tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Since this is being discussed on another thread, and it is T/J that thread, thought I would start one that actually can discuss it. Why do most men, or people for that matter think that women go outside of the marriage? I think there is huge stigma attached to a woman that goes outside of the marriage, way more than what a man receives. Also, I think that most think that woman is always in it for the emotional aspect, and I don't always find that to be true. So what do you people think?
compulsivedancer Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I wanted both. I wanted a second relationship, with all the sex and the fun of a new relationship. It was exciting, he LIKED me, and he WANTED me. Call it a need for validation, or selfishness. It was both certainly. 1
cozycottagelg Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 One of my best friends was involved in an affair several years ago, and she explained it like this. She loved her husband and felt that she married the right man...however.. A co-worker started flirting with her, it felt good. Her husband wasn't home much. She started getting closer and closer to the other guy. He WANTED her. He didn't need her like her husband did. He didn't need her to do his laundry, his dishes, watch his children, he just wanted a bit of her time. She said it was very intoxicating to feel like she was valued for her, and not for her role inside her marriage. I get it. It isn't my style..but I get it. 2
katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I can only answer for myself, as I believe the motivation is different for people, not genders: I wanted to see if there was something else out there, something that would make me feel less lonely. A co-worker maybe sensed this in me? I don't know. But things revved up pretty fast. I was not attracted to him. I was attracted to someone wanting me, that seemed to fill up the hole inside me. The first time he told me he loved me he stumbled over the words and I thought to myself, "oh my god, is he gonna say he loves me because I don't love him." I said it back anyway, idiot that I am. It was the attention i wanted to continue. I also wanted to have sex to see if there was something I was missing with my husband and to have an experience with another man.. He did not pressure me to do this so that the emotional part of our affair would continue, as it is often said on here. I wasn't missing anything. It was horribly disappointing. I felt nothing. My husband was a better man in every single way! The night we made it a PA I broke up with him, if you will. My husband knows everything. 2
katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 ok so as I was writing my reply the other women before me also wrote their reason: being wanted
ladydesigner Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I had an affair after I discovered my WH's first affair. I believed I wanted to feel loved and needed by someone else after my WH's betrayal. That I was still worthy. I compromised myself because I could not cope with my WH's infidelity. I had no coping skills.
Furious Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Since this is being discussed on another thread, and it is T/J that thread, thought I would start one that actually can discuss it. Why do most men, or people for that matter think that women go outside of the marriage? I think there is huge stigma attached to a woman that goes outside of the marriage, way more than what a man receives. Also, I think that most think that woman is always in it for the emotional aspect, and I don't always find that to be true. So what do you people think? I don't see that the stigma is any worse for a woman to go outside her marriage than it is for a man to go outside his marriage. Male or female, self entitlement and the ability to lie has nothing to do with gender. I doubt a female in an affair would feel loving toward her affair partner if he asked her to mop the floor and do his laundry before having sex and I doubt a male affair partner would feel loving toward his affair partner if she asked him to take out the garbage and fix the sink before sex.:D:D Affairs are exempt from everyday life and responsibilities and that's what makes them intoxicating. If I were to have an affair I sure as hell wouldn't want reality to interfere with being worshiped and adored. 2
harrybrown Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 As a male, I have no clue, so it was interesting to read the reasons. And sickening. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 If a man goes outside of marriage he might be called a jerk. If a woman goes outside the marriage they see her as a tramp. I think society see it differently for both sexes. I think I do too. I won't lie here and say I'm completely unbiased on the subject. 1
katielee Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I think society see it differently for both sexes. I don't get this. It's disgusting any way you look at it. 4
littlemermaid Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I can only reply for me, and my answer is that my husband pays about as much attention to me as he would some wallpaper. We've been married 10 years, have 2 kids, he never initiates sex, and when I do, he will do it, but it's over in 20 seconds anyway. He has low testosterone and blames everything on that. I wanted to feel wanted, desired, like there is someone who can't keep his hands off me, who wanted me so much he couldn't stop thinking about me. and I found that, in someone that I wanted in the same way. 1
dichotomy Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I can't say its pleasing either way - but I appreciate the honesty of some of the women here expressing sex as a reason (or part). Old simple stereotypes of "just for the emotion" are worthless.
Author tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I don't see that the stigma is any worse for a woman to go outside her marriage than it is for a man to go outside his marriage. With men, it is almost accepted, or it is looked at like what was wrong with the marriage? With women, she is a slut. And sickening. Why? Would you have the same reaction if men were responding?
