycle. But dont know how everytime one affair gets over I seem to get into another one. Seem to be addicted to falling in love. Need help because these obsesive relationships with girls who are not mine and who are probably using me for the attention and sex is not healthy and frankly a waste of time and energy. I do realise this but not able to stop myself. All comments are welcome - am aware that there will be some uncharitable insults coming my way.
proseandpassion Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I am a 34 year old man, married for the last 8 years. The first 4-5 years of our marriage i never cheated. We lost 2 babies - first was an intentional adoption and the second was born premature and died in 3 days after birth. Post these events our sex life plunged and we lost the sexual connection. I met someone at work and fell for her - she had a steady boy friend too (now husband). Things were complicated oscillating from a sexual realtionship to a close emotional relationship. It broke off completely in about year and a half - her decision to focus on her boy friend. After that i have been in 3 further relationships - 2 were single women and i ended it with them and am now currenlty involved again with a girl who is in a committed relationship with another man.Again i dont know what i want from this - been in this for 3 months now. I fall in love too easily - that is the real issue. And the love is addictive and obsesesive. I long for the messages, the ego highs, the feeling of care and warmth and ofcourse the sex. During the course of these affairs things with my wife are not bad - we laugh and share and care a lot for each other. The sex has gone though - but she does not complain. I want to stop this and get out of this vicious cycle. But dont know how everytime one affair gets over I seem to get into another one. Seem to be addicted to falling in love. Need help because these obsesive relationships with girls who are not mine and who are probably using me for the attention and sex is not healthy and frankly a waste of time and energy. I do realise this but not able to stop myself. All comments are welcome - am aware that there will be some uncharitable insults coming my way. Please read "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody. It sounds as though you are a love addict (I am one, so I can recognize one easily). I recommend going to IC and first off, end all affairs and re-commit yourself to monogamy. You've created a fantasy of love that no wife can fulfill (only an AP, because A's are fuel for fantasy). I've always had a problem with A's, and if I were married (I am single), I'd no doubt be in your boat. 1
cozycottagelg Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I have no advice, but I am sincerely sorry about the loss of your baby, that is heartbreaking <3
Snipercatt Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Yep, quickest way to end being a serial cheater is to get a divorce.
proseandpassion Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I don't think OP is a "serial cheater" because he seems remorseful and genuinely saddened and confused by his compulsion to seek fantasy outside his marriage. HOWEVER, in order to truly heal and give your wife free will (which she deserves), you should own up to the affairs and give your wife a say in whether she wants to be in a relationship with you. But the real work needs to be done on yourself, because this won't change without a lot of self reflection and counseling. And you'll bounce around from relationship to relationship, always seeking this "other" -- and what you really need to find is the love for yourself. 2
cif Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 You should have this thread moved to the Infidelity section... more married people there to give advice.
MissBee Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Break off your affairs, come clean with your wife and seek counseling. You guys went through a lot of trauma and it seems instead of pulling together, it pulled you apart and your response was to seek solace in other women. 2
cif Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 The issue isn't just you... it's you and your wife. Sex isn't optional when you're married, if one partner is unable to provide there are underlying issues. Cheating is not the solution. Start with counselling... assuming you want to save your marriage?
janedoe67 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I feel I can post to you with some authority because I was a serial cheater as well. Fact 1: You are 100% responsible or your own behavior. Regardless of the state of your marriage, there WERE other choices besides cheating. It may have taken both of you to weaken the marriage, BUT the choicce to cheat rests completely on you. If you cannot accept the fact, none of the rest of what I say will matter. You will keep dong it because you will think - on some level - that it is not your fault. Fact 2: Someone who has multiple affairs IS a serial cheater. Feeling guilty is nice, but it doesn't change the fact of serial cheating. I felt terrible after each time, but I was still a serial cheater because I did it more than once. Fact 3: STOPPING the affairs is a step, but it is only ONE step. You must work on the outside AND inside for this to change. Do not buy the behaviorist "put on a new coat of paint" method of taking care of this. Something IN YOU needs to be righted. Fact 4: Honesty is the only real option to healing. One good way to catapult you into big time action is to GET HONEST. Your wife deserves the truth about her life, for safety if for no other reason. And something about seeing the painful evidence on her face of the hurt you have caused just might wake you up a BIT. I say a bit because that is only the beginning. Fact 5: IF you want to change, understand that there is no such thing as a "one time religious experience" and then it is over. You have done repeated damage to your marriage and yourself over YEARS. Expect healing to take years. BOUNDARIES. You cannot cross the line if you never get close to it. Starting now, make rules for yourself that keep you from getting anywhere NEAR that line with another woman....ever.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I fall in love too easily - that is the real issue. And the love is addictive and obsesesive. I long for the messages, the ego highs, the feeling of care and warmth and ofcourse the sex. Therapy. Learn how to make a commitment and stick to it, learn how to gain boundaries and stick to them, understand your own weaknesses and insecurities, fix them with the help of a therapist and most of all, you have to WANT to change. If you aren't willing to work hard, admit your own failures and mistakes, admit your flaws, then it's pointless and you'll continue being a serial cheater, a liar, and a betrayer. The choice is yours. Life is how you make it to be.
rumbleseat Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 It sounds like you both need counselling, both marital and Independent. I would also suggest a post partum loss support group. Losing a child is one of the worst things a person can go through, and it sounds as if that's playing a huge role here. Were you like this before you lost your baby. If not, you may not have completely processed and dealt with their death, and you may be almost running away and hiding from your feelings of grief and loss. As long as you are out messing around, you don't have to hear the silence of your child not being there. For your wife, she may not want sex because she is afraid of getting pregnant again, and after two losses, she may feel like she can't go through that again. If you love her, now is the time to be there for her, and for her to be there for you. You both need to find better ways to deal with this, and running away by divorcing your wife instead of being honest with her won't help you. The loss will still be there. You'll end up spending the rest of your life running. 1
Woggle Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Let your wife go so she can find a man who actually does love her and be single. You can have all the women you want when you are single but always be honest with them. It doesn't sound like you are built for marriage.
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