Author tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 For the women who responded that they wanted to feel the feeling of "being wanted" was it because your H wasn't making you feel that way, or you wanted to feel it from someone new?
GorillaTheater Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 "Poor coping skills" seems to cover just about all the cases I'm aware of. 5
Furious Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 With men, it is almost accepted, or it is looked at like what was wrong with the marriage? With women, she is a slut. Why? Would you have the same reaction if men were responding? Being here at LS for awhile, I am amazed at how many men who've been cheated on wish to save their marriage. Just read the current threads and see for yourself.
tiredofitall2 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I don't get this. It's disgusting any way you look at it. I agree it is disgusting either way, but society is definitely biased and I am too. Just being honest here.... In some more traditional background cultures women are seen in more of a motherly fashion and men, well "boys will be boys" Again this is not something I condone. I'm just stating the obvious views of society. I'd say the shame and judgement women will experience far exceeds that of men.
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I have been in a few relationships over the years and have discussed this very topic with most of them. Mostly b/c they were the victims of cheating. 1. Women need affirmation and not just what they do as a wife 2. Women need to know that they are still attractive AND WANTED. Sometimes being loved is not enough. She wants to feel that her man WANTS her, thinks she's HOT, desirable 3. Women require attention. Emotional and physical. Duh. They need to know that her man is thinking about her, hasn't taken her for granted, become lazy, forgone the romantic gestures That's what I got from the conversations, other literature.
Author tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 "Poor coping skills" seems to cover just about all the cases I'm aware of. 100% in agreement with this. Being here at LS for awhile, I am amazed at how many men who've been cheated on wish to save their marriage. Just read the current threads and see for yourself. Not dis agreeing with that fact. Mostly talking about the stigma that goes with it. Heck even my own H called me a whore after Dday. Don't blame him, but it is what goes through everyone's mind. Why? 1
tiredofitall2 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 I can only reply for me, and my answer is that my husband pays about as much attention to me as he would some wallpaper. We've been married 10 years, have 2 kids, he never initiates sex, and when I do, he will do it, but it's over in 20 seconds anyway. He has low testosterone and blames everything on that. I wanted to feel wanted, desired, like there is someone who can't keep his hands off me, who wanted me so much he couldn't stop thinking about me. and I found that, in someone that I wanted in the same way. Did you divorce your H?
ladydesigner Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 For the women who responded that they wanted to feel the feeling of "being wanted" was it because your H wasn't making you feel that way, or you wanted to feel it from someone new? I just wanted my WH to want me. His A made me feel unwanted.
Author tired girl Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I just wanted my WH to want me. His A made me feel unwanted. OMG, this. This was where I was at when I had my own. I only ever really wanted my H. My rage was so intense. After 18 yrs of his own, I couldn't take it any more. Talk about poor coping skills. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 For my WW: External Validation: She was not one of the "cool" kids growing up. She was pretty enough to have boyfriends, but she had low self-esteem. During HS and college she had bulimia. She seeked counseling and got over it successfully. Fast-forward to her mid-twenties: she is now physically matured and very good looking. She's now "cool", and the guys are noticing her. Her AP was a good looking jock. She liked the attention. Fun: Sex is fun. The courting is fun. Going out on "dates" is fun. The attention from AP is fun. I was traveling, and she was having fun with a "just friends" guy. It's freeing because there is no responsibilities. No expectations. It's a fantasy. It's a secret. She also got to be the "bad girl" that she never was. She grew up as the quintessential responsible first-born. This was her chance to rebel. Escapism: She was able to escape the demands and pressures of being an adult. She escaped from the routine of a marriage. She was a few years into her "adult" life which included marriage, career, paying bills (you know? responsibilities). She missed the freedom of being single and free to be spontaneous (Oh god, how I loathe that word now). While I was away working, she was able to test driven her single life again; try dating a different type of guy. In short, she was emotionally immature. Those are the highlights from my wife's affair. 4
peruano99 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 Because they are afraid of breaking it off with the person. It doesn't matter who cheats, men or woman, it's not right. I always have bad luck in that women I like are in relationships...
janedoe67 Posted February 18, 2014 Posted February 18, 2014 There is no right answer to this question. Even attempting to answer t would be like stepping into a mine field with one leg already gone. 2
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